Family staying with you indefinitely: update in OP

[spunkarella]

**poof**

[AAM2012]

I wouldn't do it, especially if DH was uncomfortable with the idea and if the company will pay for a hotel.

I would feel obligated to have a constantly clean house and cook a good meal for him. No thanks!

Also if he offered to pay you then what would be the benefit of him staying with you?

It sounds like he intentionally put you in an awkward position which is a jerk move.

[IrishBelle]

He would have an extra $200/week and would be staying with you for free for an unspecified period of time? No way

Also, with his plan he would be communting 14 hours per week (5 hrs per day on the 2 days a week he is going home and 2 hrs per day on the 2 days a week he would be at your house). That alone would make the decision to stay at the hotel since they are paying full hotel costs.

[v]

Nope!

Note also: if you were amenable to this, it should be an extra $200/week for YOU.

[aurora]

I would only agree if H was fully on board and I didn't have reservations myself. So probably not.

If you do decide to do this but you don't trust his financial skills, can you accept his "rent" with the plan to keep it in savings and return it to him someday later, esp. when you decide to kick him out (to soften the blow)?

[magdala]

You probably have not screwed things up. It is unusual for a family member to ask to stay with you indefinitely and it is reasonable to ask to consult with your husband. It is reasonable for your husband to want to think it over.

If your husband is comfortable, you need to set up ground rules from day and put them in writing. When DH & I got married, my house became extraneous. It was a bad time to sell so I 'rented' to my cousin for a year. The 'rent' was care and maintenance at the house including cutting the grass, shoveling the snow etc. The house is in a remote section and I could not have easily rented it to someone else at a good price. My cousin, not yet 20, needed out of her current living situation with an newly ex boyfriend. She maintained the house in decent shape.

When that year was up and I put the house up for sale, she was all shocked and claimed she would go to renter's court to sue me. Since I had drafted a 'lease' spelling out who was to do what and we had both signed this lease, she did not have a case; but we had to go to court to find this out. Fool kid. Long story short, she moved out and my house sold at a fair price but I would not rent to family again. My cousin and I are no longer speaking.

This situation did not have the complications of past substance abuse and DH not on board. If DH was not on board, I would not have additional family living at our house. I don't have any direct experience with substance abuse.

In any case, good luck.

[Deleted]

I'd offer a two week trial period if your H is willing to do that. After that you can renegotiate for another set amount of time, like 3 or 4 months. I would not do this indefinitely. Would driving that far to go home actually be a cost savings?

[patbutcher]

No.

I said that even before I read the post but my answer is the same. No way.

[agnes]

We have family like this. While I'd always have the substance abuse in my head, if I felt that this person was actually putting in effort/trying to make a better life for themselves I would prolly agree to it and also not charge. But not indefinitely. There would have to be a clear time-frame and rules about respecting my home and space. And my H would have to be 100% on board if it were my family. Or if it were his family, vice versa.

ETA: it is also completely reasonable that you would speak to your H before making this decision.  Do not think otherwise.  You did not screw anything up. 

[Deleted]

NOPE OCTOPUS!

[spunkarella]

Sept 2, 2015 9:28:18 GMT -5 @ruralrabbit1 said:

Would driving that far to go home actually be a cost savings?

I think he would still come out ahead by around $125-150/week.

[Deleted]

(I mean, I might do this for one of my sibs - who is responsible, and we have enough space, and my H gets along with him....for a few months. But this situation? Unless you have a guest house in your back yard - smells like trouble.)

[Susie]

"For __ weeks while I research my options"? Sure.

"Indefinitely"? Hell no.

He's not a student, he's gainfully employed, and his employer is even springing for the hotel. He shouldn't be profiting off his imposition on you. It was unfair of him to ask you to do that. Your H isn't 100% on board, and that seals it.

[mbcdefg]

I wouldn't want to do this, even if the person had a history of being completely reliable. Even in the best of situations, things can get hairy when you bring other people into your home. Especially if the stay is indefinite. I've had friends and family members deal with a houseguest who quickly overstayed their welcome and wouldn't GTFO, and relationships suffered because of it. 

It's definitely not going to turn out well if your spouse isn't 110% on board with the plan. Trust me. 

This should be a moot point, considering that the job will pay for him to stay in a hotel. Don't put your marriage through the wringer just so he can clear a profit on this. 

[SJ]

We would probably agree to something like this, but we are kind of suckers for friends/family in need and it is "normal" in our families.

DH's parents often stay with us for weeks/months at a time, which my girlfriends are always horrified by. I mean it's not ideal, but life rarely is.

HOWEVER, I would not do it if my husband was not on the same page.

