Nobody Ever Tells You Marriage Can Be Lonely

[summer]

Elle

"But you're married…."



I hear it every time I'm sharing cocktails with single friends, swapping stories in the dim, loungy light I rarely find myself socializing in anymore, listening to tales about failed dates and messy breaks, and I think to myself, They are right: I am lucky. I have a husband. I have a partner to share in life's ups and downs. And yet, there's another side to being married that their refrain does not comprehend. The voicemails that often do not get answered between the hours of 8 and 6; the brief blurts of texts with train schedules and kid activity pickups; the daily quandary about dinner. The nights too exhausted for sex.

The highs and lows of married life pale in comparison to the passionate, intimate flings my single friends are still chasing, having, and then, unfortunately, losing. But in many ways, the risk is much greater. To throw your lot in with one partner and hope your communication and love and intent are enough. To mingle finances and dreams when so many around you have untangled those very same vines in disappointment. I find being married is a higher, quieter risk, but this is a story single friends don't want to hear over cocktails. To them, I have everything. To this I say, Yes, including loneliness.



I want to tell them life on the other side of the fence is not the fantasy; in fact, it is sometimes the nightmare of someone who likes independence, as I do, but who craves company. It's hard to believe marriage isn't the perfect social arrangement for such a disposition. In fact, it's a state that demands much more from your comfort zone, often at times when you don't have much to give. I'd never have believed anyone who told me the lessons I learned while single, on how to handle disappointment, terrible surprises, and sleeping by yourself for weeks at a time, would still be pertinent after merging our lives together. But they are.

The loneliness pops up at strange times, like in the months after we were first married, when you'd assume we would be inseparable, or on vacations, when you'd expect closeness and ease. Not for us. Rather, these time periods are filled with disconnection, which is common, our therapist has said, more like a necessary reorganization of selves. We are tired and busy people who need alone time even when we're together, my husband and I reason together. But sometimes, it feels bad.The duality of operating separately but carrying on with activities anyway; the worry and concern there's something wrong with us, with me.



The last time I encountered this dynamic back in my twenties is hard to forget: Two weeks before Valentine's Day, my 29-year-old self met my then love, a strapping sculptor, at Avenue A Sushi for a typical date: delicious drinks, a few pieces of yellowtail, and a drunken stumble to a cab up to his loft in the flower district. We had been together since Thanksgiving, he a gift dropped from the sky for me after a big breakup, and our time together had been easy, full of sex and affection. Or so I thought. In mid-bite of an enormous tuna roll, I heard the callous words: "I don't want to see you anymore." I nearly choked as my heart broke.



Breakups happen in everyone's life, but I had never been broken up with before that moment, and the blindsiding spun me into a deep despair. Not only had I not seen it coming, I actually said the embarrassing words, "Are you serious?"—making the moment deeply awkward in my memory for years to come. Two weeks later, the terrible confusion of still not knowing what actually happened became the ballast in the group Valentine's karaoke outing. I was with friends, fortunately, but in my heart the lack of understanding, the insecurity and shame that something was inherently wrong with me, persisted as we sang. I remember that moment often, especially when my husband and I are at odds.




Certainly, my husband and I can disagree about things: work, politics, parenting, and money. But these are the easy disagreements—the vocal ones. It's the unspoken ones that do damage: arguments you don't start, frustrations that fester into resentments. They sit between us like a dead animal, and prompt private worries: Maybe we don't see eye-to-eye any more; maybe he's hiding something; maybe I was wrong to trust my life to this man.



There is nothing lonelier than wondering if the life you built is a sham.



I know these musings are not only mine. When we're at the beach in summer and I see other couples who seem happier than we may be at the moment, I tell myself none of us are fooling each other. We are all faced with the same risk. The risk of losing, of having been wrong.

I know this because I remember another friend, a gregarious man who was soon to be engaged, confiding in me his concern about marriage. In a moment of less than stellar judgment, I got involved with him on the brink of his proposing to his fiancée. I knew I didn't love him, but when he told me like the stockbroker he was, "I'll leave her tomorrow if you say you'll be with me today," I felt his terror, how painful he found the idea of an empty apartment, appearing at functions without a plus one. I knew then the fact that I liked myself, that I could withstand going to a restaurant and a movie alone, tuck myself in with a bath and a good book, was a great power, and I lost respect for him. I didn't have empathy for his position then. Now, however, I see the very real chasm he faced on the brink of marriage. I see it on a regular basis. How it seems safer to start over with someone else rather than face the loneliness that a life in marriage inevitably presents.



