Sunday Night Randoms, life dilemmas, and more

[bl]

@pdx18 sorry to hear about A and I hope things can slow down and you guys can reconnect soon. I also agree with you on coasting being OK. I started my career at 17 and was in a leadership role before I was 21, I had to work my ass off and was always striving to be better. I put work before pretty much everything else and when I look back I feel like life was pretty boring. Now I am definitely in a coasting phase with work, I am producing high quality work and meeting all expectations, but I am not working a ton of extra hours or really going above and beyond. I am focusing so much more on my personal life, being much more social, finding myself, and overall just enjoying my life a lot more. I am okay with maintaining this for the next 6-12 months, but I know if I want my next promotion I will need to pick it up a bit after that.

[1confused1]

Sept 22, 2015 14:24:41 GMT -5 TR said:

@pdx18 - literally FOUR days ago you were posting how well things were going and how much you liked this guy. I know I haven't been around here that long and don't post ALL that much, but it seems like sometimes you can have a pretty defeatist attitude about dating. Like each time you end things with someone it seems like you say you're taking a break from dating altogether. And now I don't know what happened in the last four days that would make you jump right to "we're not connecting, things are waning". Try to be more optimistic!

This!  You are so quick to give up on things, give it some time.  You don't need to spend every day with him, enjoy the texts, enjoy the time you do get to spend together and stop giving up so fast!

[jojoandleo]

Sept 22, 2015 14:24:41 GMT -5 TR said:

@pdx18 - literally FOUR days ago you were posting how well things were going and how much you liked this guy. I know I haven't been around here that long and don't post ALL that much, but it seems like sometimes you can have a pretty defeatist attitude about dating. Like each time you end things with someone it seems like you say you're taking a break from dating altogether. And now I don't know what happened in the last four days that would make you jump right to "we're not connecting, things are waning". Try to be more optimistic!

@pdx18-I agree with this. I think it is a defense mechanism for you. If you just assume the worst and don't get your hopes up, you won't get hurt. BUT, if you assume the worst-you ACT like things are already waning and may ruin a good thing.

Have you tried texting more?  YOU have to put in effort as well, rather than writing it all off.  Maybe he's not texting more because YOU aren't, not because he's not into it.

[Deleted]

I don't think it's as much of a defense mechanism as it is patterns of past experience and trying to learn to trust someone isn't just going to disappear again. I'm not afraid of being hurt. I've been hurt a ton and I don't think anyone can hurt me worse then telling me it was "no biggie" and then never contacting me again after I almost died. Literally every single time I've let myself relax and enjoy something with someone then I get blindsided and they disappear. It sucks. The last guy I dated just stopped texting me after meeting my parents and all of my friends. So I'd say I'm paranoid.

[Deleted]

Also jojoandleo yes I have been texting him and as a result he's been texting a lot less, hence my concern.

[Wanderista]

I will admit that I'm kind of coasting with my career. I was way more excited when I was younger than I am now. I am probably a bit jaded about the working world perhaps in the way that others get jaded about dating after disappointment. I feel like some of my expectations for my career just might not be realistic and that makes me want to coast. I made some changes last year that pushed me in a new direction but now I have mixed feelings about it - not bad feelings, just total ambivalence.

I've kind of been facing the fact that at least for right now, I'm not incredibly motivated. That might change and I certainly am productive enough, I'm just not fired up by passion for my work at all. It feels like coasting and also like I'm kind of ok with that right now which is a weird feeling. I could keep doing what I am doing or I could throw it all out of the window and do something else. I'm not sure how much better that would be. I do know that whatever happens, I'll be ok.

Also, I feel like right now, I need to keep plowing along since last year was such a year of growth for me. This year is more like plowing along professionally and it has dawned on me how much I like work-life balance.

[Wanderista]

@pdx18 - I don't want to comment on the horrible thing that happened to you with an ex because I have no idea what that feels like. I've experienced crappy moments in love but nothing like that. I think you got incredibly unlucky. I won't say more than that. It doesn't mean that you will always be unlucky though.

I guess I'd just say to try not to worry too much and to see him when you can. Let things play out. I know that can seem scary but to quote the cliche, "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst." Try to stay hopeful but maybe don't totally drop your guard yet as you are still getting to know him.

[Deleted]

Sept 22, 2015 16:18:11 GMT -5 mp said:

Sept 22, 2015 15:01:44 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I don't think it's as much of a defense mechanism as it is patterns of past experience and trying to learn to trust someone isn't just going to disappear again. I'm not afraid of being hurt. I've been hurt a ton and I don't think anyone can hurt me worse then telling me it was "no biggie" and then never contacting me again after I almost died. Literally every single time I've let myself relax and enjoy something with someone then I get blindsided and they disappear. It sucks. The last guy I dated just stopped texting me after meeting my parents and all of my friends. So I'd say I'm paranoid.

