What was the last straw?

[mandimija]

I had a few 'moments,' and each gave me the strength (or perhaps the clarity to find the strength) to break away a bit more. It's odd when you're in such a screwed up situation with abusive men. By the time things are really bad, they've usually done so much gas lighting and crazy making that you begin to doubt if your perceptions, and thus your own desires to end or change the situation, can even be trusted. To me, it was crucial to have these moments as incontrovertible proof that I was not crazy and needed to get the hell out.

The first one was Christmas Day, 2010. We had gotten in late to my parents' house after spending Christmas Eve at a church service for his ministry job. The next morning, XH insisted on going to Mass. I had recently been diagnosed with exhaustion, and had family in from out of state, some of whom I hadn't seen in years. I didn't want to go. XH threw a fit amd threatened to get my parents to "make me" go. I knew he was full of shit, but did not want to get my parents involved, so I went to shut him up and keep the peace. On the way, he started his verbally abusive routine. I remember standing in the chirch vestibule thinking that this would be our last Christmas. I was right.

The second time came after he'd scared me so badly that I took an 80 pound table and used or to barricade our bedroom door until he quit pounding on/shoving against it. This was after he'd terrified me downstairs, so I bopped his arm (not hard) to get him to let me pass so that I could get away from him. He went to the cops the next day, claiming abuse over his bopped arm. I left that night, and then the cops called me, offering to arrest XH. Apparently, he fit the profile of an abuser about to lose control.

The last one was when we were trying to work it out one last time, so we went on a work trip for him to Oklahoma City. He was an ass, and tried to make me feel guilty for leaving (classic cycle of abuse shit). When we got back, he had choir practice, which usually ran until 8-9ish. I asked him to be home by midnight so that we could connect a bit. He told me that I'd been one for four months, so he'd be gone however long he pleased. That was it. I found a friend to stay with, found a lawyer, made an appointment, and filed. I informed him of this decision in marriage counseling the following day.

The first moment gave me the strength to start pushing back against his abuse. The second one gave me the strength to leave. The third one gave me the strength to actually pull the trigger and file. I'm happy now, but damn that was a hard road.

[bowies]

I had about 50 last straw moments. The problem was that I was too scared to file. Divorce was, and is, a BFD. There wouldn't be any going back. I was alone in a new city and I was scared and he preyed on that.

The thing that finally ignited the fire under my ass was my credit rating. Our rental was ending during the trial separation, so I had to find another place (one that I could afford on my own if it came to that). I put in an application on a condo, and mentioned the situation to my prospective landlord in case I added him to the lease in the future. He called to tell me I had the rental, but mentioned something big he saw on the credit report that I hadn't disclosed. Apparently my XH had stolen a credit card out of the lockbox and maxed it out to the tune of $16K in a day. I made three phone calls that day. One to XH to tell him I was divorcing his ass. One to a lawyer. And one to my mom freaking the fuck out.

I didn't pay a dime of that $16K and it was taken off my credit report. He was dumb and it was a joint card with him as primary. I still don't know what the money went to...it was all cash withdrawals. My leading theory is that he needed it to bail himself out of jail for driving drunk. He was fired from his job not long after I filed. About a year after that, when I dug out the paperwork on my e-ring so I could sell it, I found all the credit card statements stuffed in the folder. It was his final fuck you, I guess.

[naeljun]

We were getting ready to go to a wedding and he came into our bedroom high as a kite after smoking a joint. I said to him something along the the lines that we were going to a wedding and I couldn't believe he smoked before we were leaving. His response was that he did it so he could deal with me. I was done after that.

[blondnearby]

My final straw was actually an argument over a bowl. I was 3 months pregnant and had a 15 month old on chemotherapy. I had cleaned up dinner while exH was eating ice cream. I had just put my 15 month old to bed and walked out to ex's bowl in the middle of the counter with ice cream on the counter. I was ticked so I told him I was done picking up after him that day and to put his damn bowl away or he could sleep on the couch (we were already having issues at this point, him cheating is just one). I went to the bedroom and locked the door. I had gotten ready for bed and was right in front of the door when he busted the door open and ended up choking me against the wall. I finally got away by poking him in the eyes. He left to go live with my mom. And I filed for divorce the day he drained the bank account and left me and his sick daughter with nothing.

[Deleted]

It's a combination....we fought at home over going grocery shopping, he ended up kicking me in my thigh so hard that I collapsed to the ground. (he was in martial arts). I had a large swollen hematoma on my leg and it was painful to walk. Then I went through the family plan cell phone bill because he'd been acting out more than usual. There were hundreds of calls and texts to a certain number over the previous 3 months. I called and hung up when a girl answered. After all he put me through, he'd been cheating. I was DONE.

[bookworm85]

When he walked out on me and my son said I knew he was going to leave again. He is trying to come back now, but if I take him back what lessons are I teaching my son. He is no longer a baby he is 10 and that was it. I rather struggle everyday then to worry if this the day he going to walk out again.

