It's over, he wants divorce - I am drowning :(

[glynn]

I could write a lot of this also. We have mediation today.... 5/5 H told me he wanted a divorce. Honestly I was a mess for 2 weeks then I decided I wanted and needed more. My H has a girlfriend so that helped me to decide I was not going to keep doing this. It will get better.... This is my 2nd divorce, the first one was a lot harder to get over even though I was the one who left. If you can find someone to talk to it will help. Good Luck.

[jojoandleo]

Oct 7, 2015 9:18:09 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

I was sharing this with a good friend at work who is "contently" married and she told me that she doesn't get it, doesn't get my emotional struggle. If her husband told her he was out, she would just say Fine and move on. If he doesn't want to be with her, she doesn't need it, they must be different people with different priorities. Why is this so hard on me then? I know we are different in many ways but we were doing this together.

I am a mess. So sorry for this but this is the best place where I can be a mess right now.

Look, it is so easy to say how you would react when you are, ya know, NOT IN THE SITUATION. She has no fucking clue how she would react. She can get off her high horse.  I would stop talking to this person about your divorce. You don't need some condescending jerk making you feel bad.

Divorce is HARD. Even if you are done, even if the person you are with doesn't give you what you need, it's HARD. You loved/love this person. Maybe not who he is now, or maybe you only loved who you THOUGHT he was, but still. Those emotions don't just go away because it didn't work.

Everyone here will tell you, no matter how "done" they were, there were still days were you just cried. The life you thought you had has changed. It's scary. That's okay. I suggest a counselor. Someone you can talk to who won't judge you. Someone that can help you process all these emotions.

First priority-take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. DO NOT look for ways this is your fault, or you were wrong. No one has to be "wrong" when a marriage ends. Sometimes people just aren't "right" together. That's okay. If you need to vent, come on here and vent. You need to cry? Cry!  No one can tell you how you SHOULD react. *hugs*

[Serenity9]

I'm so sorry you're going through this! ((Hugs)) It so very, very normal for this to be so hard. He has been your life for 14 years and is the father of your children. Your "friend" at work can say that all she wants, but until she is confronted with such a huge change in her life, she can't say she'd be so breezy about it. I guarantee you she wouldn't be.

It will get better. It takes time. If it makes you feel any better, I was an absolute mess for a long time after my separation/divorce. And I was the one who initiated it!

Just allow yourself to grieve. Don't hold it back, because then it will just come out later in other - possibly unhealthy - ways.

It sounds like the two of you have been unhappy for a while. You don't know why things changed a long time ago, but now he has decided he wants to make a change to be happier. Maybe that change wasn't your decision, but in the long run, you can benefit from it in the same way.

Days like these really are just survival days. Put one foot in front of the other, make the calls you need to make, breathe. Don't put high expectations on yourself. If your kids have bake sales, don't feel bad about not contributing this time. This process can sap your energy; save it for keeping your kids and yourself healthy and as content as you can be considering the circumstances. Do fun things with your kids, and take every opportunity to find reasons to laugh.

I'll be thinking of you.

[calle28]

Yes, you will get better, I promise. It just takes time. Everyone is different, so there is no set time schedule. Your coworker was a jerk to say what she said. She isn't in the situation, so she has no idea how she would react. Do not compare yourself to others, just focus on you.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[doglove]

Separation and divorce are hard. It's sh!tty for people to discount you by saying how they'd deal with it when they aren't even in the situation. You've spent a lifetime with this person, had hopes and dreams and a child. There is no easy way to rip off a band-aid. It takes time and work to heal and move on. You've spent 14 years in this relationship, why would you want to just be over it in a second?

Are you in therapy? It sounds like you could use some to work through your issues and how you feel. It's okay to be confused and hurt and upset and whatever you feel. Separation/divorce is a rollercoaster of emotions. No matter how people look on this board (together, happy, content), we've all been through the devastating part and the lows of the rollercoaster too.

Hugs.

[Linie]

I think that very few people are able to "snap out" of it in only a few weeks.
Years ago, my fiancé ended our relation and it took me an entire year to get over it. I had nights where my anxiety was almost unbearable.

Last year, I left my husband and it took a year to come to that decision.

