my husband, whom I can't leave for the sake of the children

[summer]

I have a good friend who is having an absolute horrible time in her marriage right now. I'm actually really worried about her and try to support her how I can. Some of this is very similar. They live here, and she can't figure out how to split up their lives, where she would go, where he would go, how they could co-parent. 


The Guardian: A Letter You Always Wanted To Write

On good days, we are able to talk about what is going on with the kids, discuss world affairs, and sometimes (although increasingly rarely) have a laugh. More and more, we are ships that pass in the night, a simmering resentment ever present, which we struggle to conceal for the sake of the kids. It is truly painful for me and I can only imagine that it must be for you too, although we don’t discuss it. On the few occasions when my frustration has boiled over and I have mentioned divorce, you seem shocked that I could be selfish enough to entertain such an idea.



We have been together for 20 years, starting out as equals with our own careers, until you decided to do your own thing. For several years, I supported you in your endeavours, practically, financially and emotionally, contrary to the advice of most of those around us and despite near bankruptcy. Against the odds, it worked out better than we could have imagined and your financial and professional success has been meteoric.



This change in fortune coincided with our move to the country where we now live, the birth of our first child and my no longer working. That was when the cracks began to appear.



I do what I can to ensure our kids have a normal childhood, while all the while I'm dying inside

During a complicated and life-threatening pregnancy, several miscarriages and the difficulties of adapting to a new country with small children in tow, I felt largely unsupported and literally and metaphorically alone. Your work has always come first. In times of distress, I have been left feeling unloved and unworthy.



I know from our rows about this that you believe that I am not a supportive wife. When I have tried to discuss these feelings with you, we invariably end up trying to outdo one another with the “You’re more selfish than me” line, and end in stalemate.



Since I stopped having sex with you two years ago, your resentment and dismissiveness towards me have reached new levels. Even our youngest child comments that you ignore me when you get up in the morning. Their awareness is even more difficult to deal with than the dismissiveness itself.




I have let my health and appearance go, much to your obvious annoyance. I drink more than I should, eat more than I should and have become glum and reclusive. The only thing that keeps me going is trying to do the best for our kids. I do what I can to try to ensure they have a “normal” childhood, while all the while I’m dying inside. I feel that I have no other option than to stay with you.



We were born and raised in different countries and are now living in a third country that our children call home. So where do I go if I leave you? Ironically, and in spite of your success, we could not afford two homes here, as we live in one of the world’s most expensive cities.



I feel, rightly or wrongly, that this is best for the kids and so do you, it would seem. We don’t have blazing rows, neither of us is violent and we co-parent well enough. So, it doesn’t feel as if I have a good enough reason to tear their lives apart other than my own inner torment and, I admit, your complete frustration with me.



What compelled me to write this letter was a cold. Yes, a pathetic cold. I have been sneezing and coughing all weekend, while trying to ensure that the kids are fed and watered and the household runs smoothly. Not once have you asked if I’m OK or offered to do the kids’ bedtime routine, or even suggested I might have a Sunday lie-in instead of you, God forbid.



It is a small thing but it sums up our marriage. Depressingly, most of my former flatmates would probably have been more attentive than you, my husband. As I write, I am peevishly hoping you catch my cold so that I can reciprocate in kind, for tragically, that is what things have come to in this seemingly endless marriage of ours.



Anonymous

[cookiemdough]

Honestly I can't imagine resigning to that. Either work on the marriage to make it better or move on.

[StrawberryBlondie]

I can't imagine how this is good for the children in any way.

[laurenpetro]

If her kids are picking up that the father is dismissive towards the wife then she's fooling herself about giving her kids a normal childhood.

[annieblah]

Yes, she is doing her children no favors by staying in a marriage where he ignores her and she no longer has any intimacy with him. Why? Life is too short to be miserable for that long.

[elleblue]

That's just so sad. For everyone in that family.

