Recognizing 1 year sober

[lovelovelove]

Hi everyone! sorry I haven't posted in a bit- crazy holidays.

I just realized that my H is coming up on 1 year sober in the next couple of weeks. Honestly I don't even know the date bc the day he had his last drink was literally the worst day of my life and the whole week was a haze. But I know it's coming up soon- I have it in a journal that I haven't wanted to look at.

He doesn't talk to me much about his recovery process. Occasionally he'll tell me he got a milestone chip at a meeting. I have a lot of things that are still road blocking me from trusting him and feeling close again. My therapist has me on a plan to at least address those issues, but it hasn't happened yet.

All that to say- I know this has been hard for him and I'm proud of him for dedicating himself to being sober. I think want to do something for him to recognize that.

But I'm conflicted bc I don't want him to take that as "all things are forgiven", you know? He is/(was?) working the steps with his sponsor but hasn't attempted to truly apologize to me. At least to me a serious apology and full acknowledgement of stuff that happened has not come. That's one of the reasons I still feel distant from him.

Help? Advice? If I do something to recognize the year, any recommendations on what to do?

Sorry that's so long! I was just going to ask for suggestions on recognizing his 1 year, but as I started typing lots of thoughts came to me.

Thanks! Hope everyone is well and had great holidays

[flex]

I have no tips, but I think saying "I notice it's been a year since your last drink. I wanted to let you know that I am very happy about your milestone, and am so proud of you."

Are you going to Al-Anon?

[lovelovelove]

Thanks, I'll remember those words.

I haven't been to al-anon in a bit. Excuses excuses for not getting there.

[flex]

I ask because it'll be helpful to come to terms with the fact that you have expectations of a serious apology. If he has a sponsor and he's working the Steps, I think he's doing the best he can to clean up his "side of the street". But it may not be handled the way you think he should do it. Does this make sense? I'm not trying to be snarky.

[lovelovelove]

I get it and didn't read it as snarky at all. I appreciate the thoughts on that. I think part of my expectation is that he's told me an apology is coming but it's something he's still working on. that was at least a month or two ago though and he hasn't updated me so I'm not sure where we stand. But I know some of that falls on me.

[Deleted]

I think flex gave you good words to use. Tell him you realize it's been a whole year and you are extremely proud of him. That would mean a lot.

As far as an apology, it sounds like he is working on his apology (or amends) to you. Give it a little more time. If he's working his program, that's good. Let him know you are interested if he'd ever like to talk about what he is doing or thinking.

As an aside, my H only asks "did you have a good meeting?" Sometimes, I talk about AA, but I get the feeling he'd rather not talk about my recovery. He's supportive, but just doesn't want to know the details. Once in a while, I'll tell him the topic of the meeting, but he really knows very little about what goes on in AA. Obviously, he's not in Al-Anon.

Congratulations to your H. A year of sobriety is huge!

[malibu]

Congratulations to your H. I think what flex said is great.

I totally understand your fear of him feeling like all is forgiven, especially when he hasn't given you a real apology.

[giamia]

Congrats to your H!