Dealing with Defiance

[carolinagirl831]

Reading this thread makes me realize I need to step up my game. EVERYTHING is a fight with DD and she is difficult about everything..
I think she would really benefit from a sticker chart, I just didn't realize she might be ready for it.
I need to be so much stricter too. I think sometimes we give in too much just so we can go out the door.

[Deleted]

Oct 5, 2015 11:33:09 GMT -5 carolinagirl831 said:

Reading this thread makes me realize I need to step up my game. EVERYTHING is a fight with DD and she is difficult about everything..
I think she would really benefit from a sticker chart, I just didn't realize she might be ready for it.
I need to be so much stricter too. I think sometimes we give in too much just so we can go out the door.

It's a balancing act between "stepping up your game" and being strict and not getting caught up in WINNING and making everyone's life miserable. Don't start fights where there don't need to be fights. Don't lose fights you start. 

[olivesyou]

Honestly what has helped (and it may not even be related, I've just noticed an improvement in overall attitude) is cutting out screen time. LittleOlive would get addicted to those surprise eggs videos on youtube. He knew how to navigate to youtube on our phones and somehow get the videos. When my son was born, I let him go on the phone because I was busy with a newborn and the phone was honestly a good babysitter while I tried to figure out breastfeeding, rock the baby, cry, etc. But he ended up getting soooo demanding, not just about the phone, about everything. One day we just cut it off. Told him no more phone, new rule is phones are for mom and dads only. We also cut down his TV time to just a half hour in the morning while eating breakfast and a half hour at night while drinking his milk. IT was met with lots the standard tantrum for a few days, but once he realized we weren't going to budge he gave up trying. He is more pleasant to be around, and he actually plays in his play independently or with us. I'm not sure what your current policy on screen time is, but maybe look into cutting it back.

And, its not like he is 100% better, 100% of the time. We still have our struggles over what to eat, what outfit to wear, going/not going to the potty etc. I have just noticed he isn't as demanding and mean anymore lol

[Deleted]

Oct 5, 2015 11:57:25 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

Oct 5, 2015 11:33:09 GMT -5 carolinagirl831 said:

Reading this thread makes me realize I need to step up my game. EVERYTHING is a fight with DD and she is difficult about everything..
I think she would really benefit from a sticker chart, I just didn't realize she might be ready for it.
I need to be so much stricter too. I think sometimes we give in too much just so we can go out the door.

It's a balancing act between "stepping up your game" and being strict and not getting caught up in WINNING and making everyone's life miserable. Don't start fights where there don't need to be fights. Don't lose fights you start. 

This too. I actually think it was @tokenhoser who once said "What is your endgame exactly? Be clear about that for sure, how you get there doesn't always matter." 

I really try to subscribe to that and it helps. I want my kid to eat breakfast, so they ate the egg but not the blueberries? Is it worth the fight? Nah. She ate breakfast. Am I willing to wage a war over whether coat, hat or shoes goes on first? What's my end game? Out the door on time? Then put one of the three on first.  t's oversimplified here for example's sake but the more you practice the easier life is all around with little kids. 

[Deleted]

Oct 5, 2015 12:12:25 GMT -5 olivesyou said:

Honestly what has helped (and it may not even be related, I've just noticed an improvement in overall attitude) is cutting out screen time. LittleOlive would get addicted to those surprise eggs videos on youtube. He knew how to navigate to youtube on our phones and somehow get the videos. When my son was born, I let him go on the phone because I was busy with a newborn and the phone was honestly a good babysitter while I tried to figure out breastfeeding, rock the baby, cry, etc. But he ended up getting soooo demanding, not just about the phone, about everything. One day we just cut it off. Told him no more phone, new rule is phones are for mom and dads only. We also cut down his TV time to just a half hour in the morning while eating breakfast and a half hour at night while drinking his milk. IT was met with lots the standard tantrum for a few days, but once he realized we weren't going to budge he gave up trying. He is more pleasant to be around, and he actually plays in his play independently or with us. I'm not sure what your current policy on screen time is, but maybe look into cutting it back.

And, its not like he is 100% better, 100% of the time. We still have our struggles over what to eat, what outfit to wear, going/not going to the potty etc. I have just noticed he isn't as demanding and mean anymore lol

I would agree with this too. Not necessarily about the screen time alone but my kids get really defiant when they're "bored with life" and aren't getting enough constructive attention/staying active. 

In the summer where run outside 13 hours a day they're so much better behaved naturally. Ask me out their behavior on the third blizzard day on a random day in January.  

[redpenmama]

3 sucks. I mean, I had a lot of fun with my 3-year-old, but OMG the fights. And defiance. And NOs. Neverending.

Honestly, nothing worked long term for us. The only thing I tried that did seem to abate the morning/evening battles over getting dressed, etc. was a "to-do" list in her room. It had a picture/description of every task (brush teeth, brush hair, go potty, get dressed, turn or make bed, etc.), and she still goes over to it to make sure we did everything.

Hang in there. We are a few months into 4, and it is MUCH better. I can reason with her, and her tantrums are all but gone.

[Deleted]

Wait, they still cry constantly at 3? I thought this was a phase.

::cries::

[niq]

I just think of toddlers as really mediocre Jedi. It doesn't fix anything but it helps my mood.

