brokenae can we get an update?

[studytime45]

((hugs)) thinking of you

[miniroller]

Thanks for doing this, OP. I was wondering how you're doing today AE. Sending great thoughts.

[styme46]

Lots of good thoughts headed your way. (((HUGS)))

[awick14]

((Hugs)) thinking of you today.

[mudslide]

Hope you're okay. ((Hugs))

[brokenae]

Thank you everyone for thinking of me. Last night pretty much sucked. I went home and hoped that I could talk to my husband. I stopped and got my Rx filled and scheduled an appointment for therapy.

Talking did not go well. He continued to belittle me and was dismissive when I tried to explain that I'm sick. I was begging for his support. Yes, I was snappy and defensive, but I felt like he was attacking me when I so desperately needed him to lean on.

I've struggled with depression for several years, but never as bad as it's been recenlty. For so long, I would wonder, is it them or is it me? My first husband was an abusive prick, but I use to always think that it was my fault, I could have done more, I could have done better.

I met my now husband and he seemed so perfect. Life was good and I got off of my medication. But then there were.....situations. Disagreements if you will. I wondered, was I causing the issue here? I must've been misreading tone or something. I retreated further into myself and decided that I wasn't going to share anything with anyone, because clearly it was me and his behavior towards me was my imagination.

I had some really down times for about a year leading up to when I finally got back on meds. Sometimes I have moments of clarity when I think "it's him" and that I shouldn't be feeling the way I do and then other times I blame myself. I just don't know. I'm so messed up in the head right now.

I found these notes that I wrote to myself. They are sad and heartbreaking. Talking about hurting inside and wanting to make myself bleed so I hurt on the outside too. Talking about how my love for my children is the only reason why I haven't killed myself but that I was creeping slowly towards the edge.

I'm a mess right now. Partly because I realize how sick I am and that I desperately need help. And partly because I'm realizing what a rip roaring asshole my husband is.

I don't know if this is much of an update, but thank you all for being so concerned about me, it really does mean the world.

[brokenae]

I need some perspective here on how much mh is an asshole vs how much I'm being overly sensitive because my emotions are on overload right now.

Someone we know died a pretty horrible death last year at work. My h does a similar job. He knows that I have anxiety about how our friend died and so I've asked him to not tell me when he has to do that specific task at work. He just sent me a picture of him doing that task and said "boy, I sure hope that nothing happens to me". Dick move or am I being overly sensitive?

[mom2twoboys]

Please don't blame yourself. It is easy for anyone too. I am glad you went to the appointment and got more meds. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself too. I wish your husband was supportive, but it seems like his just a grade A asshole.

[cinnamoncox0]

When is your appointment? I feel so very sorry for you, even this update just seems so disjointed and I'm concerned for you.
Did you tell the therapist how serious things are right now? To me this is a crisis, but i don't know you so I can only base my opinion on what I've read here.
If you're in the Boston area and want to talk to someone supportive please pm me ok.

[mom2twoboys]

Dick move. You told him specifically not to tell you and you also told him you are not doing well. He did that to get a rise out of you and further puts him in the grade A asshole category!

[cuddlyevil]

No, you're not being overly sensitive. He's being a grade A asshat.

I'm glad you've got an appointment for therapy. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[cinnamoncox0]

Sept 4, 2015 13:16:00 GMT -5 brokenae said:

I need some perspective here on how much mh is an asshole vs how much I'm being overly sensitive because my emotions are on overload right now.

Someone we know died a pretty horrible death last year at work. My h does a similar job. He knows that I have anxiety about how our friend died and so I've asked him to not tell me when he has to do that specific task at work. He just sent me a picture of him doing that task and said "boy, I sure hope that nothing happens to me". Dick move or am I being overly sensitive?

Alright, it's clearly a dick move and if you're even considering that you may just be being overly sensitive, you're not in a proper state of mind, like at all.
How long have you been married to him? I forget if you said it in your op.
Please focus on you and your mental health and just for now pretend he doesn't exist until you can get to a therapist and resume your meds.
I hate your h so much right now.

