Please tell me it'll all be OK

[Deleted]

Hi, I'm new here though I've been lurking for quite some time. I guess I'm just kind of looking for comfort, as the reality of a divorce is settling in and I'm feeling very alone and afraid.

My husband and I have had a rocky year. There was some spark/physical chemistry missing in our marriage which led to infidelity. I found out and he ended up moving out for a few months to "figure things out". During that time I asked him to at least respect me and our relationship by being honest, open, and faithful with me. He agreed, and moved back in at the end of December saying that he wanted to try to work things out.

Come to find out last night that he was still seeing this other woman while he was moved out. I haven't been able to get in touch with him since about 4pm yesterday because he's "traveling for work", which I now 100% believe to be total bullshit. I don't see anything he could say or do at this point that will keep me around. I'm tired of working so hard to rebuild trust and have him shit all over it.

Financially I'm OK, though we do have a house that we may have to take a loss on in order to sell in the near term. What I'm really worried about is my social life. We've been together since I was 16 (I'm now 28) and all of my best friends are his brothers'/BF's wives. I feel like they're all "his" friends and I doubt I'll feel inclined to hang out in groups anymore since he'll always be there. I generally have a tough time making new friends since I'm a little shy at first. My parents live in town so I'll at least have them to spend time with. I really love his parents, who we were supposed to go visit in two weeks, and I'll be sad to have them out of my life too.

Any words of wisdom for getting through this time would be much appreciated. I know in a lot of ways that I'm lucky to have financial independence, family close by, etc. but I'm terrified of growing old with no partner by my side to enjoy life with me. Thanks for reading and letting me get this off my chest!

[redshoejune]

It will be OK but it won't be easy. Being alone feels better than being with someone who treats you like you don't matter. I have found this to be true but I still have to remind myself sometimes. I miss my ex's family a lot, that has been one of the hardest things about my divorce. I had been with him from when I was 15 to 32.

But you can do this and you deserve better.

[bg]

I'm sorry you're going through this! Divorce does usually mean big changes, which can bring up a lot of emotion. It's great that you have family close by and you'll be ok financially. Do you have any hobbies or interests that you can become more involved in to make new friends? Are there meetups near you?

Try not worry about the future (I know it's hard not to do this!). You never know what's going to happen in the future -- be open to meeting great people and doing fun things.

[brooke77]

It's hard but you deserve better. You will find your way. Don't be afraid to lean on your family and friends right now. There are more people in your life than you realize. Also, take time to reconnect with yourself - your hobbies and passions.

I was with my ex for 10 years and at first it was hard missing mutual friends and his family. But it gets easier!

[pandora]

Be strong and stand your ground that you deserve better because you definitely do. You will meet new friends and I'm sure if you're honest and mature about moving in and they respect you, you may have an opportunity to have relationshipservice with the same folks but maybe, for your own healing, not as often. You're still young and with meetup and so.many other online planned activities you will be branching out to meet new friends when you are ready. It'll be scary at first but I promise that you will start having fun. Start thinking about hobbies that you'd like to learn, maybe learn a new sport - start learning about who you are and will be in your newfound freedom! It's difficult before it's easy but I promise that you will get through it and you will be a stronger person on the other side. Hugs! Lean on your parents and stay strong. Don't allow yourself to be taken advantage of anymore. You're doing the right thing as hard as it is and will be for a bit.

[daisyn]

Divorce is hard but it is worth it! You're 28, you have your whole life ahead of you to make new friends and meet someone that will treat you like you deserve. Take one day at a time.

[Deleted]

Thanks for the encouragement. I signed up for a few local meetup groups today. Now I just need to hold my ground. I keep finding myself wanting to believe that THIS time things really will change but I've got to stop doing that to myself. I don't think even counseling would help me get over the multiple betrayals of trust. It's just so hard to imagine such a big change to my life You ladies are all so strong!

[abcdefu]

I am so sorry you are here, but welcome. First, you should be proud of yourself for kicking him to the curb. I know how you feel. My ex cheated and was cheating all the while we were going to marriage counseling. I was also with him since I was 16 and only had friends that were wives of his friends.

I am sharing this because when I left, I felt I didn't have any friends. I changed jobs, met new friends, and created my own social life.

It will get better. You will have a roller coaster of emotions, but you will realize that you are better off being single than being in a marriage with a cheater and liar.

Big HUGS to you! The ladies here are fabulous!

[abcdefu]

@travelinlady, Also, you are so young! You will have plenty of time to meet someone. If you are having a difficult time emotionally, ie: feeling depressed, you may want to find a counselor to help get you through some of this!

[bg]

It can be overwhelming when you look at it in total, but try to take it one step at a time. You've made some great first steps!

[glitzyglow]

Hello:

I also started dating my exH on my 16th birthday and we were together 11 years. There is life on the other side and it will be okay. You will make new friends. I actually moved to a city where I didn't know a soul other than my roommate and I have friends now, so I promise, you'll make friends.

Healing will take time. My exH also cheated on me and time does make a difference, although I know it doesn't feel that way when you're in the mix of it. Therapy is a very useful tool for dealing and coping with the betrayals.

And no reason to worry about not spending your life with anyone...that's a negative worry that's unfounded and not really doing you any good.

[1confused1]

Sorry you are here.

It's not easy, but you will be ok.

[bl]

Sorry that you find yourself here, but welcome. I was with exh from 18-28 and felt very similar to you. I ended up moving out of state where I knew no one and through meet-up and this board I actually have some girls I consider great friends now. I still keep in touch with a couple of our mutual friends, but the relationship has changed and that is okay.