[ECB]

You know what else family does/ doesn't do?  Family doesn't impose on each other unnecessarily.  He HAS AN OPTION.  it's not like you're his only chance at a place to stay.  his employer will put him up.  But no - he'd rather pocket that $$ and put it on YOU to house him. 

I don't see why it falls on YOU to do "what family does". 

If this were a temporary thing, I might say yes to it.  but indefinitely???  Even if you lay out all the ground rules you can possibly think of and all the scenarios where changes may need to happen - the fact that he was surprised that you said you needed to talk to your DH tells me that things will not end well if you eventually say "hey, this isn't working any longer for us." and essentially kick him out.

[agnes]

I think my view is a little colored because I have been in similar situations and things worked out with no strain on relationships.

I have also seen similar situations where things did not work out, but I told the person who agreed to it was crazy for doing it to begin with.

If you are a good judge of character and BOTH parties are reasonable people, it can work out just fine.

Indefinite is not reasonable.

[genet313]

Sept 2, 2015 9:35:08 GMT -5 Susie said:

"For __ weeks while I research my options"? Sure.

"Indefinitely"? Hell no.

He's not a student, he's gainfully employed, and his employer is even springing for the hotel. He shouldn't be profiting off his imposition on you. It was unfair of him to ask you to do that. Your H isn't 100% on board, and that seals it.

Exactly.  This is what seals it as a "no" for me.   It's not as if he'll have to pay for this himself - his employer is footing the bill!  This shouldn't even be a concern.  Offer to have him over for dinner once a week, let him know he's free to hang out when he's in the area, but he should sleep at the hotel.  

ETA:  And, I should add, my MIL stays with me one night a week to take care of DD and it's really not that great.  I feel like I'm not "at home" in my own home, and it's only one night!  Now, this could be b/c it's my MIL and she's a bit BEC for me, but still.   Not worth it.

[spunkarella]

**poof**

[spunkarella]

duplicate

[sfy]

Now that you have decided no, then no it is, but I probably would have said yes, assuming that I could have brought H around. We had different family stay with us while I was growing up (due to my mother's mantra - "You have to let people stay with you." lol) and only once was it ever an issue, and it was minor. I've also let a friend and a relative live with us in the past few years. 2 nights a week seems like nothing to me, so I would do it to be helpful.

Anyway, how you say no is easy, "We've talked about it and we really just like our private space and time too much to do something like this indefinitely. I'm sorry we can't help, I hope you understand."

[agnes]

No is hard to say sometimes. I get it. I would say something like, "I have had more time to think about this and I don't feel comfortable with the arrangement. I love you and hope for the best. I'm sorry I can't help with this. Thank you for understanding."

I wouldn't even bring my H in to it, because it might look like he's the bad guy. Unless you want to use him as a scapegoat. You can do that too.

[tacom]

I don't know if I could agree to anything for an indefinite amount of time, but assuming I had a good relationship with this person and could be certain drugs wouldn't be brought to my home, I might consider a trial.

H and I opened our tiny 1-BR apartment up to my sister and she lived with us for 3 months this summer, sleeping on the pull out couch in our living area. it actually turned out great and strengthened our relationship. we invited her to stay w/ us in NY next summer. I also lived with my older cousin for a summer when I was an angsty teen and needed to get out of my hometown. I'm so grateful he took me in, because I needed a change and it really cemented our bond. he is one of my closest friends and officiated our wedding.

[glynn]

No, for a short period of time maybe if DH was OK with it.

[autumnfire]

Sept 2, 2015 10:11:06 GMT -5 agnes said:

No is hard to say sometimes. I get it. I would say something like, "I have had more time to think about this and I don't feel comfortable with the arrangement. I love you and hope for the best. I'm sorry I can't help with this. Thank you for understanding."

I wouldn't even bring my H in to it, because it might look like he's the bad guy. Unless you want to use him as a scapegoat. You can do that too.

this!

[cheezer]

He has an option for a hotel. Heck no. Plus whatever $200/week savings should be going to you.

[drloretta]

"I'm sorry, I don't think that setup will work. I can help you with finding a good note near your job."

[mpc]

think of all the hotel points he could accumulate! lol

good luck having the conversation with him.

[imojoebunny]

For $400 a month, is there no place in your city he can get a room in someone's home (50x2x4)? Surely, there is someone who would love to have a part time roommate for $400 a month? My parents have done this a number of times for relatives doing internships or staying in our city for 1-6 months. They have another house they are frequently at, so they only see the people for about a week a month, but it can still drive them a little batty.

[sparkythelawyer]

I think the substance abuse issue is too recent for me to feel comfortable. But if you and your husband are ok with it, than go for it.