Like a couple other posters, I never really wanted children. Now I'm getting divorced and I realized I didn't want them with my ex. I 100% want to meet the right man and have a family. It makes me really sad to think this might not happen for me.
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Oct 5, 2015 11:56:37 GMT -5
I always wanted kids, xh was convinced by someone to do it since that was the ONE thing I truly wanted. 7 months after we married we started ttc and a year later was of w dd.
I stopped at 1 vs the 2 I wanted. When DD was about 9 months old I realized that I would lose my damn mind if I had to deal w working FT, taking care of the house FT, and taking care of a toddler AND newborn while h just sat there complaining about his back and not doing anything to help.
Like a couple other posters, I never really wanted children. Now I'm getting divorced and I realized I didn't want them with my ex. I 100% want to meet the right man and have a family. It makes me really sad to think this might not happen for me.
I had 1 w my ex and nixed the idea of anymore despite the fact that I wanted more. Add me to the camp of 'wanted them, just didn't want them w him'.
I desperately wanted kids for emotional / hormonal reasons. Logically I was like ehhhhhhh. Haha. H and I sat down after we married and figured out some things we wanted to do before having kids - major traveling, retirement savings, job goals (H was working shifts and wanted to try to get a 9-5 office job), etc. We got everything accomplished before we started trying and I'm glad we were able to do those things.
I think we would have had a kick ass life without kids - certainly we would have had more money and more energy. Damn hormones.
Post by mrsukyankee on Oct 5, 2015 12:23:07 GMT -5
I didn't care too much, but DH really wanted kids, so we tried (I figured I'd like having kids if I was with someone who wanted them and who I loved). We didn't marry until my late 30s and IVF didn't work for us. We're now both very content w/o kids and see a life in front of us that will be happy with our fur babies.
Post by explorer2001 on Oct 5, 2015 12:24:25 GMT -5
I've basically always thought I wanted kids. Boyfriend wants at least one and agrees with me that when we're ready it will be have one see how things go, then decide if we want more. I always used to say 2 kids, but after everything I've learned here, from my friends having kids and my cousins having kids, I am at 1-3 we'll see how life goes. 1 and done if pregnancy nearly kills me. 3 if we have twins on the second go round, since twins run in my family. Possibly two singletons, or just being done if its twins the first time, and see where life goes.
Anything more than three seems crazy for me, between needing a bigger house, bigger cars, more college tuition, more everything. Plus I'm already 32 so there will be some fertility, timing and career issues to consider. If I want any gap (2+ years) between kids, fertility might make 3 not an option, or even 2 for that matter since even if we stick to our fastest plan we won't be seriously thinking about trying for a few years yet. Plus the possibility of needing some kind of fertility treatment (because until you try who knows and some of my cousins needed help). Oye! So much to think about!
No kids here, and probably never will be. I think I've said a lot of different things about this over the years, but I think what it comes down to at this point is that I'm 33 and still don't feel any desire. I am not big on closing doors forever, so I'm not sure I'd have surgery at this point or have my partner have surgery - but we probably could and be fine. I am not interested in parenting. I feel no envy when my friends or coworkers talk about how they spend their time parenting. I don't feel like anything is missing. I love having my evenings and weekends to spend doing what I want to do. I love traveling and know I don't have the money or potential income to do daycare AND everything else I want to do.
I figure having kids is something you should do if you really want to, but it's a heck of a lot of responsibility, work, and expense for something I feel pretty "meh" about. I have little doubt that if I had a kid I could be happy too, but since I'm happy without one I don't see any reason to change that.
Also truthfully, I'm kind of lazy and so is BF. We have a hard enough time finding motivation to put together dinner every night and vacuum the house a couple of times a month. The idea of balancing work with parenting sounds like too much. I do think having an older family (like adult kids) sounds nice but all the work to get to that point doesn't seem like the right fit for us.
However, now that I have kids I'm pretty sure I could have been equally happy w/out them. I mean, I love my kids fiercely. It's just like I don't think there's one soulmate for a person. There's multiple paths to happiness.
I've always wanted kids. But exH and I didn't have any (we'd planned to start trying but everything fell apart first). I just turned 38, am single, don't intend to do it on my own, and am going to start seeing a counselor to help come to terms that it may never happen for me, which is something I keep trying to ignore as it brings me to tears otherwise.
Neither of us have really had a desire so it doesn't really come up. We got married young and said we'd discuss again at age 30. Age 30 came and went and we were having fun without kids and have intense careers so we put it off to age 35. Age 35 is quickly approaching and we have no desire so far.
Hugs to all of you! I remember feeling exactly that way with my exH. I was working full time, doing all the house work, etc. while he lost a government job (for cause) and then failed out of community college when I paid for him to go back to school. I remember having a fight with him were he said we should start TTC and I said not until you start acting like an adult capable of coparenting. I am not going to be raising a toddler and taking care if everything around here including you without any help.
