I am feeling rage

[underwaterrhymes]

www.scarymommy.com/grieving-birth-plan/

This article is causing me to feel rage. What a privileged, self-absorbed piece of drivel. I would love to smack this woman.

[Monica Geller]

I read this article this morning and felt the same thing! I was like... "It's been 4 years. Time to build a bridge!"

[namasteak]

While I agree it is ok to grieve when your birth experience isn't what you wanted that woman is so whiney about it.

[Narwhal]

I shouldn't have read that. If she wants to hear a traumatic birth story FAR from my "plan" I'd be happy to share. She seriously needs some perspective and I really hope no one in her life has had a traumatic birth and has to hear her moan about how unfair life was to her.

ETA I do think anyone and everyone has the right to be sad if something didn't work to their expectations. It isn't a who had it worse battle, but I also think people need to have some perspective on their personal situation vs others and be aware of how others could take your sadness to a situation. If that makes any sense!

[ECB]

This topic of any is why I kind of hate the internet and all the INFORMATION that is out there. Yes, I think it;s smart to have a BASIC birth plan. Put out your basic wants out to everyone so that everyone knows and they know what your priorities are.

But when people put "everything" on their plan going EXACTLY AS PLANNED (and being able to read about so many other moms plans going EXACTLY AS PLANNED), that's where the trouble starts.

of ANYTHING in life, there is no "a b c" about child birth. You just don't know how a birth is going to go. And to get set on it going JUST RIGHT is setting yourself up for disappointment.

And I really do partially blame the internet. I've read enough about birth plans that I feel that this is yet another area where MTB put a huge pressure on themselves because they think this is what you're supposed to do and because you read about other plans working out wonderfully.

It's child birth. It just doesn't follow a plan.

[readyin07]

I can't get it up to feel rage b/c this person needs some serious professional help. Like stat. To even put her experience in remote comparison to the loss of a child is...Ok, maybe I feel a little rage.

[smock]

I can't imagine she's very pleasant to be around if a variation in her plan caused nearly half a decade of grief. I want to smack her too.

[underwaterrhymes]

May 1, 2016 10:23:03 GMT -5 namasteak said:

While I agree it is ok to grieve when your birth experience isn't what you wanted that woman is so whiney about it.

Well sure. But it's been four years. And, I'm sorry. It's not a loss. It's a disappointment.

[smock]

But both of my kids were born in "dingy hospital rooms," so what do I know.

[underwaterrhymes]

May 1, 2016 10:26:20 GMT -5 smock said:

But both of my kids were born in "dingy hospital rooms," so what do I know.

My dingy hospital room gave me champagne and cake.

[Monica Geller]

May 1, 2016 10:24:42 GMT -5 mp said:

I would never ever begrudge someone the ability to mourn over a loss of any kind particularly in that moment. But, 4 years. FOUR YEARS. If you're still deeply grieving this loss that happened four years ago... therapyyyy....

This is where I am. 

[regencygirl]

My birth plan with my first went right out the window when I experienced severe complications. I grieved for my plans of a natural birth but was very happy I was in a place where my emergency c-section saved my son's life. With DS2, my birth plan was even simpler, attempt a VBAC but be fully prepared for whatever life threw at me and to trust wisdom and experience of the midwife. I wound up with a successful VBAC, but there were a few dicey patches in there where it looked like I was heading for another c-section. I was a bit upset, but realized that ultimately, the word "attempt" had to be honored in my birth plan and would do whatever was needed. 4 years later feeling this way, this chick needs some therapy. She must be a joy to be around if her plans don't go exactly as he wanted.

[isabel]

Oh, Jesus. I was adamant that I did not want a c-section. Know what I got after 27 hours of labor? Yup. Fucking let it go, woman!

And, what's even better, I am pretty sure I will elect to have a scheduled c-section with the next one to avoid the potential repeat of the hell that was my first labor. People adjust and come to terms with their experiences. She might want to try it.

[RandZB]

Oh yeah, that got me all riled up this morning. I typically don't comment on stuff like that but I couldn't stop myself. What kills me is that the author actually experienced a loss with her first child. How can having a live healthy baby in a hospital, oh the horror, even register slightly as a loss? Disappointment, sure. But mourning it as a loss? Newp.

[hymen]

It's not the fact that she feels sad about the birthing experience. It's the way she words it. "I don't ever want anyone to tell me that I'm lucky my child is healthy." Like, come on. What should people say to her? "I'm sorry you had a vaginal delivery in a hospital?" For Pete's sake.