At some point it makes sense to evaluate the common thread in the patterns you experience. When I kept dating dicks I had a lot of introspection to do. Some you can't control but some you can.

I say this to be kind but very honest - there's a pattern you follow in your interactions and how you behave on the board. I think this is not at all unsurprising to anyone who's seen your dating threads. It's hard to get excited for you because we know in two weeks you'll be posting like this again.

Yep dating is a struggle for me. I don't think that's a surprise to anyone. I am in therapy and working through a lot of the patterns I experience. I have anxiety disorder coupled with OCD which causes me to get stuck in, and think in, these patterns. It's much better but it does help to talk it out. Sort of like how you have to work on understanding how to function as a highly sensitive person, I have to work on functioning as a highly anxious person. It's not fun and it's not something I can just "fix" about myself. I can work on it and it's gotten a lot better, but it is going to come up. It will never completely go away. 

That being said I'm not totally domesday about this guy. I'm scared. I'm really scared. No one has every stuck around this long. I don't have a ton of experience dating beyond like the first four dates. So this is hard terriorty for me. As part of my anxiety it's within me to expect the worst. Which is why I come here to help talk through some of this so I don't project onto him. So this weekend when our communication pattern was very different than usual and then he didn't respond to a question I sent him early last night (he's usually super responsive) I felt like something was "off." With my anxiety something this small feels huge to me if that makes sense. I can rationalize that it isn't, but then it creeps back in.

Anyways talking this through with everyone and the perspectives have helped me come to the fact that almost anyone would, which is he was likely just busy, like a normal person and this is not going to come crashing down right down.

[jojoandleo]

I agree with mp. Even your responses here about "bad luck" sound defeatist. You are paranoid, which can cause problems in a relationship. Without you even realizing it, you could be pushing a relationship away with your paranoia.

But do you see how it went from so much excitement a few days ago to suddenly "it's waning" now. Followed by you "not caring." Which, it's OKAY to care. I would care. You can't change anyone else. There are jerks out there. The only person you can control is you. And if you do keep dating these guys who go from hot and cold SO quickly, maybe you should look at yourself and see WHY you are attracting these guys.

[Deleted]

Sept 22, 2015 16:38:55 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

I agree with mp. Even your responses here about "bad luck" sound defeatist. You are paranoid, which can cause problems in a relationship. Without you even realizing it, you could be pushing a relationship away with your paranoia.

But do you see how it went from so much excitement a few days ago to suddenly "it's waning" now. Followed by you "not caring." Which, it's OKAY to care. I would care. You can't change anyone else. There are jerks out there. The only person you can control is you. And if you do keep dating these guys who go from hot and cold SO quickly, maybe you should look at yourself and see WHY you are attracting these guys.

I explained this in my above post. I'm not sure if our posts crossed. The bolded is really frustrating for me honestly and I'm so sick of hearing this is all ME. Look in the earlier days of my posts I fully take credit for that trainwreck and attracting assholes. But now I think it's just the dating culture. Haven't we seen so many articles that talk about ghosting? I know most of my friends in real life experience the same thing. And it's not that I have like hundreds of guys who are ghosting me. It's that it's hard for me to really connect with men (and honestly that's mostly on me, as there have been plenty who wanted to date me, but I wasn't interested in them). So there have been three instances where guys have disappeared on me. But those are the only three instances I've had of actual "relationships." And no they didn't go from hot to cold immediately. I felt them "ramping down" but everyone would say I was being paranoid or overthinking it and then "poof." I've had a small amount of experiences and I've been very unlucky that those experiences were bad. 

ETA: I would care at somepoint. But today I'm exhausted, dealing with my mom, and work is crazy. I was saying in this exact moment I just can't give too many emotions to this. I would be very sad if this didn't work out. 

[jojoandleo]

My point was, the only thing you can control is YOU (not that it all is you). Focusing on how other people suck won't ever change your "luck." Focusing on what you are doing/attracting may actually effectuate change. People here are seeing a pattern. We are just trying to get you out of your head to maybe change this pattern.

[Deleted]

Sept 22, 2015 17:10:52 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

My point was, the only thing you can control is YOU (not that it all is you). Focusing on how other people suck won't ever change your "luck." Focusing on what you are doing/attracting may actually effectuate change. People here are seeing a pattern. We are just trying to get you out of your head to maybe change this pattern.

