Visitation schedule- what does yours look like?

[sweetchix]

Of course, per my previous post this may all be void if we go with the shared custody. But if not, this is what we have mentioned regarding visitation schedules.

My proposed visitation schedule, with me having residency, was:

Monday: I get them to school/daycare and he gets them from after school until 7:30pm
Tuesday: I get them to school/daycare and have them all night
Wednesday: I get them to school/daycare and he gets them from after school until 7:30pm or overnight
Thursday: I get them to school/daycare and have them all night (or he does if they spent the night)
Friday: I get them to school and we alternate who picks them up after school
Saturday: Alternate
Sunday: Alternate; however, on his weekends he gets them back to me at 7:30pm

I tried to be as equal as I can. I want them to see him as much as possible.

He wants to do, with him having residency:

Monday: he gets them to school and has them all night
Tuesday: he gets them to school and has them all night
Wednesday: he gets them to school, picks them up from school and brings them to me at work, and I take them home and have them overnight
Thursday: I take them to my work where he meets me and takes DD1 to school, then he picks them up from school and brings them to me at work, and I take them hom and have them overnight
Friday: I take them to my work where he meets me, and takes DD1 to school, then he picks them and either brings them to me at work for my weekends or takes them back to his place for his weekend
Saturday: Alternate
Sunday: Alternate (not sure how Sunday night would work)

I think his proposal has a lot of switching back and forth and seems like it would be a hard adjustment on the girls, especially in the beginning when it's all new to them. I think it might make the transitions from parent to parent more difficult than it needs to be.

Thoughts?

[doriswe]

I can't really wrap my head around back and forth every.single.day. How in the world will your kids ever feel like they know where they're supposed to be at?? Also, why can't you pick DD1 from school (or an afterschool program/day care)? I actually think his proposed schedule is better than the every day schedule you're proposing.

I dated a guy who did the 2-2-3 schedule and it really worked well for him and his XW. So one week he had his DD M/T XW had W/TH then he got her F/S/Su, then the next week XW got M/T, he had W/TH, she had F/S/Su. It allowed them both time to see their DD during the week and a full weekend with them (no back and forth on the weekends).

I can't remember if you've worked with a mediator, but I would suggest finding one and seeing what works well for other people.

[sweetchix]

Yes, we saw a mediator twice. It didn't seem to really help as we're both on different pages with the schedule.

I based my suggestion off of what I've heard many parents say that they have: non-residential parent has the kids every Wednesdy night (either until bedtime or overnight) and then eo weekend. I added Monday night in because that didn't seem like enough time for them to see him.

I don't like his schedule for several reasons:

1. As stated above, I think there's too much switching around. Him picking the girls up and bringing them to me was his idea because I work until 5 and it would save me time as I wouldn't have to pick them both up and then head home for dinner. Nice idea, but the going from mommy to daddy to school/daycare in the morning and from school/daycare to daddy to mommy just seems a bit much for the girls to handle.

2. There would be time when the girls won't see either of us for 4-5 days in a row. An occasional 4-5 days would be ok, but I think it would work out to be every other week (I'd have to recheck that).

3. I'd have to be dependant on him getting to my work on time in the morning to get the girls so I can start on time. This would be tough in times of heavy traffic, bad weather, sleeping through the alarm, and him being sick.

He didn't seem to mind mine; however, he wanted to switch it so that he's the residential parent. We just can't seem to agree on anything! It's so frustrating!

[heyney]

Seems like too much back and forth - its making my head spin.

Could you do 7 days at a time? It'll be better for the kids with less shuffling around from home to home.

[roselis]

Currently, I drop DS off with XH/XH's parents at 7am Thusdays.
XH will drop him back off with me by 1 pm on Sunday.
We each have half a week and nce their is no alternating, there is no question where DS should be.
We have shared custody, and no residential custody, except when it comes to medical, schooling, and other assisstance. Then we are to use my address. I made sure to get that spelled out in the parenting plan.

And if you guys can get along, being flexible helps. There was a week where XH asked if I could keep DS on Thursday because his parents were moving and couldn't watch him, and then I had him again that Saturday for the same reason. And when I thought I had a weeklong trip for work, XH had no issues keeping DS for the week and we even made plans for me to video chat so I could still see DS.

[margaritagirl]

Both of those options seem very confusing to me - kids need predictability. I don't know the ages of your girls, but that might make me change my opinion.

I have one DD, age 6. Her schedule during the school year is EOW (Friday at 5 til Sunday at 7) with her dad and every Wednesday overnight (after school and he gets her to school in the morning). It's Ok - I didn't love the Wed. overnight during a schoolweek, but gave in. I'm very huge about consistency during school. As a teacher, I see the negatives when schedules are confusing and wonky.