[rupertpenny]

I agree that she is doing her children no favors by staying. She definitely has some extra complications by being an expat though. I know I'm even more extra terrified of getting divorced now that we live abroad. My H would probably want to go home and I wouldn't and how do you share custody when you live on different continents? Since this woman has been out of the workforce for a while it might not even be possible for her to find work in her current country even if she wants to stay. She definitely shouldn't just KOKO, but I can very easily understand how she would feel trapped.

[cookiemdough]

Mar 19, 2016 19:45:49 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

I agree that she is doing her children no favors by staying. She definitely has some extra complications by being an expat though. I know I'm even more extra terrified of getting divorced now that we live abroad. My H would probably want to go home and I wouldn't and how do you share custody when you live on different continents? Since this woman has been out of the workforce for a while it might not even be possible for her to find work in her current country even if she wants to stay. She definitely shouldn't just KOKO, but I can very easily understand how she would feel trapped.

I am sure it is not easy, but if both feel like being on the same continent is important for the kids then someone makes THAT sacrifice of not living in their ideal country right now. But it doesn't mean you have to live under the same roof with no hope of ever finding happiness. Just because there is not a perfect option doesn't mean there is no option whatsoever.

[simpsongal]

Counseling, mend it or end it for all involved.

I can't imagine feeling so cold toward another human being, much less my spouse. It sounds like there were some very early foundational issues in the marriage with the business venture.

[rupertpenny]

Mar 19, 2016 19:54:05 GMT -5 cookiemdough said:

Mar 19, 2016 19:45:49 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

I agree that she is doing her children no favors by staying. She definitely has some extra complications by being an expat though. I know I'm even more extra terrified of getting divorced now that we live abroad. My H would probably want to go home and I wouldn't and how do you share custody when you live on different continents? Since this woman has been out of the workforce for a while it might not even be possible for her to find work in her current country even if she wants to stay. She definitely shouldn't just KOKO, but I can very easily understand how she would feel trapped.

I am sure it is not easy, but if both feel like being on the same continent is important for the kids then someone makes THAT sacrifice of not living in their ideal country right now. But it doesn't mean you have to live under the same roof with no hope of ever finding happiness. Just because there is not a perfect option doesn't mean there is no option whatsoever.

Yes of course. She should leave no question. She is not without options. I just understand why she feels trapped not just as a SAHM but as a trailing spouse.

And I'm probably projecting too much because while I don't anticipate getting divorced anytime soon, the issue of where to live is the thing that is most likely to cause tension in my marriage.

[summer]

Mar 19, 2016 20:13:19 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Mar 19, 2016 19:54:05 GMT -5 cookiemdough said:

I am sure it is not easy, but if both feel like being on the same continent is important for the kids then someone makes THAT sacrifice of not living in their ideal country right now. But it doesn't mean you have to live under the same roof with no hope of ever finding happiness. Just because there is not a perfect option doesn't mean there is no option whatsoever.

Yes of course. She should leave no question. She is not without options. I just understand why she feels trapped not just as a SAHM but as a trailing spouse.

And I'm probably projecting too much because while I don't anticipate getting divorced anytime soon, the issue of where to live is the thing that is most likely to cause tension in my marriage.

I see this A LOT in the expat community. Trailing spouses often move somewhere, the working spouse goes to work, then throw in some kids, and you've got a really isolated trailing spouse. You have to have a really strong relationship from the start to go that route because it's a hard lifestyle.

I usually hear the stories of loneliness and unhappiness early on in meeting someone and some are people who've been here 15-20 years. They just felt like they couldn't get out because they were so far from "home" and would have to start from scratch. Seriously, I can"t tell you how many times I've heard," I would have left but I didn't know where to go home to......."

[downtoearth]

I have a friend who has/had a hard time getting out of a same state, cheating husband during her life threatening surgery marriage...I've decided not to judge why people stay and not fault them for it. Life is messy and marriage can be hard for some!

[rupertpenny]

Mar 20, 2016 0:36:30 GMT -5 summer said:

Mar 19, 2016 20:13:19 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Yes of course. She should leave no question. She is not without options. I just understand why she feels trapped not just as a SAHM but as a trailing spouse.

