A question about spanking

[moonpie]

Dh and I were both spanked a handful of times as children and we will not spank.

It does not surprise me it is so common. Just this week my coworkers shamed me for not spanking. I live in one of the more educated and liberal areas of our state.

One coworker has openly talked about smacking her kids mouths and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.

[Deleted]

Nov 25, 2015 15:51:04 GMT -5 pennypenny said:

This does not surprise me at all. I am sure it is more prevalent in minority cultures. I don't think it has much to do with a person being conservative or liberal though. Maybe it does for white people.

Sent from my SM-G920V using pro boards

Yeah this. It's definitely the norm in other countries. 

Spanking was absolutely effective for me as it was only done as absolute last resort after warnings, timeouts, etc. So I was only spanked 3 times that I distinctly remember because I knew I majorly fucked up lol. I don't think it's effective when it's the first/only thing you do and I'm vehemently against beating your kid, which unfortunately can be seen as ok in many families.

So I don't think I'll spank my kids, but it's not my hill to die on. 

[teatimefor2]

I don't know anyone who spanks... Both DH and I were a few times in childhood, but very very rarely, and only in extreme situations (running into the road). We don't spank and don't plan on it.

[Velar Fricative]

I'm not aware of friends who spank but I'm not surprised by the numbers either. GBCN is a total bubble!

I don't know if DH was ever spanked but I was. It was effective, but I think other methods of discipline would have been effective too, so even though spanking is something I grew up with, I will try very very very hard not to go to that extreme. DH is on the same page.

Also, I grew up with immigrant parents who came from somewhere where spanking was the norm.

[Deleted]

Nov 25, 2015 16:39:54 GMT -5 @hannymaren said:

So if you spank or saw someone spank, was it a tap on the bottom? A slap? Bare bottom? Did the kid cry?
I don't see how hitting anyone has ever solved anything. So if I want to teach my kid that violence is not the answer...
I have definitely grabbed her arm hard to get her attention but no harm and my kid bruises super easy. No bruises.

To answer your questions....

I've seen a variety of things in public, from what I consider spanking (a swat on the bottom) to hitting with an object like a brush. I don't consider that spanking.

As far as it not teaching your kid to not spank someone else, I think that's pretty kid dependent. My parents would occasionally yell at me. I still knew it was very wrong to yell at someone and never did it. Just like I knew spanking was a very serious punishment that I only received a few times, so I still knew hitting wasn't ok.

But yeah there are obviously other ways to discipline your kid when needed.

[residentdj]

Nov 25, 2015 15:30:33 GMT -5 dellabear said:

I was spanked and DH was not. He has always been against it whereas until we actually had a kid, I felt like it wasn't such a big deal, I didn't feel that I had been abused or mistreated, etc. But now that we have a child I can't even imagine hitting her. She is so little and I am so big.

I feel the same way. I don't remember much about being 'spanked', like I was never hit with a belt or anything like this. Definitely got smacked a few times though and same goes for my H.

I know DD is eventually going to misbehave, but I look at her and I can't imagine ever hitting her. I think there are better ways to deal with bad behavior.

[KaraOrNot]

I saw a kid get spanked in a waiting room the other day and it was so uncomfortable and hard to watch. I was surprised to see it.

[jorja]

Not surprised. I can almost guarantee anyone I knew in high school spanks their kids.

I got spanked a couple times as a kid. My H got spanked pretty much every time he was bad.

We don't plan on spanking.

[Deleted]

Every single person I've discussed it with has spanked their child. I feel like an outlier not spanking.

[irishbride2]

It's not the norm in our circle but I know for us it absolutely was a deal breaker when we decided on guardians.

[gatsby]

I live in a state where students are still being paddled in schools. Spanking is very much the norm here. Unfortunately.

[bunch]

I know more people who spank than don't. I posted before about a local evangelical school suggesting it as the go to discipline method in their handbook. I honestly don't have strong feelings either way. My anecdotal NPR story on some research on it said that it doesn't help but it also doesn't really hurt. I was spanked as a kid and just remember sassing back, "that doesn't hurt." I actually find those who get worked up about it more surprising than the spankers.

[marie3246]

Pretty much every other parent we know spanks and some that aren't parents yet have said they are going to spank. We don't and will not but it is so strange to me to have to justify to people for not hitting my child. We were staying with our best friends who are pregnant and DD was throwing food on the floor and the friend mentioned if she were his, he would spank her for that. I was shocked. I know that DD understands when she does something wrong, but I cannot imagine that she would get anything from hitting her and it makes me sick to think about doing it at her age.

I also was just with a friend who has a 2 year old and all she was was chase him around and threaten to spank him over and over again. Maybe 100 times in 4 hours and never followed through. Obviously it didn't do anything.

For those of you who are around spankers, what do you say to justify not spanking. I have used the obvious, I don't think it works, there are better ways of punishment and I dont want to hit my kids, but that doesn't stop people from trying to convince me to spank my daughter.

[SJ]

And I definitely think it seems more common in more conservative/religious/traditional circles due to people like Dr James Dobson, "spare the rod and spoil the child", fundamentalists like the Duggar family, etc.

Both DH and I were spanked as children, but we will not spank our children.

[SJ]

Nov 26, 2015 13:39:30 GMT -5 gatsby said:

I live in a state where students are still being paddled in schools. Spanking is very much the norm here. Unfortunately.

What state? Public or private schools?

I would go ballistic if another adult, let alone a teacher, hit my child.

