While you are compiling everything related to the orders/charges/emails, go ahead and print out/PDF snapshots of your joint CC and bank account balances. I'd save everything as PDFs (in addition to print outs) and put them in a private Google Drive or Dropbox account that is not linked to any email account that he can access/knows about. Change your passwords for your email account and any other accounts that are yours. I'm so very sorry. And yes, it is a million percent cheating for him to do this without your knowledge and spending tons of money doing it.
This is good. Thanks. We only have 1 joint account and it only has $100 in it. I was able to log into his accounts, b/c he has asked me to do mobile deposits with my phone into it. There was a bill payment of $845 last month for the card I believe all of the charges are on, but I don't have a statement for that card, or access to that account. Last payments for that card 845 950 738 154 280 418
Just wanted to add support and say I'm really sorry about this. I would feel totally blindsided and stunned if it were me, and wouldn't know where to turn either, but we are here for you, and at least you have your boss IRL right now. Small start. ((hugs))
You mentioned traveling this week - I would use that time to think through people you know that will be 100% supportive of you in this situation. Right now you are feeling collected but it seems like you are aware there will probably be an emotional crash at some point (to be expected with this sort of shady shit!) I would try to get something lined up so that when you do crash you have someone to talk to where you feel comfortable. I can understand not wanting to tell your closest mutual friends but hopefully there is someone there who can support you, because this isn't your fault.
I think there is one person who I can talk to about this, and conveniently, she lives on the way to/from where I am going. I am going to see if I can grab a drink with her either on my way there/back and get her thoughts. Also conveniently, she used to be in the legal field (but I will likely DD that)
I am so incredibly sorry you are going through this. I cannot even imagine, but if possible, I would gather all evidence you've found and meet with an attorney prior to confronting him.
Post by jerseyjaybird on Oct 5, 2015 8:00:25 GMT -5
I don't post here but wanted to pop in with my support.
I don't know whether this will be helpful or not, but it's really common to be surprised/thrown off by a partner's deepest/most hidden fantasies, or even by your own. It's not uncommon for someone's fantasies to be about something forbidden to him or her, whether by social norms or their own orientation, choices, etc. For example, it's not unusual for straight men to have fantasies about other men, even if they are not attracted to men----it's what's most forbidden. I'm *not* trying to excuse any of your H's actions, which to me are appalling, just to say that your sense of shock about the dominance, smoking, etc., is very normal.
I hope that you get the support you need and deserve.
FWIW, I would definitely call this cheating. Would he think it's okay if you did this? What were your vows? To be faithful? Forsake all others? Asking someone else to do something intimate is forsaking you, even if he's "only" watching. He's cheating with his thoughts, mind, and not focusing on you, his wife, and his family.
Honestly, that's not where my mind went with all of this, but you are right. My thoughts were regarding our child and if he thinks it would be ok if their spouse in 25-30 years did this to them. The answer would be certainly not.
Ok, I have printed all of the emails out and am working on financials now.
I have an STD test scheduled for Friday afternoon. I made the appointment without somehow breaking down.
I am debating how I should handle showing/giving him the info.
I can tell him tonight, before I leave tomorrow for a 1 night/2 day trip (leave Tuesday, return late Wednesday)
I can leave it for him tomorrow morning before I leave - he would find it tomorrow evening - so he has time to digest it without me present. LO is being cared for by family elsewhere.
I can mail it "anonymously" today so it arrives tomorrow/Wednesday with a letter basically stating tell your wife or else and give him a week or so to do so before I come to him with the info.
Ok, I have printed all of the emails out and am working on financials now.
I have an STD test scheduled for Friday afternoon. I made the appointment without somehow breaking down.
I am debating how I should handle showing/giving him the info.
I can tell him tonight, before I leave tomorrow for a 1 night/2 day trip (leave Tuesday, return late Wednesday)
I can leave it for him tomorrow morning before I leave - he would find it tomorrow evening - so he has time to digest it without me present. LO is being cared for by family elsewhere.
I can mail it "anonymously" today so it arrives tomorrow/Wednesday with a letter basically stating tell your wife or else and give him a week or so to do so before I come to him with the info.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee do not do the last two. Especially not the last one.
I would talk to him about it before you leave. I wouldn't leave it for him to find because I'd want to see his initial reaction before he has time to think of cover stories/excuses/etc.
My problem with doing it before I leave is that I'm afraid I won't have the opportunity to talk everything out in 1 night. It is hard for me to start/stop conversations without losing my track of thought so picking up where I left off after 2-3 days would be difficult. There is no way for him to deny anything. Even if the evidence that I gave him was destroyed/deleted, I am keeping a copy in another location, and possibly stashing others elsewhere.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I think we all have little secrets, but this is a pretty big deal.
I think I would tell him in person. I would not want to give him time to try and come up with excuses, lies, etc. I also would want him to know that I know. If you mailed it anonymously, don't you think he would realize it was you? Who else would have all that access?
Anyway, I think I would just present the facts tonight, tell him what you know, and ask him what he has to say. Is your LO with family tonight? That would be my only worry, is that the discussion would escalate, and I'm not sure I'd want my kid around for that.
Good luck - we're all here to listen and support you.
I'm so sorry. I would absolutely consider his actions a betrayal, even if there might not have been physical contact.