[christy082]

Regarding your second post, he's being a huge insensitive dick. That seems like emotional abuse given that he knows how anxious that makes you.

You don't deserve this. You deserve so much better.

[studytime45]

What your husband did is a fucking DICK MOVE. A seriously fucked up and insensitive thing to do. He is completely unconcerned about your feelings and wellbeing.

Please get help, very soon. He has shown that he is not willing/able to be there for you RIGHT NOW, which is what you need. RIGHT NOW.

You deserve to feel better than you do currently. I've been at the bottom and it seems inescapable. You CAN feel better. ((hugs)) ok? Keep us updated, we care very much about you.

[jellymankelly]

Sept 4, 2015 13:16:00 GMT -5 brokenae said:

I need some perspective here on how much mh is an asshole vs how much I'm being overly sensitive because my emotions are on overload right now.

Someone we know died a pretty horrible death last year at work. My h does a similar job. He knows that I have anxiety about how our friend died and so I've asked him to not tell me when he has to do that specific task at work. He just sent me a picture of him doing that task and said "boy, I sure hope that nothing happens to me". Dick move or am I being overly sensitive?

He's trying to break you down. This is borderline abuse at this point, and I'm not one to throw that word around. He's a dick, this is NOT just you.

[waffletime]

That would be an assholish thing to do even if you were being over sensitive. Which you aren't.

[youhadmycuriosity]

Please, please get help. Your husband is being an absolutely abhorrent asshole right now. I would not attempt to speak with him right now. He is unwilling to give you the support you need- instead, he seems to be going out of his way to antagonize the situation. You don't deserve any of this.

[miniroller]

Sept 4, 2015 13:17:59 GMT -5 @astrid said:

Sept 4, 2015 13:16:00 GMT -5 brokenae said:

I need some perspective here on how much mh is an asshole vs how much I'm being overly sensitive because my emotions are on overload right now.

Someone we know died a pretty horrible death last year at work. My h does a similar job. He knows that I have anxiety about how our friend died and so I've asked him to not tell me when he has to do that specific task at work. He just sent me a picture of him doing that task and said "boy, I sure hope that nothing happens to me". Dick move or am I being overly sensitive?

He sounds completely horrible.

Horrible if he did this two weeks ago. Sending this today knowing your current emotional state & considering the night you guys had last night, he's a prick beyond measure. You need to DTMF & DTMF fast. We'll talk you through every step. You have support, even if it's online. So many hugs, dear girl.

[bcv513]

Sept 4, 2015 13:23:38 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

Sept 4, 2015 13:16:00 GMT -5 brokenae said:

He's trying to break you down. This is borderline abuse at this point, and I'm not one to throw that word around. He's a dick, this is NOT just you.

Honestly, I think he is long past borderline. OP, this is not you being oversensitive. AT. ALL. It almost seems like he's trying to make you feel worse. Please take care of yourself. You are worth it. ((hugs))

[hopecounts]

Your H is being a complete asshole in regards to how he is handling your depression and the picture he sent you.
This is NOT YOUR FAULT, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
I think getting the help you need (meds and therapy) will help you have a clearer head in regards to his behavior and you can go from there.
Right now focus on getting yourself healthy and balanced.
If your therapist/psych can't get you in very soon (as in early next week) make sure they know you are in crisis. When I did mental health scheduling our team always did there best to work in anyone going through a particularly tough time, sometimes it wasn't possible or it was recommended they go to inpatient via the ER for the safety and well being but as much as they could they tried to make sure those who were hurting got seen in a timely fashion.

[dana2006]

He's a sadist and an emotional abuser. Do you have any other irl support? (((hugs)))

[styme46]

You absolutely are NOT being overly sensitive. I'm going to need help burying his body. What an asshole.

I'm glad you have a therapy appointment and got your RX filled. I'm sorry you are going through this. Please continue to lean on us. We are here for you.

[pandorica]

He is being completely terrible, I'm so sorry I hope you can get away from him.

[yourmother]

I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I commend you for getting the help that you need with the RX and therapy. {{{HUGS}}}

I really hope you find support elsewhere. It's sad that your DH is a huge asswipe and won't take you or your situation seriously. He's being abusive in the way he's treating you and I don't say this lightly...you need to leave. Stop second-guessing yourself with regard to your DH. He's not a nice person and you deserve so much better.

