Do you ever look at your life and think?

[Deleted]

I have all I ever wanted but it isn't what I thought it would be? When I was a kid I pictured myself in my 30s living a gorgeous high rise apartment and running a PR firm. Okay "kid" is maybe teen. I have that and I still don't feel satisfied. Something seems missing but I don't know what. In ways I still feel like that teen and like I'm totally faking it all. I guess I'm grown up and don't know what I want to be. It was so clear and I made it and now it's just blah.

[Eureka1984]

Aww @pdx18 I totally understand. I have those thoughts from time to time.

To me, I feel like my thoughts are like, the lord has provided me wth so much but I feel like I haven't taken full advantage of it. (And no I'm not highly religious) but I do think about what I am doing and am I doing enough. I definitely feel like somethings are missing.

[Deleted]

Thanks eureka! Yea I'm just like now what? And why am I not as happy I should be?

[jigsy]

I would have finished your subject line with ...how the fuck you got here...

Because that is where I am at. I also didn't think this is what 30 looked like. At all. When I was young, I was sure I'd be working my way on to being Partner at a law firm...as I got older, I realized that I didn't want to be an attorney, and never really formed a clear career path to replace it, so maybe that was the start of it, but I can tell you it was not going to be an entry level assistant at an insurance brokerage firm.

But I think this is a very common theme in our generation. We kind of got the shaft when it comes to careers. Most of us left school during the recession, and have had a hard time moving up because of the boomers who refuse to or can't leave the workforce.

personal life wise...I obviously figured I'd be married since I planned on the first one sticking...but I feel less and less concerned about that now that I live in a metro area where most of my peers or only starting to think about that part of life...if it has crossed their minds at all. I did have a weird realization that my sisters both had a kid or two by the time they were my age (both are older), and that is weird to me because I can't even picture having that kind of responsibility in my life. Even though that isn't what I want right now, it still feels like I am lagging behind.

[brooke77]

I certainly examine my life from time to time. At 30, I certainly had thoughts more like jigsy. I was miserable in my marriage and my job. Now I'm 32 and I'm out of my marriage and in a different job. Although I can't say I have all I ever wanted, I can say I took action (although slow), and made positive changes. I'm at a really good place. I do NOT have everything and I am NOT where I thought I would be. And that's OK. In two or three more years, I hope I say that I'm happily married with a kid. My life is a constant work in progress and at one point in time there will always be good and always be bad. I'm just hoping that at any point in time, I can appreciate the good and not always live in the past/future and hoping for more.

[Serenity9]

I have the same feelings sometimes, but I think mine come from not understanding as a kid what life is really like. I thought when I was this old, I would understand and have a handle on most things in life. Adults always looked so confident, like they understood everything and knew what to do about everything. But really, the only thing I'm better at is pretending I know what I'm doing, LOL! And that's what everyone around me is doing, too. Sure I have a lot more knowledge than I did back then, but when a problem arises and I pick a solution, I don't KNOW for SURE that it's the best solution. I thought I would know.

Career-wise, as a kid, I thought I'd reach a certain point, and I'd be happy and settle in, and ride my career the rest of the way through, and just be happy. I could do that. But I don't want to. I'm just as restless now as I was then, and I would never be happy being stagnant. I still feel the need to drive myself forward, which causes me continuing stress and restlessness. I thought the restlessness would go away at some point. But it doesn't. But that's life. And I just didn't understand that when I was a kid and set expectations for myself that would never be met.

[pinkdutchtulips]

I do

Never thought I'd be starting over at 39 w a 4 yo. I have a job I love in the industry I always wanted to work in making a fairly decent living. The part i didn't bank on was that I'd literally have to do everything by myself.

Returning to the dating world has forced me to take stock of my life and realize I'm in this crazy no man's land - lots of guys in their mid to late 30's contact me which is fine but they also want kids (sorry guys but that shop is CLOSED) and there are the guys in their early to mid 40's who contact me and they're DONE raising kids, so the fact I've got a 6 yo (ft no less) is a turn off ... Gah !

