How do you deal with family?

[sterl724]

So I love my parents to death. My mom, however, can be a little intrusive (I.e nosy), and she doesn't really have a filter.

So we've been ttc for a year. My older brother knows we are trying, because we are super close. He's actually the like one of three people who knows we've had a loss. He knows we've got the year mark, and had known for at least six months that we've been trying. Nobody else in my family knows.

I hadn't told my mom, because she had a tendency to always want to know what's going on, and to always ask about it. Frankly, I don't always want to talk about it - we've had a lot of difficulties, and it's sensitive to talk about.

So my parents were over yesterday, and she made a comment about more grandkids, giving me a stupid look. I told her I didn't want to discuss it. She responded, and I told her again, kind of rudely, that it was a sensitive subject and I didn't want to talk about it. Later, my h and dad were doing something and she asked why I bit her head off...through the course of the convo, I ended up telling her (word vomit!) to back off because we've been trying and it sucks. She made some comment about after a year, you're suppose to see a doctor. I told her I was aware, and made some comment, and she realized how long we've been trying. I didn't tell her about the loss.

I'm not necessarily mad she knows, and I wish I could unload on her because we are pretty close. I just know she had a tendency to smother, and I can't handle anyone else in my business about ttc. Basically, I've opened Pandora's box with hey on this particular topic. My brother is amazing with it, and I know I can tell him to back of or let it be and he will without being offended, because be and his wife had issues, and he gets the mindfuck that is ttc.

So basically, how do you deal with family, especially those that tend to be in your business about ttc? I feel like I need to be blunt with her when she brings it up (which she will) and just tell her that unless I bring it up, don't talk about it.

[grover]

My mom kept going on and on about wanting to be a grandma, at which point I finally snapped one day and let loose that we'd been trying for over a year at that point. Which stopped her from bringing it up until she "forgot" when my baby sister announced her oops.

She now "doesn't know how to talk with me or act around me" because "she's afraid to upset me". which I responded that I don't necessarily want to tell her everything, and that there are times she may ask me how I'm doing/where we are in the IF process and I will tell her I'm not in the mood to talk about it. But I finally broke down and told her we've gone through the testing, and she was there the day of my sonohyst and so she knows we're unexplained. Which is a good thing because she kept saying it was probably H's sperm that was the issue.

On the other side, MIL knows because when I was in tears the night my sister blindsided me with the news (we were living at inlaws at the time), she commented that "it's not like we are trying"- um yes, for 2 years at that point. Now she keeps messaging H asking if I've been tested because it's probably me that is the issue. I don't think he's told her anything about where we are in the process.

[konapoppy]

It is hard. Could your brother help you out here with her and have a talk?

I got pg out first month trying and told my parents about it a week or so before I ended up m/c. So they knew we were trying. I had to say a few things about "no lack of trying" when I still wasn't pregnant 6 months later.

Then I got pregnant again and they went through all the ups and downs with us, sitting with H in the waiting room during my D&E.

Since then my mom doesn't ask much about what we are doing, but does tell me I need to take into consideration potential motherhood when I am looking for a new job. I have told her multiple times in no uncertain terms that I do not, and at this point I have no idea if I will get to be a mother.

So basically I have to continually tell her to back off. It isn't fun. But I know my dad and sister will help play interference if I need them to.

[ashap]

ugh family can be the absolute worst.

H and I are both very private about our ttc. I was firmly in camp NO kids until about a year ago, so as far as my family or his knows we are not having any kids. Both sides used to ask us on a weekly basis after we got married about their "grandkids" and "don't you want any", but then my Brothers wife and my H's sister both got pregnant about 4 years ago so it diverted all of the parental attention. They both also had or are soon to have their 2nd kids so again no one is focusing on us family wise. It's the best gift either of them has given us to be honest!

When we do get asked, either by extended family or friends or when we are with our nieces and the parents ask, I generally respond with "oh but I love my nieces so much!" aka complete avoidance of the topic.

My parents would respect the privacy if we told them and not ask unless I brought it up, but H's Mom would be camp crazy train all the way and I can't deal with her antics right now.

[duff]

MH and I were very firmly in the never ever camp until a couple of years ago - and even once we changed our minds and agreed to TTC, we waited another year and half to actually start. That said, my parents have no idea we're trying and I intend to keep it that way. My sister has a nearly 6 year old, so he's enough to keep my mom busy...but she still brings it up. Even though it stings, I just don't want to have that discussion with her. Both of my sisters know, but they don't ever bring it up. My one sister (my nephew's mom)turned out to be a wealth of information and shared everything about her PCOS diagnosis and the hoops she had to jump through, but she knows I don't want to talk about it unless I bring it up.

My FIL, on the other hand, knows. Because he's an asshole and told MH something about how he should be grateful we aren't having kids because it's basically the worst thing ever and he'd be trapped with me for 18 years. M blew up and it slipped out. And that is the story of how I came to only see my FIL for no more than 30 minutes per year. If that.

[FishChicks]

We mostly didn't tell anyone. My parents both hate kids and will be disappointed if we have one. MIL would love a grandbaby, and I don't want to get her hopes up. We were always 'no kids for us' so no one knew we were trying. After my miscarriage I told my mom, but I'm sure she won't bring it up again unless I do. I feel for those of you having to deal with unwanted scrutiny.

[sterl724]

Thanks ladies.

I love my mom, I do. And she will be thrilled if/when it happens. I just don't need constant (even well intentioned) questions about how it is all going.

[awick14]

My MIL and SIL used to ask all the time about us having kids. After we had been trying for 7-8 months and I had just had a miscarriage, I snapped and yell and yell and told them it's none of their damn business but I need to grieve the loss of my child first. (They didn't know about anything at that point) I probably shouldn't have gone off like that but the constant questions just made me so angry.

Since then I have told them about three of my losses. They never ask about us having kids again. And if they ever do I will just say it's not a discussion I want to have.

[mrsw101109]

My mom is pretty respectful of our privacy although after hearing that another one of friends is pregnant she bursts out with "enough now! It's your turn!" I just gave her a "we'll see"

My mother in law is a pain in the ass who has trouble keeping her opinions to herself. I think by me keeping quiet on the topic, I have her thinking that Were not interested in having children. It works better for me. I get no pressure and let her be surprised if it happens.

[cherryvalance]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My mom is similar and that's the main reason we haven't told her we're IF or about losses. At some times, I feel like I'd want her support and it would make the hints and comments stop, but on the other hand, I wonder if they'd just be replaced with constant questions about treatment. We just had our first IUI and beta is on Wednesday, so I guess we'll see.

We did tell each of our dads, although that hasn't been great. I told mine after he blindsided me with the news that his new wife was PG. My H told his dad what's going on with us, and is really pissed that his dad constantly responds with comments about all the people in H's extended family who are PG for the second and third time. He's not sharing IF success stories or anything; it's literally like H says that IF sucks and he's struggling and FIL will respond with, "Hey, you know who's PG?" It blows.