Not to say this will happen to you...but I ended up divorced because he was out all night having fun while I...wasn't. It left more than a little bitterness and distrust.
I've tried to call, it went to VM, which is pretty typical. Usually what happens next is I end up sending a string of increasingly irate and profane text messages that come to absolutely nothing. We've been together 15 years and despite many attempts at a CTJ (calm/angry/sad), I have never found a way to explain why this upsets me in a way that has any impact the next time around.
If this has been going on this long, you need to make a decision. He doesn't care how it affects you. He's shown this time and time again. He does what he wants to do, regardless.
But it does affect you. You need to decide how you want to deal with it. Either you accept that this is who he is. Get counseling or just learn how to deal with it. Or you don't and he finds his stuff on the front lawn in the morning. More of a wake up call than the talk he can ignore because you're never going to do anything about it anyway. JMHO.
I mean, a night out is fine, but I think it's fairly reasonable to have an idea of who with and for approx how long. I'm pretty lax, but some sort of something better than what you're getting sounds right.
I've tried to call, it went to VM, which is pretty typical. Usually what happens next is I end up sending a string of increasingly irate and profane text messages that come to absolutely nothing. We've been together 15 years and despite many attempts at a CTJ (calm/angry/sad), I have never found a way to explain why this upsets me in a way that has any impact the next time around.
If this has been going on this long, you need to make a decision. He doesn't care how it affects you. He's shown this time and time again. He does what he wants to do, regardless.
But it does affect you. You need to decide how you want to deal with it. Either you accept that this is who he is. Get counseling or just learn how to deal with it. Or you don't and he finds his stuff on the front lawn in the morning. More of a wake up call than the talk he can ignore because you're never going to do anything about it anyway. JMHO.
But, it doesn't matter WHY it bothers you, the fact that it does should be enough. It's not like you're asking him to be at home every night right after work, just a simple text to let you know he's alive shouldn't be too much to ask. I'd be hesitant to have a kid with him, too. I'd also wonder just how important I actually was to someone who shows so little regard for a very legitimate concern.
You're not overreacting. He's being incredibly disrespectful. No adult simply forgets to text/call when they have had numerous conversations before about not calling/texting.
This has happened probably a hundred times, so it's clearly not worth it to me to leave or issue a relationship ultimatum. Admittedly I know this is part of why we don't have kids and I'm still afraid to buy a house, though. I don't fully trust the man-child not to end up in a hospital because he got hit by a car biking home at 3am or leave me home dealing with a screaming kid while he does whatever the hell he wants.
Can you explain what you mean by "it's clearly not worth it for me to leave"?? I think it's safe to assume that he doesn't want to change his behavior, and likely won't at this point. But his behavior clearly affects you. The suggestion that you leave isn't so it would scare him into changing or be an ultimatum -- I think you may be past that point. Leaving, at this point, would be for YOU and YOUR self preservation.
You may not be at that point yet, and that's okay. But it is always an option for you when and if you are done putting up with this.
Post by mrsukyankee on Apr 30, 2016 4:47:37 GMT -5
I am going to suggest therapy for you. Seriously. And then once you figure out why you are willing to put up with this bullshit, perhaps, maybe, couples therapy. If my H disrespected me for that long, I'm not sure I could stay with them. Because he's putting himself before you ever single time. He doesn't GAF about your feelings which would not be something I'd want in a friend, no less a husband.
I would not put my life's plans on hold (buying a house, having kids) for some SOB who can't be bothered to text me when he's out with his friends all night. No ma'am. Because he ain't putting anything on hold for you, clearly.
Wait...he leaves you at home with a screaming kid to do what he wants?
WTF
They don't have kids. That's her point. She doesn't want to be left at home w/ a screaming kid.
So, this is bullshit. It's rude, disrespectful, etc. But my suggestion? Change the reaction. When you think one of "those" nights is going to happen, don't call and text. I'd actually go into silent mode. I actually think THAT will freak him out. "Why isn't she yelling at me?".
I wonder what else is going on, though. It's not just THIS issue. WHile this is pretty bad, you say 100 times over 15 years? So maybe 6 times a year? Bad - I do NOT want to make it sound not pretty fucking bad. But THIS is what makes you decide to NOT have kids or buy a house?
I suspect this is just the tip of the iceberg. And yeah, I'm kind of wondering why you want to stick around and live w/ a man whose behavior GREATLY affects MAJOR life decisions.
This has happened probably a hundred times, so it's clearly not worth it to me to leave or issue a relationship ultimatum. Admittedly I know this is part of why we don't have kids and I'm still afraid to buy a house, though. I don't fully trust the man-child not to end up in a hospital because he got hit by a car biking home at 3am or leave me home dealing with a screaming kid while he does whatever the hell he wants.
How many times does it have to happen before you can see that you don't have to live this way? Whatever that number is, pretend you've reached it. If you are as unhappy and as angry (rightfully so; I don't mean to sound like I'm judging you) as you sound then it's well past time to talk and come to an agreement you both can (and will) abide by. Heck, my 18yo has an alarm on his phone that reminds him to check in with be before 11:30pm when he's out. He has no actual curfew because I know I can trust him to check in with me by 11:30.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Apr 30, 2016 7:02:52 GMT -5
I'm really sorry. Everyone is different but I know this type of disrespect and disregard would be a dealbreaker for me. It angers me that he is so disrespectful. I have a friend whose husband does this and they have three young children. The husband always frames it as work (he's in sales and does need to entertain clients) but it's really a part of am alcohol issue he has where he can abstain from drinking but binges when he drinks anything. She thinks she needs to leave but isn't ready. I don't know why I'm telling that but I guess I don't want you to think you are the only person who deals with this. You sound like maybe you don't feel worthy of decent treatment and that's not true. It happens to wonderful women like my friend but it's not ok.
I'm sorry. My stbxh did this a lot. I probably never would have left him over it, but he made the decision for me, and it has been a blessing in disguise. You deserve better.
The only times I've ever thought of leaving my husband is when he pulled this crap. We had a CTJ and that was it. I put him in check because this whole thing was a dealbreaker to me. And he has not done anything remotely like it for the past 10 years or so. I felt this was enough to leave over because I remember those nights being totally unsettled and I couldn't deal with - ever again.
Good luck to you. This can turn around but you need to be strong.
Post by fivechickens on Apr 30, 2016 7:47:37 GMT -5
I have dealt with this in a past relationship. There is absolutely no reason for a grown adult man to be out that late as many times as you say he does it. Nothing good happens after the bar closes.
Answer these truthfully to yourself:
Do YOU want kids? Do YOU want to but a home? If, yes, you shouldn't have to put your life on hold because he is a manchild.
Honestly, I would have a very hard time trusting him. For me at least, if you'd rather be out drinking at the bar than with your wife...that's a HUGE RED FLAG. His shit would be on the lawn, fuck putting it in garbage bags, and he would maybe realize then?
Maybe that's just me, but it absolutely seems like you have been with him 15 years too long. Do you really want to have another day where you're miserable ?
I often feel out of place here because staying out late isn't an issue for me at all. My H and I both do it on occasion and it is NBD to us.
However, it is a big deal to you and your h should respect that. And if he is biking home after drinking that is completely unacceptable.
It's the not calling/texting thing I find really annoying. My DH is much better about returning calls/texts now, but it was a struggle when we first got married.