[underwaterrhymes]

May 1, 2016 10:43:16 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

I don't care if you have a birth plan that is 5 pages long or if you are sad about things not going as planned. After 2 kids and the blessing of having the exact birth I wanted for #2, I understand and respect that childbirth can be about more than just getting the baby out healthy. But to write a long, dramatic article FOUR years later and think that other people on the internet want to read it is just.. well yeah, self-absorbed and indulgent.

And to bring up women who have an actual loss of a child and to say, "well, it's not as bad as that, but it's still a loss," is so fucking navel-gazing ignorant I can't even put it into words.

[Elsa]

Good Lord.

I had a traumatic birth with M. Even my current OB said so. I very badly wanted a VBAC this time around. But when she told me that she cannot guarantee a good experience wth a VBAC and can all but guarantee a good experience with a RCS, then I changed my plan.

Birth is one of those things that you just don't have a lot of control over. Make a birth plan and take control where you can. But be flexible and keep in mind that a healthy baby and a healthy mama is the important outcome.

And good gravy, if you are still hung up on this enough to write 1,000 words about it, then maybe you should see a counselor.

[ECB]

May 1, 2016 10:45:35 GMT -5 RexManningDay said:

 

I get sobbing all through going to the hospital, even. That is a big disappointment in the moment. But hanging onto it and comparing it to other parenthood losses is just too far.

Yup.  100% agree.   Totally understand her disappointment in the moment.  But past that - she really does need perspective.

[Deleted]

Yeahhh, four years is way too long to dwell. I would have been pretty disappointed if my home birth went out the window, but I'd get over it. I think at this point, she could use some therapy.

[sequins]

I was up all night worrying about my baby's blood pressure and staving off a panic attack. So while I might be able to dredge up some crumbs of sympathy on some other day, today all I want to say is , FUCK YOU. You have a healthy child, thanks to all the aura-disturbing healthcare. STFU and deal, you moron.

[sequins]

Well. Anyway. I think she has PTSD from her shoulder thing. That's giving her the benefit of the doubt. She most likely is just a self-absorbed dick.

[foundmylazybum]

She lost me at the disappointment of not having cake and champagne.If you can't adjust to that loss in your birth plan then there are some serious issues going on here.

There is sad and we should have empathy--and then there is silliness. She is being silly.

[Gato]

Good lord. She sounds like a petulant child. I hope she gets reminded, daily, until the day she dies, how lucky she is to have a healthy child, living in comfort in a first world nation. Take your head out of your ass, or should I say your uterus, for 5 minutes, Joni, and see that the world is not about your perfect birth experience. Nobody cares that your precious didn't peacefully swim into the world in your birth pool. This is not drama. It's Veruca Salt territory.

[lookforstars]

Wow. I don't even know what to say about this one. Ugh.

[sparkythelawyer]

May 1, 2016 10:27:20 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

May 1, 2016 10:26:20 GMT -5 smock said:

But both of my kids were born in "dingy hospital rooms," so what do I know.

My dingy hospital room gave me champagne and cake.

Mine only had cheese and grapes but damn if they weren't the best cheese and grapes I've ever eaten at 1130pm...

[lissaholly]

Lol. If you read the only other article she wrote, the first piece of advice she gives is how to keep perspective and not compare yourself to others. Ha!

www.scarymommy.com/club-mid/on-the-front-lines-of-40-some-advice-for-my-former-selves/

[YeahSure]

May 1, 2016 10:25:49 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

May 1, 2016 10:23:03 GMT -5 namasteak said:

While I agree it is ok to grieve when your birth experience isn't what you wanted that woman is so whiney about it.

Well sure. But it's been four years. And, I'm sorry. It's not a loss. It's a disappointment.

It's valuable to know the difference since life has both, and when you get them mixed up you just sound like an asshole.

[Deleted]

I mean one of the 5000 support people couldn't have brought her the fucking cake?

I know it's not the point, but this lady is the WORST.

[elleblue]

May 1, 2016 11:31:49 GMT -5 YeahSure said:

May 1, 2016 10:25:49 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

Well sure. But it's been four years. And, I'm sorry. It's not a loss. It's a disappointment.

It's valuable to know the difference since life has both, and when you get them mixed up you just sound like an asshole.

And disappointments can certainly be crushing. If you can't seem to move past a disappointment, therapy may be needed. But even a crushing disappointment is not synonymous with loss. 

[specialk]