You have lost your life partner but also a future life that you had imagined.

It will get better. I promise. But don't feel guilty about your feelings now.

I needed therapy and medication to help me. Do not hesitate to seek help.

Be kind to yourself. GL

[cuddlyevil]

{{{HUG}}}

A therapist helped me the most. If you're not in individual therapy, please find one--it will help.

[katieido]

I am very sorry you are in so much pain. Reading your post, I get a very clear sense that the narrative of what was supposed to be has become an obstacle for you. Which is so normal and natural, it is very difficult and horrible to have to face a major change to what you believed your life to be. The expectations you had for your husband, for what love looked like, what marriage looked like, have not come true.

I think it might be time to reframe your situation in your mind. You mentioned several times that you blame yourself, that he seemed checked out, didn't demonstrate his love. if only he let you know his feelings sooner, if only you knew how to make it better.

I think the question you might ask yourself is, do I want to feel this way for another year? Five years? For the rest of my life? Do I deserve happiness and to feel loved?

It is important to consider your intrinsic value. I think it would sounds like your husband has not considered it in some time, and you have in turn denied it as well to some extent. Your value is greater than your marriage and is not related to whether you're marriage fails. Your feelings matter.

I would encourage you to consider seeing a counselor, i think you would benefit from the help of an objective judgement free professional who can help you work through grieving your marriage, and rediscovering your worth.

[achase123]

I highly recommend counseling. It's a tough time. So much loss. So much to deal with. You will get through it but unfortunately there's no easy answer to when. Just let yourself feel what you need to and do what you need to do.

[bg]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think your reaction is perfectly normal. I agree with the others, it's a grieving process. And it is scary because it's a huge change and it leads to a lot of future unknowns.

In addition to individual therapy, I know some couples counselors will also work with couples to split up as amicably as possible. You could look into continuing couples counseling, but with a new goal.

Focus on yourself now and on finding out what really makes you happy. And know that whatever happens you will be ok. Some of it is just letting time pass.

[tiffany81]

I just wanted to offer my support and tell you that you are definitely normal. It hurts. It's okay to grieve and cry and be upset and mad. I basically wrote the exact same thing you did - together 14 years, married close to 10, and blindsided. I felt lost without him. I was used to texting my XH all day long, sharing all my thoughts with him, receiving so much emotional support, etc. And he was just gone and done.

It was shocking to my system. I remember feeling numb and that I'd never stop crying. But 1.5 year later and I am honestly not sad 90 percent of the time. In fact, I'm often happier and less stressed. I see so much happiness in my future.

I'd recommend counseling or divorce care classes in a church. I attended both, even though I'm not religious. But I found the group support very helpful in feeling less alone. I was scared I'd never stop being sad. It was reassuring to see other women moving forward. That's why this board helped me so much too - seeing such strong, happy women on the other side of where I was.

Post here often, and know that it will get better.

[brooke77]

I just wanted to echo what some of the other ladies have said. Your feelings are valid and normal. Also, it's a process. I am separated and working on the divorce agreement with my stbxh now and it is HARD. Even though I'm the one that initiated it, you go through a rollercoaster of emotions. I was extremely sad and lonely those first months. I'm just starting to feel really, really content and happy now. A coworker of mine said she started dating immediately and went on a date each night as soon as she was separated. DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS. Your process is your own.

Hugs. It will get better.

[jigsy]

I could have written this post last year. I probably did write this post. For some time, I desperately wanted to reconcile and I had all the feelings your are feeling. The sadness of missing the good times, missing someone who wanted to hear from me, the little inside jokes we had. I missed it, I wanted it back. So much so that I completely glossed over all the bad that we had. So at least you are ahead of the curve on that one in that you are recognizing that he wasn't offering you what you needed.

The way I got past those feelings...
1 - Time.
2 - Letting go. I wasn't fully able to move on until I let go of the possibility of reconciliation. For so long, I just wanted that to happen, so I refused to acknowledge how ill-fitted my XH was for me. Once I realize the we were never ever ever getting back together, I started to see how shitty he was for me. So much so, that when he came back a couple months down the road looking for a second chance, I was able to tell him no, because like hell if I was going to go back to someone who could treat me so poorly.

