I've been with the same guy since I was a teenager. 11 years now. He's a great guy. Really & truly. I just... feel like we're not meant to be together. And yes, feelings are way overrated some days. (I've felt like this for 2+ years now.) He loves me. Adores me. Treats me well. But, we don't click. Not intellectually. Not in sense of humor. Not socially. We co-exist just fine. But frankly I am not the person I was at 15 - who is? I don't think getting married at 18 is a great idea... hindsight is 20/20!
We're both in therapy, separately. He's had his own demons to work on and while I'm glad he started to work on them, it took years of begging. Years that exhausted me.
But... am I the only one around that *doesn't* have a douche bag (potential) ex? Is it possible to separate and not feel like shit about it? I feel so guilty even considering separation because there's nothing *wrong* with him (well, not in terms of him loving me and wanting to be with me - he is not without issues of course). Yes, my therapist is helping me with these topics, too. I just feel like if I came on this board, I'd end up being the odd one out because I feel so many have justified divorces. Whereas mine would be ... pointless?
Post by bullygirl979 on May 17, 2012 18:55:58 GMT -5
Ah, no. You don't need to be married to a douche to be "justified" in getting divorced. While most of our XHs were total assholes, there are a few ladies on here that had nice XHs. It just wasn't a good fit. If GOZF is around I will see if she will talk to you as she is one of these women.
I know how you feel about not being the same person as you were when you married. I feel like I changed so much between 25 and 28 that I grew apart from my XH in that short period of time (plus he was a total doucher).
Anyway, you don't need to justify to anyone your reason for getting divorced. A cheating spouse doesn't get you a pass while not being compatible gets you a fail. Divorce is divorce.
The important thing is that you try. Some women come on here and state that they grow apart from their DH. Okay, well this will happen over the course of 40 or so years. You try and fix it. And if you can't, well, at least you tried. You are both in counseling which is an awesome thing. But bottom line is that you need to be true to yourself. Regardless of what you think others might think about you.
I divorced a nice guy. So many people couldnt understand why i was leaving after 13 years, especially my family. It certainly would have made it easier if he was a dick. Therapy helped me and being stubborn and determined also helped. The first year was stressful, but now we are good friends and get along amazingly for a divorced couple. He is still the father of my kids and we both raise them with the help of each other.
Ah, no. You don't need to be married to a douche to be "justified" in getting divorced. While most of our XHs were total assholes, there are a few ladies on here that had nice XHs. It just wasn't a good fit. If GOZF is around I will see if she will talk to you as she is one of these women.
I know how you feel about not being the same person as you were when you married. I feel like I changed so much between 25 and 28 that I grew apart from my XH in that short period of time (plus he was a total doucher).
Anyway, you don't need to justify to anyone your reason for getting divorced. A cheating spouse doesn't get you a pass while not being compatible gets you a fail. Divorce is divorce.
The important thing is that you try. Some women come on here and state that they grow apart from their DH. Okay, well this will happen over the course of 40 or so years. You try and fix it. And if you can't, well, at least you tried. You are both in counseling which is an awesome thing. But bottom line is that you need to be true to yourself. Regardless of what you think others might think about you.
I agree. I'd hate to be a year or more from now and think "man, I really should have tried harder." My therapist is awesome and feel like she totally gets me. Ultimately, I really can't leave (with good conscience) until I am 100% healthy & happy with where I am at. And I am neither (as I am struggling with depression. And yes I recognize that once I fix that I could be happy in my marriage, I'm not ruling that out!) :beer:
I divorced a nice guy. So many people couldnt understand why i was leaving after 13 years, especially my family. It certainly would have made it easier if he was a dick. Therapy helped me and being stubborn and determined also helped. The first year was stressful, but now we are good friends and get along amazingly for a divorced couple. He is still the father of my kids and we both raise them with the help of each other.
:heart: to hear this. I can't imagine him not being part of my life - at least as a distant friend or something. I care about him a lot - I just don't think he's the guy that's supposed to be by my side every day. No kids, so thankfully that makes things easier... but I am glad that you have such a great relationship with your ex.
I'm not divorced. H and I were seperated for several months last year. It was that situation for me, he was a nice guy I just didn't feel like we were connected/passionate about one another any more.
After about 5 months we decided we wanted to give it another try and are working on it.
But when it comes down to it, you shouldn't stay in a marriage that doesn't make you happy because he is a nice guy. If it isn't right, it isn't right. Cut your losses and move on, we all deserve to be happy.
