I don't know what I'm looking for

[brokenae]

I post here often enough that you would recognize my screen name so I created this AE.

I'm just feeling broken. I've had my dog for 9 years, before I even met my husband. Been with my husband for 4 years. He's always hated my dog. He told me todat that if I don't get rid of the dog then he is leaving. He expects me to brush the dog every day. To sweep and vacuum every day. To clean up the dog poop every day. I have kids. And a house. And a job. I told him that his expectations are unreasonable. He told me it's him or the dog.

I lost my mind. I parked my car in the sun and laid there inside trying to go to sleep hoping that I would never wake up. He called and called and called me and I finally took his call. I'm so effing scared. What if I had done that? My family? My kids? My friends? How selfish am I?

I stopped taking my antidepressants a week ago, I thought I was okay. I'm not. My husband is a dick and I'm clearly mentally unstable.

I don't know what to do, my world is crashing around me.

[shostakovich]

Oh honey. I'm so sorry you're suffering like this.

Start back up on your ADs, today. I've taken ADs on and off for years, and have had periods where I've felt great so I stopped using them without supervision of my doctor and/or therapist. It was always a mistake.

Have you been seeing a therapist at all? If yes, can you call today to make an appointment? If no, can you call your doc to set up an appointment/get a referral to a psychiatrist?

[studytime45]

Please go to the ER. I've been suicidal, I've gone to the hospital. It's hard but always worth it. Please be safe. You are worth it.

Update us, okay? Talk to us. I'm here, and I'm sure others are as well. PM me if you need to.

[cinnamoncox0]

First im sorry you're h is being a dick.

PLEASE call your doctor or go to urgent care/ER. Your life matters so very much. More than you'll ever know. Please call someone and get help this is very serious. Reaching out here is a step in the right direction but we cannot provide what you need.
You matter. Your life and health and happiness matter. You are needed and loved and cherished.
Good luck and please if you can keep us posted.
(((Hugs))))

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry you're suffering right now. Please get help as soon as possible. Go to the hospital if needed or call a crisis line.

[papie]

Did you wean off your AD or just stopped? Go to the ER now. You need to get back on the meds and stabilize before you do or think of anything else. (((hugs)))

[lovelyshoes]

Please go to the ER. There is No shame in getting help. You deserve to be happy and supported. Please seek help ASAP.

[1confused1]

Go to the ER. This isn't an issue we can help you with on a message board.

[noradog]

Does your doctor know you stopped your AD, or did you stop cold turkey? I've stopped without a plan, and without weaning before and it can land you in a desperate situation. Get in touch with your doctor or go to the ER. Right now.

Also, I'm sorry your H is being an ass about the dog. But the dog problem is secondary right now. Don't get rid of the dog, but don't deal with that problem until you get some help.

[miniroller]

Ok. You are more valuable than you think. There are people (your pup!) in this world who NEED you! This is a blip. Go get some help to fix it. Agree with an urgent care/ the ER/ a doctor's office of any kind, really. Tell them that you went off your antidepressants; it was a mistake- help please.
Please remember that you're important. Your husband was an assface, & kind of made the choice easy, in my opinion. (The choice btw him & the dog) Many hugs, OP. Please go get some help.

[pixy0stix]

Go to the ER or reach out to a suicide hotline. Please.

[pixy0stix]

Also, you know your husband is just using the dog as a scapegoat. This is not a choice, he just wants a way out that makes it look like it's coming from you. Don't let him manipulate you this way.

[mcsangel2]

Sept 3, 2015 12:33:02 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Also, you know your husband is just using the dog as a scapegoat. This is not a choice, he just wants a way out that makes it look like it's coming from you. Don't let him manipulate you this way.

This is what I was thinking. Please get some help and stabilize before you make any decisions.

[Deleted]

I wish you hadn't used an ae. Everything here screams I need support from people who care and there's nothing here to be embarrassed about.

(((Hugs))))

[mrsukyankee]

I can't add anything that others haven't in the past. Please do go to the ER or talk to someone as soon as you can. You are worth it. You truly are.

[cville]

I don't have specific advice, but I have hope and good thoughts coming your way.

[WOT?*]

I just want to add my support and hugs. Know that you have the support of the board wholeheartedly and unquestioningly. Mental health is so necessary and so undervalued. Call the suicide prevention hotline. Call your doctor and get back on your ADs. Get the support of whomever you need. Your kids and your pup need you. Don't deprive those who love you of YOU. Don't let your H's manipulations play on you. I truly hope this is a wake-up call for him. If it's not, he's the last person you need to worry about. Take care of you (and your babies and your pup.)