And I'm probably projecting too much because while I don't anticipate getting divorced anytime soon, the issue of where to live is the thing that is most likely to cause tension in my marriage.

I see this A LOT in the expat community. Trailing spouses often move somewhere, the working spouse goes to work, then throw in some kids, and you've got a really isolated trailing spouse. You have to have a really strong relationship from the start to go that route because it's a hard lifestyle.

I usually hear the stories of loneliness and unhappiness early on in meeting someone and some are people who've been here 15-20 years. They just felt like they couldn't get out because they were so far from "home" and would have to start from scratch. Seriously, I can"t tell you how many times I've heard," I would have left but I didn't know where to go home to......."

Yeah this kind of stuff is always in the back of my mind even though we both work and my H technically trailed me.

[summer]

I was just thinking the other day a woman told me one of the many things that was holding her in her marriage was her kids' education. They had decided not to send their kids, now 4th and 7th grade, to international school. They speak English fluently, but have only attended German schools so in that way, it's weak. Outside of a number of other issues, she said she was worried about moving her children who are doing "ok" in German schools, to American schools with all the Common Core and testing and what that would do to them academically and emotionally. And she wanted to hold out for free university they get in Germany. I know it's not a reason to stay in a crappy marriage, but I get why people pause. 

[mrsukyankee]

I've seen both the results of an expat divorce (horrible for all, messy, etc) and mums staying with the H and living separate lives, including "special friends". It's just harder, especially if the woman's visa is tied to her H's job, and so if they divorce, the wife has to figure out where to go out of the country. I would have struggled with this if I had kids.

[summer]

I never looked into the topic before this discussion got me interested:

WSJ Blogs: For Expat Couples, Breaking Up Is Harder To Do


#When American Cynthia Woods found out that her husband, an executive at a multinational company, would be posted to Chengdu, China, in 2008, she embraced the adventure, conducting exhaustive research on the city, schools for the couple’s three boys, and life overall in China.



“I was just so happy,” says Ms. Woods.



But a few days into the move, she realized her marriage was over.



Within two weeks, the family moved back to the U.S., her husband’s assignment cut short, Ms. Woods says. “My oldest was 18 and had a girlfriend who was an expat and had moved back to Singapore. It was crushing. I still carry the guilt to this day that I took him away from her. But I knew for my own sanity I had to get us out of there. I thought, if I got us out, the family would heal.”



It’s virtually impossible, of course, to understand the causes of marital breakups, especially in the complicated world of expats. But a new study has found that expat life can exacerbate existing problems in a marriage, and bring in new tensions that can cause expat marriages to fray and break.



Expat scholar Yvonne McNulty, an associate faculty member at SIM University in Singapore, found in her study, “Till Stress Do Us Part: The Causes and Consequences of Expatriate Divorce,” to be published in June in the Journal of Global Mobility, that expat life brings its own form of marriage stressors. Dr. McNulty studied 38 expat divorces in 27 countries and found a range of issues: trailing spouses who may find themselves with a loss of identity after a move; a lack of a longtime community that might bolster a struggling couple; and long work hours mixed in with extensive travel that pulls couples apart.



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Ironically, Dr. McNulty says, those stresses might not translate to a higher divorce rate for expats, since spouses far from home might be more inclined to stay longer in a bad situation. But when couples do break up the results are far more serious, she says, with international battles over child custody, confusion over which country has jurisdiction over the divorce, and huge relocation costs for companies that have sent entire families overseas.



One element that can intensify problems, she says, is the expat community itself, which can “become almost like a toxic influence on a marriage.”



“It’s like a groupthink attitude. If one or two individuals are engaging in extramarital affairs the men tend to say, that gives me permission to do it.” Some common expat destinations, particularly Asia and the Middle East, are “notorious for changing a marriage,” Dr. McNulty says.



“The way a lot of women described it was that their husbands were a big fish in a small pond,” says Dr. McNulty. “Western men are considered a prize catch, and women are ruthless in how they pursue them.”