Post by bullygirl979 on May 17, 2012 19:40:34 GMT -5
OP, I like you. I hope that you stick around and play with us. You recognize that you have issues and you are willing to work on your issues. You also are able to see that your issues might be standing in the way to having a happy relationship. The people who come on here who are all "Oh, well I grew apart from my H, but too bad, and I don't feel like trying to fix it" make me crazy. Because they fail to realize that at some point, during their next relationship, they will feel the same way. And so on and so on and so on. Relationships take work.
I wish I had more advice for you and I did ask some of my SO ladies to chat with you. Have you tried joint counseling?
ETA: However, if you do get to a point where you feel like you tried and it still isnt' working, don't feel bad about getting a divorce. Shit happens.
Post by StormyDixon on May 17, 2012 19:53:23 GMT -5
My ex husband was and still is a nice guy. We married too young and are happier apart,our children are well adjusted and we are one big happy family. We still attend family functions together with our new spouses and the kids truly benefit.
kjewell - I hope the best for you. Perhaps that's where we'll end up - I don't know yet. I am hopeful finally that I *will* be happy again - whether it's together or separate.
teamwilliams - that's awesome. Getting married too young is hard - man at 18 I knew it all. haha.
bullygirl - thank you. Haven't tried joint counseling yet - I kind of feel like our separate shit is so great right now that it's hard to focus on fixing the together part if we're broken separately. That will be the next step - I just started counseling (2 sessions in) and am really happy I finally made the leap. And I totally agree with you - my heart wants to be happy and stop crying. But my head knows better - and knows that if I don't get to the root now I won't be happy no matter where I end up!
I have a lot to say about this. But, it's late, I've been out, and I want to respond more thoughtfully than I'm able right now. I'll check back in and share more in the morning. Bit you're not wrong in feeling the way you do. I'm sorry I can't say everything if like to now, but it'd be a jumbled mess, and you deserve better than that.
Don't beat yourself up. Shit happens, even when we have the best intentions. I'll share more tomorrow.
Post by hazelandblue on May 18, 2012 7:36:17 GMT -5
You are definitely not alone. i am in the same boat. My husband is a good guy. we just don't mesh at all. He is a good father, he is an excellent provider, and he tells me all the time how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. However, we too got married young. i was only 23 and he was my college sweetheart. i didn't date anyone else (long term) in college so part of me feels like i missed out on finding who was really right for me. i think part of me staid with him out of habit and comfort. I don't feel any passion what so ever toward him. I can not stand his sense of humor. Ten years ago in college it was sort of funny but now we are adults and he still acts/jokes like a 14 year old. His sense of humor has just never matured. we never have conversations about anything meaningful.
You would think i could look past all the things i dislike to do what's best for our family. we have a 3 and a 4 year old. But, you can't control your feelings. I am just torn. do I do what is best for my family and keep us together knowing that i am going to be absolutely miserable and I get no fulfillment whatsoever from our relationship, or do I leave him and break up our home. The thought of not seeing my kids every single day breaks my heart. i know he would want 50/50 custody and i should be happy that he wants to be a part of their lives but it hurts knowing i won't get to see them all the time. I hate this. I have no concrete reason to give him on why I am unhappy and don't love him (no cheating, abuse, etc...). I just don't and that's so hard for him to understand. I get it. I would want a reason too. Part of me just wants him to leave me so I don't have to be the one to make the decision. But, that's being childish and not manning up to my own responsiblities. We too have tried therapy together and I have on my own. It just didn't seem to work for us. I want nothing more than to be in love with my husband. I just don't know how to turn it around.
Seeing as you don't have children, if you are feeling this way and you have tried to turn it around already with therapy and such, I highly recommend that you cut your losses. You don't want to look back 5 years from now (and potentially with children) and realize you should have left then. I wish i could be more optimistic, but i feel like I have to be honest. I wanted to leave before we had children but didn't. I got pregnant and things got better for a couple of years, but now my feelings of discontent are stronger than ever. The children are a blessing so I can't say i regret it. They just make the decision that much more difficult.
Good luck to you and just know you are not alone and you are in control of your life. No one can make you feel something you don't feel and no one can tell you who you should be with.
Loving someone isn't a charity event. You don't "give away" your love because the receiver deserves it for being a good person. That's just not the way it works.
You don't have to stay in a marriage just because there isn't some glaring reason to leave. If you are unhappy, that's reason enough.