You can PM me anytime if you need to chat.

[amberlyrose]

Your H is a dick and he is not going to be the person you want him to be. Dump him and take care of yourself and your family.

[miniroller]

brokenae I know it's repeating, so you might be purposely avoiding & I don't mean to put you on the spot, so ignore if you'd prefer.
What's your IRL support situation? Do you have anyone who knows a bit of what's going on with you? If not, is there anyone you know with whom you're willing to have a heart to heart & fill her/ him in? A mother, sister, friend, colleague, neighbor, brother, etc.?
I just don't want to worry about you becoming isolated on this 3 day weekend. I'd really feel so much better knowing there's someone IRL who's close to you & knows what's going on.
Not to pressure, but it would be taking a huge load off of a lot of our hearts if you could please address this..?
(*I know you're (WRONGFULLY!) ashamed of your need for AD's & I guess that's making me worry that you hide it from people. I'd really like to know that someone knows what's going on. Please?)

[lovelyshoes]

He sounds like a complete ahole. He is being spiteful and disrespectful. Please don't listen to anything that he says. Protect and take care of yourself. Can you stay with family or friends?

[formerlyak]

Glad you came in and updated and I'm proud of you for trying to talk to your husband. That is not easy - my ex-husband never wanted to listen when I was having a hard time with my anxiety and that made it even harder to deal with. He is being a dick and his text is further proof of that.

I will share this story to help you put it in perspective:

I have anxiety. Weird things make me anxious - like going to Costco. I seriously get shaky and tense and sometimes have panic attacks pulling into the Costco parking lot. It isn't the crowd, because I have no problem at other very crowded places, it freakin' Costco. But sometimes I try to just go because they have a deal on something we need. The first time my husband went to Costco with me, he thought I was joking. When he realized I was clearly not joking and saw me deep breathing to deal with the crazy Costco parking lot, he stopped teasing me about it because as odd as it seems to most people who don't get my anxiety about Costco, he knew for me it was a real feeling. He immediately asked if I'd like to abort our trip to Costco and just find the item elsewhere. I said no and we went in, got our thing and went out - no browsing. He said he could see me physically get more relaxed as we drove out of the Costco parking lot. Now any time there is something there he wants that is a good deal, he tells me he needs to get it and that it is at Costco and says, "I am happy to go myself because I know you hate it there."

Point is, anxiety over Costco seems silly to most. But if someone cares about you they will respect your anxieties (regardless of how silly the thing you are anxious about seems to them) or depression or any mental illness that you may be struggling with. Because they care about you and want you to feel good. So no, you are not being overly sensitive about the picture text. He's not being sensitive enough to your current state of mind and is being a complete asshole.

[esdreturns]

Sept 4, 2015 13:16:00 GMT -5 brokenae said:

I need some perspective here on how much mh is an asshole vs how much I'm being overly sensitive because my emotions are on overload right now.

Someone we know died a pretty horrible death last year at work. My h does a similar job. He knows that I have anxiety about how our friend died and so I've asked him to not tell me when he has to do that specific task at work. He just sent me a picture of him doing that task and said "boy, I sure hope that nothing happens to me". Dick move or am I being overly sensitive?

I actually just gasped out loud when I read this.

He's being a dick. You are not being overly sensitive at all. I'm actually a bit speechless that he would do something so clearly dick-ish.

Please, take care of yourself. HUGS.

[WOT?*]

Knowing your current anxiety issues, sending that picture is more than just a dick move. It's cruel and callous and heartless and not something that a person with an ounce of caring or feeling toward another would do. Take care of yourself, because he certainly isn't caring for you. He's an abusive prick and a bully. You take care of you and ignore him and his cruelty. I'm with the DTMFA crowd, but do it in your own good time.

Take care of yourself. Stay on your meds and see a counselor as long as you need to. Don't let him drive you further into yourself and separate yourself from those who care about you. That's what an abuser does. Find support IRL and come here any time you need to.