If you've lost someone important in your life

[greekypie]

Do you ever get to the point where you don't feel a giant gaping hole in your being when you think of them?

I'm only a few months out, so I know my emotions are still a little raw. Ok, maybe a lot.

But I just accidentally saw a photograph and it feels like the first day. It took my breath away.

Does this keep happening? Like, years from now?

[Deleted]

Ditto swank. I've been dreaming about my dad a lot lately, but it's weird. The dreams aren't sad or anything. We're just doing regular things together like eating sandwiches.

({) greeky (})

[AAM2012]

To a certain extent it gets better. Its been 8 years since I lost my grandfather and I am ok until I hear a song that reminds me of him and then I get sad and emotional. I hope you start feeling better soon.

[lanyac]

Aug 27, 2012 21:21:04 GMT -5 greekypie said:

Do you ever get to the point where you don't feel a giant gaping hole in your being when you think of them?

I'm only a few months out, so I know my emotions are still a little raw. Ok, maybe a lot.

But I just accidentally saw a photograph and it feels like the first day. It took my breath away.

Does this keep happening? Like, years from now?

I know exactly how you feel. My aunt died a few months ago, and when I think about her or see something in my house of hers (I have a painting and a carved elephant) it feels like it just happened. I hope it gets better for you.

[mollz007]

In my experience, the pain will become more bearable as time goes on, but that feeling of loss is always going to be there. Eventually you will start to have more good days than bad days, but then you have those moments where you hear a song that reminds you of that person, or, in my case, come across their phone number in your cell, and you feel like you're right back where you've started.

I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better. Everybody has their own way of dealing with grief.

I am sorry for your loss. Sending T&P's your way!

[Awkward]

I lost my grandmother (nana) ten years ago in October. It gets better, but I don't think it ever really goes away. I wish she could have met my SO and I'm sad she won't be here when I get married and have children some day. It depends on your personal beliefs, but I get a great comfort in that I believe she is watching over me.

({) (}) for your loss.

[midnightmare81]

It gets easier, but it doesnt go away. You still have that part of your heart that doesnt fully heal, but you learn to live. My step dad passed away 6 years ago, and some things still make me blubber like a baby... certain songs, thinking about my wedding without him... but time heals but it never fully goes away

[heygrey]

yes and no. there is more time lapse between feeling that huge gaping hole. initially i would break down every few hours, then days, then weeks, and now it's maybe once every couple months. but the break downs are still miserable and dramatic and they feel just as raw as it did that first day. it's been 3.5 years... idk how/if it will change in the future.

i'm so sorry for your loss.

[Deleted]

I lost my grandmother in 2005, she was very important to me and we were very close. We lost her suddenly. To this day, I miss her horribly and get teary sometimes. The first 6 months were the worst, I felt raw and empty all the time.

So, time heals some, but I wouldn't expect to ever be completely over it. Just, maybe, accepting of it.

Miss you Grandma.

[Deleted]

I have lost both of my grandfathers, the one I was closer to than the other even though he lived 600mi away. I thought I was OK with it all, but then a few weeks ago we were watching about the rover thing landing on Mars and I got really upset/sad. If this happened 5 years ago I would have gotten a call that morning asking if I was going to stay up to watch it and he would have been so pumped about it. He passed away in 2009.

[vccake]

I lost my mom in January. You know how you wake up and you just assume the floor will be there for your feet? I feel like the floor left and I am figuring out gravity again.

I am eight months out now and it is a bit easier but it will never be the same. I feel her a lot and it gives me comfort. I have had to redefine a lot in my life and I definitely have happier days and don't cry as much. The fragility of life can take your breath away so I am learning to really absorb the daily happiness in life -- if that makes sense. I am sorry for what you are going through.

[CallingAllAngels]

My dad died 16 years ago, and sometimes I feel guilty that it doesn't impact my life more. However, there are still times when the grief will take my breath away.

I am sorry for your loss. Hugs.

[KaraOrNot]

I lost my dad 3 years ago. I no longer have that constant raw feeling, but certain things still trigger it. I have been very emotional lately and have been breaking down more when I think of him or find a random note or picture.

[starlily]

It's been about 10 months since I lost my dad. While I still think about him every day, I'm not the crying mess I was the first few months. So it does get better, but that overwhelming sadness still hits at times.

Hugs to you.

[nk]

For me - no.
It has never gotten better...it's gotten different. Its not a constant hurt - its like random stabs of hurt.
Does that even make sense?

[orangeblossom]

It does get better, but the hole never closed. For me on a day-to-day basis, I'm good. I can talk about my mother's passing without getting upset. The things that make it better is that she's just always a part of what I do. For instance my sister and I were shopping the other day and we saw a dress that my mother would have loved. My sister and I said "that's a mommy dress" and talked about how she'd be plotting as figuring out when and where she could wear it. It's the same for food she may like,things she would be happy about. We know she's with us in spirit. She truly was an awesome mother, sister and friend and just knowing the love she put out and the love she received from people and people still three years later talk about what a good person she was and how they deeply miss her makes it easier.

