Dealbreakers vs. things you discuss?**updated**

[blackkitty]

How do you know the difference between whether something is a dealbreaker or something that you discuss with someone you are dating in hopes their behavior changes (i.e. giving them a "chance")

[dakotadangerdog]

I have very little hope for anyone's behavior changing.

[bullygirl979]

Sept 6, 2012 11:07:52 GMT -5 dakotadangerdog said:

I have very little hope for anyone's behavior changing.

This. My experience tells me that it is a very small percentage of people that actually change.

Plus, it totally depends on what it is. Drinking too much is totally different than leaving your towel on the floor.

[achase123]

I kind of gage their attitude about it. For example, V was a smoker and I don't do cigarettes at all. I hate the smell, I don't want it around P, etc. He told me he only did it when he drank, but I noticed he did it constantly, WAY more than I was comfortable with. at least he did it outside, but still. He also drank too much and we talked about it. He mentioned numerous times that he was who he was and he liked how I didn't try to change him. That showed me that these things weren't up for negotiation. So I knew that I had to just know that there were things about him that were dealbreakers, which would never allow me to be in a l/term relationship with him.

I think that it's difficult to change someone. If a person I'm dating does things I'm not comfortable with right off the bat, usually that's a dealbreaker. I wouldn't want someone to try to change me, therefore I'm not going to try to change them, but I just make note of it and realize that it isn't going to work with us.

[blackkitty]

Sept 6, 2012 11:10:01 GMT -5 achase123 said:

I wouldn't want someone to try to change me, therefore I'm not going to try to change them, but I just make note of it and realize that it isn't going to work with us.

So would you say to someone "this isn't going to work because of XYZ" or just "this isn't working for me, peace out motha fucka"

[dakotadangerdog]

Sept 6, 2012 11:12:46 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Sept 6, 2012 11:10:01 GMT -5 achase123 said:

I wouldn't want someone to try to change me, therefore I'm not going to try to change them, but I just make note of it and realize that it isn't going to work with us.

So would you say to someone "this isn't going to work because of XYZ" or just "this isn't working for me, peace out motha fucka"

I'd say "hey guy, your excessive drinking/whatever reason is just not gonna fly with me. Peace the fuck out"

[blackkitty]

Sept 6, 2012 11:18:17 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

When it comes to little things, they're only dealbreakers if they grate on my nerves so much that it makes me not be able to stand them. If you like them enough, little annoyances are just that, annoyances, and not dealbreakers.

You know what I am talking about... so is that an annoyance or dealbreaker?

[formerlyak]

Bad communicator because they just don't want to talk about things like an adult = dealbreaker

"Bad communicator" because you have different communication styles but are willing to find something you are both comfortable with so that you have a way to communicate effectively together = point for discussion; not a dealbreaker

I think there are hard and fast dealbreakers -- like smoking is one for me. Or cheating or abuse. And then there are things like I illustrated above that are potential dealbreakers, but need to be discussed to see if there is a middle ground or if it actually is a dealbreaker.

[dakotadangerdog]

Sept 6, 2012 11:18:51 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Sept 6, 2012 11:18:17 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

When it comes to little things, they're only dealbreakers if they grate on my nerves so much that it makes me not be able to stand them. If you like them enough, little annoyances are just that, annoyances, and not dealbreakers.

You know what I am talking about... so is that an annoyance or dealbreaker?

I don't know your sitch, but if it's something trivial that you can live with, it's an annoyance. If it's something that effects you negatively and you don't think you will be able to live with it in the long term, it'd be a dealbreaker.

[explorer2001]

It depends on the behavior. If its something where minor coaching can improve the situation (I really love it when you kiss my neck, could you kiss more and nibble less?) Then its worth having the conversation. If its a bigger issue, values, lifestyle, etc. You really can't change people. There was no amount if work on my part that would make my ex less of an abusive douche. Drinking, smoking, work ethic, etc don't tend to change. If its a one off thing (wow you got really drunk last night at the wake/wedding/bparty and that makes me uncomfortable) vs a pattern (you get drunk every weekend), then you see if its a character trait or just an odd event. Once you know its character, you have to decide if you want to live with it or peace out. I typically recommend peace out.

[blackkitty]

Sept 6, 2012 11:24:14 GMT -5 dakotadangerdog said:

Sept 6, 2012 11:18:51 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

You know what I am talking about... so is that an annoyance or dealbreaker?

I don't know your sitch, but if it's something trivial that you can live with, it's an annoyance. If it's something that effects you negatively and you don't think you will be able to live with it in the long term, it'd be a dealbreaker.

It's basically what AK said interestingly enough. He sucks at communication. I was trying to decide whether to peace out or talk to him about it.
And no, I can't live with it in the long term.

