Do I have to go to this?

[caidan]

So my husband's brother died while we were dating in college. Every year we have gone to Mass on the anniversary of his death with his parents. (A few have been missed for various reasons) Tomorrow is the Mass. His mom justed emailed to us that she was doing this again. (She doesn't always do it on the exact date)

We just got home from vacation. My husband leaves for a business trip at 430 am and will not be there. So it would just be me and my 4 year old and 10 month old going. I am not religious and going to church to remember him does nothing for me. I really want to have an excuse to skip it. How bad would it be if I didn't go?

[curbsideprophet]

I think it is okay to skip it.

[Deleted]

I would not go.

[caidan]

Oct 4, 2015 19:16:14 GMT -5 gravytrain225 said:

I think it all depends on how his mom is with this date. In my family, I'd be going even if I didn't feel like it. If his mom is indifferent, I'd skip.

She wants everyone to go, but she skipped out on my mom's funeral because she was "tired" that day so.. 
I have gone to this 11 times out of 13 years. This is year 14.

[karinothing]

I mean is it local? Mass is an hour. So not to crazy. I would do what my husband wanted me to in this case. If he felt his mom would want the support I would go.

[karinothing]

Oct 4, 2015 19:27:41 GMT -5 caidan said:

Oct 4, 2015 19:16:14 GMT -5 gravytrain225 said:

I think it all depends on how his mom is with this date. In my family, I'd be going even if I didn't feel like it. If his mom is indifferent, I'd skip.

She wants everyone to go, but she skipped out on my mom's funeral because she was "tired" that day so.. 
I have gone to this 11 times out of 13 years. This is year 14.

Sometimes I think it is important to be the better person, even if she disappointed you in the past. I mean it is mass, it is not long.

[WOUNDTIGHT]

Oct 4, 2015 19:27:41 GMT -5 caidan said:

Oct 4, 2015 19:16:14 GMT -5 gravytrain225 said:

I think it all depends on how his mom is with this date. In my family, I'd be going even if I didn't feel like it. If his mom is indifferent, I'd skip.

She wants everyone to go, but she skipped out on my mom's funeral because she was "tired" that day so.. 
I have gone to this 11 times out of 13 years. This is year 14.

The fuck? She was "tired?"

Sounds like you should come down with a nasty case of tired-itis yourself, tomorrow.

[kershnic]

Oct 4, 2015 19:27:41 GMT -5 caidan said:

Oct 4, 2015 19:16:14 GMT -5 gravytrain225 said:

I think it all depends on how his mom is with this date. In my family, I'd be going even if I didn't feel like it. If his mom is indifferent, I'd skip.

She wants everyone to go, but she skipped out on my mom's funeral because she was "tired" that day so.. 
I have gone to this 11 times out of 13 years. This is year 14.

Uh, this follow up is huge. You can't make it. (I guess unless it's really important to your h that you go, then you go for him).

[h]

I would not go.

[caidan]

Oct 4, 2015 19:29:19 GMT -5 karinothing said:

I mean is it local? Mass is an hour. So not to crazy. I would do what my husband wanted me to in this case. If he felt his mom would want the support I would go.

Definitely local.  

[WOUNDTIGHT]

Oct 4, 2015 19:30:24 GMT -5 karinothing said:

Oct 4, 2015 19:27:41 GMT -5 caidan said:

She wants everyone to go, but she skipped out on my mom's funeral because she was "tired" that day so.. 
I have gone to this 11 times out of 13 years. This is year 14.

Sometimes I think it is important to be the better person, even if she disappointed you in the past. I mean it is mass, it is not long.

An hour Mass with a 4 year old and a 10 month old would be feel like approx. eleventeen hours long. Hard pass.

[lilac05]

In my situation, I wouldn't go. My MIL still treats me (& our kids, for that matter) as an add-on and not really a member of THEIR family...after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids. I wouldn't go out of my way to do that for her.

If my MIL was involved in our lives, helped us with childcare or other little things, & treated me like a member of the family, yes, I would suck it up and go.

[pinotgrig]

Based on your follow up, nope.

[vanillacourage]

Truthfully, if it's not a big enough deal that your DH would block off the date on his calendar (and not be traveling for work) then I don't think you have to go. I'd essentially follow his lead. 

[karinothing]

Oct 4, 2015 19:43:24 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Truthfully, if it's not a big enough deal that your DH would block off the date on his calendar (and not be traveling for work) then I don't think you have to go. I'd essentially follow his lead. 

She said he didn't know the date ahead of time

[6fsn]

I'd probably go. Monday Mass is likely to only be 45 mins.

[vanillacourage]

Oct 4, 2015 19:46:44 GMT -5 karinothing said:

Oct 4, 2015 19:43:24 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Truthfully, if it's not a big enough deal that your DH would block off the date on his calendar (and not be traveling for work) then I don't think you have to go. I'd essentially follow his lead. 

