(((hugs))) I am glad that the therapist is helping him to see what you (and all of us, lol) saw the whole time. I can see where, from his side, the friendship felt good, he liked the attention. But I'm glad that he is now prioritizing his family over the ego boost. I can't imagine the hurt you have at his initial reaction to you confronting him about the friendship. I wish you the best in however you decide to move forward.
Big hugs. It's really great that you're both working through this, even if it feels like this giant hurdle you don't know if you can get over right now. The biggest issue that broke down my parents' marriage (resulting in them living like roommates for the last 17 years) was that my Dad felt/feels MUCH the same as your H (not needed, like he had to compete with us girls for attention), and my Mom is the definition of bootstraps, so instead of looking inward and working with him to fix that, she dug in her heels. Anyway, not about my parents, I just wanted to share that joint counseling is a great thing you're doing even if it's overwhelming rn.
I can delete the details about my parents' relationship up there if you need me to.
Hugs for you. I'm glad you are talking about things. Thinking about you as you continue to work through things and decide which steps you want to take next...and if those steps changed over time, that's OK, too!
Huge hugs to you. I think it's great that you're making the effort to understand how your actions made your H feel, but just remember that you aren't responsible for the choices he made. I hope counseling brings you some clarity on what comes next.
Hugs. I'm glad to see that there is progress.
And to the above, I agree - it's great that you're trying to understand your role in all of this but he made his own choices too. And also, this kind of becomes "what came first, the chicken or the egg?". He's saying "it's because you did A that I did B", where as you may be able to point out where "well, because you did C, I did D". As I know you know, it's really never that simple. You BOTH need to understand your roles in this.
I'm really worried that you've set yourself up to take the blame here.
agreed.
It kind of reads like "my wife wouldn't have sex with me, and this other woman WOULD have sex with me, and made me feel great about myself, so...."
Obviously not exactly the same, since that's physical and this isn't, but in NO WAY is this 100% on you. If he felt that way, the solution isn't becoming besties with another woman who you told him, repeatedly, is a problem in your marriage. The problem is circular, to a degree, in that one issue fed into the other, which propagated the original issue, but he had at least an equal part in this, especially considering how many times you asked him to cut it off, and he flat out refused and was deceitful.
Don't let anyone put this all on you, therapist or otherwise. Nope.
((((((hugs))))))
ETA - I'm glad you're having a dialogue, and hope you can reach a point where you are at peace and can begin to move forward, wherever that place may be. I'm also happy to dd this if there's too many specifics. Many many good thoughts for you.
I'm glad you guys are in counseling and both being open and honest with each other.
Marriage can be so hard. Good luck with whatever choice you make.
This is exactly what I wanted to say but couldn't find the words.
As someone who is in therapy (both individual and marriage), I understand what it's like to sit in a chair and listen to your spouse and a therapist and have revelations that I didn't have before. They can be good or bad, but nonetheless, the more knowledge you have at your fingertips about your relationship, the better you can make decisions about the future.
Not sure if I'm making sense here.
Either way, I've been thinking about you SP and hope you find peace soon.
Post by mrsukyankee on Feb 4, 2016 12:30:57 GMT -5
Glad that the therapy is bringing out things that you can both work on, even if the relationships ends. It will mean you will know more about yourself and how to handle things than ever before. Best of luck to you both.