The thing is, these feelings of loneliness come and go, and a marriage can be fine. We are fine. Strong, even. Loneliness and steadiness in marriage aren't mutually exclusive. But they do create conflict.



A few years ago, my husband was traveling to England, Scotland, and South Africa for 10 days, then 15 days, then 31 days for business. We always try to Skype during these trips, but the time difference has us waking or staying up past normal, neither of us look good on the screen, the Internet connection is spotty, and every time we get past the general "How's it going?" we get disconnected, literally. We are not phone sex people. I miss his lanky body, the weight of him on top of me, but we can't even sustain a conversation that reminds me we have spent years getting to know each other's deepest secrets.



There is nothing lonelier than feeling like a stranger with the man who knows you best.



What single friends sometimes don't realize is this: The unpleasant feelings of loneliness do not go away when you are married. The doubts still creep in. The worry that you could be so much happier if X, Y, or Z were true intensifies. Striking out with the wrong solution (a night on the town; a weekend getaway together) still burns. What's worse, hiding in marriage has consequences on the intimacy still intact, so drowning your sorrows in drinks with friends or endless and pointless parties only highlights what's wrong. And what's wrong is almost always the same: figuring out how to manage the feelings that come when life isn't a perfect picture.



After 10 years of marriage, however, I encounter such feelings with another perspective: This will pass. Riding the waves of constant change pulls two people apart as often as it throws them together. There's a lot of time for loneliness to creep in while finding equilibrium again, for living with uncertainty and disconnection while lying next to each other. But I've learned to back-burner the doubts, even absorb the loneliness in pursuit of the reconnection I trust will come. So far, it always has.

[sfy]

It's interesting to me how many different ways there are to be married and exist in a marriage. I am not judging, but if I was questioning whether I was right to trust my life with my husband (especially after the 10 year mark) or felt lonely while vacationing with my husband, I would definitely want to see a therapist. She does mention a therapist, but it's not clear to me whether it's ongoing.

[moolarkey]

I think this is really key "This will pass." I do understand that sometimes you have to leave and move on but often if people wait out whatever is happening, let it pass, life is good again.

[imojoebunny]

Sounds like this woman was looking for a whole world in one person.

[gardengal]

I am not always super connected to my husband. It always passes. But it never is as lonely (or as long) as her marriage sounds. I always know that my husband would drop everything if I needed him (but sometimes I know that other things are momentarily more important than me).

I really hope it either isn't as sad as this article suggests or she's in therapy. No one should feel so alone in a relationship.

[pantsparty]

I can relate to certain parts of this article, but it seems clumsily put-together. There are definitely periods we're not connecting well or are frustrated with each other. I don't relate to the overall feeling of "loneliness," though.

[cookiemdough]

I am curious of the age of the author.

[LoveTrains]

Feb 11, 2016 9:08:42 GMT -5 cookiemdough said:

I am curious of the age of the author.

They've been married for ten years so I would assume mid-late 30s or older. 

[calmcosmo]

She sounds lonelier than is typical.

I have definitely had times where I felt alone in my marriage. My H can be a serious guy and sometimes it's hard to tell him things because he can won't react in the playful or joyful way I'm hoping. Right now he's on a 7 month deployment and he's on an aircraft carrier so contact us only spotty email and snail mail so that is obviously physically lonely. I also have a layer of fear as he flies in combat daily. That's just icing on the lonely cake sometimes.

That said, after 19 years together (almost 13 married) I know he's my partner and best friend. And while those periods of loneliness wax and wane, I love him to pieces and am still happy to be married to him. I seriously cannot imagine life without him.

He is not my everything. He can't be. I have a handful of very very close friends (both male and female) that pepper my life with the things my husband can't/won't be. And thank goodness! One person cannot be everything all the time. That expectation will always lead to disappointment.

Which leads me to one of my favorite tenets: our expectations form our experiences. This writer seems to have awfully high expectations of her spouse.

