Uncomfortable at work -- what do I do?

[lemons]

So a coworker is INTENSE. Yesterday was my first day back. She insisted on a hug and then told me all about how painful it was when her dad died and it was incredibly uncomfortable. She also knows EXACTLY what I'm going through because ____ (barf!!!!).

Today, another hug. With an offer for a happy hour. I declined and she insisted on knowing why. I said I'm tired. Then she started asking me why I'm not sleeping...if I was lonely...if I was still crying myself to sleep...if I liked living in the area or if I was moving....if I was planning to stay in my job..and all of these obnoxiously uncomfortable questions.

How do I make it stop?! I'm not ready to say this is inappropriate...I'm more ready to bolt to the bathroom to cry.

[poopedydoop]

"Please stop."

why???

"Because I asked you to."

[MrsAxilla]

Ugh. Sorry. I'd just be direct and say something like "I appreciate your concern, but I don't feel like talking about it right now. I just want to focus on my work." I would worry about coming across rudely. You get a pass.

[mrsukyankee]

Do you have anyone who is an ally at work who could tell her to back the hell off?

[Eagles]

Ew. I'm sorry she's being so fucking intense. Boundaries, people.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Sept 2, 2015 11:40:08 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

"You are so sweet to be concerned, but I actually feel better when I just focus on work. Thanks so much."

This is a great response IMO.

[pixy0stix]

I had a coworker like that. My boss intervened and went to her boss to leave me alone. Her boss was LIVID when it happened another time after she had been talked to.

But really, just tell her point blank to stop. You're not being rude.

[speckledfrog]

Can you just talk to her? "Hey, Mary. I understand you are trying to help with my grief. I appreciate your kindness. I need to deal with this in my own way and I will let you know if there is anything I need or if I want to talk about it at work. Right now I think what would help me the most is just a simple wave when I come in." Or whatever. She thinks she's being helpful and she's absolutely not. I think acknowledging her attempts and then asking her to stop would be the most direct way.

[underwaterrhymes]

I'm so sorry. I think jenny1980 has a great response. Big hugs to you.

[Eagles]

I like Jenny's response, and if she insists on pursuing it you can say "Please leave me alone, this is not open for discussion, thank you."

[lemons]

I don't know coworker very well...she started in May and I've been working remotely since June. I've said I really don't feel like talking about this and kinda turn away. I was saved by a phone call this morning.

[gault]

SHE REALLY WANTS TO BOND AND LET YOU KNOW SHE'S HERE FOR YOU AND YOU'RE THE SAME AND SWF

I'm sorry.

[Eagles]

Sept 2, 2015 12:00:55 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

Yeah, I'm not going to pretend to know what feels right to you right now, but I think telling her straight up to just back off sounds a-okay in this situation. Don't worry about how she'll take it. Not your problem. Take care of you.

Yeah, this woman wants to pull off your bandage and poke around an open wound for her own weird reasons.  Manners are not necessary.  Do whatever you need to. 

[sparkythelawyer]

If you are trying to be nice:

"Crazycakes, thanks for concern, but this is not something I feel comfortable discussing with coworkers right now. Should things change I will let you know."

If not?

HR.

[lemons]

She showed up at his hospital room one day during her lunch break. She wanted to meet him and ensure he was saved.

After she left, H said she's never coming back, right?

Who does this kind of stuff? Just leave me alone already! :-)

[sparkythelawyer]

Sept 2, 2015 12:06:06 GMT -5 lemons said:

She showed up at his hospital room one day during her lunch break. She wanted to meet him and ensure he was saved.

After she left, H said she's never coming back, right?

Who does this kind of stuff? Just leave me alone already! :-)

OH

HELL

NO.

HR.  Today.  This shit stops now. 

[Deleted]

Sept 2, 2015 12:06:06 GMT -5 lemons said:

She showed up at his hospital room one day during her lunch break. She wanted to meet him and ensure he was saved.

After she left, H said she's never coming back, right?

Who does this kind of stuff? Just leave me alone already! :-)

Whatintheactualfuck???

[ninjabridemom]

Saved? Like religiously?

Oh I'd go right to HR then. This is not the first intrusion. They will advocate for you and know how delicately to handle the situation.

[lemons]

Do I talk to my FMLA coordinator about it? I work at a huge company and am not really sure how to contact HR.

[Eagles]

Sept 2, 2015 12:14:37 GMT -5 lemons said:

Do I talk to my FMLA coordinator about it? I work at a huge company and am not really sure how to contact HR.

Are you comfortable talking to your supervisor?

[ninjabridemom]

Sept 2, 2015 12:14:37 GMT -5 lemons said:

Do I talk to my FMLA coordinator about it? I work at a huge company and am not really sure how to contact HR.

Say that there have been a few incidents at work and you would like the contact for your HR rep. Leave it at that. It might be the same person, I don't know.

[lemons]

Hmmm...I just got a 1-1 scheduled in a room...maybe someone overheard and talked with my supervisor. If that's not the reason, then I'll bring it up with her and ask for help. I truly just want to bolt and cry, not say stop talking and leave me alone.

Seriously...my eyes are red, I have dark circles. WHY ask if I'm still crying and not sleeping. Get some glasses and leave me alone.

Thanks for all of the input. I'll talk to my supervisor and go from there.

[miso]

I hate this person on your behalf.

Do you have any brash friends? Like somebody who can just yell, "BACK OFF BITCH!" for you?

I would do it for you. Really.

[shostakovich]

Holy shit, she is inappropriate. Narc on her to your supervisor, her supervisor, HR, whoever. Don't worry about being nice.

ETA: Also, something I should have added above: I'm so sorry things are so hard for you right now.  You don't need this woman adding to your grief.  It says a lot about you that you are trying to handle this tactfully, but truly - you owe her nothing, and need to just look out for yourself right now.

[05heel]

Omg. She's a piece of shit. I think I would just email my supervisor and HR and ask that they deal with her today. You don't owe her any face-to-face explanation at this point. She crossed that line a long time ago. She'd just consider it an opportunity to take offense or make you more uncomfortable, given her complete lack of self-awareness and tact.

[Eagles]

I want to give you big hugs. I would be your brash friend. I'm good at that.

I'm so sorry.

[Monica Geller]

I hate her. I'm so sorry you're dealing with her BS. Definitely contact HR. Her behavior is inappropriate and unacceptable.

[cville]

I HATE her for you. Your life isn't about her. She's a line crossing jerk martyr freak and should be stopped. Take it to your boss and to HR. And get a friend to deliver a message too. Preferably a large, hulking friend.

[eb777888]

Oh, jesus. She needs to fuck right off. I'm sorry you have to deal with that shit.

[LeggsBenedict]

talk to hr and don't feel one bit bad about it. she has crossed a line.

it is totally fine to email hr and/or your supervisor if talking about it feels like too much right now. they will understand.