My exH was and still is a great guy. He just wasn't a great guy for me. I know it's hard to leave when you don't feel like its justified but being unhappy is enough justification.
My ex is a nice guy too. We were not right for each other. As you, we don't have the same sense of humor, we don't like the similar things, our personalities are very different. I struggled with my decision but made it when I was pregnant. We have a kid together and we have been able to have an excellent relationship.
I always say that not being compatible is also a deal breaker and you don't have to wait for something terrible to happen to end a relationship. You tried and it didn't work. It' s time to move on.
Thanks all. <3 I appreciate your perspectives and am glad to know that I'm not the only one that's ever felt like this. A big part of my issue is that it feels so lonely these days, and very few people in my daily life "get it".
Post by Danzingmama on May 18, 2012 17:47:44 GMT -5
:heart: OMG, I have been lurking on this board for weeks looking for a questions just like this. My husband is a WONDERFUL father and great provider and he adores me but after nine years and two children, I am trying my hardest to make this work and not end up in divorce. Tonight I suggested marriage counseling and although he was surprised (even though I have been telling him my feelings every other month for the last six years) he still said he would do it if that's what made me happy. I feel so guilty that I have these feelings and he is such a great person. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories.
I am really thankful for this thread as well. I'm an old nest reg with a new name but I'm considering divorcing my nice guy as well. My DH is WONDERFUL. I honestly couldn't ask for a more giving and loving husband, but I'm just not in love with him and haven't been for a very long time. We've been married almost 4 years and i knew even in the months leading up to the wedding that it wasn't right, but I chalked it up to cold feet. He is my best friend, and I cannot imagine life without him, but what I feel for him is more of a brotherly love than husband love. At 30 I really don't want to give in to a passionless relationship for the rest of my life. We haven't had sex in 9+ months and I have no desire to. I've been in therapy since January and I finally built up the courage to tell him how I felt last week but he seems to think this is something we just need to work through. I'm pretty sure its not. I am so conflicted because I doubt I'll ever find someone who is going to treat me as well, and I'll miss his friendship, I just don't think I he's someone I should be in a marriage with. I'm 99% sure my therapist thinks the same thing.
I thought my ex was a nice guy (but in hindsight I don't know if he was so nice; doesn't sound nearly as nice as yours) and I didn't want to lose him as a friend. We definitely changed over the years, and eventually we realized that we weren't that compatible. Luckily we were both ready to move on, so we've been able to stay friends and the split has been amicable.
The clincher was when I realized that we'd been struggling to make things work for years, and (god willing) I have at least 35-40 more years left. Do I really want to keep working that hard, hoping that we'll eventually figure it out? Or would I be happier to just start over while I still have a lot of good years left? I decided I had tried long enough to have no regrets, and I didn't want to spend five more years having the same issues.
The hardest part for me was losing XH's family, whom I really like. I ended up sending his dad an ecard for his birthday and he sent me an email back talking about how much fun we had on our last trip together and that hopefully I'd travel to heir area again sometime to visit. It was very sweet, and I was very moved to know that they still wanted me to be part of their lives.
I'm divorcing a nice guy after 11 years. We've always struggled with compatibility, communication (he's an extreme introvert). We've been to therapy and always found ourselves in the same place battling withbthe same topics. I'm so sad, but know it's the right decision, plus, he's not happy either. I'm scared to be alone and fear so bad that I'll miss him so much. Ugh any advice on staying positive and avoiding wine?! It's definitely keeping me depressed while he's working out at the gym and playing basketball to release his stress. I'm going about this wrong I know, but trying to forget about my crappy life and how I spent 11 years with the wrong person for me bc it was comfortable. No kids, most likely bc he never emotionally committed to me from the start. he rarely talks, when he does it's confusing, he doesn't make me laugh, can't express emotions and bottles it all up, all of that caused me to resent him over the years causing me to be rude, judgmental not who I want to be and definitely not the way I want to treat someone I love but the lack of love, passion, support, communication and so on made me angry at him which made him build his wall higher and higher closing me out even more. This is just awful, we both deserve to be happy, love shouldn't be this painful. Thanks for sharing all your stories, it's making me feel better, I appreciate that.
I've been with the same guy since I was a teenager. 11 years now. He's a great guy. Really & truly. I just... feel like we're not meant to be together. And yes, feelings are way overrated some days. (I've felt like this for 2+ years now.) He loves me. Adores me. Treats me well. But, we don't click. Not intellectually. Not in sense of humor. Not socially. We co-exist just fine. But frankly I am not the person I was at 15 - who is? I don't think getting married at 18 is a great idea... hindsight is 20/20!