[ttt]

Feb 11, 2016 2:21:18 GMT -5 summer said:

A few years ago, my husband was traveling to England, Scotland, and South Africa for 10 days, then 15 days, then 31 days for business. 

Well no wonder she feels lonely if he's gone and so far away so much. 

I've certainly felt lonely at times over almost 10 years of marriage, but I don't relate to this article much at all. I feel sad for her because I feel like she thinks this is normal, and I don't think it really is. 

[cookiemdough]

Feb 11, 2016 9:09:59 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

Feb 11, 2016 9:08:42 GMT -5 cookiemdough said:

I am curious of the age of the author.

They've been married for ten years so I would assume mid-late 30s or older. 

I guess the way she describes the contrast with the single friends in the article kind of reminds me more of the 20s early 30s. Even for my friends that have never been married have experienced enough or watched married friends go through enough that there is not generally the omg you have it all cause you have a HUSBAND we can't understand why things aren't awesome!

[LoveTrains]

Feb 11, 2016 9:19:09 GMT -5 cookiemdough said:

Feb 11, 2016 9:09:59 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

They've been married for ten years so I would assume mid-late 30s or older. 

I guess the way she describes the contrast with the single friends in the article kind of reminds me more of the 20s early 30s. Even for my friends that have never been married have experienced enough or watched married friends go through enough that there is not generally the omg you have it all cause you have a HUSBAND we can't understand why things aren't awesome!

I suppose its all about perspective, right? I was thinking more like the never married mid-late 30's crowd that one often sees in major cities who think everything in their lives will be perfect once they get married.

[sfy]

Feb 11, 2016 9:19:09 GMT -5 cookiemdough said:

Feb 11, 2016 9:09:59 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

They've been married for ten years so I would assume mid-late 30s or older. 

I guess the way she describes the contrast with the single friends in the article kind of reminds me more of the 20s early 30s. Even for my friends that have never been married have experienced enough or watched married friends go through enough that there is not generally the omg you have it all cause you have a HUSBAND we can't understand why things aren't awesome!

She has to be over 40 more than likely, because the one dude broke up with her at 29 on Valentine's Day. Unless she met and married the current husband within a year to the day of that breakup, she's 40+.

[AllieHound]

This is a weird piece. I feel like I can kind of understand what she's saying, but it's so poorly written and without direction that I lose it.

DH is a firefighter who works every 3rd night. He's also a full-time nursing student with clinicals. I work full-time. We have two young kids. Fuck yes, I understand being lonely at times. But for me, that's due to a physical separation, or flat-out not having time together where it's just the two (or even the four!) of us. But when we're together, we're generally together. She doesn't do a great job of explaining *why* or *how* she feels lonely, so I can't relate.

[CheeringCharm]

Feb 11, 2016 9:18:07 GMT -5 ttt said:

Feb 11, 2016 2:21:18 GMT -5 summer said:

A few years ago, my husband was traveling to England, Scotland, and South Africa for 10 days, then 15 days, then 31 days for business. 

Well no wonder she feels lonely if he's gone and so far away so much. 

I've certainly felt lonely at times over almost 10 years of marriage, but I don't relate to this article much at all. I feel sad for her because I feel like she thinks this is normal, and I don't think it really is. 

I was thinking this too. She might feel lonely because he's not the right fit for her and what she's looking for in a partner. I've been married for close to 11 years and don't relate to what she's describing.

[bernsteincat]

Feb 11, 2016 9:07:04 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

I can relate to certain parts of this article, but it seems clumsily put-together. There are definitely periods we're not connecting well or are frustrated with each other. I don't relate to the overall feeling of "loneliness," though.

This exactly. My husband and I are at a disconnected point right now, but we recognize that between his conferences and basketball games, and me still having to work and do things on his snow days, and trying to navigate infertility, things are tough and we don't feel very together at the moment. I think I deal with it better than he does, though. I'm realistic and pragmatic and can see beyond things, he's very dramatic and extreme and is quick to "woe is me." We would so benefit from counseling (as I'm sure every couple would), but there's no way we can afford it.