READ MORE: After a Divorce, a Longterm Expat in Istanbul Falls in Love With the City



Read More: Expats in Love: Top Countries for Romance and Happiness



American John Lackey, who has lived abroad since 1999, says that one tradition in his former company in Singapore was to take the new hires – all male – to a place called Orchard Towers, which was known for its massage parlors, sex shops and discos.



For Mr. Lackey and his ex-wife, though, work stress and travel seem to have caused the breaking point. Mr. Lackey, an American who now holds a Singaporean passport, puts the blame on his constant travel for his divorce from his Malaysian-born wife.



For instance, during the first six months that the couple lived in Bangalore, Mr. Lackey says he was on the road 163 days. “I made the effort to take the family with me,” he says, “but I think it was rough on them.”



The couple had a very different sense of how to live their lives. “I would travel and get home on the weekend and be exhausted. She would say, ‘Let’s go to the market.’ I would say, ‘You have a driver, a maid, a cook, a gardener. Why not do it during the week?’ It just started to grind on us, take a toll,” he says. Reached by email for a comment, Mr. Lackey’s ex-wife declined to be interviewed.



Over a five-year period, the couple moved from Singapore to Hong Kong, to India, back to Singapore, and then to China, he says. “I think the strain and stress of all the moves and the travel just became too much.”



Another problem is social isolation. Most expat couples are far removed from any kind of setting – family, friends, communities – that might have bolstered a struggling marriage. Dr. McNulty says that in her research, “one of the strongest things that came out was the lack of role models or mentors” for troubled marriages. Many of the women she surveyed said to her, “If we had been home, my parents, his parents, his brother would have pulled him up by the scruff of his neck and said, ‘What are you doing?’”



In addition, the expat community is not always willing to get involved. “When you’ve got marital problems, the other expat wives think you have a disease, and they shun you,” Dr. McNulty says.



The situation becomes more complicated when one member of the couple is an expat and other is living in a home country.



Monika Fischer, a Czech who married a German man, says that living in Germany put stresses on the marriage. The Germans she encountered when the couple lived in northern Germany were not very warm or welcoming, and that made her far too dependent on her husband for her social contact. “I didn’t have anybody else but him,” says Ms. Fischer, 56, who now lives in Zurich. “For him, it became too much.” Ms. Fischer’s ex-husband did not respond to emails seeking a response.



When Ms. Fischer’s husband got a job offer in Singapore, they both leapt at the opportunity to leave Germany, despite their realization that the marriage was already struggling there. “To have a totally new experience in a totally different culture – maybe this will turn us around and change the situation,” she thought at the time.



Instead, her husband lost his job after the family had lived in Singapore for three years. With the high cost of housing in Singapore and no work, Ms. Fischer says they didn’t even have the money to fly the family of five 13,000 kilometers home.



The effects of expat divorce can be more powerful than other divorces too, says Dr. McNulty. Many countries don’t allow married couples to have a joint bank account, so when the marriage breaks up the spouse, often female, may be cut off from support with no access to money.



One English woman had moved with her husband, also British, to Ghana. There, she says, she learned that it was common for men to have mistresses. The woman says she loved living in Africa, which gave her a chance to travel and meet new friends. “I think it’s possible now that’s why I didn’t notice what was going on,” she says. Finally, her husband admitted he had been having an affair for two years and that he wanted her to leave. She was back in England within a week of learning the news.



“I didn’t have anybody there to stay for,” she says. “As much as I didn’t want to come home to my family, I kind of needed my family.”



Child custody issues are also far more complicated in an expat situation, says Dr. McNulty. While the Hague Convention of 1980 requires that children remain in the country where custody is disputed, many Middle Eastern countries are not members of the convention. In many cases then, the father will automatically be awarded custody of the children.



Bente Sternberg, a family therapist living in Ho Chi Min City, Vietnam, agrees that custody issues are particularly difficult with expat couples who may be accustomed to moving to a new country every three years. “One partner may be moving and his next assignment might be from Vietnam to Africa. Meanwhile, the wife hasn’t lived in her home country for 12 years. It’s not this simple thing of ‘I’ll return home,’ wherever home may feel like.”



