Crying at work

[daisyn]

What do you think about a person crying a lot in their boss's office because they are really sensitive?  And this is over a long period of time and two bosses comparing notes.  Weird, normal or something else.
or too vague of a question?

[theblissisback]

I need more information.

Like crying for an hour because Sue didn't change the printer toner? Or crying for an hour because Joe made them uncomfortable with a harassment comment.

Or crying at work because one of their coworkers committed suicide and sitting next to their empty desk was too much.

Or crying because a boss screamed at you for 20 mins over a mistake they made.

The last 2 have happened to me / or someone I know.

So...more details.

[lizlemon19]

May 4, 2016 18:39:13 GMT -5 daisyn said:

What do you think about a person crying a lot in their boss's office because they are really sensitive?  And this is over a long period of time and two bosses comparing notes.  Weird, normal or something else.
or too vague of a question?

I feel like this depends on the field. I am a social worker, and have cried at work on more than one occasion, but I wouldn't say on the regular. Sometimes in my boss's office. Due to the nature of the work, it does come up if it is a really stressful or depressing case, or after a tragedy. I also lost two co-workers unexpectedly.

I feel like if it is a business type setting and happening frequently due to not being able to handle stress or criticsm, it be a good fit for that person.

[daisyn]

Like yesterday for example crying because she made a bad decision and received an email from her boss's boss saying
1. You did the wrong thing 2. This is what you should've done and 3. In the future copy me on stuff like this so I'm not blindsided

So getting feedback
And she was crying because she felt like she was getting attacked
Most recent example I can think of

[dancelnow]

That's way overreacting to a very reasonable sounding email.

[scout8]

I don't know. It sounds like she is really sensitive. Of course, she should learn how to take criticism better, but I'm not going to judge her. I am not a crier, but some people cry easily. Are you the boss that she is crying to? If not, I'm not sure why it concerns you.

[theblissisback]

May 4, 2016 18:54:17 GMT -5 daisyn said:

Like yesterday for example crying because she made a bad decision and received an email from her boss's boss saying
1. You did the wrong thing 2. This is what you should've done and 3. In the future copy me on stuff like this so I'm not blindsided

So getting feedback
And she was crying because she felt like she was getting attacked
Most recent example I can think of

O yikes. Not good. Save it for home.

[nancybotwin]

May 4, 2016 18:39:13 GMT -5 daisyn said:

What do you think about a person crying a lot in their boss's office because they are really sensitive?  And this is over a long period of time and two bosses comparing notes.  Weird, normal or something else.
or too vague of a question?

We have a norm at work "you are responsible to get yourself to your executive state" -- there are times something happens and you feel upset, bad, vulnerable and cry. It happens to all of us. I had someone crying in my office today. Heck, I cried in my own office today. But "a lot" and "because they are really sensitive"? Nope. You're an adult and you have to learn to breathe and control your emotions at times.

[daisyn]

May 4, 2016 19:09:07 GMT -5 scout8 said:

I don't know. It sounds like she is really sensitive. Of course, she should learn how to take criticism better, but I'm not going to judge her. I am not a crier, but some people cry easily. Are you the boss that she is crying to? If not, I'm not sure why it concerns you.

Yes she's really sensitive
and yes it concerns me because I'm her boss

I kind of feel like if she was crying because she made a mistake that's one thing, but crying because she felt he was being a jerk telling what to do next time just shows she can't handle simple feedback.

shes worked for me for about 4 months and cried at least 4 times.  Idk maybe that's not excessive but it's just bizarre to me.  I don't think I've ever cried at work, maybe in the bathroom once or twice.

[Pilsy]

May 4, 2016 19:09:07 GMT -5 scout8 said:

Are you the boss that she is crying to? If not, I'm not sure why it concerns you.

I was going to ask this, too.  If she's not your employee, it doesn't concern you.  If she is, I'd think long and hard about whether this is truly interfering with her work.  Does it happen so often that she can't be productive?  

It's challenging to manage and/or work with people who react differently to things than you do, but it's part of everyone's job.  


I believe many people erroneously believe a woman's emotions are eligible for criticism in a way many other habits/characteristics (many of which are not ideal in a colleague or employee) are not.  

[daisyn]

May 4, 2016 19:30:45 GMT -5 Pilsy said:

May 4, 2016 19:09:07 GMT -5 scout8 said:

Are you the boss that she is crying to? If not, I'm not sure why it concerns you.

I was going to ask this, too.  If she's not your employee, it doesn't concern you.  If she is, I'd think long and hard about whether this is truly interfering with her work.  Does it happen so often that she can't be productive?  