[calmcosmo]

Feb 11, 2016 9:30:41 GMT -5 AllieHound said:

This is a weird piece. I feel like I can kind of understand what she's saying, but it's so poorly written and without direction that I lose it.

DH is a firefighter who works every 3rd night. He's also a full-time nursing student with clinicals. I work full-time. We have two young kids. Fuck yes, I understand being lonely at times. But for me, that's due to a physical separation, or flat-out not having time together where it's just the two (or even the four!) of us. But when we're together, we're generally together. She doesn't do a great job of explaining *why* or *how* she feels lonely, so I can't relate.

Yea, I don't think she is talking about physical loneliness. I think she's talking about that void that happens sometimes when you're in the same room with someone and you feel invisible. In my 13 years of marriage there have definitely been periods of time where I felt invisible. It is not a good feeling at all. Thankfully, it is usually brief and often corresponds with my own insecurities and/or PMS (seriously!). Not necessarily my husband doing anything "wrong". My husband isn't completely innocent; there are times when he could do better or more to make me feel loved and valued. But the same could be said for me... I'm definitely not the perfect partner 24/7. 

Sadly, I think she's trying to convince herself it's normal by writing this piece. Or maybe it's just cathartic for her. But the general tone just makes me sad. I wonder what her husband thought when he read it.

[summer]

Feb 11, 2016 9:30:41 GMT -5 AllieHound said:

This is a weird piece. I feel like I can kind of understand what she's saying, but it's so poorly written and without direction that I lose it.

DH is a firefighter who works every 3rd night. He's also a full-time nursing student with clinicals. I work full-time. We have two young kids. Fuck yes, I understand being lonely at times. But for me, that's due to a physical separation, or flat-out not having time together where it's just the two (or even the four!) of us. But when we're together, we're generally together. She doesn't do a great job of explaining *why* or *how* she feels lonely, so I can't relate.

I find that many articles in ELLE have potential but are so poorly written they can't live up to it.

[ijack]

Feb 11, 2016 11:23:37 GMT -5 @mx said:

Having a partner who travels a lot can be a challenge.

Amen.
I struggle so hard with this. H goes through periods of travel and so when he's gone I'm solo parenting and working full-time I get plain exhausted. Then he gets back home and I'm so worthless that I suck as a wife. So we go through these horrible cycles of me being alone with our kids and then me needing so much alone time that I don't connect with him. It's really hard on our marriage and we do much, much better when he's only gone a day or two or he spends the whole month at home.

[noodleoo]

Huh, she doesn't sound very happy in her marriage. I don't think her experience is typical. H and I have had our share of hard times, but I don't think I've ever had doubts on the level that she is describing.

[aurora]

Feb 11, 2016 2:21:18 GMT -5 summer said:

Elle

...
There is nothing lonelier than wondering if the life you built is a sham.
...

There is nothing lonelier than feeling like a stranger with the man who knows you best.

...

These two statements sound horrible.

Sure, H and I have times where we aren't connecting as well as we'd like, but I can't imagine wondering if our life is a sham. I can't remember the last time I felt like a stranger with him (certainly before we married 10 years ago; probably before we started dating, since we were friends for a couple of years before dating).

I agree with everyone else that this sounds worse than normal.

[sfy]

Feb 11, 2016 10:25:51 GMT -5 calmcosmo said:

I wonder what her husband thought when he read it.

This is what I was thinking, too. I'd probably break my damned tear ducts if my husband wrote this about me.

[sushi]

As a military spouse I'm the first to understand loneliness while being married. But it's nothing like this lady describes.

Sure, there are times we don't connect. There are times we zone out to tv or a book and don't talk. That's normal. Her situation sounds like misery

[juliette21]

Just because some of you can't relate to what she's feeling doesn't mean this isn't a normal issue in a marriage or that they should divorce or whatever. I definitely feel lonely in my marriage sometimes. Especially when I realize it's been months since I had any alone time with DH, or that I practically do every single errand and kids outing by myself because he's usually working. I actually feel like it's a special occasion when I'm sitting in the passenger seat of his car and we're all going somewhere together.

I do get envious from time to time of my single or coupled-up friends who don't have kids. It seems like they get to spend a lot more time together, and I miss that closeness with DH. Making plans now can feel very clinical.   