That was in my mid 20s. Dating, etc was hard for years. I'm so lucky I found a great guy who really has the potential to be a great partner and parent. magdala her post gives me even more hope. That said I didn't necessarily believe I would get this chance so don't give up hope just because you are divorced and in your 30s. Great things are still out there for you (single, married, parent, or not). Hugs.
We had kids when it made sense. I did have some feelings, but not nearly enough compared to most people. We did it anyway when it made sense to our life situation. It's a long-game thing for us - we knew we wanted kids, and we decided we'd rather do it in our late 20's than later. Plus the lucky enough to marry young bit.
I pretty much always knew I wanted kids. I mean, my uterus didn't ache for them, but I wanted them. H was the same way.
As far as timing...we got married in our early 30s, were financially stable, and saw no reason to wait. Was it the "best" time to have kids? Probably not, but it wasn't a "bad" time either.
If you have any doubt at all, then can you use a different form of BC besides vasectomy? I know hormonal BC is a huge PITA for a lot of people. I really liked my Mirena after having my son. I'm sure you've looked into options, just throwing this out there.
If you don't think you want kids, that's TOTALLY okay. There is nothing "wrong" with not wanting kids or with liking your life the way it is.
I always wanted them in the abstract but it was hard to pull the trigger.
My son is not quite a year old so it's probably too early to really evaluate, but so far it's been about twice as hard as I imagined and twice as awesome. I wouldn't try to talk someone off the fence, though, because it really is a different life path and it could really suck to do it reluctantly.
I'm newly on the fence. When we were mid 20s, we definitely wanted to. Then life happened and we loved traveling and generally living life. Now I'm thinking what if I'm missing out on something?
I've always seen myself with kids, as has my H. we talk about it as part of our future as if it's a given. I don't know why it is that way - it just is.
I always wanted kids. Wife and mother is what I wanted to be when I grew up. I suck at being a wife I guess but I love my kids. I have 2 that are adults with 1st XH. I would have had more but I did not want to have more with him so he got a V. Remarried and H could not have kids but wanted them. DD2 kinda fell into our lap so we adopted her. Going to mediation in 2 days to resolve this marriage. I never wanted to be a single mom but I have done it before so I guess I can do it again.
I never knew that I wanted kids until fairly recently. I think we could have been entirely happy without kids. I love kids, but I have zero baby fever or whatever. My H and I had a lot of fun together as a couple, both before and after marriage. We've traveled all over the world, had a ton of adventures and just basically enjoyed being young and free for years (I met my H when I was 26, he was 31, we had our daughter when I was 32 and he was 37). After I turned 30 and H turned 35, respectively, we started talking seriously about kids. For me, I started to feel like having kids would be a great next adventure. I'm thrilled to think of the future when we will get to have more adventures together as a family and share our love of travel and the world with her. My daughter is only 2 now, but we've traveled with her a bunch (and enjoyed it, which I know is not the case for everyone!), taken her out hiking often and have a really good, reliable army of babysitters who help us get out on our own enough to still have some grownups only fun. The baby stages were rough, but things get easier and easier every day. It's a long-game picture for us too.
As someone who is 8 weeks pregnant, I will tell you that I strongly dislike being pregnant. I want a fucking endless margarita and chips and salsa and no heartburn.
Do no underestimate the sacrifice that is giving up alcohol for 40+ weeks.
This was a talk H and I had before we got engaged. Kids to us was a huge deal breaker in a relationship (if one wanted to have a child and the other didn't). So we always knew we wanted children, it was just the when part we weren't sure of. WHen I pictured my life it always had children in it.
Then infertility hit and we had to approach the situation from an entirely different position. If we wanted children were we open to the idea of adoption? Thankfully we both agreed we weren't (the thankful part that both of us were on the same page). We got lucky and our wish for a child came true but we may have had to go the other route.
But the initial discussion of kids or not we discussed again before we were engaged.
In your case if you are in any way unsure I would really try to rationalize why that is. I get you may not be on the fence, but your H asking makes me wonder if he's second guessing or if you both may be in some way? It would really bite to make such a big change being on the fence. We were 'sure' we were one and done but I was always on the fence. We agreed that no drastic measures would be taken until we were for sure in what we wanted. I would also perhaps look at what could happen and the type of journey you could face if you ended up getting a reversal due to changing your minds.
Humor me, before H schedules his V. I'm pretty darn confident I don't want them but then H was all 'if you want to discuss it again now is the time" and my uterus is all "but waiiiiitttt...." and my head is all "run awayyyyy." How's that for deep Monday morning thoughts? lol
FWIW, I had these same feelings right before H had his V, and I already had 2 kids at home. I KNEW I didn't want any more, but something about the permanency of it all made me second guess for a quick second.
I even shed a random tear in the waiting room while he was getting it done. The receptonist was all "trust me honey, you're not the only woman who's cried even though they totally are done." lol You are not alone in your feelings.
