Passed over for promotion - how to pick myself back up

[Raggedeannie]

Co-worker A left his job in February - a Fed job at a higher grade than any of the other positions in my office.  Co-worker B and I both applied for the vacancy.  We are very close, good friends, and have long had a somewhat joke of a suicide pact... Co-worker A's departure had been a long time coming and we knew that we would apply for it but that there is only one job.  Unfortunately the timing of his departure is the worst as I am now 7 months pregnant.  In addition to the awkwardness of my upcoming leave, I haven't been sleeping well and I feel like my productivity hasn't been great.  I interviewed with my two current bosses earlier this week and had a hard time collecting my thoughts and didn't articulate myself well.

My boss just called me into her office to tell me that they decided to give the promotion to Co-worker B.  I am sad.  I feel like this is the nail in the coffin as far as promotion potential - I've been with the office for 5 years and was sort of waiting out this possible promotion, there is no other way to get promoted within my office.  Co-worker B has been in the office for 3 years.  She's great, totally deserves it.

I love my job but I have been doing the same thing for such a long time.  It is constantly changing, both in terms of substance and geographical coverage (we travel a lot and always to a new place).  But it is really disconcerting and demoralizing to be passed over.  This might be kind of silly, but I also feel like her getting the promotion will undermine my credibility with the other people that we work with - she will get a new title and they will know that she got promoted and I didn't.

Part of me just wants to say Eff it and stop putting in so much time into this job.  In at 9 out at 5.  And take all the maternity leave I can possibly squeak out.

But then I have to come back in January and work for one of my best friends?  I don't really know how to handle that.

Current boss seems super supportive of any plan B I can come up with, like doing a rotation with another office, which at least would be a change of pace and scenery for a while.  She also advised not to make any decisions until I see how the baby is... maybe I won't want to come back to a job with so much travel anyway... maybe I'll be exhausted and will want to come back to something comfortable...

I don't know what I'm looking for here.  Needed to vent a little.  Hair pats, advice, anecdotes all welcome.

[theblissisback]

Did you ask what she has over you? I'd be curious to see if there's something you can improve on.

Personally, I'd leave. But I'm a flightly creative with no real responsibility so it has always been easy to move onto something else.

I'm sorry you got passed over. Hair pats and hugs.

[juliej]

I was passed over a couple jobs ago, and it was the thing that spurred me to more actively look for something new. Afterward, I realized that I didn't want the specific promotion so much as a change in my circumstances.

[Poppy]

Something similar happened to me and I had a lot of the same feelings. I'm mostly here to commiserate but did want to comment on a few things:

1) I think she gave good advice to see how things go with the baby, especially since you're just two months from mat leave. My feelings toward my career vs baby were not what I expected.

2) I totally get your worries about appearances. I do. But, just know that other people will think about it less than you realize. I think you should try to just focus on personal fulfillment. If you want to just skate for awhile, I support that, lol. But, it is a good time to evaluate your priorities and think about whether you would be happier somewhere else since it seems that you won't get much in the way of new experience.

3) I also get your concerns about working for your friend, but the upshot is that presumably you like her, so it could be a good thing!

Hugs.

[steamboat185]

I got passed over about 18 months ago and it drove me nuts. They claimed they could only move 1 person at a time and they didn't think the title meant as much to me as to the other person. I started actively looking for a new job and found one about 12 weeks later. I now am much happier and make about 20k more. Getting passed over has turned into a great thing, but take a few days to sort through your emotions. It never feels good to be told no.

[rubytue]

I'm a fed in a very similar position. Only more years in. It sucks. It really does. It's the second time for me, too. I'm done in my directorate. Just DONE. For a lot of reasons, I haven't moved on yet, but it will come.

You are really lucky you have supportive people. Take them at their word and explore what you can! When they had the "we picked someone else instead of you" convo with me, it also included "I understand that you feel you need to leave the agency."

Sorry. This isn't about me. Just commiserating. FWIW, I decided to refocus myself in a completely different area and I hope to move directorates really soon.

ETA: I admit I took about 6 weeks to be able to do more than the minimum required. And it was a full 3 months before I was over it enough to really say congrats to the person who was promoted. And even now (almost 5 months), I still have my bitter moments.

[raangoli]

I'm sorry. It's really hard to see someone else get a job you really wanted no matter how great they are or how close you are to them.

Maybe like juliej said, that it's not so much the promotion as the change you're looking for. I've been in the same position for 10 years. It's a ridiculously long time. I applied for a promotion that was created by a vacancy while on maternity leave (so I completely empathize). I did speak to my manager about it but was told that they're looking for someone with a specific skill set. She also brought up the travel aspect (it would be more and I had requested a reduced load until the year's end). I let her know that even though I took those into consideration, I still applied because I wanted to state my intentions of wanting to contribute more to the group in a different capacity. She agreed with my perspective and said that she supports that.

Long story short, being passed over isn't necessarily the nail in the coffin. If the opportunity to rotate with another office comes up, take it and see how that feels. At least it will be a change of pace.

And as awful as it sounds that after leave you could come back to something comfortable, maybe it won't be so bad. It is, after all, just a job. I never thought I'd say that but having a baby definitely shifted my perspective a bit. I'm looking forward to going back to a job that I can leave there at 5pm and come home to my tiny boss

(I hope this makes some sense. Tiny boss is currently snoozing on my shoulder after her midnight feeding.)

[Deleted]

Current boss gave good advice. My feelings towards work did change after I had a baby. But not enough to sahm forever.

Since she's supportive maybe ask her what career paths you may be overlooking? Would she be willing to brainstorm with you? Create a development plan to build up your skill set so you are ready for the next great thing?