Dr. McNulty interviewed one woman in Singapore whose children have American passports. After she was divorced, she moved with them to the States, only to have to return to Singapore because her ex-husband invoked the Hague Convention. “She’s living every expat woman’s worse nightmare,” she says.



Overall, Dr. McNulty says, companies are not set up to support a trailing spouse in an expat assignment. “There’s the assumption that everything is going to go right, but there is no safety net.”



Monika Fischer says she now wonders whether she should have done things differently. “If you live abroad and your relationship breaks apart, you lose much more than just the partner. It’s everything – because you went that far for him.”

[meltoine]

I see this a lot in military marriages too, albeit we have a higher divorce rate than the general public anyway. But it's a huge group of people in which the women have mostly left their careers behind, even if they have a job, and moved from home as a trailing spouse. It's so difficult to imagine a custody arrangement that isn't terrible for the kids if the wife wants to move back home but the husband will continue to be stationed God-knows-where for 10-15 more years. (Yes, I know there are females servicemembers and same-sex couples in the military, but in reality the vast, vast majority are still heterosexual couples with the husband in active duty, so I used that in my example for the sake of simplicity.)

[rupertpenny]

Mar 20, 2016 2:23:21 GMT -5 summer said:

“The way a lot of women described it was that their husbands were a big fish in a small pond,” says Dr. McNulty. “Western men are considered a prize catch, and women are ruthless in how they pursue them.”

This is 100% true here in HK. At this point it's mostly funny for me and my friends to see our SOs just get stormed whenever we go out. But if I was less secure in my marriage it would be a lot less funny and more terrifying.

Also, I've read two decent novels that deal with these subjects recently. The Expatriates by Janice Y.K. Lee and Hausfrau by Jill Alexander Essbaum.

[summer]

Mar 20, 2016 7:15:24 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Mar 20, 2016 2:23:21 GMT -5 summer said:

“The way a lot of women described it was that their husbands were a big fish in a small pond,” says Dr. McNulty. “Western men are considered a prize catch, and women are ruthless in how they pursue them.”

This is 100% true here in HK. At this point it's mostly funny for me and my friends to see our SOs just get stormed whenever we go out. But if I was less secure in my marriage it would be a lot less funny and more terrifying.

Also, I've read two decent novels that deal with these subjects recently. The Expatriates by Janice Y.K. Lee and Hausfrau by Jill Alexander Essbaum.

I read Hausfrau, too. It was so depressing. I feel like Germany and Switzerland can be tough for other Westerners because from talking to others we all went in thinking, "Yes, this will be totally similar to what I'm used to!" but you don't really realize how closed-off and cold the people can be, at least at first. It is tough because almost everyone I know went through a period where they couldn't find friends and leaned too much on their spouse and it caused a lot of tension. 

I don't know anything about Asian countries except that the Consulate spouses I know loved that there was plenty of household help and childcare. 

[rupertpenny]

Mar 20, 2016 7:24:28 GMT -5 summer said:

Mar 20, 2016 7:15:24 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

This is 100% true here in HK. At this point it's mostly funny for me and my friends to see our SOs just get stormed whenever we go out. But if I was less secure in my marriage it would be a lot less funny and more terrifying.

Also, I've read two decent novels that deal with these subjects recently. The Expatriates by Janice Y.K. Lee and Hausfrau by Jill Alexander Essbaum.

I read Hausfrau, too. It was so depressing. I feel like Germany and Switzerland can be tough for other Westerners because from talking to others we all went in thinking, "Yes, this will be totally similar to what I'm used to!" but you don't really realize how closed-off and cold the people can be, at least at first. It is tough because almost everyone I know went through a period where they couldn't find friends and leaned too much on their spouse and it caused a lot of tension. 

I don't know anything about Asian countries except that the Consulate spouses I know loved that there was plenty of household help and childcare. 