She said he didn't know the date ahead of time

Where?

And anyway, if it were a big deal to the DH I'd expect him to call his mom around that time every year and ask her when she was planning on the mass, so his family could plan on attending. 

ETA - if it were me I'd go, because I love my MIL and it being important to her would be enough. But not everyone has that relationship, which is fine. 

[karinothing]

Oct 4, 2015 19:49:57 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Oct 4, 2015 19:46:44 GMT -5 karinothing said:

She said he didn't know the date ahead of time

Where?

And anyway, if it were a big deal to the DH I'd expect him to call his mom around that time every year and ask her when she was planning on the mass, so his family could plan on attending. 

ETA - if it were me I'd go, because I love my MIL and it being important to her would be enough. But not everyone has that relationship, which is fine. 

She said in the OP that she just emailed them to let them know she was having the mass. But I do agree with your last point.

[undecidedowl]

If it's really important to your DH, I would go and sit in the cry room most of the time. Otherwise, nope.

[ilikedonuts]

So they are supposed to just drop everything because his mom last minute decided to tomorrow even though she doesn't always go on the same date? Um... no.

If she wanted people there maybe she should plan better.

And its an invite not a summons. if your husband cared that much, he could have asked his mom in advance what the date was and planned around it.

[caidan]

Oct 4, 2015 19:37:03 GMT -5 lilac05 said:

In my situation, I wouldn't go. My MIL still treats me (& our kids, for that matter) as an add-on and not really a member of THEIR family...after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids. I wouldn't go out of my way to do that for her.

If my MIL was involved in our lives, helped us with childcare or other little things, & treated me like a member of the family, yes, I would suck it up and go.

My MIL treats me the same way. And is not very involved at all.

[ECB]

If it were THAT important that everyone be there, then she woudln't tell you the night before. No, I wouldn't go.

And I'm sorry- she can't pull this 'everyone needs to go" 14 years into this when she can't even do the right thing and come ot your mothers FUNERAL. There is a point where "be the bigger person" doesn't work and this is it.

[Deleted]

I would go. It's the nice thing to do despite it all.

And my Catholic guilt and guilt of not doing it for the deceased/"remembering" would probably keep me up all night.

I know it's hard with kids. I know it sucks. I know you don't want to. But people do appreciate this stuff in the end down the line.

[lilac05]

Oct 4, 2015 20:31:47 GMT -5 luckydog said:

Oct 4, 2015 20:15:47 GMT -5 caidan said:

My MIL treats me the same way. And is not very involved at all.

Same. And the ILs have admitted that as a result, they don't expect me to attend. 

I would guess my ILs would be the same way.  The invitation would be for my H "& family" essentially.  If H isn't going, they wouldn't care if I wasn't there.  That's not me (or them) being nasty, it's just their family dynamics.  Like you wouldn't expect someone's +1 to attend the wedding if the named guest wasn't able to attend.

[caidan]

Oct 4, 2015 20:22:11 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

I would go. It's the nice thing to do despite it all.

And my Catholic guilt and guilt of not doing it forthe deceased/"remembering" would probably keep me up all night.

I know it's hard with kids. I know it sucks. I know you don't want to. But people do appreciate this stuff in the end down the line.

I feel like we do alot because we are obligated to do so for her.

I usually meet up with the girl he was dating at the time of death to talk about him and have a drink in his honor. This is a much better way to remember him for me then mass.

MIL gets annoyed when my kids act like kids, so it makes it hard to want to take them.

All this being said... i will probably end up going because i am a wuss and wont want to deal with her later about why i didnt go.

[lilac05]

Do you have a SAHM friend or someone who works in the evenings who could watch your kids for 1.5 hours? If so, I'd go alone (& enjoy a brief time when you're not responsible for the kids). Given your update about your MIL not dealing well with kids acting like kids, I'd opt out & call his former gf to get together sometime soon if no one is available to help.

[thebreakfastclub]

This is a classic thread where it takes numerous posts for OP to slowly reveal all of the sins of the MIL. By page 4 she will be running a puppy mill.

[teatimefor2]

I would go. It's tough, but is go. But I'm Catholic and believe in karma. I would be the bigger person and would represent my DH.

[caidan]

Oct 4, 2015 21:16:08 GMT -5 thebreakfastclub said:

This is a classic thread where it takes numerous posts for OP to slowly reveal all of the sins of the MIL. By page 4 she will be running a puppy mill.

haha... no running of a puppy mill. I promise.

[vanillacourage]

Oct 4, 2015 21:16:08 GMT -5 thebreakfastclub said:

This is a classic thread where it takes numerous posts for OP to slowly reveal all of the sins of the MIL. By page 4 she will be running a puppy mill.

This kid I know is dating a girl who saw caidan's MIL flip off a bus full of kindergarteners at 31 Flavors last night.