During the summer, he gets EOW, but it includes Sunday evening, and every TUesday and Wednesday overnight. I didn't mind giving him more time in the summer, as we're both out of school.

[naeljun]

Just reading that confused the shit out of me. Never mind the kids. I am not a fan of 50/50 custody. Divorce can be really tough on children and I feel they need stability and to not feel like a ball bouncing back and forth because of egos.

what is STBX reason for wanting placement? In my experience this hardly ever happens unless the mother is unfit or willingly allows it.

DD was 3 when we separated and we have the EOW arrangement and every Th with her dad. He also has the option to keep her overnight on Sundays if he chooses. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't or I say no because of something going on at school. He gets 2 wks vacation a year and certain holidays. Over the past couple of years we have both gotten much more flexible and he will take her for me on my weekend if I have something to do and vice versa. Works out so much better that way. But there would be no way in hell I would ever do an every other day or even every other week with him. That's way too much for DD.

[sparkles17]

I'm too lazy to read replies, so here is my schedule:

I have full physical custody and joint legal custody. We have a 2 week "schedule"

Week 1: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday with Mom -- Wednesday and Thursday with Dad -- Friday and Saturday with Mom

Week 2: Sunday, Monday, Tuesday with Mom -- Wednesday with Dad -- Thursday with Mom -- Friday and Saturday with Dad

All of these exchanges happen at 4pm, so if he has them Wednesday, he gets them that day at 4pm and then back to me at 4pm the following day, does that make sense?

We also have Christmas split every other, I have every Thanksgiving and he has every Easter and we alternate birthdays. He has them Father's Day, I have them Mother's Day and any other "holiday" just falls in line with the regular custody agreement.

This has been our schedule for the last 2 years while we lived approximately 1 mile away from each other. I am moving next month about 20 miles away, so we'll see if this schedule "sticks".

[blackkitty]

If you tell us what percentage of time you are proposing they spend with each parent we can probably help you come up with something that makes a lot more sense and doesn't involve switching back and forth so much (which both of them include)

[achase123]

I agree, that's REALLY confusing.

My visitation schedule is different because XH has been in and out of jail since P has been born and I have 100% physical and legal custody.

He has visitation all day long on Sunday, from 8-5pm. He also has Wednesday evening visits.

Occasionally I will have P stay the night with him, usually for one night at a time. Like this weekend he'll stay overnight with him on Saturday.

We may eventually work up to getting this in the CO but for now it seems to be working to do it informally.

[formerlyak]

Ds is with his dad Monday nights from dinner - bed, Wednesday nights overnight and every other weekend Friday night - Sunday dinner. The rest of the time he is with me. The only holidays we put specifics for are Thanksgiving (he is always with his dad because that is when his dad's whole family gets together), Saturday after Thanksgiving he is always with me because that is when we do Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve he is with his dad and Christmas Day he is always with me. We each get him for father's day or mother's day and our birthdays and we split time with him on his birthday. Any other holiday whoever has him that day gets him that day.

[sweetchix]

Thank you all for your responses, both good and bad. I agree that both are confusing! Honestly I believe that STBX wants residency of the girls just to get back at me. I am the one who initiated the divorce. When I asked him why he wanted the girls (who are 3 and 5 btw) he said he needed to protect himself.

I told him residency is just an address that meant they'd go to school in that district, it had nothing to do with our visitation schedule. However, that means that they HAVE to have a residency on record for school/medical purposes so we need to decide which of us is more suitable for them to live with and which school district is better.

IMO they would be better off living with me with AMPLE visitation with him and flexibility as well. Originally I had said I wanted to move the girls and me back in with my mom and stepfather (the girls have already been spending all day Wednesday overnight to Thursday there since they were babies) so I can pay off any outstanding debts and save some money so I could possibly get a house for us or rent a nice duplex and have a decent savings in case something were to happen to my job or I had some medical issues. But when he said he didn't like the idea of them living there (even though they do for 2 days out of the week) I looked into getting into an apartment right away and found one in a nice neighborhood that had a lot of amenities for the girls (pool, playground, community feel) and was not quite as far away as my mom's. But he shot that down.

I would've gone with the EO weekend and Wednesday night (overnight if he wanted) but I knew that he wouldn't agree and would want more time with them. Which is why I added Monday night until 7:30. I'm really trying to be fair on the amount of time the girls get to spend with each of us and am trying to get it as close to 50/50 as I can, but he isn't budging on letting up with him keeping them.

[naeljun]

it's not about him or you. It is about the girls and what is best for them. He really has no right to tell you where to live unless it puts the girls in a situation that is bad for them and then he would have a reason to fight you for physical custody.

Do you have a lawyer? I think you need one to help sort all this out.

[turtle1120]

Aug 23, 2012 15:15:14 GMT -5 naeljun said:

it's not about him or you. It is about the girls and what is best for them. He really has no right to tell you where to live unless it puts the girls in a situation that is bad for them and then he would have a reason to fight you for physical custody.