[dakotadangerdog]

Sept 6, 2012 11:26:48 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Sept 6, 2012 11:24:14 GMT -5 dakotadangerdog said:

I don't know your sitch, but if it's something trivial that you can live with, it's an annoyance. If it's something that effects you negatively and you don't think you will be able to live with it in the long term, it'd be a dealbreaker.

It's basically what AK said interestingly enough. He sucks at communication. I was trying to decide whether to peace out or talk to him about it.
And no, I can't live with it in the long term.

Well I think it could be worth talking to him about it, and if he legit seems like he is open to working on it I'd give him a chance, short term. If nothing changes I'd peace out, if he gets better I'd keep trying with him.

I am naturally really terrible at communicating, I'm making a legitimate effort to get better at it though, and I am much better than I was when I was with XH. Still a work in progress though..

[naeljun]

Sept 6, 2012 11:26:48 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Sept 6, 2012 11:24:14 GMT -5 dakotadangerdog said:

I don't know your sitch, but if it's something trivial that you can live with, it's an annoyance. If it's something that effects you negatively and you don't think you will be able to live with it in the long term, it'd be a dealbreaker.

It's basically what AK said interestingly enough. He sucks at communication. I was trying to decide whether to peace out or talk to him about it.
And no, I can't live with it in the long term.

Is this the guy you went out a couple times last week? That stinks.

[blackkitty]

Sept 6, 2012 11:31:45 GMT -5 naeljun said:

Sept 6, 2012 11:26:48 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

It's basically what AK said interestingly enough. He sucks at communication. I was trying to decide whether to peace out or talk to him about it.
And no, I can't live with it in the long term.

Is this the guy you went out a couple times last week? That stinks.

Yes, that's the one
He has a lot of great qualities, so I am on the fence about this.
I'm going to talk to him about it though. We'll see how it goes.

[starburst604]

Can you give an example of the bad communication?

[formerlyak]

Well, I will elaborate then if my example is what you were asking about. Fi and I have very different communications styles. It isn't that either of us can't have an adult conversation and work things out, it is that we simply communicate in different ways. For example, if something is bugging me, I like to talk about it now if not sooner and just get it over with. He likes to form his thoughts and then talk about it. Neither are right or wrong, they are different and people are comfortable with different things. Very early in our relationship I thought he wasn't wanting to communicate about something that was obviously bothering him, so I said, "Look, I was in a marriage with someone who didn't know how to communicate at all. If you can't talk to me about what is bothering you, this will never work." And he talked and then we talked about our communication preferences. Almost two years later, I can't think of anything we can't and don't talk about. Sometimes we talk right away, and sometimes we wait. I think we have both learned to be more comfortable with the other person's style and respect that because we know if it is important, we will be able to talk about it.

Does that make sense?

[blackkitty]

Sept 6, 2012 11:35:32 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Can you give an example of the bad communication?

He talks non-stop
Not all the time, but sometimes. It's mostly when he gets "excited". Last night we were on the phone for 25 minutes and he talked the whole time. I might have said 2 words. I'm not into interupting and I'm a good listener but it has to go both ways. I know he was excited yesterday b/c he just closed on his new house. But sometimes he doesn't seem to have any regard for me. It's primarily on the phone but also on our first date (but I chalked that up to nerves). When we are together he doesn't do it as much.

Also, while he "tries to get me to talk" some times I don't think he knows how to have a conversation. Like he has asked me maybe 2 questions without prompting in the 2 weeks I have known him. I can even tell you what they were.
He also asked my BIL some questions about me and I told him to feel free to ask me anything rather than asking BIL. His response was that he'd find out the answers when I was ready. (like he didn't follow up with any questions)

[starburst604]

Yeah I would find that annoying. He might not realize that he does it, maybe if you point it out he'll be more aware and not do it as much. I've had to tell T that sometimes when we're in a group setting or meeting new people he doesn't let me get a word in edgewise and I look like the quiet gf. He thanked me for pointing it out and I know he didn't mean any harm by it.

[formerlyak]

Sept 6, 2012 11:38:12 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Sept 6, 2012 11:35:32 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Can you give an example of the bad communication?

He talks non-stop
Not all the time, but sometimes. It's mostly when he gets "excited". Last night we were on the phone for 25 minutes and he talked the whole time. I might have said 2 words. I'm not into interupting and I'm a good listener but it has to go both ways. I know he was excited yesterday b/c he just closed on his new house. But sometimes he doesn't seem to have any regard for me. It's primarily on the phone but also on our first date (but I chalked that up to nerves). When we are together he doesn't do it as much.

Just sounds like he is a bad phone person. Or perhaps he just really feels comfortable sharing with you and doesn't know how else to do it ... or doesn't realize he is doing it. I would put this in the "have a conversation about it" category, not the "peace out" category.

[achase123]

Sept 6, 2012 11:12:46 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Sept 6, 2012 11:10:01 GMT -5 achase123 said:

I wouldn't want someone to try to change me, therefore I'm not going to try to change them, but I just make note of it and realize that it isn't going to work with us.