On the flipside, because it's not all puppies and rainbows, there are songs that set me off, mother's day is hard, the anniversary of her death is hard. No matter how much you tell yourself you're not going to cry, be sad, etc for xyz milestone day, you do. It's like a magnet and you get pulled in.

I'm getting to the age where more of my friends are losing parent's and other loved ones, and one thing I've learned is that your grief is your own and no one can tell you how to grieve and for how long.

[dexteroni]

Aug 27, 2012 21:31:43 GMT -5 heygrey said:

yes and no. there is more time lapse between feeling that huge gaping hole. initially i would break down every few hours, then days, then weeks, and now it's maybe once every couple months. but the break downs are still miserable and dramatic and they feel just as raw as it did that first day.

This is almost exactly my situation. The hole never goes away, but most of the time it feels a little less raw. But sometimes something will set me off and the hole feels as gaping and raw as ever. The worst things are the ones that take me by surprise. The ones I know about - anniversaries of special days, etc. - I'm at least prepared for those. But when random reminders pop up of things you would have shared with the person, or things happen that you know they would have loved, man, it's still rough. But even then, those moments "heal over" more quickly than they used to.

I wish I could offer you better advice. I'm really sorry for your loss.

[greekypie]

Aug 27, 2012 21:47:55 GMT -5 nk said:

For me - no.
It has never gotten better...it's gotten different. Its not a constant hurt - its like random stabs of hurt.
Does that even make sense?

Yes of course.

Thanks for the kind words, everyone.

[Roc A Bee]

My mom died 13 years ago. It has definitely improved over the years, but I still break down every few months. It is rarely on Mother's day, Christmas, or her birthday. It is almost always at random, unexpected moments.

[savannah11]

I was just thinking about this. I lost my mom 7 1/2 years ago. DS is starting kindergarten in a week. This weekend I was thinking about how my mom never even got to meet him and how much she would love him. I did the ugly cry.

Then I thought about how grief is a weight I will carry forever. I came out of the fog of the first year a long time ago, but it's always there just below the surface. I can live a happy and fulfilled life but I will never shed that weight.

[sugarbear]

It's been 29 years since my mom died and I still think about her every day. Obviously, my grief has changed since I was only 7 when she died. I certainly don't feel raw or lost anymore, but I do feel a pretty profound sense of loss. The holidays are hard because I have distinct memories of her last Christmas, and she died shortly after.

My grandparents have all passed in the last two years, and I really try to focus on all the good they brought to my life. It helps, I think. I no longer miss them to the extent that it's painful.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[bqbride]

I have lost too many to name. Sometimes it sucks less/more than others, but it doesnt ever not suck.

[thelongroad]

When I lost my grandfather almost 11 years ago I was beyond devastated. My grandparents were the stability in my life that I didn't get from my parents. It took a long time but I can now see a picture of my grandfather and not cry. Instead I am finally to the point where I am able to think happy thoughts. It's hard when my children ask about him and an additional challenge was added when my son was born on his birthday. But yes, it does become easier, I promise!

[MixedBerryJam]

I think there are too many variables for a simple answer to this question: the relationship, the circumstances around the death, the support system you have in place, whether you had the chance to say goodbye, whther the loved one you lost was at peace in his or her life ... My husband died 2 1/2 years ago. In the first days/weeks/months/year+, he was foremost in my thoughts and in my heart (well, except for my kids) every moment of every day. Even now I bet I don't go two hours without thinking of him.

I miss my husband with every molecule in my body, but if I'm honest with you, yes, it does get easier, but not because it hurts less, but because as I am further out from the crashing pain I felt that Sunday morning, it has freed me up to enjoy the memories, if that makes sense. I'm not so busy hurting anymore, so there is space in my heart to enjoy the sweet memories. I love talking about him, and in fact was just out to dinner with the wives of some of his colleagues tonight. Part of it is also a way to honor him: he would certainly not want me wearing a black mantilla, living with the shades closed.

Add to that the fact that I am beyond grateful to God or fate or whoever is responsible for bringing him into my life, and grateful to him for the role he played, and even in his absence continues to play, in making me the person I am today, including being a person who can still breathe after losing the person who breathed joy into my heart.

Plus, he is with me every minute of every day. This, I know.

[DarcyLongfellow]

Greeky, I'm sorry for your loss.

I haven't been on here enough recently to know who you lost. I think that the loss of different people can affect you very differently.

I was close with both of my grandmothers, and I still miss both of them. I am sad that they can't be here now, but I generally don't cry about missing them. I'm easily able to remember the happy memories and share those with my daughter.