We're both in therapy, separately. He's had his own demons to work on and while I'm glad he started to work on them, it took years of begging. Years that exhausted me.
But... am I the only one around that *doesn't* have a douche bag (potential) ex? Is it possible to separate and not feel like shit about it? I feel so guilty even considering separation because there's nothing *wrong* with him (well, not in terms of him loving me and wanting to be with me - he is not without issues of course). Yes, my therapist is helping me with these topics, too. I just feel like if I came on this board, I'd end up being the odd one out because I feel so many have justified divorces. Whereas mine would be ... pointless?
You wrote exactly what I've been struggling with for five years now. I feel like a heinous bitch for wanting to leave a perfectly nice guy. But divorce has been in my head for a long, long time now. I still don't know what to do or how to handle it. At the moment, we are living together (we bought our house a year and a half ago) but I'm not letting anything romantic happen. We are in counseling but I really feel like my mind has been made up for a long time. I just feel like a terrible person, don't want to hurt him, and don't know how to make anything happen. I'm also very scared that since he really is a good guy, I'll regret it if we finally do divorce.
Regina, I feel your pain and feel similar in many ways. We're living in the same house but not really talking, just doing our own thing. We write notes here and telling the other if we're sleeping out at parents etc, the pain is tremendous. He is such a good guy and I agree, I think we'll have regrets but in time will feel it was the right decision? I guess that's how it works but the thought of him moving on with someone else makes me literally breakdown, why couldn't we make it work??
Hi everyone, I'm new here...googled "divorcing a good guy is HARD", and I found this forum... I hope you are all still around and can help me? I'm so alone
I wrote this on a differnet forum back in december, and basically got slammed for being selfish??..
"I am 32 & in a marriage where I am physically repulsed by my husband. It is sad, & I want a divorce but I don't want to hurt him , because he's a great guy. I'm a catch myself, which is WHY I am having such a hard time in this we are both really good people, and I know everyone will think I am crazy, as I feel that the love I crave, that soul love, does exist.....On paper, it should work. I want to be with somebody that I at least want to have sex with!!! It is not fair to him either. I have not had an affair, and I don't intend to but I fantasize about other men constantly. The spark is not there, not sure if it ever was. We have no children, & I am so torn. He also makes a lot more money than I do, & he lets me know it...(I think that is his defense mechanism to get me to stay..) He is constantly asking me "how much was this, how much was that") He will buy me things and then throw it in my face later..I alway feel like I am walking on eggshells. .I am so unhappy, but so scared.......I don't even want to try counseling because I don't feel it. Please give me some advice...We have hardly any of the same interests. I feel that we were brought to each other at a time in our lives where we needed each other to grow. That was ten years ago, and I feel like our relationship has run its course and there is nothing really left except co-existing. "
Now, that was in december...since then , I have told him how unhappy I have been, I have cried. I am now going to couseling. Basically, trying to ease MY guilt & pain, and potential regret at ending it, and having bad karma for leaving a great guy. IS that crazy?? Since he knows how I'm feeling, he is much nicer to me, backed off about $, but I feel it's short lived and he thinks I'm going through a phase....he thinks I am just unhappy in general and taking it home to our marriage. He says that I am the one that has changed, not him....well, YEAH. I'm just struggling with that final push of leaving... I guess I need some guidance, words of wisdom, etc??
You will reach the point where you just cant go in faking it. No one can tell you when, but it will come. Solo Conseling WILL help you get through all the uncertainty and guilt. You should go for yourself. You obvisouly know its over...now you just have to get the courage to say it and do something about it. Believe me once you actually do it a HUGE weight will be lifted off your cheast and you will feel better and start to move foward with your life. Remember staying with someone because you feel guilty isnt fair to them either.
While I was going through my divorce I wished many times that my H was a douche....it would have made it so much easier!
Hi everyone, I'm new here...googled "divorcing a good guy is HARD", and I found this forum... I hope you are all still around and can help me? I'm so alone
I wrote this on a differnet forum back in december, and basically got slammed for being selfish??..
