"Promise me you won't put me in a nursing home"

[jeaniebueller]

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www.washingtonpost.com/local/social-issues/promise-youll-never-put-me-in-a-nursing-home/2016/02/08/1ce8737c-cb62-11e5-a7b2-5a2f824b02c9_story.html?hpid=hp_hp-top-table-main_promise925p%3Ahomepage%2Fstory

Whenever Sarah Harris and her husband, Ernie, drove past a nursing home, he would say the same thing: That’s where you’re going to put me. That’s where I’m going to be sent.

“I would say, ‘No, I don’t think that’s going to happen,’ ” said Harris, of Fairfax, Va.

Her husband had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease at 53. She was 10 years younger and believed she could care for him until the end.

“I knew that he did not like nursing homes,” she said. “His dad lived in a retirement community, and he really did not like facilities.”

His fears, and her assurances, mirror conversations that are playing out increasingly between husbands and wives, children and parents, and others as the population of older Americans swells. By 2050, the number of people 85 and older is projected to triple.

Promise you won’t put me away. It is hard to say no to that request. But it often is even harder to honor it.

For many, the idea of being sent to a facility implies abandonment. Older Americans remember the poorhouse , where the old and infirm were hidden away to die. But many younger people also are repelled by the idea.

There’s now a wider spectrum of facilities catering to different levels of need, but even the best ones can feel institutional. Daily life is often rigidly regulated, robbing residents of autonomy, and the familiar faces and spaces of a person’s life are gone.

Like many caregivers, Harris was concerned that being in an institution would hasten her husband’s decline. People in her position engage in a constant calculus: How long can you hold a job, take care of a declining loved one, and stay healthy before something cracks? Where is the line between self-abnegation and self-preservation? How do you balance the best interests of the sick person and those of other family members?

A couple of generations ago, families were more likely to care for their parents at home — but people didn’t live as long. Thanks to modern medicine, even those with devastating illnesses such as Alzheimer’s can live many years past their diagnoses. But caring for them at home becomes increasingly difficult as cognition and self-care skills worsen. Safety, of the patients and of other family members, can also become a factor.

But even if the spouse or parent gets to the point of not being able to remember the promise — Promise you won’t put me away — the caregiver remembers.

“Oftentimes people feel duty-bound to do what they said they would do,” said Ruth Drew, director of family and information services at the Alzheimer’s Association’s national office. “They have no idea what they’re signing up for. They haven’t thought about what it’s like to take care of someone who’s a foot taller than you and needs to be lifted to be bathed or put to bed.”To Bill Thomas, a geriatrician who is working to change American attitudes about old age, the promise is a red herring. “It’s actually the only thing we know how to do because we don’t have the actual language to say what we’re really asking: ‘Promise me you’ll protect my dignity, promise you’ll protect my privacy, promise to make sure I don’t live in pain.’

“Ironically the promise has led to significant amounts of abuse and neglect, because there’s a limit to what people can do.”

[We’re lucky if we get to be old, physician and professor believes]

It wouldn’t be necessary, he points out, if people demanded more from the nation’s nursing homes.

“The nursing home industry has, ironically, benefited tremendously from the low expectations people have,” Thomas said. “They have successfully persuaded people that you’ve got no other choice — it’s got to be cold and sterile and rigid.”

Caregiving can take a severe financial toll, and studies have shown higher rates of depression, physical illnesses and mortality among family caregivers. And yet the impulse to keep a loved one at home is powerful.

Shari Sullivan, 55, swore to care for both her husband, who had Alzheimer’s, and her mother, who is 85 and lives with her.

“My vows were, ‘For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health,’ ” said Sullivan, an accountant who lives in Woodbridge, Va. “The vows don’t stop just because he got sick.” Also, she believed that living apart from their young daughter would have accelerated his decline. “It would have just crushed him.”

With other family members helping, she was able to manage for five years. Then a fall sent her husband to the hospital; he died six weeks later from complications. Her mother still lives with her, with home health care covered by long-term care insurance.
She said, ‘If I ever got Alzheimer’s, I want you to put me in a nursing home.’ And you know what? I still would not put her in a nursing home,” Sullivan said. “There’s no why or why not. . . . She may need me, but I need her more.”

However, Sullivan has forbidden her daughter from doing the same. “I don’t want caregiving to become her life.”