[mcfelix]

Nov 26, 2015 13:39:30 GMT -5 gatsby said:

I live in a state where students are still being paddled in schools. Spanking is very much the norm here. Unfortunately.

Whaaaaaat?!?

I was spanked as a kid. And while I didn't act out from it and it effectively deterred bad behavior, I was terrified of it. I don't recall getting spanked often, but the threat of it was scary for me. DH was spanked. I am adamant that I will not spank our children. DH isn't willing to say never but he knows I am not at all okay with it.

I don't think any of our friends spank.

[gatsby]

Nov 26, 2015 23:04:27 GMT -5 SJ said:

Nov 26, 2015 13:39:30 GMT -5 gatsby said:

I live in a state where students are still being paddled in schools. Spanking is very much the norm here. Unfortunately.

What state? Public or private schools?

I would go ballistic if another adult, let alone a teacher, hit my child.

Georgia. Public schools. Some counties have outlawed it, but others have not. From what I can gather, the farther you get from Atlanta, the more likely it is that it is still happening. The county where I teach doesn't hit (or else I wouldn't be working there), but teachers in some of my post grad classes work in schools where they send the students to be paddled by the administration after a certain number of write ups. They said that they have signed permission slips on file from the parents saying it's ok, but I'm with you. Not only would I not allow anyone else to hit my child, but I would not send my child to a school where any child was being hit. It makes my stomach turn.

[simpsongal]

Dude my brother's GF is like 5 months pregnant and he mentioned spanking the kid to me yesterday. I need to gently work on him and let him know there's a better way. Ugh.

[bears]

Nov 25, 2015 12:59:43 GMT -5 @awinter said:

Nov 25, 2015 12:46:13 GMT -5 @pnkybrwstr said:

I'm here too.  I've never spanked, I have no plans to, and I would be really disappointed in myself if I ever did, but MAN I want to sometimes!

Me too. I once did the Daniel tiger stomp because I was so frustrated and wanted to spank. That was my outlet instead.

I've sometimes put my daughter into extended time outs... Or myself into time outs...because parenting a three year old is no joke.

[sunshineandpinot]

Nov 28, 2015 8:50:31 GMT -5 toledo said:

Nov 25, 2015 14:08:08 GMT -5 sunshineandpinot said:

I have spanked. Probably less than 10-12 times total and my kids are 7 and 4. Obviously I do not do it often but it is VERY effective and my point is made very quickly. I do not threaten with it. It is only done when they have done something they totally should not have and knew better. I have no regrets and usually feel better afterwards.

(((puts on flame retardant suit)))

gosh, I'm so glad that hitting your little kids makes YOU feel better. I'm sure they're glad to be of service.

Meh, okay that's fair. I probably shouldn't say I feel better. But I have never once regretted it. If they have done something to cause me to spank them, then that's the consequence of their actions. They think twice about their behavior the next time and whatever it is that they're doing, doesn't happen again. 
It's not for everyone and I don't do it often. But I do not regret it. 

[sunshineandpinot]

Nov 28, 2015 9:28:28 GMT -5 toledo said:

Nov 28, 2015 9:21:15 GMT -5 sunshineandpinot said:

Meh, okay that's fair. I probably shouldn't say I feel better. But I have never once regretted it. If they have done something to cause me to spank them, then that's the consequence of their actions. They think twice about their behavior the next time and whatever it is that they're doing, doesn't happen again. 
It's not for everyone and I don't do it often. But I do not regret it. 

so they were asking for it, yes? Lol.

They do nothing to "cause" you to hit them. You choose to hit your kids.

You are right. I have made that parenting choice. I'm good with it. 

[degal99]

DH and I are not going to spank. I actually don't know if DH was but I was twice and honestly it was fairly scaring. Perhaps that was because it was done "wrong" (I.e. out of anger and no talking about it) but it seriously scarred me.

We have friends who do and it makes me uncomfortable even though they don't do it in front of people.

[penguingrrl]

I'm surprised it's that common. H and I were each spanked 2 or 3 times ever and it was completely ineffective. we have not hit our kids and will not.

A prek classmate of my oldest daughter's mother was a spanker, especially with her younger son, who was 2 when we knew them. She would spank over the slightest infraction and it made me so uncomfortable. Apparently now in 1st grade she's having some very serious behavioral problems with him, which is no surprise. He was taught that hitting solves everything.

Emma was prone to serious tantrums at that age and she kept telling me that spanking would solve that. Ummm, no. She lost control over her emotions entirely. Hitting her won't teach her to gain control.

She's the only person I've known who openly spanked or admitted to it. Once on the playground in the city I saw a grandmother spank her grandson because he took a toy from my daughter (he was like 2 or 3, totally normal behavior). I was so upset seeing that kind of violence against a baby.

[water*drop]

I'm not surprised by the numbers. DH and I were both spanked as children (him regularly, me a few times), and we do not spank. B/SIL spank their children, and it alllllways comes up at family dinners because they either threaten to spank or joke about the last time they spanked one of the kids. It's so awkward, and it's gross to hear them almost bragging about it. We've tried saying that, but it just eggs them on. I've also heard a lot of our friends threaten spankings, so I'm guessing we are in the minority for not spanking in our area.

[mcfelix]

@fivedogs - thanks for posting that article.

gatsby and @fivedogs - I grew up in Georgia but don't recall anyone ever being hit at school. I was however close to Atlanta (Dekalb county). It blows my mind it's still legal in so many states!!