[1confused1]

Oct 5, 2015 10:48:31 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

 And why am I not as happy I should be?

This is the question I ask myself all the time.  I have accepted that my life is what it is right now with work, my commute, my kids and their crazy schedules, etc., so why can't I shift my mind to just find some happiness in all of that?

[Deleted]

I have days like this too.

I've become more woo woo and new agey since moving away and having that community helps me not dwell on it so much.

I'm going to be 29 in 69 days and I'm a little (a lot) freaked out by it. Like OP I've achieved achieved most (if not all) that I thought I would, at this point.

Now though, I have to determine what I want for the next 10, 20, or 3o years. For so long it was go to school, work and gain experience, and then move up the ladder. I took a different path and have created my own future but what's next.

Where do I go from here? My solution....keep doing what makes me happy.

[jojoandleo]

Yup. I am an attorney, own a home, have amazing friends, and seem to have it all together, buuuuut, I still have no idea WTF I am doing. Or really what is missing in my life, but I feel a bit like something is.

[Deleted]

I think we were all raised to believe that we'll all do something really huge career-wise and love-wise, and realistically, that's just not how life is. Everyone isn't going to grow up to be president or CEO, and that's okay. I'm realizing that I was raised to keep striving and striving to "move up", but that's not how the world is for everyone. Tons of people work just to get by, with no prospects of moving up. We need to find some way to be happy within that reality.

I also read an interesting article recently (can't find it or I would link) that all this focus on "happiness" in our culture is fairly recent, and mostly promoted by ad agencies to make us buy stuff. If you think about it, would it really be the natural state for everyone to be blissful and happy all the time? Life is long, we all have to do boring daily stuff, and pressuring ourselves to feel ecstatic all the time just isn't realistic. (And makes us unhappy in the meantime.)

I guess long story short, I'm trying to accept where I am in life and stop chasing "happiness". Sometimes feeling ok is enough. We don't all have to do something amazing - we can just be the nicest we can to the people we encounter and accept that life is full of boring, mundane stuff with some moments of awesome happiness. I'm not saying it's easy to accept, but that's what I'm trying to do now.

[glynn]

I am at a happy place at 42 in the process of getting my 2nd divorce. Others can't make you happy you need to do that. I wanted to be a wife and mother. I suck at the 1st I guess but I think I have the last one.
I have reached a point where I can say right or wrong I did what I wanted and took responsibility for my actions. Even though I am starting out again and never though I would be here I am OK with it. I am going to live the years to come to the fullest. I was unhappy for a lot of years because I put everyone else 1st. I currently put my needs and wants in the to do list instead of just trying to please everyone else. I believe this makes me a better person.

[spedrunner]

all the time.

I feel like something is missing, although I am not sure WHAT that is

Yes at times i am lonely and want a bf/husband, etc, but for the most part I am happy being single and continuing to build my friendships and find myself, so I know that is not it. I do not want a relationship at the moment......well let me rephrase that. I do not want ANY relationship. I have my standards and I am not settling

I have always thoguth I wanted children, now that has passed. Kids annoy me. I am not sure if I do want them

My career is quickly loosing the passion I once had for it, being a teacher, I am just feeling overwhelmed and overworked and it isnt what it once was

So I feel your pain. I feel like I have some great things in my life. I live in a beautiful place, have a job, am building friendships, BUT something is just missing

Not at all where I pictured myself. I never thought I'd be divorced (twice) single and living by the beach in a place where I know NO ONE

Hang in there. I think this is all part of the plan for us

[katieido]

I think over the last few years i've lost a great deal, so i definitely have many moments where i think to myself "What happened?"
i think when i was younger i had a more naive image of what success looked like, how to maintain it, and how to measure it. I felt like i had it "made" before things kind of went to shit, but on the other hand i now have a more strategic plan for the future and i'm thinking more critically about what i want out of life now than i was then. I'm also in a transition period for my career path, i'm wrapping up my divorce, and i'm working hard to redefine "me."
as such, i am nowhere near feeling like i 'have it all' but i see myself as resilient and have grown as a person and hopefully will start to be able to rebuild my dream life.

thinking about this really stresses me out to be honest.