(((hugs)))

[sonrisa]

Sept 3, 2015 12:44:18 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Do you think the "me or the dog" words could have just been spoken in the heat of an argument? That sounds like the kind of fight my H and I could get into in times when we are both feeling stressed and overburdened.

Please call your doctor and/or a therapist or hotline. 

((hugs))

It also sounds like it was an argument about house cleaning. I hate when small things escalate. Get professional help, get back on your antidepressants. Consider asking your therapist if DBT is right for you. Or asking about PPD. 

[brokenae]

Thank you for the responses. I'm all over the place right now emotionally. I just called the pharmacy to get my Rx filled and am waiting for a call back from our EAP to get scheduled with a therapist. I really don't think I'm going to do anything else to harm myself, I was just so overwhelmed when my husband gave me that ultimatum and felt like I was being torn apart inside, escaping the world seemed like only option. Slightly cooler heads are currently prevailing, but I'm terried about what if this happens again. I've been so stressed out with buying a house and work and just life, I don't know why I thought stopping my meds would be a good idea.

MH said that he called my Mom and I flipped out on him. I turned my phone off so I have no idea if anyone is trying to get in touch with me right now.

It's funny, on the internet, I am a total oversharer, but in my personal life I don't ever talk to anyone about anything. MH never knew I was depressed, and the first time I opened up to him about it he told me that I was being ridiculous and that I didn't need medication. I spent that summer cutting myself and crying in a corner. I never talked to anyone else. And then about 9 months ago I found myself researching different ways to kill myself and writing goodbye letters to my kids in my head. At that point, I went ahead and got on the meds. I'm ashamed.

[cville]

There is NOTHING for you to be ashamed about. Take care of yourself.

I second everyone saying go to the ER.

[Deleted]

Don't be ashamed. I think you do need to find someone to help you navigate through these emotions though.

I was suicidal 2 years ago during a really stressful period in my marriage and life. I called the crisis helpline (I had a plan and I was ready to do it) and they sent me to the ER. I spent some time at the hospital in inpatient and while at the time I was embarrassed, I realize now how silly it was so be embarrassed about it, and I got a lot of tools while I was there.

If your body is sick, you go to the doctor and get meds. This is no different.

PM me if you want to talk more.

[pittsmcgee]

Please listen to the others and get help.

Sending you hugs and positive, healing thoughts.

[ladyk]

Your husband doesn't sound very supportive at all. That bridge doesn't have to be crossed right now though.

Do not be ashamed. Seriously. You are human and we are a vulnerable lot. It's okay not to be okay. It may seem like a lot right now but take it one day at a time or one hour at a time.

[WOT?*]

Your update breaks my heart. Your H doesn't know what you need. That's between you and your doctor.

If you ever feel you need to "overshare" please come here or call the suicide prevention hotline or SOMETHING other than harming yourself. Don't do anything to hurt yourself or take yourself from those who care about you. (Again, your kids, your dog, your family... There are SO MANY who care.)

[sunshineluv]

I really encourage you to go to the ER, right now. Just because you feel okay at the moment, doesn't mean that you may go back to the way you were feeling earlier. Thank goodness you didn't do anything, and now that you are seeing things a bit more clearly, you are glad you didn't. Don't make the mistake of pushing this under the rug, and harming yourself. Your kids need you, people love you, very much. You are everything to those kids. I urge you to get treatment, TODAY, not next week. Please.

[cinnamoncox0]

Your update is scary too. Turning off your phone when in crisis and others are worried about you isn't the answer.
I
I'm glad you called the EAP
Good luck and do keep us posted since you said you don't like to talk much in real life, vent here.
But go to get help asap

[sonrisa]

Needing help does not make you selfish. Your husband doesn't get to decide when and if you need medication. Take care of yourself.

[sugarbear]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Lots of love to you.

[lovelyshoes]

Please don't be ashamed! There is nothing at all to be ashamed of. You are overwhelmed, you need help and things will get better. Your husband sounds mean and he doesn't get to decide if you need medication or not. If he wants to leave, let him leave! Don't let that affect how you treat yourself. Your kids Do need you and they always will. They absolutely need you! Repeat that to yourself if any bad thoughts creep up. Please seek help! Please do it for you, your kids and your mom. These people love you and need you. Please keep us updated.

[hopecounts]

Sweetie GO TO THE ER!
You need some help getting your balance back and it sounds like your H will be no help.
Reach out to anyone who will be supportive IRL and GO.