My mom said something profound yesterday

[jennistarr1]

And it is really troubling me.

She said "it's true what they say about cancer, I feel myself slowly fading to the back and life just fills on around you, everything just keeps going"

I asked if that was comforting to get (thinking it might mean that she feels like we would be okay)

But she said no, that is what is bothering her the most.

And that is what confirmed it for me that I really am fucking this up. She is still here and feels like she is not. I hope i can get my act together and make this time meaningful. But I feel myself constantly taking the easier more comfortable act like nothing is wrong approach so I keep going to school, going to work and all the day to day bullshit and if I come over and my mom is sleeping I just say "oh, OK"

I really do suck

[papie]

You don't suck. You need to keep living your life. I'm sure you are still there for your mom. I am so sorry you are going through this. (((hugs)))

[sparkythelawyer]

You don't suck. Cancer does. You are doing the best you can.

[snipsnsnails]

You listening and having this meaningful conversation with her is testament to you not sucking. xoxo

I'm sorry.

[FastHands]

You absolutely do not suck. She would never want you to stop living your life. You are being there for her the best you can, and I think letting her talk about her feelings and be honest is probably one of the best things you could do. It sucks and it is hard, but you can't "fix" everything. You are doing a great job at something that is unfathomably difficult.

[MixedBerryJam]

May 4, 2016 11:56:43 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

...

I'm sorry. You absolutely don't suck. The fact that you're even aware of this, and that you even asked the question, puts you squarely in the good daughter camp and lightyears ahead of most of the rest of us. None of us knows how to deal with this awful situation. You do what feels right; if something different starts to feel better for you/for her, you'll do that. 

(((hugs)))

[thinkofthesoldiers]

The thing about life is that it is for the living. When she is gone, you are going to have to keep going. Yes, it would be awesome if you had all the time and resources in the world to stop your life and be with her 100% of the time at the end of hers, but that isn't realistic. Truthfully, do you think that is what she would want? For you to stop your life and wait for her to die to pick up and move on? I highly doubt it. You do what you can with what you have, and she knows you are doing that. I don't think her statement is directed at you, and you aren't the only one in her life that is moving around her. She is coming to terms with death, as she should, and she is sharing her thoughts on that subject with you.

[dana2006]

No, it's not you. When my dad was in hospice care I felt the same, just carrying on daily life. The daily routine was an anchor. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[pantsparty]

I have had this feeling before, when my brother passed. It was odd, and sometimes made me feel resentful, to see others continuing on with their lives while I was still mired in grief.

However, this is the way it is. The thing is I don't believe anyone could have said or done anything differently. It's a fact of life that people continue living; I can see how your mom is grappling with this right niw, but based on your concern, it doesn't sound like you are uncaring or uninvolved.

[spitforspat]

You do not suck. You're helping her so much by being there for her to talk to. It is hard and there's no right or wrong way to get through it. (((Huge hugs)))

[readyin07]

Giant fucking tears. I imagine that this undid you. XO to you and your mom and family.

You don't suck at all and I can guarantee that your mom would hate that your conversation made you feel that way. Of course it is sad and troubling for her. I don't know her prognosis, but I would consider maybe contacting Hospice for recommendations for grief counseling for her (and you).

[cleo29]

You don't suck. This is just a really crappy situation. You are listening to your mom and best of all, letting her say how she really feels instead of hushing her up because it might be hard to hear. That is a wonderful show of love and understanding.

Big hugs

[dexteroni]

You don't suck. If you sucked, you would be like "God mom! What do you want from me?"

Most people don't know how to handle it when someone close to them has a serious illness. I had never heard that saying, but there's a reason it exists - it must be a pretty common scenario. Your mom is letting you know how it feels from her perspective. Now you can make some adjustments.

I'm sorry your family is dealing with this. Serious illness is so hard in so many ways. ((((((Hugs)))))))

[sewf]

May 4, 2016 12:10:02 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

The thing about life is that it is for the living. When she is gone, you are going to have to keep going. Yes, it would be awesome if you had all the time and resources in the world to stop your life and be with her 100% of the time at the end of hers, but that isn't realistic. Truthfully, do you think that is what she would want? For you to stop your life and wait for her to die to pick up and move on? I highly doubt it. You do what you can with what you have, and she knows you are doing that. I don't think her statement is directed at you, and you aren't the only one in her life that is moving around her. She is coming to terms with death, as she should, and she is sharing her thoughts on that subject with you.

I agree with this.