My brother's death is harder to deal with. Thirteen years ago, my younger brother died suddenly at the age of 18. There are still moments where something will remind me of, not of him, exactly, because I can think of him and our memories together without getting upset. But something will make me think of, my grief I suppose, and I'll need to cry. Sometimes I just cry somewhat quietly while listening to a song on the radio, but sometimes I need to just sob for a while, and sometimes I still need to do the ugly cry and just wallow in it for a while.

But the state of my grief now is much, much better than it was 13 years ago. I think the feelings are the same, but they don't constantly overwhelm you after a while. They come over you like waves, and when the death is very fresh, the waves are coming so quickly that you don't really get a break. But gradually the waves get less and less frequent.

As for the giant gaping hole, I think it's always there. But you learn to deal with it. Also, don't be surprised when different things about your loss bother you over time. You learn to deal with the immediate tragedy, and then a couple years later a fresh aspect of it will broadside you. But then you'll eventually manage that as well.

If you're really struggling, I'd really encourage you to find a counselor. Or a support group. After my brother died my parents joined a group called the Compassionate Friends which is for people who have lost a child (or a sibling, I believe). They got a lot of comfort from that group.

[mbcdefg]

It's been a week since my dad died, and I don't think it's fully hit me yet. I barely cried during the wake/funeral. I kept telling myself that it was because he was truly suffering and its better that he's at peace, but honestly I'm incredibly afraid of the day when it really hits home for me that he's gone forever.

[awick14]

I lost my Papa (grandpa) just over a year ago. He passed on his 70th birthday, which was 1 month after my wedding. (to the day)

I never grieved properly for him at the time of his death as I was in such a shock. (even though it was a long time coming).

My papa saved my life when I was a child. I have this horrible memory of thinking I am dying, (I was choking on some food) but then papa comes out of no where an saves me. Since he has passed I often wake up in true middle of that memory but only now he is trying to save me but there is a piece of glass or something between us, so I choke an pass out. Which is when I normally wake up.

I really hope it gets better for you. I am working with a counselor to hopefully work through this, as well as some other things.

[WOT?*]

I am very sorry for your loss Greek. And yours too mbc. I think you've gotten a lot of wonderful responses because every person processes grief differently, and every loss to that person is a different loss.

I lost my grandfather about fifteen years ago. We had a good relationship and he was a loving grandfather and a great man. The grief isn't so much as the memories of him now make me smile.

My grandmother died about five years ago. I was blessed to have her; she was the most stable and loving and influential person in my life. From her I learned to bake, parent, be a family and make do with two strings and a tin can, McGyver style, if money was tight. I moved across the country and in doing so didn't "bother" to see her when I should have. She had Alzheimer's and didn't know the difference, I told myself. I didn't have money to see her, or vacation time, and I had to send the kids to their dad, etc. Always a story as to why time kept slipping away. I got a call one morning to say she wasn't doing well and three hours later a call saying that she had died. That is the hardest one I've ever had to deal with; the guilt still eats at me to this day. Even if she never knew who I was or that I was there, I[/u] knew I hadn't taken the time to visit her until it was too late and I was viewing her in her casket. But with it I learned that it's not too late to make changes, and I am grateful for that because I took the time to visit my dad, regardless of the time and cost, because those visits are priceless.

I lost my father in July and his wife in August. I wasn't close to his wife but he loved her and she loved him and she was there for him and took care of him until she was exhausted. Because of her, he never had bedsores, he was as healthy as a person bedridden with Alzheimer's could possibly be. She was the only person that could make him smile and blow kisses until the day he died. And for that I will be forever grateful no matter the circumstances or the situation.

I loved my dad without reservation. He was my guy and I was his little girl, always. The loss is less painful because I was honestly glad to see him go. He had been bedridden with Alzheimer's for the past year, immobile for the past two and suffering from dementia for the past ten and more. His mother lingered for more than fifteen years tied to a bed suffering from Alzheimer's and I am so glad and grateful that my father did not suffer the same fate. I miss the man he was and I've been mourning that person for many years. The loss wasn't as quick and painful and I think he was lucky to not be suffering any longer, so the grief is lessened by gratitude.

MBJ, what you said about your husband is beautiful. It made me choke up even more than typing and thinking about my dad. Your husband was as blessed to have you as you were to have him.

[mayflowers22]

I lost my grandfather 11 years ago and it still hurts me to think about it.

[Deleted]

I have lost both of my parents, 2 nieces and the remaining 2 grandparents in the last decade. My parents being the most recent at less than 5 years ago.

The hurt dulls, the pain dulls but the feelings of loss still haven't dulled for me. All of their deaths were sudden and I never had a chance to say goodbye to any of them.

I seem to be hit hardest at strange times, when doing normal, everyday things.

I'm sorry for all of your losses. It's one of the hardest parts of living is the losing.