Being passed over sucks. Although it sounds like they had two good candidates so it was a win-win for them and going to suck for one of you. It doesn't hurt to use some time to think about where else you'd like to work or what you'd like to do and start reinforcing networks in those companies/areas. Looking doesn't mean you jump ship right away either. Use this to really think what it was about this role that was attractive to you and what kind of work environment you enjoy. Target roles that have those characteristics.

[carrotsmakemefat]

I also spent the last 5 years preparing (and acting for some of that) for a big promotion in the fed system. I got passed over and it stung.

In my case, it was a bullshit military officer who rolled in for 6 months and left. But stayed long enough to shit all over me. Had my last two bosses been my bosses during the hiring process this wouldn't have happened.

If you trust your leadership I'd absolutely set up another meeting to discuss next steps. Are you open to knowing why candidate B and not you? In my mind, if they want to retain you, they need to be giving you reasons why candidate B, but what you can do to get that kind of job in the future. It's not that you need a PIP, but they should give you more of an answer as to what specific skills that person had that you didn't. It's a tough conversation to have, but I felt so vindicated after knowing them NOT choosing me had nothing to do with me.

Also, what about any details? Is there something you can do temporarily to help you along in your career and set you up for something else?

I get it and it still stings. I am working with my new boss and it's not as bad as I anticipated and if anything, he recognizes my value and I can tell he's petrified for me to leave. (He came external and is still lost) I have taken this time to really think about my next move. I know my worth and what I a, capable of. I'm not allowing some douchy temp boss to get me down. I'm really taking the approach of "Be happy with what you have while working for what you want." (But that has taken me a few months to get there....I was so hurt at first).

What do you WANT? If you could do any job next, what would it be? It's obviously a good time to start applying for other jobs as well, but don't fall into the trap of taking anything and leave out of spite. Make sure it fits well with your goals

(Bottom line, I think the key here is knowing that you have control here. Yes they turned you down. That was their choice. But you have the control and decision making power here to decide how you pick yourself up. Sit in it for a bit. Decide how to move on (or stay) in a way that benefits you. Regardless, fed system will take some time for any new job. So come up with your way to cope in the meantime. That can be 9-5 daily. Actually taking your lunch. Whatever it is, do it and stay in good standing. You only owe yourself at this point. Do not let this define your self worth.)

[cookiemdough]

I get it is disappointing but based on all the factors you presented here it doesn't sound like they made a completely unfair choice. It doesn't mean this won't sting but it is also not like they selected someone unqualified who will make your life miserable.

I will say be professional. Continue doing your job and doing it well. Get some feedback on next steps and ask what opportunities you can explore that will better position you. People have long memories and this is a chance to show how you deal with setbacks.
You never know when an opportunity pops up and if it does you don't want to be thought of as someone who does the bare minimum, who has checked out and makes life difficult for others. You want to be known as someone who handles disappointments and difficulties with grace and professionalism.

[gt7301b]

Hugs Raggedeannie, it sucks. I am in a similar position, there is a position in my group that I was told I was in line for, we got a new boss and he picked someone else when the co-worker retired. The person he picked is qualified, but I was still pissed off. I was told to "just keep doing what I was doing" and eventually something would come available.

The first week or two I was pissed and did the minimum. After not getting the promotion I realized I could do two things 1) keep doing what I was doing or 2) put together a plan so next time something comes along I would have a better chance of getting a promotion. I put together a plan and went to my boss and he has been working to get me the other opportunities, mostly outside of our group. Ironically, he hasn't been very helpful getting me the opportunities within my group, but I think the other development will be better overall anyway. Honestly, I feel better having a plan in place to help further my career.

I have a couple things that I want to do that are tabled till after baby comes and I'll see how things go. If I was in your shoes I'd work through your leave and reevaluate when you get back. The one thing I have also realized is the grass is always greener on the other side. Your job looks really cool and interesting to me and I'd love an opportunity to be a part of some of the things you are involved in, but that is obviously just based on the pictures I see

[dr.girlfriend]

I'm sorry, It's got to hurt. The most I can tell you is that I have experience with my closest co-worker friend being promoted to my boss. In that case, though, he obviously had seniority and also wanted to do manager-level stuff which I really did not. In some ways it's been weird for our friendship -- we don't do as much social outside-work stuff as before, but at work I am really happy with how things turned out. It really helps to have that history, so that if he's acting wiggy because of pressure from above, I'm able to just go to him and say, "Hey, I understand you're getting all this pressure but I think you're losing sight of..." and I think he takes it in the right spirit rather than seeing it as being insubordinate or whatever. Plus, the more I see of how miserable the job is, the less I would ever want it, so that helps. I agree with giving it time...focus on the baby, coming back from maternity, etc. Then see what position would best suit you, and understand that might change over time. For all the lean-in stuff, there's no way I could have leaned-in with a newborn or toddler, but now that the kiddo is in 1st grade I'm much better able to step up the career in certain areas if I choose.

[cayl]

Are there more growth opportunities at your current org? I got passed over for a promotion when I was on maternity leave. It should have been mine, and I truly believe that I didn't get it because I was on ML. But when I came back my boss had a similar conversation with me about supporting me in looking into other opportunities, and he ended up promoting me into a different role about a year later (and then, ironically, the whole group that the first promotion was with got laid off). I was pissed about the first promotion, but with the twins I was so exhausted when I came back that in hindsight I'm glad things worked out the way they did. If there are other opportunities for you to pursue, I would take your boss at his word and look for support and suggestions in moving forward in your career. Maybe relax a bit and don't go all out anymore until you're back from ML (I say that because if you're exhausted, it's better to do a good job on a normal amount of work rather than a mediocre job on a lot of work), but once you're back evaluate how you feel and where you want to go.