You don't suck. At all.

I am honestly having feelings like this myself lately. I posted a couple of weeks back about my aunt having cancer. She is in hospice now, and has maybe days left. I feel weird about just continuing my life, while my mom has been balancing being with my aunt and coming to my house to watch DS while I work (her choice...I offered to take time off or have MIL come out to watch him.) But I have to believe that they don't want us to halt our lives to be with them 24/7. Make the time memorable, sure, talk to her about her life, find out things you don't know, comfort her if she needs it. But then go out and breathe the fresh air, go on a picnic, go to the opera, travel somewhere you have always wanted to go. Live your life the best you can.

[bex1973]

Hugs jennistarr1 you don't suck. There is no right or wrong way to navigate this.

[rosiebear]

No, cancer sucks. You are doing an amazing job in an impossible situation. You are doing a balancing act the best way you can, and your mom knows it and loves you for it. I'm sorry you are both going through this.

[underwaterrhymes]

Cancer is very isolating.

You are not screwing up. Your mom knows how much you love her. Just keep telling her that and showing her through your actions.

[cville]

I'm so sorry. As everyone else has said, it's the disease, not you.

[cuddlyevil]

Cancer sucks the big one.

You, however, do not suck. As others have said, you will need to keep on living after she's gone. It's a mindfuck, but you have things you need to take care of too. You're not screwing anything up here, cancer fucked it all up.

{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}

[sassycat]

You don't suck, as sparky said CANCER SUCKS! You are there for the times you can be and making it quality time. You are listening to her, trying to comfort her, and being there for her.

You are also dealing with the potential loss of your mom how your life is going to be after she is not here and trying to maintain your own life with the awful feelings of guilt.

You are doing the best you can, and don't let anyone make you feel any less.
I was there with my brother the last month of his life, and I could only give him what he needed, he didn't want to talk or listen to me he just wanted to be alone. That was very sad.

We are all here for you, and if you ever just want to vent send me a pm if you would like. I am not well known but am here daily. Take care of you please and a long distance hug is on the way.

[curtains]

My dad passed from cancer. It was a long hard battle and I think he wanted to know he would always be relevent. Even when he was gone. It's hard to think your loved ones will just go on without you. Even if you are a saint and never say it out loud it is very real. And very depressing.

Can you ask if you can document her life and thoughts? Get a notebook and dig up all the pictures you can and ask her to do the same. Spend some time with her letting her tell her stories and memories and looking at old pictures to conjure up more. You might find that it gives her a purpose and a project. It really helped my dad feel important again to talk and relive and pass on advice and love to everyone and the grandchildren. He got to be part of his own legacy and have a say in how he lived on for all of us.

I will admit it was sometimes really painful to listen to. But it meant a lot to him and we laughed a lot too and I learned a lot about him.


It has been five years and tbh I couldnt read any of it once he passed. It was all too much and too raw. But now it is nice to look at with my dd who was young when it happened. I still can't spend too much time going through it but it is such a gift and I feel comforted knowing I have it and it was something special he shared.

I am soooo sorry. I know how much it sucks. ((((Hugs))))

[RoxMonster]

You do not suck. Not at all.

This is so hard. No one really knows how to navigate through this. When FIL was dying and especially his last week in hospice, I felt this way. I won't pretend to know how the person with cancer feels, but I know as a loved one grieving, I felt weird that, when we weren't at hospice, we were carrying on with normal life things. Having conversations about other stuff, doing work, paying bills, buying groceries. There was this huge awful thing going on, but at the same time, all the rest of my life had to keep moving. I couldn't just....stop.

I don't think her comment was directed at you, especially in a negative way. You are there for her; you still have to carry on with other aspects of your life at the same time.

Cancer sucks and it isn't fair. I am so sorry you are going through this.

[jennistarr1]

Thanks everyone, I know it wasn't directed at me, she was just talking. I'm glad she said it. It helps me understand how she feels and where her mind is.

And it is really lonely, so I really appreciate you guys being here.

I called a doctor for my mom today, got unexpectedly choked up, tried closing my office door but probably didn't quite make it before I was full on bawling. So my coworker comes in, asks me what is wrong. I try telling him and he said I'm sorry and just sat there staring at me. Awkward silence. He says again, I'm sorry....I nod, he nods...awkward silence and then he eventually points to the door (like I'm going to go now) and I nod and he leaves.

I appreciate he doesn't know what to say, but I started alone, ended alone...and could have done without that awkwardness where I felt even more alone