I don't relate to her feelings about her husband being a stranger and her life a sham, but she could be using dramatic effect or be just a dramatic person. But I do wonder sometimes if I chose right. If I married someone who didn't have to work so much to support our family, or if we had more support (and money) to do date nights and vacations alone together, maybe I wouldn't feel so lonely and overwhelmed.  

[downtoearth]

I have been married 10 years and together with DH 9 years before that and I would never use the word "sham" for our relationship, but I would say that there are times where I'm shocked at what I still don't/didn't know or when we avoid even talking about big stuff and slog through the kid/work/mundane at times.

For example, last August I had a weekend away with just DH where I didn't want to be there and felt like he was somewhat of a stranger. What I wanted to do and what he wanted to do were totally different and what was a normal compromise seemed like me losing out. It's crappy to admit and I tried hard to stay engaged that weekend, but I totally faked it b/c it sucked for me and was lonely that he didn't notice how much effort it took to be present. There were some other things happening at that time, but I think some of our loneliness comes from pushing people away or not addressing our own unhappiness with the people closest to us, and then getting upset that they don't/didn't notice.

[sfy]

I guess this is where I admit that sometimes when my husband doesn't do something I want him to do, I say, "This marriage is a sham!" Won't drive me to the frozen custard place? Sham. Complaining about going on a tour of homes? Sham! And I have occasionally been known to sing about the shammery of it all to the tune of "Teddy's Jam" by Teddy Riley/Guy. But I don't mean it lol. If I really felt that way, I would consider therapy and/or leaving and I don't really care if that's normal or not. No one is saying that every marriage is expected to be puppies and rainbows all the time, but she simply doesn't sound happy or like being married to her husband is enriching her life in any meaningful way. Life is short, very short. Too short to feel like your marriage is a lonely sham and stand idly by.

[juliette21]

Feb 11, 2016 14:56:01 GMT -5 sfy said:

I guess this is where I admit that sometimes when my husband doesn't do something I want him to do, I say, "This marriage is a sham!" Won't drive me to the frozen custard place? Sham. Complaining about going on a tour of homes? Sham! And I have occasionally been known to sing about the shammery of it all to the tune of "Teddy's Jam" by Teddy Riley/Guy. But I don't mean it lol. If I really felt that way, I would consider therapy and/or leaving and I don't really care if that's normal or not. No one is saying that every marriage is expected to be puppies and rainbows all the time, but she simply doesn't sound happy or like being married to her husband is enriching her life in any meaningful way. Life is short, very short. Too short to feel like your marriage is a lonely sham and stand idly by.

This is kind of dismissive/flippant. Like, good for you that your marriage is so wonderful you can sing songs to each other about being unhappy and poke fun at people who are unhappy. And congrats that you have so many options/opportunities available to you that you can just leave over fleeting feelings of loneliness.

[cookiemdough]

Feb 11, 2016 14:56:01 GMT -5 sfy said:

I guess this is where I admit that sometimes when my husband doesn't do something I want him to do, I say, "This marriage is a sham!" Won't drive me to the frozen custard place? Sham. Complaining about going on a tour of homes? Sham! And I have occasionally been known to sing about the shammery of it all to the tune of "Teddy's Jam" by Teddy Riley/Guy. But I don't mean it lol. If I really felt that way, I would consider therapy and/or leaving and I don't really care if that's normal or not. No one is saying that every marriage is expected to be puppies and rainbows all the time, but she simply doesn't sound happy or like being married to her husband is enriching her life in any meaningful way. Life is short, very short. Too short to feel like your marriage is a lonely sham and stand idly by.

Now this song is going to be in my head lol

[sfy]

Feb 11, 2016 15:04:16 GMT -5 juliette21 said:

Feb 11, 2016 14:56:01 GMT -5 sfy said:

I guess this is where I admit that sometimes when my husband doesn't do something I want him to do, I say, "This marriage is a sham!" Won't drive me to the frozen custard place? Sham. Complaining about going on a tour of homes? Sham! And I have occasionally been known to sing about the shammery of it all to the tune of "Teddy's Jam" by Teddy Riley/Guy. But I don't mean it lol. If I really felt that way, I would consider therapy and/or leaving and I don't really care if that's normal or not. No one is saying that every marriage is expected to be puppies and rainbows all the time, but she simply doesn't sound happy or like being married to her husband is enriching her life in any meaningful way. Life is short, very short. Too short to feel like your marriage is a lonely sham and stand idly by.