For Harris, a defining moment came three years after her husband’s diagnosis. She called home one day from her job as a preschool teacher to tell him his sandwich was in the refrigerator. He did not answer. The answering machine picked up, with her voice on it, confusing him. He later told her, “I could hear you but I couldn’t find you.”

With two children at home, she realized she could no longer keep him there safely. But that didn’t make it any easier. Because it wasn’t just Ernie she’d made the promise to.

“I was making the promise to myself. I felt like I was letting myself down — I should be able to do this. It broke my heart. It was one of the worst days of my life, the day I put him in a nursing home.”

The feeling that one has failed to keep the promise adds to the stress of placing someone in a facility, said Gary Small, director of the Division of Geriatric Psychology at UCLA’s School of Medicine.

“It’s always best to not make promises you can’t keep or qualify,” he said. “You could say, ‘Look, mom, I know you want to stay in your home, and we’re going to do whatever we can to keep you there, but . . . there could be things that you don’t anticipate.’”

Talking it through early while everyone is still healthy can help. So can doctors or support groups, which can affirm when a move to a facility would be in everyone’s best interest.

There are also those who won’t make the promise. A woman Drew worked with said her daughter would joke, Oh, mama, don’t worry, I’ll find you a nice nursing home when the time comes. “Her daughter was kind of letting her know that was a boundary for her, that she wasn’t ready to stop her career and become a full-time caregiver.”

But such discussions can take ugly turns.

I’ve even heard, ‘If you put me in a nursing home, you’ll be cut out of my will,’ ” said Leah Eskenazi, operations director at the Family Caregiver Alliance. “It becomes complicated when someone gets dementia because you can’t have a conversation with them.”

Others expressly reject making such a request.

Paul Hornback’s father and grandmother had had dementia, and he saw the toll caregiving can take. So when Hornback, a mechanical engineer for the Defense Department, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2009, he and his wife visited memory care facilities near their home in Hodgenville, Ky., until he found a couple that he liked.

“I wanted to see them first while I could still make a decision,” Hornback, 61, said. “Of course, I want to stay home as long as I can . . . but I’d want to leave my house and go to a unit if I am unsafe or harmful to other people.”

He has put together a box of items he would like to bring with him, including photographs of family and of his time in the military, and his Bible.

Reston, Va., resident Evelyn Brown, 64, and her husband, Ernie, made a sort of reverse promise: After nearly 40 years of marriage, her husband told her he would want to go to a facility if he became seriously ill. “Would you be strong enough to do that if it came down to I had some kind of disease and required that?” she recalled him asking.

“I said yes, I would be strong enough,” Brown said, and he made the same vow to her. A few years later, at 65, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

“The only thing he asked me to promise him was to not put him in a facility and walk away from him, and I have not done that,” she said. Two years after his diagnosis, she placed him in an assisted-living facility, where she visits him three to four times a w eek.

“As much as I would like to have my husband home with me, I ­understand that it’s not what’s best for him, and it’s not what’s best for me,” Brown said.

As agonizing as it was, Harris’s decision to put her husband in a facility helped her know he was safe and allowed her to take better care of her children. Her husband died 18 months later. She now runs a support group for family members of people with younger onset Alzheimer’s.

On the day they brought him to the assisted-living facility, “I left him, and he watched after us,” Harris said. “It was very sad.” And then, “He acclimated. Which was amazing.”

[mrsukyankee]

My mom took care of her mom w/o help for about 5 years until she finally realised her own health was at risk from doing so. She's requested that we actually don't do that when she's older and that we put her in a care home (she's put it in witnessed writing, in fact). While it's something she wanted to do, it really took a toll her her relationship with her mom and she's hurt herself as well (tore back muscles, etc).

[jeaniebueller]

Feb 9, 2016 8:33:44 GMT -5 mrsukyankee said:

My mom took care of her mom w/o help for about 5 years until she finally realised her own health was at risk from doing so. She's requested that we actually don't do that when she's older and that we put her in a care home (she's put it in witnessed writing, in fact). While it's something she wanted to do, it really took a toll her her relationship with her mom and she's hurt herself as well (tore back muscles, etc).

Similar to your story, my grandma lived with my mom for about 7 years until my grandma became ill and ended up going into assisted living. My mom has also given us very specific direction that she does not want to live with any of us (lol) and wants to be in a place like my grandma is in. Even with my grandma where she is, she still relies on my mom a lot, for dr appointments, to get her medications, to make sure she is taking her medications, etc. Granted, the place she is at would take care of these things for a fee, but my grandma doesn't want to spend the money.

