Could Use Good Thought for DS

[readyin07]

I thought after meeting with the teacher Friday about his anxiety that things would be on the upswing, but this week so far has been a total disaster :(I left a message his guidance counselor an hour ago hoping she could help.

Over the weekend he told my mom the teacher "yelled" at him that if he didn't stop crying he'd have to go to the principal's office, which he hadn't told me. As I've mentioned before, he is in an integrated class this year and the teacher told me their class has been very chaotic trying to set up classroom expectations for the year. She seems like a great teacher and I don't think she "yelled," but it is very possible she was stern with him.  

I get it, a child you can't get to stop crying is a distraction in the classroom and that is the last thing she needs, but he has always been an exemplary kid in school and her saying that made him feel like he was in trouble and that only served to heighten his anxiety I'm sure. I didn't know any of this Friday when we met, but I think some of the things I said to her hopefully made her realize to try a different tack.

But the damage was done. DS had to come in late yesterday due to a medical appointment (not ideal, but that was the only day we could be squeezed in). At his old school if you came in late the parent could walk their child to class, but this school doesn't allow that. He totally lost it, crying, saying he was scared he was going to get yelled at, that his teacher yelled at him every day, that she didn't like him. All in the school office. It was horrible to witness. I came home and threw up. It is killing me to see my beautiful, confident, smart boy like this.

Today he had to go #2 before he left for school and similar crying and upset on the toilet. I was in there trying to calm him down (ok, make sure he wasn't faking having to go). DH came in and told him he was going to be late and  I snapped at him and basically told him to shut up b/c he was going to make his anxiety even worse and he was f-ing going #2 and why don't you try to rush going #2 when you really have to go. I really try to present a united front with DH in front of the kids and not speak harshly, but DH is not getting it and just think DS is trying to play us.

[Deleted]

Sending good thoughts to him and to you, this adjustment period is so hard.

((hugs))

[rosiebear]

Oof, that does sound rough. I hope he makes the adjustment soon.

I have to agree with Sue, though - your anxiety sounds a bit high, too, and that may be exacerbating things. Esp. if you are throwing up and snapping at your H in front of your son. I'm sorry.

[savan]

I'm so sorry. I had some similar moments with DD last year. I vividly recall having to pin her down to buckle her into the car while she screamed and fought me because she did not want to go to school. I went home and cried myself.

I would absolutely email or call his teacher. She can tell you exactly what happened and you can let her know about this new fear of being yelled at.

[hopecounts]

Get him into his (or a) therapist. Ideally some CBT would be great at helping him work through his anxiety in a healthy way and reframe his thinking.

Try not to let him see your anxiety either, it will only ramp his up (BTDT I have to be super careful not to show my nerves around DD or her anxiety goes through the roof and problems increase).

[readyin07]

Sept 1, 2015 8:52:53 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Ask the teacher what happened, first.
I doubt very seriously that he was yelled at, or that he was told he'd have to go to the principal's office if he couldn't quit crying (unless it was by a classmate).
Is it possible he's playing you some? And, what does his therapist say.

You sound pretty anxious yourself, about his anxiety. Could he be feeding off this some?

I don't think he was yelled at all, which is why it was in quotes. I think she said to him "DS if you don't calm down, I'm going to call principal so you can calm down in his office." And I think in his head it was blown up in to this big thing because PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE to a first grader who has always been really good seems bad. I don't blame her at all.

I don't think he's playing me b/c I've been played before when he wants to get his way and it doesn't look like this. These are real genuine tears, stuttering when he tries to talk, hyperventilating. And there's no end game.  He knows he has to go to school, there's no compromise and he's getting nothing out of it.

And I was fine last week, but with these two recent episodes I am fucking off the charts anxious about his anxiety . This morning's episode with DH aside I think I do a good job keeping it under control with him b/c it's literally not an issue at home except for the 30 mins before school.

[oliviapope]

Sept 1, 2015 9:06:41 GMT -5 readyin07 said:

Sept 1, 2015 8:52:53 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Ask the teacher what happened, first.
I doubt very seriously that he was yelled at, or that he was told he'd have to go to the principal's office if he couldn't quit crying (unless it was by a classmate).
Is it possible he's playing you some? And, what does his therapist say.

You sound pretty anxious yourself, about his anxiety. Could he be feeding off this some?

I don't think he was yelled at all, which is why it was in quotes. I think she said to him "DS if you don't calm down, I'm going to call principal so you can calm down in his office." And I think in his head it was blown up in to this big thing because PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE to a first grader who has always been really good seems bad. I don't blame her at all.

I don't think he's playing me b/c I've been played before when he wants to get his way and it doesn't look like this. These are real genuine tears, stuttering when he tries to talk, hyperventilating. And there's no end game.  He knows he has to go to school, there's no compromise and he's getting nothing out of it.

And I was fine last week, but with these two recent episodes I am fucking off the charts anxious about his anxiety . This morning's episode with DH aside I think I do a good job keeping it under control with him b/c it's literally not an issue at home except for the 30 mins before school.

I would talk to his pediatrician and get some ideas of possible referrals for anxiety. Family therapy would also be good for all of you.

It also sounds like he is struggling with transitions. I would work with him to be prepared for these. Even if he has to go in late, I bet knowing that "I will walk you to the office, sign you in, and then they will walk you to class" will help calm him instead of not having any idea.
Also, look into some activities (in addition to therapy) that will help him build confidence. Possibly martial arts.

[readyin07]

Sept 1, 2015 8:55:24 GMT -5 puddleofgrace said:

I'm so, so sorry. Having an anxious kid is so hard and the start of the school year can be really tough on them.

I would call the school social worker and let her know what's going. She can meet with your son to talk to him and if need be, continue to work with him. I would also call the teacher today and talk to her about your sons perception of getting yelled at and how he's even more nervous about going to class. Maybe she can have a talk with him as well.

Has he been struggling with anxiety for a long time or is this brought on by the new school year?

Mid-year last year he had a substitute that spoke sharply to his class and that seemed to bring it on. He started having anxiety when he knew he'd have a sub. Then he started having some testing anxiety around the program our county uses for testing and to do work on. To be honest, his teacher and I thought he was trying to play us on that b/c he'd do fine on the tests. It was "minor" though, a few tears  and he'd be on his way and comforted by our reassurances. This is a new level of hysteria, but that makes sense b/c the environment is completely different, he doesn't have friends there, etc.

[cupcake0214]

I am sorry. I am not a parent but a school counselor and see how frustrating it can be. Do they have counselor in school? I know it the past anxious students were sent to me for a break. Some brought work some didn't. We would take a walk, do some breathing exercises and some even called their parent. He needs a safe place to go.