I've only spend time on Germany (studied abroad in Freiburg) but people were so closed off. And so dismissive of my attempts at German. I'd actually really love to move to Geneva, but I'm scared of German Switzerland (mostly because of how much I suck at German).

The level of help here is great. But I bet it would make it even harder to leave for women in bad marriages. Because on top of everything else you have to give up a level of independence you couldn't have as a SAHM anywhere else.

[sfy]

I kmow a couple who split but the husband stayed in the home (in the basement) for financial reasons. That would be more palatable to me than sticking it out as a true married couple. I think my contempt and resentment would be far too obvious.

[summer]

Mar 20, 2016 7:06:28 GMT -5 meltoine said:

I see this a lot in military marriages too, albeit we have a higher divorce rate than the general public anyway. But it's a huge group of people in which the women have mostly left their careers behind, even if they have a job, and moved from home as a trailing spouse. It's so difficult to imagine a custody arrangement that isn't terrible for the kids if the wife wants to move back home but the husband will continue to be stationed God-knows-where for 10-15 more years. (Yes, I know there are females servicemembers and same-sex couples in the military, but in reality the vast, vast majority are still heterosexual couples with the husband in active duty, so I used that in my example for the sake of simplicity.)

I don't spend much time on the base, but I've wondered how it is for military spouses with children living on bases far from home. So one's spouse is gone off on tour for months at a time and when they come back, I imagine that stay-home spouse doesn't get much of a break because, well, that person just got back from duty. That is not as stressful as many of the other issues military families face, but it must put stress on the marriage? Is the military community as helpful as it sounds on Armed Forces radio? I'm always jealous when I listen in the mornings and hear how close-knit the community sounds. 

[miniroller]

Mar 20, 2016 7:15:24 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Mar 20, 2016 2:23:21 GMT -5 summer said:

“The way a lot of women described it was that their husbands were a big fish in a small pond,” says Dr. McNulty. “Western men are considered a prize catch, and women are ruthless in how they pursue them.”

This is 100% true here in HK. At this point it's mostly funny for me and my friends to see our SOs just get stormed whenever we go out. But if I was less secure in my marriage it would be a lot less funny and more terrifying.

Also, I've read two decent novels that deal with these subjects recently. The Expatriates by Janice Y.K. Lee and Hausfrau by Jill Alexander Essbaum.

Huh. I've never considered these ramifications, very interesting. I've added to my possible reading list, thanks for the recommendations! (As someone who lives in the middle of the US with my H, I def don't have a dog in this fight, but just out of personal interest, really.) Again, I appreciate you sharing a bit of your experience, rupert- thanks!

[miniroller]

Mar 20, 2016 7:36:47 GMT -5 sfy said:

I kmow a couple who split but the husband stayed in the home (in the basement) for financial reasons. That would be more palatable to me than sticking it out as a true married couple. I think my contempt and resentment would be far too obvious.

I'd be very interested to hear an outsider/ 3rd party perspective on how well they hide their mutual disdain. Heck, even their disinterest has to be confusing & hurtful to those kids' psyches re: loving adult relationships

[lexus]

I know families that have moved across the country for a husband's job and have struggled with these same problems- no support system, long hours, identity is too tied into husband, etc. I can only imagine how much more complicated being an expat makes it.

[loira]

This is very interesting. I think my H and I are likely staying in Canada for the moment, but I had thought about what it would mean if we had made the UK our home. Neither of us has family there, and we're both from different countries. Things like legal guardianship of children in the event of our deaths would be made a million times more complicated. Also, what if the parent who dies is the one on the original visa? What happens to those on dependant visas? Once you gain permanent residency it can make things easier, but I know that Canada, for example, only issues conditional residency for the first 2 years (for sponsored spouses) if you haven't been married long enough. I think that may be changing now with the new government though...

[sfy]

Mar 20, 2016 8:02:18 GMT -5 miniroller said:

Mar 20, 2016 7:36:47 GMT -5 sfy said:

I kmow a couple who split but the husband stayed in the home (in the basement) for financial reasons. That would be more palatable to me than sticking it out as a true married couple. I think my contempt and resentment would be far too obvious.