I still love him in a "wow - we spent a lot of time together and he help form me into the person I am today, good and bad" kind of way. He is not a bad person, but he is not the right person for me. Getting out in the dating world and realizing that there were indeed people who would like me for me was refreshing and also helped because it made me realize that I wasn't crazy for wanting the things that I wanted.

Hugs...you are in the worst part. It will get better.

[dawnzersong]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's perfectly normal to be devastated by this. I know it's hard to see right now, but it WILL get better. As others have said, please continue seeing a therapist on your own. I can't tell you what a lifesaver it's been to go every week into a quiet, comfortable, safe room with someone whose job is to focus on my well-being and just talk and sob and fall apart when I'm so exhausted from holding it together at work all day. And as a previous poster suggested, continuing to see a counselor together will help make this transition as easy as possible for both of you, so hopefully that's something your husband would be open to.

I'd also like to gently suggest that your friend isn't the best person to talk about this experience with. I understand that she can't see things from your exact perspective because she's not in your shoes, but her response to you went beyond a simple lack of understanding to callousness. Even if you're in an amicable situation where you just realize that you have different priorities or want different things or whatever, it's still hard to let go and it hurts like hell. She shouldn't have to experience the same thing that you have in order to show empathy and support.

Above all, always remember to take care of yourself and do whatever you feel you need to do, especially in these first few weeks after being dealt such a huge blow. It takes time to find the new normal, so just keep reminding yourself that your feelings for your husband can't just be switched off, and you don't have to get everything figured out RIGHT NOW. Reach out to the people who make you feel loved and supported, and take some quiet time to be alone with yourself too, if that's what feels right. Sending so many internet hugs to you.

[tevagirl]

Xh.completely blindsided me when he said he was filling fire divorce, there was no discussing it, no counseling, nothing. He was just done. I was so so sad for awhile. Then I was angry. I'm still angry and it's been over 18 months.

I cried a lot at first, I didn't want it to be over. I was sad because I wanted to be married to him. I was angry that our daughter had to grow up with her parents apart. That was never how I imagined my life or hers.

I moved in with my parents because I needed help with child care and honestly I needed the emotional support too. My friends were and still are awesome, I wouldn't have gotten this far without them or my family.

[1confused1]

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. Stick around, the ladies on this board have been through it all and have great advice.

[abcdefu]

I'm sorry you are hurting. What really helped me in the beginning were all the little things I couldn't do while I was with ex-h. For example, sleeping in the middle of the bed, turning my favorite music on, spreading my clothes out throughout the closet, re-decorating my space etc. Over time I began to feel better see the positive side of getting divorced. I began to visualize what my life without ex-h and I realized I could be happy on my own.

Please stick around! The ladies here are awesome!

[whatnext]

Oct 7, 2015 9:18:09 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

I was sharing this with a good friend at work who is "contently" married and she told me that she doesn't get it, doesn't get my emotional struggle. If her husband told her he was out, she would just say Fine and move on. If he doesn't want to be with her, she doesn't need it, they must be different people with different priorities. Why is this so hard on me then? I know we are different in many ways but we were doing this together.

I am a mess. So sorry for this but this is the best place where I can be a mess right now.

Those who have never been there often think that until they are in your shoes.
Take care of yourself, try to be kind to yourself and stay talking to a neutral professional

[glynn]

Oct 7, 2015 9:38:31 GMT -5 chocolatepickle said:

Oct 7, 2015 9:25:24 GMT -5 glynn said:

I could write a lot of this also. We have mediation today.... 5/5 H told me he wanted a divorce. Honestly I was a mess for 2 weeks then I decided I wanted and needed more. My H has a girlfriend so that helped me to decide I was not going to keep doing this. It will get better.... This is my 2nd divorce, the first one was a lot harder to get over even though I was the one who left. If you can find someone to talk to it will help. Good Luck.

How did you manage to snap out of it so quickly? I mean I understand you probably weren't all the way "snapped out" but sounds like more than me What helped?

I keep blaming myself for everything (he did a lot of it when we first separated) and keeping thinking that I messed up a really good thing with a really good man but I didn't know that my style was bothering him that much back in the day.