[ttt]

We do such a terrible job in this country helping caregivers, whether that's parents or those caring for elderly or disabled loved ones. This is already a big problem and it's going to become downright enormous as the baby boomers age. We need an organized effort at the federal, state and local levels to coordinate resources, increase funding, and provide better support to caregivers.

[cookiemdough]

I will probably get flamed for this but I think it is selfish to make that request of your loved ones. An assisted living facility or nursing home can be a good experience. If you adjust your thinking and you acclimate and adjust. Of course we have the responsibility to not abandon them, make them comfortable and try to find a good facility. But that is it. My grandma went kicking a screaming to a nursing home and the first two years she hated it. After the third move we were like okay this is it there aren't any more options. We pointed out that She had friends there, she finally went to the social activities, she probably had more visitors than she did when she was at home. We never abandoned her but her experience didn't change until her outlook changed. And it made everything better for all parties.

I will say it is sad because some people never have visitors from loved ones. We usually would visit with them to when seeing my grandma. There are some though that didn't have visitors because they sPent their life treating people like shit. In that scenario you have no one to blame but yourself.

[Velar Fricative]

Feb 9, 2016 8:53:32 GMT -5 ttt said:

We do such a terrible job in this country helping caregivers, whether that's parents or those caring for elderly or disabled loved ones. This is already a big problem and it's going to become downright enormous as the baby boomers age. We need an organized effort at the federal, state and local levels to coordinate resources, increase funding, and provide better support to caregivers.

And what also scares me is all that data that suggests (proves?) that younger generations aren't/won't be as well off as their parents (at least, if their parents are Boomers). So people who are in the "sandwich" generation are already struggling but have to add elder care time and ultimately costs to their plates. I imagine this struggle will become far more prevalent in the coming years/decades. It scares me.

[mrsukyankee]

I don't have kids. Quite honestly, I've told my H to put me in a home if needed and I'll do the same. I don't have anyone to expect to take care of me and I'm okay with that.

[PatBenatar]

My MIL and her 2 sisters were at my GMIL's round the clock for 3 years when she was diagnosed with dementia. It took such a huge toll on them. I think they were all a bit relieved when she finally passed. It was such a sad situation.

[imojoebunny]

Yeah, my parents will go to a home and me, too.

My grandfather lived in assisted living for 7 years (not a nursing home, he had his own apartment, and meals where available either delivered to his place, or in a dining room). They had all sorts of activities, a bus to take him to the doctor, grocery, and church. It was a pretty good place. My grandmother who had Alzihemers lived with him until the last 4 months of her life, for about 3 years.

He could not have cared for her in a regular house without additional caregivers 24 hours a day, and a lot more expense. If she wondered from their apartment, someone was there to stop her from going out the door, meals were done, housekeeping done, no home maintence, we hired someone to do laundry and babysit for her when he wanted to go out, easily done, since people who did that kind of work were already there and well known in the place. Everything was handicapped accessible. There was a walking path that could be seen from the main lobby, in case of falls or injury that was wheelchair accessable, so no risk of not being found if you fell. Plenty if activities he would have been afraid to do on his own from going to plays to geriatric volleyball. No isolation, which he would have had if he had stayed in his house. My grandmother benefited from getting out with him in a safe environment, until she was bedridden, and her mind completely gone.

My aunt, who has Alzihmers, is kept in her home by her husband. It is isolating, and my cousin says he is not very kind to her, though not abusive, just not patient and dismissive. She has 24/7 caregivers and mostly just wanders around the house all day or watches TV at this point. It looks like hell to me. Put me in a home please.

My grandfather was in a true nursing home he last year of his life. There is no way we could have cared for him at home. He needed a level of nursing care that we could not provide. It did suck, but not because of the place, because he was very sick. I still think he was better off than isolated in a bedroom off my living room, and being with each other 24/7 would not have been good for either of us. No way could we have managed my grandmother once she needed that level of care, without 24 hour nurses.

[mbcdefg]

Same thing here - my grandma developed Alzheimer's and moved in with us, after a policeman found her wandering near the Holland Tunnel. She lived with us for maybe two years (my mom had to take the knobs off the stove after she nearly burned down the house a few times) before my mom finally enrolled her in a nursing home, and she was there for maybe 6 months before she died.