"I am 32 & in a marriage where I am physically repulsed by my husband. It is sad, & I want a divorce but I don't want to hurt him , because he's a great guy. I'm a catch myself, which is WHY I am having such a hard time in this we are both really good people, and I know everyone will think I am crazy, as I feel that the love I crave, that soul love, does exist.....On paper, it should work. I want to be with somebody that I at least want to have sex with!!! It is not fair to him either. I have not had an affair, and I don't intend to but I fantasize about other men constantly. The spark is not there, not sure if it ever was. We have no children, & I am so torn. He also makes a lot more money than I do, & he lets me know it...(I think that is his defense mechanism to get me to stay..) He is constantly asking me "how much was this, how much was that") He will buy me things and then throw it in my face later..I alway feel like I am walking on eggshells. .I am so unhappy, but so scared.......I don't even want to try counseling because I don't feel it. Please give me some advice...We have hardly any of the same interests. I feel that we were brought to each other at a time in our lives where we needed each other to grow. That was ten years ago, and I feel like our relationship has run its course and there is nothing really left except co-existing. "
Now, that was in december...since then , I have told him how unhappy I have been, I have cried. I am now going to couseling. Basically, trying to ease MY guilt & pain, and potential regret at ending it, and having bad karma for leaving a great guy. IS that crazy?? Since he knows how I'm feeling, he is much nicer to me, backed off about $, but I feel it's short lived and he thinks I'm going through a phase....he thinks I am just unhappy in general and taking it home to our marriage. He says that I am the one that has changed, not him....well, YEAH. I'm just struggling with that final push of leaving... I guess I need some guidance, words of wisdom, etc??
You are not being selfish. People grow apart, get divorced. It sucks, it would be great if everyone picked right the first time, but that's not reality. Either you can sit around and be miserable or get on with living your life. There isn't a trophy at the end that says "Congrats, you didn't get divorced!" on it. Normally I would suggest counseling, but you're so checked out that it'd just be a waste of time/money I think. Keep going to individual counseling, and you'll know when you feel ready to leave.
This isn't anybody's fault - yours or his - and you aren't wracking up bad karma points for ending your marriage. I think it would be worse to string him along for years when you obviously don't love him.
Staying with a guy because you don't want to hurt him really isn't a great reason to stay with someone. You are hurting yourself and as mags said, faking it through life. It's okay to want more out of life. Individual counseling is a great idea, which bowies suggested.
Thanks for the replies all. I posted above, I AM attending individual counseling, and have been for about a month... I latched on as he was so good, like a father figure. The problem is, I DO love him, he does everything for me..but it's not that LOVE feeling? Does that make sense? So I stay out of comfort? The problem is, he was my only serious boyfriend, ever. I have met someone else, who I know I will most likely never pursue, but he ignited feelings of passion & lust I never thought I had inside my body. ( We have barely communicated, e's just in my environment). This forced me to shine the light on my sexless marriage My husband tries, but we are just not sexually compatibile.
I latched on as he was so good, like a father figure. The problem is, I DO love him, he does everything for me..but it's not that LOVE feeling? Does that make sense? Does that even exist?
Do you love him because he does everything for you and because you are comfortable? Or do you actually love the person who he is?
And what all is "everything" that he does for you? Doing laundry, keeping the house clean, etc. are normal functions that every grown up must perform. Being supportive, caring and empathetic are good qualities to love in a partner.
Post by usedtobebear on Mar 13, 2013 10:42:03 GMT -5
I just wanted to offer support to all the ladies struggling to make a decision about getting divorced. I have to say the indecisiveness is the worst!! I struggled with this for years. I relate to so many of the feelings mentioned in this post. My stbx and I were at a crossroads about 5 years ago, went to counseling together and individually. Stuck it out for another 5 years and now we are finally getting divorced. I 'knew' we would not be together forever, and if we did stay together, I 'knew' I would not be happy and certianly wasn't being true to myself. But, I just could not pull the trigger and leave him, as much as I wanted to I just couldn't. It really took some big turn of events in our lives for me to actually have the strength to go through with it. It is not easy, my divorce isn't final yet, we've been separated for 10 months and it's still a struggle for me. But, as sad as I am, and as shitty as this process is, I do not regret my decision to leave EVER, my biggest regret is staying too long. I wish I would have left sooner, because now I'm almost 35 and starting over and now I feel old. Sending strength and courage to anyone trying to make such a difficult decsion..
You are old? 35? Are you kidding?? I am 32 and feel like I'm at my prime...the longer I stay, the wors it will be, I feel.
SO, even though you feel shitty, you still think you are making the right decision? I cannot teeter totter much longer..... I want to get out there and see....