So would you say to someone "this isn't going to work because of XYZ" or just "this isn't working for me, peace out motha fucka"

I wouldn't probably give a specific reason, if it was something huge that was a dealbreaker. When I broke things off with V I just said that we had different expectations out of life and what we were looking for. I just chalked it up to us being too different.

[achase123]

I went on a few dates with a guy like that and we talked on the phone a lot. I found he did it more on the phone but it was still REALLY annoying. I interpreted it as being sort of selfish. He would interrupt me and then say something like "I just interrupted you and that was so rude, I'm sorry" and then proceed to continue doing it. It was definitely a turnoff. Communication is HUGE. I would say if you're noticing this already it's not a great sign.

[formerlyak]

Sept 6, 2012 11:46:53 GMT -5 achase123 said:

I went on a few dates with a guy like that and we talked on the phone a lot. I found he did it more on the phone but it was still REALLY annoying. I interpreted it as being sort of selfish. He would interrupt me and then say something like "I just interrupted you and that was so rude, I'm sorry" and then proceed to continue doing it. It was definitely a turnoff. Communication is HUGE. I would say if you're noticing this already it's not a great sign.

Unless, unlike in your situation, the guy actually listens to what BK says and does something about it. It sounds like your guy heard what you had to say, but didn't actually work to do something about it other than acknowledge he was doing it. KWIM?

[stephbfan]

Sept 6, 2012 11:38:12 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Sept 6, 2012 11:35:32 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Can you give an example of the bad communication?

He talks non-stop
Not all the time, but sometimes. It's mostly when he gets "excited". Last night we were on the phone for 25 minutes and he talked the whole time. I might have said 2 words. I'm not into interupting and I'm a good listener but it has to go both ways. I know he was excited yesterday b/c he just closed on his new house. But sometimes he doesn't seem to have any regard for me. It's primarily on the phone but also on our first date (but I chalked that up to nerves). When we are together he doesn't do it as much.

Also, while he "tries to get me to talk" some times I don't think he knows how to have a conversation. Like he has asked me maybe 2 questions without prompting in the 2 weeks I have known him. I can even tell you what they were.
He also asked my BIL some questions about me and I told him to feel free to ask me anything rather than asking BIL. His response was that he'd find out the answers when I was ready. (like he didn't follow up with any questions)

My BFF is like that and it drives me crazy.
I see it as a sign of selfishness. If he is really interested in getting to know you, he would give you the chance to talk.

[achase123]

Sept 6, 2012 12:07:55 GMT -5 mintchocochip said:

Sept 6, 2012 11:18:51 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

You know what I am talking about... so is that an annoyance or dealbreaker?

That's why I wrote it haha. Depends on how much you like him

I don't know what it is exactly that you're talking about, but, to me, you shouldn't feel annoyed by someone in this stage! You should feel giddy/excited/over the moon to see him.

[blackkitty]

Thanks for all of your perspectives, it really helped me.

I saw him this afternoon. We talked about it. I was really light-hearted about it but made sure he knew I was serious. I didn't feel like 2 weeks into seeing each was the right time to have a "serious conversation" so that is why I chose to keep it "light". He seemed to really get it though. I feel like he listened to me. I'm really proud of myself b/c I normally wouldn't have said anything I would have just peaced out. And the reason is really b/c my XH NEVER listened to me. And he thought it was hysterical that he never listened too. So some time about 7 years ago I just stopped talking. And it almost killed me. It feels better to tell people my perspective. Even if I don't "owe them an explanation". It's nice to have my voice back, regardless of how things end up going with him. I feel like that part almost matters less than the fact that I was able to say what was on my mind.

[doriswe]

I'm proud of you, that is all!!

[jojoandleo]

Sept 6, 2012 18:57:19 GMT -5 @blackkitty said:

Thanks for all of your perspectives, it really helped me.

I saw him this afternoon. We talked about it. I was really light-hearted about it but made sure he knew I was serious. I didn't feel like 2 weeks into seeing each was the right time to have a "serious conversation" so that is why I chose to keep it "light". He seemed to really get it though. I feel like he listened to me. I'm really proud of myself b/c I normally wouldn't have said anything I would have just peaced out. And the reason is really b/c my XH NEVER listened to me. And he thought it was hysterical that he never listened too. So some time about 7 years ago I just stopped talking. And it almost killed me. It feels better to tell people my perspective. Even if I don't "owe them an explanation". It's nice to have my voice back, regardless of how things end up going with him. I feel like that part almost matters less than the fact that I was able to say what was on my mind.

:Y: :Y: You rule!

[Bernadine]

I'm glad you spoke up, and glad that he was receptive!

[formerlyak]

That's an awesome update! I am glad he listened.

[dakotadangerdog]

yay!! that is awesome bk