It feels abusive

[bab]

I know I'm putting myself out there to be pummeled but whatever. I posted recently about varying degrees of unhappiness in marriage. I was not specific at the time, but my feelings of discontent come from what seems to be verbal/emotional abuse.
Here is an example of what happened today.
We were leaving PA after visiting with family for Thanksgiving. My H was packing our car and somehow broke the knob on the gear shift in my van. I was not in the car when this happened.
When we drove away, he was all, "did you know the knob on this was loose? It falls right off." I said no as I haven't driven it since Tuesday and there were no issues. I then reached over and touched the knob to see if it was wobbly or what. It literally just fell to the floor and was totally broken. He SCREAMED at me. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT! I TOLD YOU THAT IT IS BROKEN!"
I said I didn't realize the entire assembly fell off. I just didn't know. He continued screaming. "I SAID AS MUCH! I SAID IT WAS BROKEN."
I was fuming by this point and told him to stop screaming at me. I told him I would not put up with being treated like that and there was absolutely no reason to be yelling at me.
He comes from an abusive background and has learned to constantly deflect when he is in the wrong, but I can't deal anymore.
He wanted to keep talking about how I NEVER should have touched the knob, after he already said it was going to fall. What the fuck ever.
I told him he could either apologize or SHUT UP. (Proud moment ) I told him I don't care anymore but I'm not going to let him yell at me and disrespect me like that.
My kids were in the car FFS!!
He finally apologized but it's too little too late. I'm tired of this!
I have enough fucking stress in my life!!!!

[bab]

Also PDQ

[Deleted]

I'm sorry

[sequins]

I'm sorry, bab. Is he like this always? He needs to go go to a therapist to do anger management. It is abusive.

[annyong]

Ugh, I'm sorry bab. That's not okay.

[miso]

I don't know if it's abusive, but it is certainly unkind, unreasonable, and unacceptable.

Big hug to you. (heart)

[katiescarlett]

Yeah it SOUNDS verbally abusive too. I especially can't believe he said it with the kids in the car. Dude better shape up fast. Have you discussed this in the past or are you just starting to realize now? Hugs to you I'm sorry you're going through this.

[scottyderp]

Yeah, I agree with you that he needs to learn to understand that talking the way that he grew up hearing people talk to each other in a marriage/family isn't going to fly in your house, or you're out.  Totally understandable.  Sorry you are dealing with that--I would just do my own thing for a while to give your body a break.

[bab]

Nov 28, 2015 15:35:23 GMT -5 sequins said:

I'm sorry, bab. Is he like this always? He needs to go go to a therapist to do anger management. It is abusive.

It happens more and more frequently. He keeps saying "I'm sorry, I shouldn't act like that, blah blah"
It's becoming white noise

[flex]

If this happens on the regular, it's verbal abuse. We all lose our shit every once in awhile, but his "admit you're wrong and I'm right" while screaming at you is not cool.

I went through YEARS of verbal abuse. I own the fact that I put up with it for years, but it still wasn't right for him to treat me that way year after year. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, but I was always the bad guy. Always.

My heart goes out to you, bab. ((hugs))

[sugarbear]

I'm sorry. Big hugs from me.

[mekia]

That's very disrespectful of him. Especially in front of your kids. Not okay. I'm sorry.

[dexteroni]

I'm sorry. If this is a habit, then yes, it's abusive. I hope he gets counseling and is able to overcome it, but if he's not willing to even try, then....yeah. Do what you need to do for yourself and your kids. ((((hugs))))

[SKP82]

I'm so sorry.

It is okay to leave.

[sequins]

Nov 28, 2015 15:37:33 GMT -5 bab said:

Nov 28, 2015 15:35:23 GMT -5 sequins said:

If he is otherwise a good partner and also apologises and acknowledges that this is bad behavior, then therapy could be very helpful in controlling his anger. But he definitely needs to break this cycle of yell-apologize-yell. I know how hard it can be on you. I'm so sorry lots of hugs. 

[trafficgirl]

I'm sorry. No one should have to live being yelled at all the time.

I will echo the sentiment that it's okay to leave.

[pantsparty]

I'm so sorry babs

[Deleted]

That's not ok. I'm sorry.

[esdreturns]

I completely, 100% understand. My H comes from an abusive background and acts the same way. I've been asking him for YEARS to go to the therapy. I finally filed for divorce about 2.5 weeks ago. I'm just so sick of it and I am not going to wait around forever for him to get his act together. Everything is always my fault, not his.

I know you don't know me, since I don't really go here, but if you ever want to talk, I'm here.

[Deleted]

If it feels abusive, it is. I am sorry you are in this situation. I hope there are successful options for him because even if you leave he needs to get it together for your kids.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry.

After getting out of a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship and subsequently going on to have two "normal" and healthy relationships, in my opinion that kind of behavior is not ok. No one deserves to be yelled at in a harsh manner. Plus, the feeling of having to walk on egg shells is the worse.

Big hugs to you.

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Heyyyy babs, just here to say I am so sorry you're hurting. And that he's hurting you. Anger sucks. Dealing with someone else's anger sucks SO MUCH. Big hugs

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Fucking eggshells, man

[Eagles]

I'm sorry, bab.

[lilac05]

I'm sorry.

I hope he can get some help with his anger. Even if it's too late for your marriage, he has a lifetime of parenting ahead of him. Your girls deserve to have a dad who can control his anger & can teach them how to do the same.

As my mom would say, "Sometimes 'sorry' doesn't cut it. You have to DO something about it." Or Daniel Tiger's words of wisdom, "Saying I'm sorry is the first step, then how can I help?"

[DotAndBuzz]

((((((hugs))))))

[circa1978]

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this.

Disrespect toward me in front of my child - or abusive behavior - is my hill to die on. I also come from an abusive background. Nothing hurt or lingered like the emotional aspect. It gets into your head and effects how you think about yourself, how your kids think about you and how your kids think about themselves.

There aren't easy lines in this kind of thing - that makes it particularly difficult. Trust yourself.

[mrsukyankee]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, but it's time for him to get help, especially as he's doing this in front of the kids. I wonder when he's going to turn it on them...and that would scare me into forcing my hand. Best of luck.

[underwaterrhymes]

I'm so sorry bab.

Whether it's abusive or not, it's for sure not okay.

[underwaterrhymes]

Also, if you want a break, you are always welcome to come visit. Mi casa es su casa.