After that my mom said she really wants us to put her in a nursing home as soon as she starts "losing it." I worry about her - she's never had a great memory and has a tendency to make things up/misremember stories, so I'm sort of wondering if things are already happening. I especially worry now that she's widowed, but luckily she works and has an active social life so hopefully that'll help keep her sharp for a few more years.

We were also looking into some kind of facility for FIL last year but cost was a huge factor. And MH felt guilty as hell for even considering it. I also felt guilty for not wanting him to live with us, but the three of us lived together in the past and I really did not want to deal with that again. Unfortunately he died somewhat suddenly so it was a moot point.

Back to my grandma - my mom was peeved that the caregiving automatically went to her as the female, as seems to be the case in most situations. She has two brothers - one local who, I don't think, even offered to help; the other is on the opposite coast and lost touch years ago, and flew in just for the funeral and then to grab whatever of Nanny's valuables he could. I know a lot of my mom's female friends are dealing with similar situations with their own parents, and I think my boss actually helps care for her late husband's elderly mother ... I never seem to hear about men dealing with this, though.

[pixy0stix]

My gpa thought we were putting him in a home, but it wasn't. It's just a retirement facility. That said, he's going to have to go into assisted living soon. I had to fight to get my mom and my aunt to get their heads out of their asses to see what was happening with him. I don't think either of them wanted to do it. My aunt called me crying the other day because gpa was acting nutty. I said, "I know, I've been dealing with it for the past decade as he's declined. Now you know what I've been trying to tell you all these years."

Bah.

[laurenpetro]

I think you guys already know my feelings about this

this is a really selfish thing to ask of a person, especially one not equipped to care for another human being. very few people have nursing degrees and/or the ability to be a primary caregiver. I understand the fear of going into a nursing home. people fear change and abandonment. but placing that burden on someone without the skill set to care for you is awful.

[pixy0stix]

And every time this comes up I think of the poster who was all mad that her caregiver aunt skipped town after dumping her parents on other family members after caring for the parents for years. Run free aunt! Run free!

[ttt]

I think a lot of this would be less of an issue if there weren't so many shitty nursing homes and horror stories coming from them. Going to a place with well-paid, trained, caring workers, lots of activities, and nice, well-maintained facilities is one thing, but nobody wants to go, or put their loved one in a place where they're going to be sedated 24 hours a day, sitting in a big room all day for the convenience of the under-paid, over-worked staff. And unfortunately, the nice places are financially out of reach for many, many people.

The solution would be expensive, much like subsidized childcare, but with huge benefits for the economy and the health of our population. Employees who are stressed and preoccupied with caregiving responsibilities aren't nearly as productive, they're sicker and more absentee, and there's higher turnover. I think companies will start offering these kind of benefits to star employees in order to retain them, but like with paid parental leave, those lower on the totem pole will end up with little or nothing. That's why we need it to come from the government, as unpalatable as that is to many people.

[teflepi]

After what I have seen some posters here, as well as my father and mother (and her siblings) have dealt with caring for aging parents....they both decided to go to a home. There is no question about it happening, if needed. It is not done out of anger or not wanting to care, but knowing our limits and that not all nursing faciitlies are bad.

[simpsongal]

My grandparents lost their final good years together b/c they spent so much time, energy, and resources taking care of my declining great aunts (grandma's sisters). By the time my aunts passed, my grandmother had cancer, and she died soon after. My grandfather became a bit reclusive and developed dementia. He lived with my parents for a few months but he had to go to a facility equipped for patients with dementia.

This is all so crappy. It's hard to fix the above scenario, but if my grandparents just put my aunts in nursing homes, they could have enjoyed their last years together. I'm sure there's incredible struggle between a sense of duty to one's family and living your own life.

[WOT?*]

My dad's wife refused to put him in a nursing home, saying nobody could care for him as well as she could. While that's no doubt true (she did an amazing job) it would have benefitted her to do so, to let someone take care of the work while she simply visited daily and kept him cared for by multiple people. She paid with it with her health and ultimately her life. I refuse to do that to anyone in my family. The minute I need more care than just minimal anything, I want to be placed in an assisted living facility. My grandmother lived in several, graduating from assisted living with her own apartment and kitchen, with social activities, to a full Alzheimer's treatment facility, where she died bedridden and not knowing anybody around her. That end is not living and not how I want to live, nor is it how I want my kids (or grands) or husband dealing with. It's too much. Put me in a home and once it's too much, let the pros deal with me. Visit me out of love. Visit me out of guilt. Visit me to make sure I'm being cared for. Beyond that, I won't know the difference.

