Care to Continue Discussing?

[OHMBLEEGOHHHHH!]

It needs to be taken situationally. DH is as horny as a 15 year old, and is ALWAYS rubbing up on me, and touching me, and starting to nip and grind when I am trying to SLEEP (yes, even in yoga pants), and I don't take it as anything but GET OFF OF ME YOU HORNY FREAK.
It scares her. It negatively affects her marriage, it makes her feel unsafe, and he knows this and continues. And that makes all the difference. Her reaction to it should be the important part.

[SKP82]

As I said in the other thread:

Did you not see in OP's original post where she says "ow. ouch. get off. get off!"

Maybe in your house that would be funny. But in a home with a cycle of sexual abuse, it is not. At all.

ETA: I also would not refer to her retelling of that incident as an "anecdote."

[janegold]

I will admit that I do have a somewhat difficult time being completely horrified at the H's actions b/c this would not be a problem in our house at all. Half the time we have sex, it is one of us initiating while the other is sleeping. I've never woken up to my H actually having sex with me, but I am fairly confident it wouldn't bother me.

However, it clearly upsets her and she has communicated this to her H very clearly. He needs to accept that it is not ok in his relationship. And that because it's not ok, it IS rape. His opinion on this matter is irrelevant. Whether it upsets her enough to divorce him is something she needs to figure out for herself.

[peekay]

It's funny in my house. Every freaking time I bend over, H runs up and "pretends" to hump my behind. Every time!!!

It's hilarious because he has never raped me and does not make me feel unsafe in my own home and bed.

[mskitkat]

You can't really judge what's okay in another marriage by what's okay in yours. If one of you all randomly walked into my house on any given night, you would be horrified and taking me aside to ask if I was really okay. Or if he was. Because how we treat eachother could easily be seen as abusive (punching, kicking, joint locks...). If a friend of mine said she was afraid because her husband was putting her in joint locks, I certainly would be horrified.

[imoan]

Aug 23, 2012 10:59:48 GMT -5 peekay said:

It's hilarious because he has never raped me and does not make me feel unsafe in my own home and bed.

This is the difference. It's great that these are all jokes in your house, but we're not talking about your house. And we're talking about someone who has continually felt violated by the person that is supposed to protect her.

(peekay, just as a clarification- I agree with you. Didn't want my response to sound like I was arguing with you)

[calledout]

And you're all pointing out that this is a scenario No. 1 situation (that it's not funny AT ALL when the person making the joke is a raping rapist). But I just wonder if there's a possibility that Scenario No. 2 could be in play. That's all.

[mkesweetie]

Aug 23, 2012 11:18:45 GMT -5 calledout said:

And you're all pointing out that this is a scenario No. 1 situation (that it's not funny AT ALL when the person making the joke is a raping rapist). But I just wonder if there's a possibility that Scenario No. 2 could be in play. That's all.

Your post confused me a little, so tell me again what Number Two was again?

[OHMBLEEGOHHHHH!]

What other scenario? That it's just fun and games?
That they're in therapy for this, he's heard how devastated she is, that the therapist wants her to know that divorce is justified, that it's rape that he could be prosecuted for, but he still does it because he's just being snuggly and lovey like our husbands?
No.

[hubes]

I think that it takes an incredible douchtastic doucher to make a post commenting about a raped woman and how "you would react in that situation." You don't fucking know.

Geez, how do you have the energy to suck so hard?

[scotty]

immm? That you?

[ralphlauren]

I think this is pretty shitty

[pedanticwench]

good fucking lord.

[Deleted]

Seriously? Fuck this thread.

[calledout]

Scenario 2 is the possibily that my version of what qualifies as a "coercive sex act" inciting fear and intimidation is different from OPs. Scenario 2 is that we are all assuming that OP's reference to "coercive sex acts" means something different than it actually is.

ETA - Today's "update" absolutely changes my take on the situation. This is just a thought that occurred to me after reading the initial post weeks ago. Obviously, scenario 2 is NOT reality. I just thought it wasn't so cut and dry the first time. Whatever. I'm an asshole, I guess.

[janegold]

I'm still confused.

[OHMBLEEGOHHHHH!]

