I recently found out my husband is living a double life of sorts. No physical cheating that I can confirm but he has paid a woman online (a professional Dom type) thousands of dollars to make personalized videos of herself performing sex acts, and also videos where she is (virtually) dominating him - calling names, belittling, demanding he perform acts on her strap on, etc. He has also sent her "tips" like Amazon gc, sex toys, slippers, etc. Some of the sex toys were then used in subsequent videos. The Amazon account is how I found this in the first place, and it spiraled from there. I have no one to talk about this irl. My parents, his, my friends, his. I am physically sick over this. We have one small child, and had started to ttc another. I don't know if anyone else would consider this cheating since there has been no proof of a physical betrayal, but I am devastated and needed to vent here.
I am at my actual computer now so I want to add some things: How this all started was DH told me he ordered Amazon dash buttons for a few household items. I know his pw, so I looked late Friday night to see what he had ordered them for. I saw a recent GC (September 18th), the email of the person, and it went from there. He listed his spam email as the "from" so I used the same password (just guessing) to see if there was anything there, and found a treasure trove. There are 58 email threads, some of which are invoices/receipts. The latest video was received on my child's birthday (recently) One video was requested on his birthday (a few months ago), a day the 3 of us spent together. As I mentioned in a subsequent post, one video was requested when our child was 16 days old. There were only a handful of emails while I was pregnant. It has really ramped up (30 emails?) since my child was born. The first request was over 2.5 years ago. The average price is $10/minute and each video is 10-15 minutes, so upwards of $100 a pop. Plus a minimum of $25 extra after delivery (tip) in the form of mainly Amazon gc.
One of the items sent was a pair of slippers. I remember seeing something about slippers on his amazon account around Christmas when I was on his computer. I quickly logged out when I realized the mistake and I assumed were for me. I realize now I never got them, and duh, they weren't for me anyway.
I am looking at that email now (he has an account for things like HuffPo alerts, store sales, etc) and he requested a password change for an app called Line, which is, according to a quick search, sending IMs and making free calls. My guess is so they won't be tracked. AWESOME.
One more thing: I am sort of most blindsided about some of his oft-repeated fantasies. One huge thing in our marriage is him not being bossed around. Example: my mom and I usually go to this thing that's happening next weekend. I am taking LO, and DH was upset that I just made the decision instead of talking it out. He is going to see his parents and assumed he would take LO. I basically said too bad b/c my plans were made first, and also he misunderstood when I was going and how long I was going to be gone, so it made no sense that he would have LO. And yet with this person he specifically asks to be demeaned and bossed around. He also asks her to smoke, and he haaaates smoking IRL. Like, more than I do, and I pretty much think cigarettes are the nastiest thing ever.
I am so sorry. You caught him vs a confession, correct? What has been his reaction?
I haven't said a word. I want to get the emails and copies of orders in hard copy first, so he can't deny or delete and my earliest opportunity is tomorrow at work.
Oh honey, sending you so many hugs. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd totally feel betrayed, and would totally consider that cheating. Vent and talk to us as much as you need to. Id also encourage you to open up to a trusted friend in real life. You have nothing to feel ashamed of, this is all on him, and you shouldn't have to keep his inappropriate behavior a secret.
My best friend found her boyfriend of almost 10 years on various adult sex finding sites, and confided in us, and we are so glad to provide her support as she deals with the aftermath. I bet your friends (and us here!) would be happy to do the same for you.
Post by countthestars on Oct 4, 2015 14:29:00 GMT -5
I'm so sorry. I don't think I would be able to forgive him if I were you. I think saving / copying everything is smart. Lean on us as much as you need.
I am so sorry. I personally would have a hard time forgiving this. I would consider it cheating, as well as financial infidelity. I would not be able to trust that someone who would spend thousands of dollars on this would be willing to just stop.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best. I also went through some inappropriate online stuff with my H and I was heartbroken. Big hugs.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are thinking pretty clearly. I hope you're able to get the resolution you want. We're here whatever you need.
Honestly I am super shocked that I have been able to keep it together. I am usually the scorched earth type. I called, of all people, my boss. While he is not my fave person, I don't care what he thinks of my husband. He told me to spend the night at a hotel but I was afraid of raising a red flag. He also said to take as much time as I need to process. l may take him up on it and take some time off tomorrow afternoon to consult a lawyer.
If I did what I really want to, I would print out copies of everything and send to his parents, friends, bosses and subordinates at work so he would be destroyed personally and professionally.
Since your boss already knows the situation, give him a heads up that you will be visiting the sites/sexually explicit email/Amazon and printing it out at work to gather evidence. I would hate for this to get you in shit at work.
I am so sorry. This is an absolute betrayal and I wouldn't be able to come back from something like this. My exFI went down a similar road and newp. Done, done, done. This is a calculated emotional affair. And even if it didn't cross into actual physical infidelity, this isn't an area where I'd be understanding based on a technicality. Waaaay over the line, in so many ways. (((Hugs))). I hope you're able to find someone irl to confide in and support you soon.
I'm so sorry. That is awful. I personally would consider it cheating. It would be hard for me to ever trust him again after that. He'd have a LOT to make up for.
i absolutely think she should make that assumption.
I think it is smart to get STD testing, but I think that is smart in any relationship. I don't think one should assume if someone is watching self directed porn (I don't know what else to call what is mentioned in the OP) that they are having physical sex. I am not commenting on it being cheating or not.
i have no issues with porn, self directed or otherwise, if it's in the open in a relationship. I certainly don't think all people who look at porn are also having extramarital sex IRL.
But fact that he has spent thousands of dollars and who knows how many hours doing this and kept it a complete secret from his wife means that he could easily be hiding other things too. The thing about trust is once you break it there are no safe assumptions anymore. You force people to assume the worst about you.
So again, I would abso fucking lutely move forward on the assumption that physical cheating is going on too. Hopefully it's not, but OP needs to assume the worst to protect herself and her health from the consequences of her husband's choices until she is certain he is not hiding anything else.
I am so sorry. I feel awful for you. I would absolutely consider it cheating, and even if it weren't the deception would still be enough reason for me to leave absent compelling evidence of change. It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing right now. I hope you find lots of support among family and friends when and if you decide to seek it out. Let us know if there is anything we can do.
i absolutely think she should make that assumption.
I think it is smart to get STD testing, but I think that is smart in any relationship. I don't think one should assume if someone is watching self directed porn (I don't know what else to call what is mentioned in the OP) that they are having physical sex. I am not commenting on it being cheating or not.
I don't think anyone is assuming that he is definitely having physical sex, but rather suggesting that someone who is willing to deceive his wife both financially and by engaging in a sexual relationship online is probably not above physical cheating should the desire and opportunity arise. Sure, no one should consider their relationship to be immune from cheating, and everyone should get tested. But I don't think it is out of line to suggest tht the OP's H is more suspect than average given his behavior.