[tacosforlife]

I'll plug the book Being Mortal by Atul Gawande again. One of the things he talks about is our society's need to change our approach to nursing homes as well, in order to make them more appealing and to preserve as much of residents' independence as possible.

[thebulldog]

I haven't read all the posts but to play the "in sickness and in health" card related to this is unfair. Sure we made those vows but putting someone in a nursing home where they can get better care is not at all turning your back on that.
My whole family moved in with my grandma when i was in high school bc of this don't put me in a home bullshit. The upheaval of our lives and strain ony parents marriage was not worth it.

Sent from my SM-G900P using proboards

[RoxMonster]

This is something very prominent in my mind. I am an only child, and I worry about what I will do when my parents get older and/or ill. I would want to care for them. I truly would. But I would have to move to live near them (fine), but I don't know that I/my husband and I could afford for me to quit working. OK, I KNOW we can't. We also can't afford to hire a nurse 24/7.

I saw this when my FIL got ill (he was early 50s but diagnosed with brain cancer. He passed away two years ago). When he got to the point he couldn't work and was just at home, my MIL tried to work half days but couldn't stop working completely. They luckily had some good family friends nearby who would check on him. Right before he went to hospice, they were looking at hiring someone for at least the hours MIL was at work during the day to stay with him all day. (It was not possible for DH or me to be there without moving away from jobs, which we couldn't afford to do and they never asked of us).

I also think about this for myself, since DH and I aren't having kids (and I wouldn't put that on my kids anyway if I did have them). I will probably end up in a care facility at some point if I am not well. My goal is just to be as healthy as possible for as long as possible so I can be independent, but I know everyone wants that and it's not necessarily in our control.

[hopecounts]

We are struggling with this.
My grandad cared for my grandma by himself at his insistence and wouldn't even concede to home health (which is all she really needed a little help with self care and someone to make sure they had meals and keep an eye on her for safety) until the end instead he refused and spent the last 5 years almost housebound with her and the effects of the strain are showing and he is fighting my Mom on getting the necessary help if he insists on staying in his home.
My mom is currently in good health as is my stepdad they are able to travel and enjoy themselves but dealing with my grandad is a problem and I think he not so secretly wants her to move in and take care of him. So far Mom is refusing which is for the best.
I should also say it's incredibly hypocritical as he put his mother in a nursing home and barely visited her for close to 20 yrs so I'm kind of judgey about it.
And he honestly just needs assisted living which his LTC insurance will cover and there is a great one about 10 minutes from my Mom's house that my paternal grandmother was at, lovely apartments lots of activities and services, option to move into more supportive living and then nursing home as needed.

[sushi]

I have feelings and thoughts on this. Both add a daughter and as a nurse.

I've seen people suffer because they were "put in a home" and I've seen people thrive for the same reason.

My grandparents are currently in that middle area. They need the help but are unwilling to admit it. Thankfully they have the funds to get in home care. But their desire for independence conflicts with what's good for their safety.

[NitaX]

Feb 9, 2016 9:54:30 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

And every time this comes up I think of the poster who was all mad that her caregiver aunt skipped town after dumping her parents on other family members after caring for the parents for years. Run free aunt! Run free!

I just literally LOL'd. Someone  is going to ask me why I was laughing. LOLLOLOL

[tacosforlife]

Feb 9, 2016 14:23:30 GMT -5 sushi said:

I have feelings and thoughts on this. Both add a daughter and as a nurse.

I've seen people suffer because they were "put in a home" and I've seen people thrive for the same reason.

My grandparents are currently in that middle area. They need the help but are unwilling to admit it. Thankfully they have the funds to get in home care. But their desire for independence conflicts with what's good for their safety.

I think you would particularly find Gawande's book thought-provoking. He really understands the importance of independence and explores the degree to which we should let seniors keep their independence, even if it means accepting a higher degree of risk than we would like.

[heyjude]

Feb 9, 2016 9:54:30 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

And every time this comes up I think of the poster who was all mad that her caregiver aunt skipped town after dumping her parents on other family members after caring for the parents for years. Run free aunt! Run free!