[Wanderista]

I do feel this way sometimes but I think it's an effect of having waded through a very difficult time in the economy. I am still grateful for all of the positive things in my life.

[Deleted]

You know, I guess I never had a great vision of what my life was going to be. If I could have guessed, I would not have assumed I'd be 33, divorced, and living in a tiny rental house in Iowa But I don't know what exactly I would have thought I'd be doing at 33. Probably living in a city making more money than I make, lol.

But I think not having expectations is sort of a good thing. My life may not follow a typical pattern but it's been interesting and mostly fun and I don't see any reason that will stop anytime soon. I don't have huge ambitions of what I want to achieve personally or professionally, I just want to be doing something I find interesting or meaningful for work and continue seeing the world and having fun. It's kind of nice not to have any major expectations of what will happen in my life. I think I've let go of a lot of things I thought I should do or should want and it's been pretty freeing.

I do sometimes find myself thinking about "my next job" or next career move or next place I'll live, and that's fun, but I'm trying not to worry as much about that stuff either. Life has proven pretty unpredictable so far and I'm trying to remember to be happy living in the moment and to plan for the future but to be flexible with those plans. They will probably change anyway.

[frontbutt]

I thought I would be living overseas and have three kids by now. I had wanted to start TTC when I was 28, but that ship sailed a while ago...

Slowly I am working towards rectifying my situation. I should be living overseas by next spring, and maybe I'll meet a fellow over there.

[Deleted]

@pdx18, yes! The part where you said you still feel like a teen and are faking it all really hit home.  
I think about the fact that I'm almost 34 (when the fuck did that happen???) and when I was younger I thought 30 somethings were true adults and had all their shit together. I guess the truth is, no one has experience being an adult so we're all just winging it (or something). When my mom was my age I was 4 years old. To me, the older generations just seemed "older" than us even at the same age--sounds weird, but maybe you guys can relate.  

I remember just assuming that I'd have the cookie cutter life by age 25--good career, married, kids.  I have a good career and that's where the similarity ends.  I never thought I'd have been married for less than a year and divorced at 30.  I still don't feel ready for kids and in reality, I'm not 100% sure it is going to happen.  I want a child (I think), but I can't picture it. 
I want to relocate so that we have an easier time financially.  I never, ever imagined wanting to leave NYC, but unfortunately the cost of living is so damn high.  I'll never be able to attain my goal of owning a home and seriously considering starting a family if I stay here.  It sounds ridiculous with my career and paycheck, but in NYC it's impossible. 
My mom always says "we make plans and God laughs" and I'm starting to understand.  We think we have a plan, we think we're in control and although we make choices, things don't always pan out the way we'd hoped. People die before their time, people get hurt, people get divorced, people have career issues...shit happens.

[winecat]

Oct 5, 2015 16:07:48 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

I feel like I did all the things I was told I was "supposed" to do and didn't get the shit I was promised, ie husband, family.

And now I'm here trying to find a way to be happy with the life I have and, if I can't make that happen, trying to figure out how to get a life I can be happy with when a lot of the time I really want to just say fuck it.

Right there with you.

[Deleted]

Oct 5, 2015 19:26:49 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

Oct 5, 2015 19:26:01 GMT -5 frontbutt said:

I thought I would be living overseas and have three kids by now. I had wanted to start TTC when I was 28, but that ship sailed a while ago...

Slowly I am working towards rectifying my situation. I should be living overseas by next spring, and maybe I'll meet a fellow over there.

Where are you going and how? I want to do a stint as an expat. 