[Deleted]

Oct 5, 2015 12:37:51 GMT -5 @notquiteblushing said:

Wait, they still cry constantly at 3? I thought this was a phase.

::cries::

Not only do they still cry constantly, they upgrade to yelling words sometimes. Not nice words. 

[Deleted]

Oct 5, 2015 10:05:29 GMT -5 sxia said:

Oct 5, 2015 9:16:51 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

Huh? What? 

How old is your godson? 

I'm a pretty strict parent compared to a lot of MMM (I'm not all free choice/have options/let's talk this out lovingly every minute of the day) but even my own kids do this. 

Every kid does this and it has nothing to do with parenting style. 

Esp. at 3ish and younger. They don't know what the hell they're saying half the time and trying to test the limits the rest. it's a learning process for everyone. 

And sometimes I just don't care. If all my kid wants to eat is raisins? Are we all quiet? Nobody whining? Having an epic meltdown? Am I eating lunch in peace? Will we make it up at another meal? Have it? 

Being a strict parent does not equal fighting every battle. And sometimes I make those statements as more of a suggestion than a must do. If I put the idea in their head they should try some green beans instead of raisins and not force it, a lot of the time they will. If I force it, they won't and nobody wins.

Maybe I've forgotten what it's like to have younger ones, but the "I'm going to smile at you and say 'no' to everything you say" does not make me happy. And I know they eat enough, etc, but I know *she* is having issues with them saying no to everything she does. Yeah, there's plenty that's no big deal -- just wearing a pull-up, raisins for lunch, etc, etc. But I know they don't say no to grandparents or to teachers all the time. It's frustrating for me, and I'm only around them an hour or so a week. I can't imagine how she feels hearing "no" all the time. I still get it plenty from my 6 year old. We're working on speaking respectfully and not having tantrums.

I think you have probably forgotten.

This is not a behavior you can necessarily control or stop, at least not with any method that I would consider respectful and appropriate. And a restaurant with a friend is a very different environment from being at home alone. Your friend may have other tactics she uses when her son is saying no just to rile her up, but maybe she didn't want to risk an escalation in a public place when she was trying to enjoy lunch with her friend.

I tried to resist but I just have to add the  ^o)

[chickens987]

Oct 5, 2015 12:48:30 GMT -5 @mrsbecky said:

oh and also, kind of like a dog, lol, but I praise DS excessively when he is good. He put his clothes in the laundry hamper? that's awesome, he's such a helper, I really appreciate it, and I tell H when he gets home how awesome and how much of a helper DS was. Sometimes I feel silly when I'm going on and on about something kind of little, but I really think it helps DS because he likes hearing me praise him lol so he wants to do things that result in that.

The flip side is that I don't want him to think he's going to get a trophy because he puts his clothes away when he's 15, but I figure we have time to adjust.

I do think I need to be better about this.

Honestly, today was crazy. She usually resists getting out of her crib in the mornings, so I chill in her glider until she wants out. This morning she asked for up right away, gave me a huge cuddle, and walked right over to pick out her clothes. Then when I asked her to take her jammies off, it was an instant meltdown and just went downhill from there. Like a switch flipped. 

[Deleted]

You have already gotten a lot of good advice.

I think you're right to question the "no is not a nice word" approach. I would stop saying that. Learning how to say a firm no is a really important life skill, especially for girls and women whom our culture expects to be more compliant and people-pleasing. It might not seem like it right now, but her "no"s at this age are an important exercise in autonomy and independence. Now that doesn't mean she gets away with saying no to everything all the time and you just bend to her will, but it's important to acknowledge and respect her opinions within reason.

My rule of thumb is to establish the MUSTS and give my children control over everything else. So they MUST get dressed but what they wear is up to them. Unless the temperature outside is dangerously cold, weather appropriate clothing is not a must. Just clothing is. I am known to suggest to my kids that their clothing choice is inappropriate because of the weather and they might do better choosing long sleeves or shorts or whatever, but if they insist on wearing something inappropriate, that's not a battle I pick. If we are going to be out of the house for a while I will bring a jacket or other weather appropriate clothing with us. Then, when they run to me feeling too cold, I can explain that I suggested wearing long sleeves this morning, but you said no. But here, I brought your jacket, and next time let's remember how cold you felt and wear the clothing I suggest. Again I only do this where there is no real risk of harm to them from wearing inappropriate clothing, but I find that reality is a much more efficient teacher than I am. They don't want to do something just because I told them to, but when they experience the consequences of their choices they are more likely to remember and make a different choice the next time. 

Generally I find that things go easier if I give my kids as much freedom as possible within the context of getting stuff done that needs to get done and keeping them out of harm's way. 

[chickens987]

I am happy to report that this morning went much more smoothly. I injected a little silliness (per @savestheday) - when she refused to get out of her crib I tickled her until she was laughing and then was able to get her out. It's effing cold here this morning, but she refused leggings again, so I just took them with us to school and put them in her cubby. Her teachers can deal with it and she was fine for the 2 minutes we were outside.

But every day is different when they're three...

[Deleted]

My two year old acted like we were killing her as we (yes, it took two adults) changed her diaper this morning. She's going to daycare in pjs with some clothes packed. I was saying to our dayhome lady that getting dressed was awful in the morning, and that was her solution.

Every day is different. My kids were up too late (despite me trying to get them to sleep at the usual time) and they were both bears this morning.