Um yeah. That was me. And she wasn't the "caregiver." She is an NP and provided a lot of secondary medical knowledge for her parents and siblings and that sort of thing. So like when their primary doctors were all "you have diabetes and need such and such drugs" aunt was there to help explain all this to the family, be at the doctor apts,, and ask pertinent medical Qs. She wasn't a home health aide. She didn't bathe, dress, or grocery shop for them. She was helpful and involved in a way having a doctor in your family is helpful or involved. And when she suddenly left she didn't just leave her parents without that intimate medical connection she left them both depressed and very sad. Everyone is getting along fine now though and has adjusted to life without her. All my grandparents kids continue to play a role in their care, just as they always had. They now have to play a bigger role in understanding the medical stuff though. Thanks for your concern.

And her stated reason for leaving? She couldn't take liberal Nor Cal a second longer.

So Lol away!

None of this means I'm anti home. I'm pro home. And anti making promises you can't keep. I know first hand how hard it is for family to take on the physical care of an aging parent or grandparent or spouse or loved one.

[OscarQ]

General consensus in here seems to be aligned with my own feelings - I will put you (mom, dad, H, etc.) in a home and I expect to be put into one if necessary.

I mentioned this in an employee survey awhile back. I think we as a country - and specifically my company - need to expand our view on family and who is responsible for whom. I am 42 years old. I work full time, as does my H, and we have two small children at home. We also have aging parents - two of whom are divorced and single. My FIL has a new partner (who has MS) and a 9 y.o. daughter from that relationship. Sometimes I think about what our lives could like like 5-10 years down the road if all these ducks come home to roost at once. There is just no way we could handle it and yet, of the siblings we each have, we're really the only two who can handle it. Or who will handle it.

That's not quite true. My younger sister #1 will try to be my dad's 24/7 person and it will burn her out. And then I'll have to step in and sort it out. I think a good discussion is due this summer when sister #2 is home.

I realize I'm dreaming here but I want maternity leave, paternity leave and some sort of adult-care/leave. And really it should be up to each person/family who they deem fits into these roles (which I get leaves it wide open but family is such an amorphous thing these days). If I'm the sole responsible party for my father in law's new partner should it matter that we're not legally related? IDK. We have some big problems on the horizon.

[wambam]

Both my grandmothers have had excellent experiences in nursing homes - particularly my maternal grandmother. Even in the worst of her Alzhiemer's, she was given excellent care and still had friends and social activities. She even had a boyfriend in the nursing home. My parents are 100% on board with going to assisted living or a nursing home when the time comes and I am very grateful for that. I do realize that good nursing care is a privilege and I hope that the "system" can be structured that every elderly person who wishes to be in a home can be in an excellent place where they are cared for.

[gpw]

Feb 9, 2016 8:53:32 GMT -5 ttt said:

We do such a terrible job in this country helping caregivers, whether that's parents or those caring for elderly or disabled loved ones. This is already a big problem and it's going to become downright enormous as the baby boomers age. We need an organized effort at the federal, state and local levels to coordinate resources, increase funding, and provide better support to caregivers.

Amen.  And my mom isn't even in need of full time care.  Assisted living is beyond her means but she can't live alone.  H and I work full time and still have to make sure she gets what she needs and to and from doctor appointments and such.  

Sigh.  I never feel like I'm doing enough, doing it right.  I feel guilty no matter what I do, like I'm either sacrificing my marriage or sacrificing my mother.  Bad daughter and bad wife all rolled into one. 

[aurora]

Feb 9, 2016 10:24:49 GMT -5 tacosforlife said:

I'll plug the book Being Mortal by Atul Gawande again. One of the things he talks about is our society's need to change our approach to nursing homes as well, in order to make them more appealing and to preserve as much of residents' independence as possible.

I read this after seeing your rec a couple months ago and it was the first thing I thought of reading this article.

My mom also read the book. She and her siblings are now trying to decide how to address their mother's significant health decline, but they're actually starting to wonder if they should pull her out of assisted living to spend her last (weeks? months?) at home. I have so many feelings about this but I'm hoping they're not just thinking this out of guilt.

[gpw]

Feb 9, 2016 16:59:04 GMT -5 mr+ms said:

Going into a home is great when you need 24/7 care but I wonder where all of the money is going to come from. These places are like 5-10k/month from what I've seen (not HCOL areas). Who has that kind of dough at retirement? What is our generation going last - a couple of years in one of these places? Keep in mind that the population on here is very well off in general. I feel that this is going to blow up into a huge issue and drain on our society & economy.

So....what is the answer?  Having family take care of a loved one even if they might not be qualified?