Scenario 1 - OP's H does sexual things to her, including penetration, when she is unconscious and/or unwilling, causing her fear, anger, and resentment.
Scenario 2 - There is none.

[peekay]

Aug 23, 2012 11:18:45 GMT -5 calledout said:

And you're all pointing out that this is a scenario No. 1 situation (that it's not funny AT ALL when the person making the joke is a raping rapist). But I just wonder if there's a possibility that Scenario No. 2 could be in play. That's all.

So you get the difference in context. So what are you saying?

I'm confused, are you bragging that you don't live with a rapist? Or are you suggesting that the OP is overreacting??? Please tell me that's not the case.

Are you aware of how douchey you are coming across?

[mkesweetie]

Aug 23, 2012 11:37:42 GMT -5 peekay said:

Aug 23, 2012 11:18:45 GMT -5 calledout said:

And you're all pointing out that this is a scenario No. 1 situation (that it's not funny AT ALL when the person making the joke is a raping rapist). But I just wonder if there's a possibility that Scenario No. 2 could be in play. That's all.

So you get the difference in context. So what are you saying?

I'm confused, are you bragging that you don't live with a rapist? Or are you suggesting that the OP is overreacting??? Please tell me that's not the case.

Are you aware of how douchey you are coming across?

Sadly, I think this is the case.

[karmasabiotch]

I didn't see the OP but anything that makes you feel uncomfortane, unsafe, or is unwelcomed and you make it know becomes not ok.

[Tacocat]

There is no scenario 2. It doesn't matter what your definition of "coercive sex act" is because to her, her H did in fact rape her.

[SKP82]

Aug 23, 2012 11:28:22 GMT -5 hubes said:

I think that it takes an incredible douchtastic doucher to make a post commenting about a raped woman and how "you would react in that situation." You don't fucking know.

Geez, how do you have the energy to suck so hard?

:Y:

[calledout]

Yes - clearly - he in fact raped her. And maybe that's why it's impossible to have this discussion right now b/c its too difficult to separate the hypothetical from the reality. I was just wondering if - hypothetically speaking, based not-so-loosely on OP's first post - people would react differently to OP if the following things were true (a) no penetration; (b) "coercive sex act" meant something that isn't universally regarded as violent / offensive / abusive.

Is it "he made you afraid and therefore the situation is unresolveable. Period." Would that be the case even if the things that made the woman afraid would not otherwise alarm an average person? How subjective is this deal?

[Deleted]

my god. can't we just leave this woman's situation alone already? she's clearly here sometimes.

[imoan]

I guess I take issue with discussing hypotheticals smack dab in the middle of a real-life situation while some poor woman tries to gather the strength to do what she needs to be safe.

[LLL]

Aug 23, 2012 11:55:27 GMT -5 calledout said:

Yes - clearly - he in fact raped her. And maybe that's why it's impossible to have this discussion right now b/c its too difficult to separate the hypothetical from the reality. I was just wondering if - hypothetically speaking, based not-so-loosely on OP's first post - people would react differently to OP if the following things were true (a) no penetration; (b) "coercive sex act" meant something that isn't universally regarded as violent / offensive / abusive.

Is it "he made you afraid and therefore the situation is unresolveable. Period." Would that be the case even if the things that made the woman afraid would not otherwise alarm an average person? How subjective is this deal?

tickling is not universally regarded as violent. if my husband chooses to tickle me against my will even though I have repeatedly told him how frightened and uncomfortable it makes me, it is wrong. If he does it again while we are in therapy to discuss this very issue then there is a huge problem.

how are you not getting that?

[runforrest]

Dude, who gives a crap? The only thing that matters is that she told her H to stop, that it was not consensual, and he can't do it again. He violates her every single time he does it. Period.

This thread is rude.

[pedanticwench]

Aug 23, 2012 11:57:12 GMT -5 imoan said:

I guess I take issue with discussing hypotheticals smack dab in the middle of a real-life situation while some poor woman tries to gather the strength to do what she needs to be safe.

yes.

[snipsnsnails]

Are you a regular under another name or is this your primary name?

[calledout]

So, maybe I'll just DD and be done with it?