This is kind of dismissive/flippant. Like, good for you that your marriage is so wonderful you can sing songs to each other about being unhappy and poke fun at people who are unhappy. And congrats that you have so many options/opportunities available to you that you can just leave over fleeting feelings of loneliness.

Are you the author?? This isn't being dismissive of the idea of someone being lonely in a marriage. I think that's quite sad, actually, and I am not poking fun at anyone. You said that this was a normal issue. I don't agree with you and you don't agree with me. I'm not pissed at you because we disagree.

Furthermore, you are exaggerating what I said as well as what she said. This article isn't about mere "fleeting feelings of loneliness." It is about a woman who, even while vacationing with her husband, feels disconnected from him, who feels that her husband doesn't know her, that her marriage is a sham and that she is consistently lonely, and she is doing what about it after an entire decade of living like this? Writing about it? I am a firm believer that life doesn't happen "to me," but that I shape the life I want to live. This isn't to say that I can control everything (I wish lol), but my marriage, I control at least 50%. We all have options. I'm not saying that everyone is able to leave his/her spouse or that everyone has the time, money and ability to seek counseling, but there are self-help books, church counselors, videos online. I would do my best to fix the situation, while the article doesn't imply that she's done very much. I'm sorry that your marriage is not what you like it to be, and what I am saying is not personal to you nor meant to offend you, but I stand by what I said--life is too short for a lonely sham marriage. That is my opinion and it stands.

So now that I've had to dig in, I guess I am judging her after all. That's unfortunate.

[juliette21]

Feb 11, 2016 15:23:47 GMT -5 sfy said:

Feb 11, 2016 15:04:16 GMT -5 juliette21 said:

This is kind of dismissive/flippant. Like, good for you that your marriage is so wonderful you can sing songs to each other about being unhappy and poke fun at people who are unhappy. And congrats that you have so many options/opportunities available to you that you can just leave over fleeting feelings of loneliness.

Are you the author?? This isn't being dismissive of the idea of someone being lonely in a marriage. I think that's quite sad, actually, and I am not poking fun at anyone. You said that this was a normal issue. I don't agree with you and you don't agree with me. I'm not pissed at you because we disagree.

Furthermore, you are exaggerating what I said as well as what she said. This article isn't about mere "fleeting feelings of loneliness." It is about a woman who, even while vacationing with her husband, feels disconnected from him, who feels that her husband doesn't know her, that her marriage is a sham and that she is consistently lonely, and she is doing what about it after an entire decade of living like this? Writing about it? I am a firm believer that life doesn't happen "to me," but that I shape the life I want to live. This isn't to say that I can control everything (I wish lol), but my marriage, I control at least 50%. We all have options. I'm not saying that everyone is able to leave his/her spouse or that everyone has the time, money and ability to seek counseling, but there are self-help books, church counselors, videos online. I would do my best to fix the situation, while the article doesn't imply that she's done very much. I'm sorry that your marriage is not what you like it to be, and what I am saying is not personal to you nor meant to offend you, but I stand by what I said--life is too short for a lonely sham marriage. That is my opinion and it stands.

So now that I've had to dig in, I guess I am judging her after all. That's unfortunate.

I guess my own experiences shaped how I interpreted her article. I think she was challenging the perception that single people think everything will be better once you're married. But that you just get different problems when you're married, and then she went into a dramatic explanation of what plagues her marriage.

I definitely related to pieces of it, but perhaps I was inserting myself into it too much. In my own marriage these feelings are fleeting, they get magnified when things are stressful and we're struggling with other issues like money, work schedules, etc. But I do believe it's normal in a marriage with a lot of pressure/stress to have fleeting moments of these types of feelings. I just thought she was shedding light on a subject that's not really talked about IRL. We all commiserate on these boards about marriage ups and downs, but I can't really talk as bluntly with my friends IRL about it and I can imagine it's that way for a lot of people. 

I did feel your post was directed at me a bit, hence the strongly-worded response. Thanks for clarifying.