Oh yes that totally makes sense and I get it. I will say the pattern is the real struggle in my anxiety and I have seen a lot of changes in myself. You are all subject to just what a share, which is usually the bad stuff when I'm struggling. I will say I have definitely been attracting better men. The guy I was dating prior was actually really great until the sudden disappearing act, but he's much different than anyone I had dated prior, and in a good way.

This weekend there was the typical douchy guy who in the past I would have been ALL about and super flattered that he was interested in me at my friend's house. We flirted a lot and it was super fun, but when he wanted to get in my pants I was like NEWP because I could see exactly what he was. (Note: A and I are NOT exclusive or had any talks that indicate as such). The next two days he apparently hooked up with two other girls (He's a friend of my friend's husband). Normally I would have spent the whole weekend obsessing over if this could be something and then be super hurt about his other hookups. It felt good to be on the other side of the coin and be the girl who didn't take the bait. 

[Deleted]

Sept 22, 2015 17:21:03 GMT -5 mp said:

You say it's like my sensitivity. And then you say it's just bad luck. I can assure you my emotions have pushed men away when I first started dating. It's not something I'm proud of but its surely not something I am going to blame them for or say is just bad luck. I've done and said stupid things that made me look like an idiot. And I've learned and grown from it, and I never once suggested it was all just bad luck. my recent relationships are a different story, and I think jigsy can attest to that.

I don't think that your experiences with dating are entirely normal or that "this is just the way dating is." Yes, ghosting happens. But to have it happen so frequently would really surprise me for *anyone*. I don't want this to seem accusatory but you seem to go from "it's not me and it's just luck" to "I have serious anxiety and I can't help it" with no healthy middle ground. Best of luck, these threads are kind of too exhausting to deal with even from the outside.

I agree they are exhausting! I made one innoucous comment that I thought his interest was wayning and it blew up all over again. I wasn't even asking for advice or for someone to give me hairpats. It seems that I can't comment on feeling like something is off with someone I'm dating without being jumped all over on this board. It's really frustrating.

I know my anxiety in the past has pushed men away. And I know I have made concerted changes to those. The last guy who ghosted me texted me a month later apologizing and tell me he had a breakdown of sorts and wanted to assure me it wasn't anything to do with me. The first guy I take full credit for and the other guy we ended up getting back together and broke up for other reasons. Again he notes his ghosting was an overreaction to a fight we had and he reached out to apologize. So yea I would say with that mixed bag it was some my fault and some bad luck.

When I talk to the bad luck part though I mean more the fact that some people find themselves in great relationships and some don't. More in the general sense. Some people are lucky to walk into a room at just the right moment, etc. Not so much on the ghosting part. 

[lemons]

Sept 21, 2015 2:23:21 GMT -5 MauMau said:

I've been MIA. I've just been having a real rough go of it the last month. I am having a hard time transitioning my life. I just want to stick my head in the sand.

It has been a sucky month. Hang in there! They say with time, everything gets better...hoping it doesn't take a lot of time!

[lemons]

Sept 21, 2015 7:41:12 GMT -5 pantsoffdanceoff said:

Well you've got built in friends in Florida (me and bl), especially if it is Central Florida.

I was in an anxious mood for most of the weekend and it started to calm down yesterday. I went and bought some 5-HTP and will be starting that tonight before bed. Currently I'm making a house cleaning schedule for every night this week and I'm actually excited about it.

Could you share your schedule (or come clean my house)? I'm trying to get back into the routine of cooking and cleaning and I just don't want to.

[pantsoffdanceoff]

Sept 24, 2015 12:03:40 GMT -5 lemons said:

Sept 21, 2015 7:41:12 GMT -5 pantsoffdanceoff said:

Well you've got built in friends in Florida (me and bl), especially if it is Central Florida.

I was in an anxious mood for most of the weekend and it started to calm down yesterday. I went and bought some 5-HTP and will be starting that tonight before bed. Currently I'm making a house cleaning schedule for every night this week and I'm actually excited about it.

Could you share your schedule (or come clean my house)? I'm trying to get back into the routine of cooking and cleaning and I just don't want to.

Basically every night a room gets "deep cleaned" because if I break it up by room, then it only takes 30 minutes instead of 4 hours.

Monday: Guest Bathroom and Guest bedrooms. No one ever goes in those rooms, so it's an easy clean.

Tuesday: Family room

Wednesday: Kitchen and breakfast nook

Thursday: Living room and dining room

Friday: Master bath and bedroom

Saturday and Sunday: Wash sheets and towels and bask in my clean house!