Frankly, I would wait until after you work trip to confront him - and I would do it in person. Take some more time to make sure you have copies and screen shots of everything, and to think about how you want to handle this. Do you want to divorce him? Go to therapy and work things out? I think you should have a good idea going into the conversation with him about what you want the outcome to be.
I would not "confront" him from afar. No no no no. You do not want to give him unfettered access to your house after he knows you know. I have seen way too many people return to changed locks. You sit down across from him when you get back into town and you quietly lay it all out. If he blows up then HE leaves.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. I think we all have little secrets, but this is a pretty big deal.
I think I would tell him in person. I would not want to give him time to try and come up with excuses, lies, etc. I also would want him to know that I know. If you mailed it anonymously, don't you think he would realize it was you? Who else would have all that access?
Anyway, I think I would just present the facts tonight, tell him what you know, and ask him what he has to say. Is your LO with family tonight? That would be my only worry, is that the discussion would escalate, and I'm not sure I'd want my kid around for that.
Good luck - we're all here to listen and support you.
LO is not with family tonight. I am dropping LO off with family on my way to my destination. That is a concern as well.
In fact, it may have to wait until I get home - the family that is keeping LO is his, not mine. If any of this was discussed before I leave, he could easily take LO from them and disappear (although we dont even have a copy of LOs birth certificate nevermind a passport).
I am lazy. I don't want a divorce. I don't want that much upheaval in my life. I can't afford to keep my house or any of my lifestyle without him. I want more children and not to have to start over with another person in order to get them. I want him to apologize, cease contact, get therapy and talk it out so he can slowly gain back my trust. Only if he can't follow through with that would I truly WANT to divorce.
I have a lawyer/firm I could contact that I/my family has worked with in the past about another matter. The only problem is my mother is friendly with the receptionist - they used to work together yearsssss ago. The last person I want to find out about this is my mom. She would literally get her hands on a gun and shoot him.
I am lazy. I don't want a divorce. I don't want that much upheaval in my life. I can't afford to keep my house or any of my lifestyle without him. I want more children and not to have to start over with another person in order to get them. I want him to apologize, cease contact, get therapy and talk it out so he can slowly gain back my trust. Only if he can't follow through with that would I truly WANT to divorce.
You don't need to make any decisions about what you are going to do now. It's best to understand what your rights are so that you are protected if he isn't willing to meet your expectations (which are completely reasonable).
I am lazy. I don't want a divorce. I don't want that much upheaval in my life. I can't afford to keep my house or any of my lifestyle without him. I want more children and not to have to start over with another person in order to get them. I want him to apologize, cease contact, get therapy and talk it out so he can slowly gain back my trust. Only if he can't follow through with that would I truly WANT to divorce.
I'm not going to touch this right now because everything is still very new but this makes me really sad.
What if he asks you for a divorce? You need to prepare for a lot of different scenarios.
I am lazy. I don't want a divorce. I don't want that much upheaval in my life. I can't afford to keep my house or any of my lifestyle without him. I want more children and not to have to start over with another person in order to get them. I want him to apologize, cease contact, get therapy and talk it out so he can slowly gain back my trust. Only if he can't follow through with that would I truly WANT to divorce.
I respect your choice here, but I find it telling that none of your reasons are that you love him. Does he have any redeeming qualities?
Personally, I would tell him before you leave. Talk it through, then give yourselves some space to think separately about how you want to move forward.
Is there a reason you're worried he'll take off with your LO? It would never cross my mind that this would be something my H might do, even if I caught him cheating or whatever.
That said I agree with getting a lawyer first before you confront him. I don't think you should do the whole I am going to tell your wife bit. Get a babysitter and go somewhere semi public.
You don't need to decide on a divorce now, but you need to protect yourself financially and know your options/first steps if he refuses to do those things.
Even if you don't want to see a lawyer, please start seeing a counselor.
This, and I would also put TTC more kids on the back burner until you are certain that he can be trusted and is willing to make the changes necessary to make your marriage work.
I know you want to stay married if you can, but obviously no amount of laziness or wanting more kids should be enough to keep you married to someone untrustworthy and willing to deceive you. If you have more kids, it will only be harder to leave if it turns out that you feel like you need to.
I am lazy. I don't want a divorce. I don't want that much upheaval in my life. I can't afford to keep my house or any of my lifestyle without him. I want more children and not to have to start over with another person in order to get them. I want him to apologize, cease contact, get therapy and talk it out so he can slowly gain back my trust. Only if he can't follow through with that would I truly WANT to divorce.
I respect your choice here, but I find it telling that none of your reasons are that you love him. Does he have any redeeming qualities?
Personally, I would tell him before you leave. Talk it through, then give yourselves some space to think separately about how you want to move forward.
Is there a reason you're worried he'll take off with your LO? It would never cross my mind that this would be something my H might do, even if I caught him cheating or whatever.
Yes, I do love him. I love him so much. He has many redeeming qualities - he is a good father, he is a good provider. I believed him to be a good husband. He is incredibly loyal to his friends even if he has to improve on loyalty to his wife. He is a hard worker and well-respected in his field.
I have to consider every possible scenario, and it would be the easiest to just disappear with our child if I am not physically present. It just is fact.
I'm so sorry, what a devastating thing to discover.
I agree with others I'd want to tell him face to face.
I hope this is "all" he did. I know it's not like it's nothing, it's appalling, but it sounds like you feel you could possibly come back from this and maybe that's what you want.