[Deleted]

I know it's hard, but you will be ok. You will move on and create a new life--one that's better than before.

[bullygirl979]

It will be okay, promise. I was in a very similar situation. Of all "our" friends were mostly his friends so I started completely over when I divorced him. In a way, it was kind of cool because I got to meet a lot of people doing things that I had always wanted to try but never had the guts to: kayak racing, running a half marathon, etc.

I'm over 9 years out from my divorce and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Yes, there were times where it was hard but I can't tell you how awesome it is to be with someone that respects me and respects our relationship. And, FTR, I was 27 when I split from my XH so I was in a very similar spot in life to where you are.

[arielroux]

You will be ok! Give yourself time to grieve the relationship.

As far as the friend issue, I had a similar situation. My ExH and I were together for 13 years, married for 8 of those. His friends' wives became my friends. When I had girls' nights out, it was with the wives. My ExH and I split up in May, and I will say, that the wives of "our" friends have made an effort to stay in touch. I realized that we weren't just friends because we happened to be married to men who were friends. We became friends in our own right. I am still invited to kids' birthday parties (and yes, ExH is there too). We still do girls' nights out. Don't be afraid to reach out to them and make plans. They are your friends too!

I've also become close to girls that I work with. I was amazed at how they rallied around me and made sure I wasn't home alone all weekend when ExH and I first split up. I wouldn't have made it through those first couple months without them.

You have friends (probably more than you realize), and you will make more friends. I thought I'd sit home alone forever when ExH and I first split up. Turns out, I've had maybe 3-4 weekends where I've had no plans since that time, and they were GLORIOUS. You'll be busier than you realize. When you're ready, you now get to create the life YOU want for yourself. You get to be your own person. And you will LOVE IT.

Also, where are you located? If you're in the Philly area, I'm always up for a night out!

[flatlan]

Big hugs to you! Divorce is hard! You have gotten some great advice already on here. I'm going to echo some of the other posters by saying be kind to yourself and realize that processing all these emotions takes time. I found going to therapy very helpful.

[Deleted]

Well, telling him that I am ready to move on actually went a little easier for me than I thought it would. I guess it was more of a matter-of-fact, this is what NEEDS to happen conversation and less of an emotional decision for me than I expected. I also managed to go look at an apartment on my own today without bursting into tears. Small victories!

Thank you all so much for your support and kind words. I know it's going to be a tough journey but one worth making.

[jojoandleo]

@travelinlady,be kind to yourself! Reach out to those friends, like said above, you all are probably friends for reasons outside your respective spouses. MH and I were couple best friends with a couple that recently divorced. We are both still friends with both. Granted, I was closer to the wife and still am and he was closer to the husband and still is, but H comes with me to her birthday, and I went with H to his.

Also, maybe this is a good opportunity for you to figure out who you WANT to be friends with. What do YOU look for in a good friend? Join meet-ups, take a yoga class/spin/book club/whatever you like and meet people there. There are GBCN meet-ups sometimes, see if you live near anyone here and can join!

I am glad the convo went well. *hugs*

[somersault72]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I got divorced 2 weeks after I turned 30. I have made several new wonderful friends. Good for you for signing up for some meetups! I have done several things I probably never would have done had I stayed married (doing a half marathon comes to mind). However you're feeling is OK and normal. Just be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve. It's a process for sure. Good luck!

[glynn]

You will be fine. 28 is young to start over. I am 42 and I am feeling good about my future starting over.

[itsmyparty]

I have a similar situation when it comes to friends right now. I've realized that much of the time my STBEH and I have spent with friends over our 10 year relationship has been with "mutual" friends that were really his friends to begin with. They're all significantly older than me, and although I was the one that probably nurtured those relationships over the years, now that we're divorcing I'm definitely feeling like they're becoming "his" friends. It's been a little sad for me. But you know what? My old friends, who I haven't seen nearly enough in recent years because I've learned they just never really liked my husband, have come to my side and out of the wood work to support me. That includes their support of me moving to an all new city in a different state so I can start fresh - and make all new friends. It will suck having to build new friendships, but I know it will help me leave the past behind. And I'd rather be enjoying my alone time, doing whatever I want, than be with someone who makes me feel insignificant, unworthy of love or affection, or lonely. I've felt lonelier at times in my marriage than I did when I was single.

Btw, I was 28 when I MET my husband. I'm 38 now and starting over. And I'm not worried. I know I'll date who/when I want to. I know if I want to be in a relationship again, I will be. And this time it will be with a lot more wisdom on my side. 

[berbles]

I'll reiterate what everyone said! I was with XH from 18-30 and I assumed that most of our friends were "his" friends. After we split, I had several people tell me directly that if they had to choose sides, they were on my side. I was pretty shocked. I always assumed people liked him and I was just part of the package. Turns out a LOT more people than I realized were only tolerating him so they could stay friends with me!

So don't assume people will only choose his friendship. They're your friends too! Sure, some won't be able to stay friends with both of you, but don't assume anything.

Also, splitting from XH actually IMPROVED my social life. Because now I don't have to go anywhere I don't want to and get to go anywhere I do! I became a regular at my neighborhood dive/karaoke bar and have made some amazing friends. I never had close girlfriends growing up or in my 20s, and now I do! I never would have met these women if it weren't for my divorce.

Oh, and I met my BF because of (but not AT) that bar. So there's that too.