Do you have a lawyer? I think you need one to help sort all this out.

This exactly. He can't tell you where you're allowed to live. I think you should lawyer up because it sounds like you two just aren't going to agree.

[sweetchix]

Yes, I do have a lawyer. We've seen a mediator twice, and a law guardian came to our house on Monday to talk with each of us individually. Her decision yesterday was that we share custody with no residential designation and the girls stay in our current school district (DD1 is starting kindergarten in 2 weeks). STBX plans on keeping the house and I think that may have swayed her. However, I met with my attorney this morning and he suggested that I look into keeping the house. If staying in our current house (for the time being) is what's best for the girls, and I can understand why the law guardian feels that way, then the girls and Mommy stay in the house and STBX gets an apartment nearby or moves back in with his parents, who live much closer than mine do. And the girls can still have ample time with both of us.

[blackkitty]

Well if you are truly trying to do 50/50 or something close to that I would suggest doing something like 3-3-2-2 or true 50/50 of every other week.
We did 3-3-2-2 when my son was younger and then once he was in kindergarten we switched custody every Friday afternoon. It worked very well for our son.

[sweetchix]

Aug 23, 2012 15:20:14 GMT -5 turtle1120 said:

Aug 23, 2012 15:15:14 GMT -5 naeljun said:

it's not about him or you. It is about the girls and what is best for them. He really has no right to tell you where to live unless it puts the girls in a situation that is bad for them and then he would have a reason to fight you for physical custody.

Do you have a lawyer? I think you need one to help sort all this out.

This exactly. He can't tell you where you're allowed to live. I think you should lawyer up because it sounds like you two just aren't going to agree.

Yes, I hate that it seems that he can tell me where I can or cannot live. I don't think that's right. It shouldn't matter where I live as long as the girls' needs are being looked after and they are happy. Whether it's in our current house or an 800 sq ft apartment, in our current city or 700 miles away, they will be loved and cared for.

[blackkitty]

Aug 23, 2012 15:28:06 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

Aug 23, 2012 15:20:14 GMT -5 turtle1120 said:

This exactly. He can't tell you where you're allowed to live. I think you should lawyer up because it sounds like you two just aren't going to agree.

Yes, I hate that it seems that he can tell me where I can or cannot live. I don't think that's right. It shouldn't matter where I live as long as the girls' needs are being looked after and they are happy. Whether it's in our current house or an 800 sq ft apartment, in our current city or 700 miles away, they will be loved and cared for.

In the state that I got divorced the law states that the custodial parent cannot move more than 60 miles from the marital home without the other parent's permission.

[doriswe]

So you'd stay in the house in the city you want to move from to get residential custody?? *shakes head* You need to pick a path here.....in one breath you say you need to move 20 miles for support, but now you want to keep the house so you can keep the kids. Get an apartment in the same town your XH is in and be done with it.

The more you share, the less I think this is about the kids.

[sweetchix]

Aug 23, 2012 15:35:23 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Aug 23, 2012 15:28:06 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

Yes, I hate that it seems that he can tell me where I can or cannot live. I don't think that's right. It shouldn't matter where I live as long as the girls' needs are being looked after and they are happy. Whether it's in our current house or an 800 sq ft apartment, in our current city or 700 miles away, they will be loved and cared for.

In the state that I got divorced the law states that the custodial parent cannot move more than 60 miles from the marital home without the other parent's permission.

My hometown, which is where I'd like to move closer to, is approximately 20 miles away. And the apartment I found is actually in a better school district that our current district. I just stated the 700 miles as a reference to it not mattering where the girls lived because they would be well cared for regardless.

[blackkitty]

Aug 23, 2012 15:46:47 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

Aug 23, 2012 15:35:23 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

In the state that I got divorced the law states that the custodial parent cannot move more than 60 miles from the marital home without the other parent's permission.

My hometown, which is where I'd like to move closer to, is approximately 20 miles away. And the apartment I found is actually in a better school district that our current district. I just stated the 700 miles as a reference to it not mattering where the girls lived because they would be well cared for regardless.

Based on your last sentence it sounds like you think it doesn't matter if they see their dad. Because you will take care of them.
Hopefully that's not how you really feel. And it also sounds really weird since you've said that he's a good dad.

[sweetchix]

Aug 23, 2012 15:44:00 GMT -5 doriswe said:

So you'd stay in the house in the city you want to move from to get residential custody?? *shakes head* You need to pick a path here.....in one breath you say you need to move 20 miles for support, but now you want to keep the house so you can keep the kids. Get an apartment in the same town your XH is in and be done with it.

The more you share, the less I think this is about the kids.