It's challenging to manage and/or work with people who react differently to things than you do, but it's part of everyone's job.  


I believe many people erroneously believe a woman's emotions are eligible for criticism in a way many other habits/characteristics (many of which are not ideal in a colleague or employee) are not.  

That's an interesting perspective.
And I coached her through it.  She's told me before she has low self esteem so I think that's part of it.  I told her how to handle it and she did what I said and I tried to encourage her to take feedback because that's how you learn.
Its just that she makes me feel like her therapist.  I literally can't ask her how she is anymore because she'll launch into a 20 min drama about something.  I guess it's about more than just the crying.  Everything is the end of the world.  I can't handle all the drama.

[mbcdefg]

Maybe she's got something going on in her personal life?

[loskadoodle]

I'm super sensitive. I cry at any sort of confrontation. I hate it about myself but don't know how else to stop it. I also cry when I'm stressed. And my boss stresses me out. So he sees me cry like once a month.

I think I need to find a new job lol

[Pilsy]

May 4, 2016 19:35:47 GMT -5 @foodielicious said:

I also think it perpetuates the "emotional woman" narrative in the workplace and is damaging to all women.

I get this, for sure.  At the same time, perpetuating the narrative is only part of the problem.  The other part is insisting emotions are, by definition, terrible and/or unprofessional.  They're not.  


I think this is a good opportunity for one woman to respect her differences with another, rather than putting her down.  Is it ideal?  No.  Is it necessarily cause for ridicule or gossip?  I don't think so.  

[tacom]

I lost it and cried at work once in a 1:1 meeting (during my fellowship) - that one time was enough for me to seek treatment for anxiety. 4x in 4 months seems awfully excessive

[Pilsy]

If your description is fact-based and she hasn't entered BEC territory with you, I think it's safe to say she has some annoying traits (by subjective measure) and you don't mesh well. I work with a few people who have little self awareness and tell long, boring, self-centered stories often and certainly at inappropriate times, so I get it. I think it holds them back. On the other hand, most are perfectly competent and I doubt they're going to get fired for being odd. The longer I know them, the less it bothers me; I avoid speaking with them when I can help it.

It's tough in your relationship. If I were you, I'd exercise caution in talking about it with other managers lest it be viewed as gossiping. If the employee is dramatic and sensitive, it's in your best interest not to give her just cause to think you're being unfair to her or picking on her. Be your very professional self and try to turn it into a learning experience.

You do have my sympathy, though. If sounds as if working with her is very draining!

[daisyn]

May 4, 2016 19:40:42 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

Maybe she's got something going on in her personal life?

She does 
I gave her the number for the EAP.  She can get 3 free sessions with a therapist.  I even told her there was one across the street that she could consider going to on her lunch hour.  She told me she went twice and was good.  I don't know, I can only get so involved in my employees personal issues.  I'm glad she told me because I think it's important and not trying to discount it.  But I don't need daily updates.  We are so busy at work right now I'm working 12 hour days.

[daisyn]

May 4, 2016 19:48:08 GMT -5 Pilsy said:

If your description is fact-based and she hasn't entered BEC territory with you, I think it's safe to say she has some annoying traits (by subjective measure) and you don't mesh well. I work with a few people who have little self awareness and tell long, boring, self-centered stories often and certainly at inappropriate times, so I get it. I think it holds them back. On the other hand, most are perfectly competent and I doubt they're going to get fired for being odd. The longer I know them, the less it bothers me; I avoid speaking with them when I can help it.

It's tough in your relationship. If I were you, I'd exercise caution in talking about it with other managers lest it be viewed as gossiping. If the employee is dramatic and sensitive, it's in your best interest not to give her just cause to think you're being unfair to her or picking on her. Be your very professional self and try to turn it into a learning experience.

You do have my sympathy, though. If sounds as if working with her is very draining!

I appreciate that
and with the other boss I just asked if she cried in her office too and she said "all the time".  (It was her boss before me)
because I thought maybe it was me!

[ECB]

I'm kind of wondering how old she is and how long she's been in the workforce.

I get being sensitive but there comes a point where you need to not bring drama to your job. I just feel like she' s going to really hurt herself professionally if she keeps going down this path.

[SJ]

I have cried in front of my boss 2 times in 10 years. Each one HAUNTS me. It's just really the worst feeling.

But I know it happens to many (most?) at one point or another.

[daisyn]

May 4, 2016 20:01:24 GMT -5 ECB said:

I'm kind of wondering how old she is and how long she's been in the workforce.