The main reason is that I just have never felt any sort of emotional desire to have them. I don't dislike like children but I don't get soft and gushy when I see a baby. There are really disgusting things about kids that I don't want to deal with. There are other reasons too of course: the world is overpopulated as it is and if it ever comes to a point of lack of resources I don't want to have children I have to worry about fending for, I enjoy our lifestyle as is and we wouldn't even be able to maintain it a little with children, I really worry about what the world is coming to, etc...
But mostly, I have never had a desire to be a parent. Not even when I was a kid, I would get mad when someone would say things like 'when you grow up and have kids'. It's just not in my DNA.
Post by alleinesein on Oct 5, 2015 15:43:48 GMT -5
I've gone 39.5 years without ever having to change a diaper; I have no intentions of breaking that streak! I have no desire to be pregnant, give birth or be a mother. My family also has a history of PPD and PPP in every single female on my mom's side in the past 100 years. Babies do not excite me at all and for the love of all things holy do not ask me to hold one. They creep me out.
Funny, this is on my mind ALL THE TIME lately (as some of you remember the thread of "being on the fence about kids") That thread really helped me look at the WHY I wanted/didn't want kids as I was 60/40 to yes kids and H was more like 25/75. We've talked extensively and the more I think about it, the more I DO want kids over the reasons why I don't. Even if it's something like "hey, I want kids when I'm older", it's still enough of a reason for me. I think H would be the most wonderful father, we're great partners (and prepared to hate each other during that first year, lol) and I love kids. Last night I had a photo session with a family that had 2 small kids (I'm a photographer) and I even said to myself "Dammit, I'm good with kids!"
The biggest turn of events was the other week when we got into a small fight. He actually, out of the blue, said "hey. I know you want a child and you know what? I'll get on board. We'll figure it out just like everything else." That meant the world and I cried, lol. So, we're now starting to refer to the fact that we will in fact try, probably starting next spring/summer. I honestly can't wait much longer than that as I'll be 35 next year and not getting any younger! (and I know, it's totes possible to conceive after 35, but I don't have forever to wait around until life is perfect) If life takes us in the direction that we can't naturally conceive, then that's OK. And while I always saw myself with multiple children, if life is lucky enough to give me one, I'll take it.
I was completely on the fence about having a kid but leaning towards yes. H was firmly on the side of having one. Ultimately I decided to go for it because I wanted to give him a child.
As cheesy as it sounds, it's the best thing I've ever done and I wish we'd done it earlier to make a 2nd more feasible. As it stands, I'm very happy with our little family of three.
Post by dr.girlfriend on Oct 5, 2015 18:09:48 GMT -5
This is probably the weirdest reason, but when I was an undergrad one of my areas of research was regret, and one of the biggest regrets of elderly people is not having kids. In general, people regret what they don't do, not what they do. If I had been on the fence, I think that would have pushed me over. But I had always known I wanted kids -- loved working with them, and am in pediatrics now. I did think I would have two, but settled on one and am happy with that decision. And honestly, it's an experience like no other. There can be other kinds of joy in your life, but the joy of your child is a special one.
I met DH and I wanted 'his' babies. I knew in the abstract I wanted eventually kids (because I liked the idea of adult/older kids) but had no serious thoughts/desires at all before him. I also never was in love & nor wanted to have sex really before him. Lol. I didn't meet him until I was almost 25. I'm still not a baby/little kid person--I really only want to be around my 4 kids.
We got married knowing we both wanted at least one. Adoption or the old fashioned way is TBD. But it took me much longer than the average bear to want kids.
Part of this is emotional and partially practical. I can just tell that I can handle all the chaos that comes w/ it.
Not the same, but when our dog ate a bag of chocolate cookies and just blew all over our kitchen. I thought, " if I can clean this up and not get squeamish, surely I can handle baby poo " that was a revelation. Sad, but true
I've never had a dog, but my friends with puppies? Totally like having a baby. Cleaning up messes, etc.
The major difference is that human babies eventually learn to wipe their own butts. Lol.
I always wanted to be a mom. Then I didn't for awhile. And then I really, really did, but it took awhile to happen.
I have had two thoughts since having kid: 1. I had no idea it would be this awesome. I am astounded by how much I love him. 2. Holy shit, this is a LOT of work.
I feel like I am at work or feeding a baby or changing a baby or singing to a baby or helping a baby sit up or washing bottles or packing a diaper bag or....
I am obsessed with this kid so I love most of it. But parenthood is no joke so I would definitely want to make sure this is what I wanted before I signed up for this gig!
I have never had a yearning for children. When I think of kids, I think of inconveniences: the expense of daycare, how I would have to cut back on my carrer, less sleep, less travel, etc. I kind of take these reactions that maybe I just shouldn't have kids. LOL. Sometimes I feel bad because I know my parents are dying for grandkids and who knows, I may grow up and have regrets. But I feel I can't make decisions about my life based on a possibility of having regrets.