[Deleted]

I'm reading these posts and I'm so filled with admiration and respect for all you guys. Some of you have seriously been through it but you're here and doing well and talking about it and... I just admire you all to bits.

My divorce was a cakewalk in comparison, and many years later I found the most amazing man with whom I'll be celebrating our three years anniversary later this month. Trust me - it can be done!!

[lookingup]

My "last straw" moment was when H was going out of town to visit a friend for the weekend, and he wanted to take my car instead of his truck so that he could save money on gas. His truck is a stick shift, so I couldn't drive it. This would have left me stranded at the house all weekend, riding my bike to and from work, and when I left work it would be late at night. He asked several times and I said "no" several times before I just started crying. It was then when I really felt like he cared more about saving maybe $20 (when we had over $40k in the bank) than he cared about me and my wellbeing.

After I started crying, he tried to play the whole thing off like he was joking the whole time.

Sadly, I stayed for 4 months after that trying to make it work. Unfortunately he never became less of a douche.

[bullygirl979]

Sept 6, 2012 23:22:37 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

I decided then and there that I wanted someone that kept his word and treated me with respect. Not some guy that leaves his sick girlfriend at home to go out drinking with other girls til 4 in the morning on a Tuesday, 3 days before Thanksgiving.

I seriously think we were married to the same guy. Your story totally made me think of something that happened about a year before I left.

XH was a cop so he used to have to work some weekends and his shift started at 7am. I had surgery on a Friday once and the way the rules worked it made more sense for him to take 2 days off rather than 1. So he took Friday and Saturday off. I remember getting home from surgery around 5pm and was in super amounts of pain. He went out to get my pain meds, came home and started getting ready to go out. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was going out drinking with his friends. I blew up because I just had fairly major surgery FFS and he got SOOOOO angry at me. He acted like such a douche and started screaming at me that I RUINED HIS DAY OFF! And that he couldn't believe that he had to WASTE a Friday night off by staying home. Yeah, staying home with his wife who just had her fucking stomach cut open and organs taken out to make sure she was okay.

Oh my god....writing this makes me want to throat punch him all over again.....

[prettyinpearls]

The last straw for me was DS’s 1st birthday party. XH and I had been separated for 4 months at this point. During those 4 months I had gone from wanting to ‘fix’ our family, to XH spending Thanksgiving with us as a family and saying divorce wasn’t an option, to XH telling me I’m controlling and that he can’t wait to divorce my ass but didn’t lift a finger to do anything about it. Over the holiday season (DS’s birthday was NYE) I was getting increasing irritated with XH. I was seeing his true colors and accepting them for what he is.

For DS’s 1st birthday, we threw a joint party at XMIL’s house with both of our families (about 12 people total) on New Year’s Day. I should say I threw the party and XH brought the pizza. I showed up at 11:30 AM, and XH was there with his familiar accessory – a gold can of Miller High Life (classy, right?) in his hand. He said he needed some hair of the dog from the night before. Seriously, dude? It’s 11 fucking 30 in the morning. As our party went on, he had another 5 beers and was trying to play father of the year with our son. Acting like he was this super involved father and it pissed me off to the core. When I asked XH for his half of the money for DS’s gift, he pulled out the contents of his pockets, which included hotel key card he couldn’t put back away soon enough. Mind you, when I asked him what he did the night before (for NYE), he said he went to see some live bands with friends, and the woman who I suspected was the OW was with them. But yet, he was STILL denying his relationship with her despite me telling him it’s not about HER. It’s about me wanting to know who he’s bringing our son around. When I saw that key card I was done. That was the moment. I knew he was nothing but a lying, cheating, alcohol-abusing POS that I didn’t want to be married to anymore. I told him later that night I was going to file for divorce and all he had to say was, “ok”. Even though I was furious he hadn’t lifted a finger to start the divorce process that he so badly wanted, and ONCE AGAIN, was forcing me to make the first move in something that requires responsibility, I was oddly at peace that I had finally reached that point. When I signed the divorce papers a few weeks later it was the most liberating thing I’ve ever done in my life.

[prettyinpearls]

Sept 7, 2012 8:03:37 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

I have to admit I'm a little jealous of the people who had their "last straw" and then just filed for divorce. In my case it's more like Last straw, see an attorney, get separation papers, sit on your ass and wait, let a year pass, file for divorce, wait 2 months for it to be final. I effing hate my state sometimes.

Whaaaat? That seriously sucks.

I had to wait 6 months for my divorce to be finalized, but that's nothing compared to the crap you went through.

[roselis]

Sept 7, 2012 8:03:37 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

I have to admit I'm a little jealous of the people who had their "last straw" and then just filed for divorce. In my case it's more like Last straw, see an attorney, get separation papers, sit on your ass and wait, let a year pass, file for divorce, wait 2 months for it to be final. I effing hate my state sometimes.