It would hopefully be temporary, but yes, if staying in our current house is what's best for the girls that's what I'm willing to do. I don't necesarily agree that it is, but I am willing to try it out for their sake.

Not sure if you have kids? But if you thought them living with you was best for them wouldn't you do what you had to do to make that happen?

[doriswe]

Aug 23, 2012 15:52:48 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

Aug 23, 2012 15:44:00 GMT -5 doriswe said:

So you'd stay in the house in the city you want to move from to get residential custody?? *shakes head* You need to pick a path here.....in one breath you say you need to move 20 miles for support, but now you want to keep the house so you can keep the kids. Get an apartment in the same town your XH is in and be done with it.

The more you share, the less I think this is about the kids.

It would hopefully be temporary, but yes, if staying in our current house is what's best for the girls that's what I'm willing to do. I don't necesarily agree that it is, but I am willing to try it out for their sake.

Not sure if you have kids? But if you thought them living with you was best for them wouldn't you do what you had to do to make that happen?

So you'd stay in the to gain residential custody so you could then move??? You really need to step back and take a look at what you're doing. You are making this very clear that this is not about them.

Yes, I do have kids and do everything in my power to make sure my kids are safe and well cared for AND to have time with their dads. I don't get a pass simply because I'm the mom and society expects them to be with me.

[sweetchix]

Aug 23, 2012 15:48:59 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Aug 23, 2012 15:46:47 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

My hometown, which is where I'd like to move closer to, is approximately 20 miles away. And the apartment I found is actually in a better school district that our current district. I just stated the 700 miles as a reference to it not mattering where the girls lived because they would be well cared for regardless.

Based on your last sentence it sounds like you think it doesn't matter if they see their dad. Because you will take care of them.
Hopefully that's not how you really feel. And it also sounds really weird since you've said that he's a good dad.

No, that's not what I meant at all. I meant that it seems like STBX is being allowed to tell me where I can or cannot live and where I live shouldn't matter because their needs will be met no matter where that is.

[blackkitty]

Aug 23, 2012 15:56:41 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

Aug 23, 2012 15:48:59 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Based on your last sentence it sounds like you think it doesn't matter if they see their dad. Because you will take care of them.
Hopefully that's not how you really feel. And it also sounds really weird since you've said that he's a good dad.

No, that's not what I meant at all. I meant that it seems like STBX is being allowed to tell me where I can or cannot live and where I live shouldn't matter because their needs will be met no matter where that is.

Where you live affects his ability to see his children. So yes, it should matter to him ^o)

[doriswe]

Aug 23, 2012 15:56:41 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

Aug 23, 2012 15:48:59 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Based on your last sentence it sounds like you think it doesn't matter if they see their dad. Because you will take care of them.
Hopefully that's not how you really feel. And it also sounds really weird since you've said that he's a good dad.

No, that's not what I meant at all. I meant that it seems like STBX is being allowed to tell me where I can or cannot live and where I live shouldn't matter because their needs will be met no matter where that is.

Again, you're insinuating that YOU are the only one who can meet their needs...where ever YOU are. If what you say is true, that he's a good dad, wouldn't their needs be met with him as well? If you are both good parents, they will be well cared for at BOTH houses.

[BookLover]

That is a lot of back and forth. Anyway to just swap weeks? Every other week?

My visitation schedule is very, very different since the ex was an abusive douche-bag.
He has limited, supervised visitation. Only at a time that I agree on. I'm also allowed to move where ever I want, I have no restrictions.

[naeljun]

Aug 23, 2012 15:56:41 GMT -5 sweetchix said:

Aug 23, 2012 15:48:59 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Based on your last sentence it sounds like you think it doesn't matter if they see their dad. Because you will take care of them.
Hopefully that's not how you really feel. And it also sounds really weird since you've said that he's a good dad.

No, that's not what I meant at all. I meant that it seems like STBX is being allowed to tell me where I can or cannot live and where I live shouldn't matter because their needs will be met no matter where that is.

When I said that he didn't have a right to tell you where to live, I was assuming it would be in close proximity to him. I thought you were saying he wouldn't allow the girls to live in an apartment.

[sweetchix]

I'm sorry, obviously I am not explaining myself right. I'm truly trying to do what's best for the girls. However, I've been under so much stress the past few weeks as we have been trying to get this resolved before kindergarten starts in 2 weeks, I've been an emotional wreck, I haven't been sleeping well, and I haven't been eating much because I haven't had much of an appetite.

Thank you all for your responses though, even the negative ones. Based on this I am going to see about getting back into counseling to make sure I really do have the girls' best interests at heart.

[doriswe]

I swear I'm not trying to be an ass, but the way you're explaining the situation sounds like you want to win. I really hope you and your X can work out a plan that works for everybody. I don't know that I'd put the pressure on yourself to have it all figured out before school starts.