I get being sensitive but there comes a point where you need to not bring drama to your job. I just feel like she' s going to really hurt herself professionally if she keeps going down this path.

50s

and yea she doesn't have a great reputation at work in general

[ECB]

50s?! Wow. That shocks me, TBH.

[genet313]

I have somehow managed not to cry in front of a boss at work.  I have cried PLENTY in the privacy of my own office though.  Thankfully I am no longer at that shitty job. 

OP, is there something going on in this employee's personal life that may be affecting her reactions at work?  I think it's common to let life issues spill into work and lead to frustrations.

[scout8]

May 4, 2016 19:26:15 GMT -5 daisyn said:

May 4, 2016 19:09:07 GMT -5 scout8 said:

I don't know. It sounds like she is really sensitive. Of course, she should learn how to take criticism better, but I'm not going to judge her. I am not a crier, but some people cry easily. Are you the boss that she is crying to? If not, I'm not sure why it concerns you.

Yes she's really sensitive
and yes it concerns me because I'm her boss

I kind of feel like if she was crying because she made a mistake that's one thing, but crying because she felt he was being a jerk telling what to do next time just shows she can't handle simple feedback.

shes worked for me for about 4 months and cried at least 4 times.  Idk maybe that's not excessive but it's just bizarre to me.  I don't think I've ever cried at work, maybe in the bathroom once or twice.

Ok. Got it. If you are the boss and it is bothering you, then you will need to figure out how to deal with her. I don't manage people, but maybe others here will have some advice for you. Good luck!

[daisyn]

May 4, 2016 20:25:32 GMT -5 ECB said:

50s?! Wow. That shocks me, TBH.

Yea I know, something is definitely "off" with her.  She has a lot of issues.  My boss said just start documenting things and I can get rid of her.  But I don't think her performance is bad enough to fire her.  I've been saving stuff though to look at all at once and decide.  Does she do an ok job?  Yea probably.  But I need a dream team to reach the really high goals set for my team this year.

[larzhope]

May 4, 2016 21:13:24 GMT -5 daisyn said:

May 4, 2016 20:25:32 GMT -5 ECB said:

50s?! Wow. That shocks me, TBH.

Yea I know, something is definitely "off" with her.  She has a lot of issues.  My boss said just start documenting things and I can get rid of her.  But I don't think her performance is bad enough to fire her.  I've been saving stuff though to look at all at once and decide.  Does she do an ok job?  Yea probably.  But I need a dream team to reach the really high goals set for my team this year.

I work in HR and I can tell you right now, we've fired plenty of people who have fine performance but are a drain to the workplace in other ways.  Do you have an HR person at your job?  they often have plenty of resources for managers on how to have these conversations, how to manage it in the moment as well as how to coach the employee after the fact.

[AAM2012]

May 4, 2016 18:54:17 GMT -5 daisyn said:

Like yesterday for example crying because she made a bad decision and received an email from her boss's boss saying
1. You did the wrong thing 2. This is what you should've done and 3. In the future copy me on stuff like this so I'm not blindsided

So getting feedback
And she was crying because she felt like she was getting attacked
Most recent example I can think of

Um no...ain't nobody got time or the patience for that.

[insominac]

I cried yesterday but that was because my dog was in surgery.

[theblissisback]

Why is crying at work wrong?

Is it because it's a preconceived weakness?

It is because as women we need to be less emotional?

It is unprofessional to show emotion and be upset at how others treated us?


Just playing Devils advocate here.


I gues...4x in 4 months, is once a month.

Idk..I mean, WHY are women constantly told they can't show emotion or be feminine, because it's a weakness.

I'm not sure if showing her emotions makes her a bad employee. Ya know?

[Deleted]

May 5, 2016 4:12:56 GMT -5 mp said:

I hate the idea that women shouldn't cry if we want to be respected by the menfolk. Fuck that. Men need to accept that emotions are normal and tears don't mean crazy.

Sure. Doing it frequently? No Bueno. Part of being a professional is handling yourself and crying A LOT is not good. But crying, ever? Meh. It happens. And fuck anyone who tries to say that we should act like men to be respected by men.

I'm here, tbh. I'm also 39+ Weeks pregnant and pretty short tempered as I strive to Get Shit Done before going on my abbreviated maternity leave. I made the right decision yesterday to give myself a night before calling a client out on an absolutely ridiculous breech of contract and professional decency. But I'm going to have to go Angry While Female on him tomorrow and it's not likely to be pretty. I will not cry because I'm too angry to cry.

I've cried at work in the last. Sobbed, in fact. In all three cases it was entirely justified. I have no regrets.