I'd be very interested to hear an outsider/ 3rd party perspective on how well they hide their mutual disdain. Heck, even their disinterest has to be confusing & hurtful to those kids' psyches re: loving adult relationships

True. It wasn't an ideal situation by any means. They are my friends, but just being honest, they're both rather emotionally immature within their relationships, so I'm sure their children could pick up on something. That said, I think making the decision to split and knowing they were both free to move on and didn't have to argue anymore, I think that was freeing for both of them in a way that enabled them to let go of some of the hostility. It takes certain personality types to make a situation like that not be a complete clusterfuck and I don't think they have those personalities, but I would prefer an arrangement where I live with my ex/STBX as friendly roommates rather than disdainful spouses in a loveless, sexless marriage. Two years without sex? I can't imagine the tension in that house.

IMO, as a parent, you're always running a risk your kids are going to come back later like, "You fucked up my life!" All you can do is try to minimize those odds lol. In a situation like this where the options seem to be limited to picking up your kids and moving to another country, thereby dramatically limiting interaction with one parent; splitting and staying under the same roof, or staying married and faking it until you making it, all three of these seem like bad options. My choice would be #1, but I would still pick #2 before #3, which just seems like a surefire way to make sure everyone is miserable as hell.

I remembered another one while typing. I know a couple who was way upside down when they divorced and couldn't afford a split. They rented a studio and split custody down the middle. The kids were always at the house no matter what and the parents took turns living at the studio. So weeks 1 and 3, mom lived in the studio, 2 and 4 dad did. Now mom and kids live in the house and dad has a place big enough to have real joint custody. Perhaps that would be an option. You have to really be good coparenters and willing to be selfless for that one, though.

[frlcb]

Mar 20, 2016 7:15:24 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Mar 20, 2016 2:23:21 GMT -5 summer said:

“The way a lot of women described it was that their husbands were a big fish in a small pond,” says Dr. McNulty. “Western men are considered a prize catch, and women are ruthless in how they pursue them.”

This is 100% true here in HK. At this point it's mostly funny for me and my friends to see our SOs just get stormed whenever we go out. But if I was less secure in my marriage it would be a lot less funny and more terrifying.

Also, I've read two decent novels that deal with these subjects recently. The Expatriates by Janice Y.K. Lee and Hausfrau by Jill Alexander Essbaum.

I have always heard that there is a high rate of infidelity and divorce amongst expats who get assigned to Asia. My husband works for a worldwide company with big offices in Hong Kong and Singapore and every non Asian coworker he has is married to an Asian woman and many were married before and divorced after moving to HK or Singapore.

[rupertpenny]

Mar 20, 2016 8:53:59 GMT -5 frlcb said:

Mar 20, 2016 7:15:24 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

This is 100% true here in HK. At this point it's mostly funny for me and my friends to see our SOs just get stormed whenever we go out. But if I was less secure in my marriage it would be a lot less funny and more terrifying.

Also, I've read two decent novels that deal with these subjects recently. The Expatriates by Janice Y.K. Lee and Hausfrau by Jill Alexander Essbaum.

I have always heard that there is a high rate of infidelity and divorce amongst expats who get assigned to Asia. My husband works for a worldwide company with big offices in Hong Kong and Singapore and every non Asian coworker he has is married to an Asian woman and many were married before and divorced after moving to HK or Singapore.

This is not surprising at all.

[cinnamoncox0]

Mar 20, 2016 7:36:47 GMT -5 sfy said:

I kmow a couple who split but the husband stayed in the home (in the basement) for financial reasons. That would be more palatable to me than sticking it out as a true married couple. I think my contempt and resentment would be far too obvious.

This is interesting to me. I'm not near a divorce right now, but we own a two family house and anytime I'm wicked pissed at dh, I always think how one of us would move downstairs if we ever did divorce and at least the kids would be impacted a bit less. Same house etc.

But I know not everyone has this "luxury" and I can't imagine being in the position the overseas couples face with all the added complications in an already complicated situation (divorce).