My timeline was
Sept 6 2011 - XH moved out
Oct 11 - We fight and he chooses the OW.
Dec 20 - I finally go see a lawyer. XH wanted to wait to file after the holidays. However, when I found out that he was officially dating the OW, I decided to just do it myself
Jan 1 - told XH I was filing.
Feb - Filed the papers to start the divorce/dissolution with the courts
March - Filed the final agreement with the courts
May 7, 2012 - Divorce granted.

[baa1981]

We were in counseling. I could tell he was pretty much going through the motions (which is how he lived life). One of big issues was lack of sex life. So the counseling suggested we have sex some place other than the bedroom (which we weren't even having sex there...). He kept avoiding it and avoiding it. Finally I was like we have to do this, let's do it in the spare bedroom in the basement. And he wouldn't. Absolutely refused to even go downstairs w me. That was when the lightbulb went off that nothing was going to change and I didnt want to spend the rest of my life living this way.

I was having surgery in two months and knew I would need someone to help care for me during that time...so I sucked it up (even through the holidays...) and waited until after the surgery to finally talk about it. How terrible of me...

[Bernadine]

Sept 7, 2012 8:03:37 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

I have to admit I'm a little jealous of the people who had their "last straw" and then just filed for divorce. In my case it's more like Last straw, see an attorney, get separation papers, sit on your ass and wait, let a year pass, file for divorce, wait 2 months for it to be final. I effing hate my state sometimes.

::looks down at ticker and sits next to jellymankelly::

Except we don't even do separation papers here, if both parties don't agree to it.

[explorer2001]

I've seen it go both ways with the system in AZ. From my last straw point it took two weeks for me to heal enough and get the required documents together to file. I served him shortly there after. From the day I filed to the day it was finalized in court was about two and a half months. But I had an easy divorce compared to most. I have friends who filed around the same time who while legally divorced still haven't got custody resolved in three years.

[tallie]

We had issues for a long time related to his partying and spending way too much time out with his friends. It was a Tuesday, and he had mentioned possibly going out with a friend, and I was supposed to go out for a run with friends after work. I called him before I left work, and asked him if he was still planning on going out with his friend. He said he was, and then I thought to ask if he was coming home that night, or crashing at his friend's house. He said he was crashing at his friends, that I should have known that and that he shouldn't need to explain. Not very dramatic, but it was a very clear light bulb moment for me. I just didn't want to be with someone who thought it was perfectly normal to go out on a Tuesday, not come home, and not even bother to tell his wife he didn't plan on coming home.

[jax373]

We had been growing apart over the last year or so. After I had our second DD, I found out he was texting a female co-worker pretty much non-stop (like hundreds of texts a day). I told him to stop and he did for a while. When I checked the cell phone bill again a few weeks later, he had started texting her again. I hadn't been happy in a long time and this was just the final straw. If he couldn't respect me enough to end this 'friendship' after asking him several times to do so (I'm pretty sure it's more than that but he denies it of course), I was done.

[sparkles17]

For me, the last straw was kind of a 2 month long ordeal when he was out of work. He had just gotten fired from his 2nd job in the last year. I was a SAHM and we had $0 in savings. Things got really bad really fast. He was denied for unemployment and we literally had nothing and had 2 babies at the time. My friends FI got him a job at a car dealership. Nothing fabulous, but it was a job and he was bringing in money. He decided after a week that he didn't like it SO HE QUIT!!! I freaked out, made him beg for his job back. He worked there for about 4 weeks and then GOT FIRED! It was the final straw. At that point, I was watching kids for money during the day and waitressing at night just trying to put food on the table. I just remember sitting in the car with my Mom telling her that I was putting a plan in place, yadda yadda yadda but that I wasn't going to actually do anything right away. That night, the exH walked in from the gym and I was just done, and told him right then and there. That was a Monday, he moved out on Wednesday and the rest is, well, my nightmareish history.

[wingingitinmotown]

We had been growing apart for a while, but the last straw for me was a fight over his brother. His brother was (at the time) in jail for multiple crimes (11 felonies I believe) including rape. Somehow we started talking about when his brother got out, and I said that XH could help him, but that he was NEVER living with us, particularly if we had kids. He FLIPPED.OUT. on me, that his brother was blood and of course he would live with us. That was my moment when I realized that his wife (and future kid's) safety was less important to him than a lot of other things. There were things before that too that I felt that way about. His mom was always asking us for money, to live with us, etc.. Whenever he would buy me something (a necklace for my bday, a camera for Christmas) she would ask when he would buy that for her, and he would make a plan to. It was STRANGE. But brother incident set me over the edge though.

[jade28]

The last straw was when we were separated and he said that he would like to date me again and see if he could develop deeper feelings for me because he had not yet (after 6 years). I knew he hadn't.

I had given him everything I had. I have loved him even when it was hard. I realized that if he didn't love me after 6 years, it probably wasn't going to happen. I didn't want to live in a "cautiously in love" relationship anymore. I also knew I had to give him the chance to find someone he could fall deeply for - I was not that girl and so I was the "bad guy" and ended the relationship. To this day, I don't think he knows, I was really hoping for him to find someone he could love as much as I had loved him.