I decided that I was better than what I was getting at home. I will not stand by and be cheated on even though he still denies. I have text messages daily where he is telling his girlfriend he loves her. I have not heard that for years. I deserve someone that is willing to work with me, for me, and the family. That was not happening.

Stop blaming yourself.... You are only responsible for you actions, he is responsible for his. Blaming myself is what took me longer to get over it the 1st time.

Today is a off day for me but I will snap out of it. I joined a gym over a year ago and that really help. Most of the people in my class do not know but I feel better about myself because I am doing something for me which was not happening a year ago. I was also doing yoga before all of this started and that is a stress relief also.

[frontbutt]

Yeah, I'm definitely doing better now - I only cry every other day or so now, LOL

But I would never get back with XH - I don't want him. I still grieve the loss of my marriage, but not him.

My struggle now is just getting through this house selling process. It's definitely set me back as far as healing goes. XH is really showing his true nature :/

[glitzyglow]

It takes time. I was blindsided when I found out my exH was cheating and subsequently divorced. Counseling was my greatest help, as I was my own worst enemy to healing.

[redshoejune]

I know how hard it is to hear, but time is the only thing that really helps. I still get really upset when I think about what my life and future were "supposed to" be like. I filed for divorce just over a year ago and it has been final for 8 months. Just now starting to feel like I am going to be ok.

Another thing that helps me is to accomplish something every day. Generally stuff that has to get done anyway, but it helps me feel better about myself and my life. Some days the list is: I got my kids up and dressed and to school. Which feels like a huge accomplishment when you don't feel like you can get out of bed. Other days it is more "I can do this on my own" things, like home maintenance tasks or getting bills paid.

Counseling has helped too.

Find someone who has been there or just people online that have. Knowing that I'm not the only one who has gone through this helps and people who have been through it before know how hard it is.

Try to identify what you can't change and let go of it. Very very hard and probably not something you can do right now in survival mode (I'm just starting to get to this point), but this is what has made the most difference in my happiness and outlook on life.

[redshoejune]

You can do this.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry that you're hurting.  No longer having the life you used to have (or imagined you'd have) is very hard.  One of the only things that really makes it better is time and we can't rush it, unfortunately. It's a huge disappointment and it's normal to grieve.  You are normal and it will get better. It sounds like he wasn't truly giving you what you needed (emotionally and physically) and that's unfair to you.  You have to think about how it would be to continue to deal with his behaviors for the next 5-10-20-30 years...would you be content? Unlikely. It's easy to remember the good times, obviously there were good things or you wouldn't have been together at all.  But you need to remember the crap too, not just the good stuff.  
Big hugs.

[prettyinpearls]

I'm a little late to the game, but I hope I can offer some advice. First of all, I'm very sorry you're hurting and going through this. Separation and divorce is one of the hardest things I've been through, but now that I've come out on the other side a completely different (for the better!) person, I wouldn't have it any other way.

When DS1 was 8 months old, XH told me he didn't think he was in love with me anymore and moved out. For four months I tried to make things work; I went to counseling, I did a self-help marriage boot camp, I did everything in my power to be a better wife until I had that light bulb moment and realized that while I had my faults, the separation wasn't MY fault. My XH had been checked out of our marriage for months and was basically waiting form me to do all the dirty work. I filed for divorce the next week.

You'll get to that moment too, but it takes time. Another poster commented that part of the process is letting go. That's a big one. I had to let go of the picture I had in my mind of what my family should look like (husband, wife, and kid, all under one roof), I had to let go and accept that I was going to be 27 and going through a divorce when most of my friends were just getting married for the first time, I had to let go of the anger I had towards XH and realize that I can't change him or his actions and only my reaction to him. And you know what? Once I did let go, I felt like a weight had been lifted and never been more empowered.

That was almost 5 years ago. I'm now happily remarried, have another son, and actually have a really decent co-parenting relationship with my XH. It's been a long, painful, and emotional journey, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Stick around -- this board was a great resource to me and the ladies here are fantastic.

[lemons]

I have never been in your shoes, so I don't understand what you're going thru...but I know the pain of losing your spouse. Be kind to yourself and put one foot in front of the other. You will have bad days, but also good days. Time does make it easier, but not always better, but the good days start to outweigh the bad days.