My only experience is in the non-profit world, but I found my job abroad just by doing extensive googling. I also did some networking to talk to people in the non-profit field and get recommendations for strong organizations. I would just search their career sections to see what they had available. I'm not sure what industry you're in, but it worked out well for me and I have several friends who have done something similar to find their non-profit jobs abroad. I used charity navigator a lot. 

ETA: And not all nonprofit jobs are jobs like program manager where you need experience like an MPH. For example, the organization I used to work for last year hired a new marketing person and now they're recruiting for a salesforce person. Both positions are in Cape Town. So keep your eyes open, you never know what's out there until you start looking!

[redshoejune]

Oct 5, 2015 16:07:48 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

I feel like I did all the things I was told I was "supposed" to do and didn't get the shit I was promised, ie husband, family.

And now I'm here trying to find a way to be happy with the life I have and, if I can't make that happen, trying to figure out how to get a life I can be happy with when a lot of the time I really want to just say fuck it.

I feel that way too, and it's making it hard to start over. If I did everything I was supposed to do and it turned out like this, how am I supposed to know what the "right" thing to do is going forward?

[frontbutt]

Oct 5, 2015 19:26:49 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

Oct 5, 2015 19:26:01 GMT -5 frontbutt said:

I thought I would be living overseas and have three kids by now. I had wanted to start TTC when I was 28, but that ship sailed a while ago...

Slowly I am working towards rectifying my situation. I should be living overseas by next spring, and maybe I'll meet a fellow over there.

Where are you going and how? I want to do a stint as an expat. 

Romania. Originally, I did some work with the government, and I'm hoping to get a similar job there next spring. If not, I'll just take my savings and go for a year. It's really cheap for Americans. You could live comfortably for a year on $5,000.

[ETA] Before you scoff at Romania, google Brasov and Cluj. Seriously. It's so freaking beautiful over there, and most people speak English.

[achase123]

Totally! I never thought I'd be in my 30s and a single mom. I also was never super sure on my career path and had no idea id be in my current profession and so passionate about it and driven.

[frontbutt]

Oct 6, 2015 18:40:53 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

Oct 6, 2015 17:00:41 GMT -5 frontbutt said:

Romania. Originally, I did some work with the government, and I'm hoping to get a similar job there next spring. If not, I'll just take my savings and go for a year. It's really cheap for Americans. You could live comfortably for a year on $5,000.

[ETA] Before you scoff at Romania, google Brasov and Cluj. Seriously. It's so freaking beautiful over there, and most people speak English.

No scoffing here, my summer fling kinda sorta fall/winter fling is a Romanian Frenchman.

Romanian and French? That seems like the ultimate Latin lover

[whatnext]

I definitely experience that but also think of all the things I dreamed of that I have now. My job sucks, I have limited social network BUT I have traveled, I have a great apartment, I can eat at some great places, I'm independent and while I hate my job I have a job. There's things I've done I would have never dreamed I could actually achieve so I can bury the other part a bit better

[starburst604]

@pdx18 - off topic but, are you still dating that guy you liked?

I'm not sure I ever really had a serious "vision" of my life, and I didn't know what I wanted to be where I grew up or where I'd live, so I'm not all that disappointed in anything. I consider myself a bit of a late bloomer in terms of figuring out what I wanted out of life. When I was getting into my late 30's and not married, I did think that I thought I'd be married and have kids sooner than that but I think that everything worked out for the best in the end.

[Deleted]

starburst604 yep! I'm just no longer talking about it on the board.

[starburst604]

Oct 8, 2015 15:43:25 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

starburst604 yep! I'm just no longer talking about it on the board.

Gotcha. Well I'm happy for you!

[Deleted]

Oct 8, 2015 15:44:25 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Oct 8, 2015 15:43:25 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

starburst604 yep! I'm just no longer talking about it on the board.

Gotcha. Well I'm happy for you!

Thanks! It's pretty exciting!

[calle28]

I know you don't want to talk about it on the board, but I'm excited for you @pdx18!