Divorcing a nice guy?

[usedtobebear]

Mar 13, 2013 10:49:15 GMT -5 hurting said:

usedtobe..

You are old? 35? Are you kidding?? I am 32 and feel like I'm at my prime...the longer I stay, the wors it will be, I feel.

SO, even though you feel shitty, you still think you are making the right decision?
I cannot teeter totter much longer..... I want to get out there and see....

LOl, thanks...I have definitely been feeling self conscience of my age lately, I was with stbx since I was 22 and feel like I gave him the best years of my life... shit's heading south, just sayin'
Yes, I always know without a doubt I'm making the right decision.  I saw stbx 2 days ago, and when I drove away I was relieved that I don't have to deal with him anymore.  But, I still cry and feel sad and struggle with guilt and all sorts of emotions.  Like I said the indecisiveness is the worst, but my motto was I was not put on this earth to take care of this man and life is way too short to not be happy, I just faked it for years and could no longer fake it and had to be true to myself.  You can do it!!

[threeofus]

I'm the "nice guy" in this situation. My STBX has acted like a real douche (um, hello, texting a chick from the bar where he worked...never mind the mindset he actually had to have to exchange numbers with someone in the first place, and if I think about this any more I will get all worked up again) but in counseling, he's pulled the whole, "I'm depressed, these are issues I've always had, you're still a great person and I'll always be here for you."



I view it as him letting me down gently, him being cruel to be kind in the long run, etc. It SUCKS and I hate it because I was 100% blindsided by it all, and was pregnant when he first dropped the bomb.



BUT...no one deserves to be with someone who doesn't love them, who doesn't feel passion for them, etc. So even though the "nice person" being divorced may be angry, everyone deserves a shot at happiness. And I'd rather find someone I love, who loves me, and who wants to be around me, than stay with someone I love but who doesn't love me back. That's no way to raise my kids.

[Deleted]

I would argue that it will hurt his feelings anyway if you stay and don't love him. It hurts to love someone who doesn't love you back, and you can "act" all you want but he'll still know, at least deep down, that you don't want to be in that marriage.

I have really mixed feelings on this topic, and they contributed to me staying in my marriage as long as I did. I don't know that I'd call my STBX a "nice guy", but he can be very nice. We have our differences, and he has his faults, and we have our fights, but I've never been sure that those wouldn't be issues in any relationship. Nobody is perfect, no relationship is always in sync, and even the most loving couples sometimes don't feel all that loving. I do feel that part of the problem in my marriage was me being a generally emotionally unavailable person and I do strongly wonder if I'll ever be happy in ANY relationship because I've never really been happy, period. I was never really sure that I was right to leave him for unhappiness when I wasn't sure he was the issue or that I'd be any happier without him. In the end, he got involved with another woman which forced me into making a decision I was never really ready to make on my own, so maybe I got lucky (in a sick way, lol) that I got pushed over the edge to make the decision to divorce. I don't think you need to wait for something like that to happen, though, especially if he is truly a nice guy and wouldn't end up doing that!

Anyway - that being uncertain thing I can relate to. And to a point, I do think that every couple, even the great ones who make it a lifetime, have periods where one person falls out of love or feels less passion or whatever, and you just need to push through and work on it because if you break up with every person who you go through an unhappy period with, you'll never have a successful long term marriage. BUT - I think there are limits to this too. If your whole marriage is a rough period and you've done the work to fix it and it still isn't fixed - then I think there is something to be said for cutting losses and moving forward.

In a nutshell - when you reach the point where you've given your marriage all the effort you have within you to give, the marriage is over. Only you can know when you're at the point where you feel there is nothing else that can be done. If you're at that point, no shame in that and no harm in getting it over and done with. Life's too short to waste time, and too long to be with someone who will never make you happy.

[threeofus]

Mar 13, 2013 12:29:30 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

I do feel that part of the problem in my marriage was me being a generally emotionally unavailable person and I do strongly wonder if I'll ever be happy in ANY relationship because I've never really been happy, period.

In November during an intense conversation, my STBX told me that in life, he wants to be in love, until the day he dies. Very poetic and emotional, esp. coming from him.

Then, in one of our more recent counseling sessions right before he asked for a divorce, he said he and his individual counselor are working on figuring out whether STBX can ever be in a relationship with another person, because he can't stand people's personalities for too long and is happier being alone.

It's hard knowing that part of the problem wasn't me, it was just the way my STBX is. And while I've only had a week to let this whole divorce thing sink in, I do hope that one day I meet someone who I can trust around my children, who loves them and me, and who WANTS to be around me.

But I can imagine it's hard when you don't hate the person you choose to divorce, but don't feel that you have any other option if you want to be happy.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

You aren't alone. My ex isn't a bad guy, at all. He went through a patch during our marriage of being shitty and a total douchebag and that's where I checked out but by the time we actually split, he was getting himself back on track. I just was so exhausted from dealing with him for so long that despite counseling, I couldn't check back in.

The good thing about it is that because he isn't a shit, we get along pretty well, usually. Yes we butt heads, yes we are both dealing with the residuals of his douchebag years but ultimately divorcing a nice guy has helped us coparent more easily and made getting the divorce much easier in that we were able to split things up without a mediator, and only used an attorney to actually deal with the paperwork.

[lucky2b]

I am SO glad I found this forum! I was just googling for help! Everything that you all have said is ME..my husband is a nice and especially is now that he knows I want to leave. For 7 years he did nothing to help me..no housework, cooking, taking care of the kids, ball practices, etc. He wouldn't help me budget our bills while I was begging for help the whole time. He did his own thing and came and went as he wanted. Finally last summer I told him I was DONE. When he realized I was serious he immediately started helping and being more considerate but it's too late. I have NO DESIRE for him what so ever. He doesn't understand why I can't forget everything and us move on and live happily ever after. I have been to therapy (to make sure I wasn't crazy) and the therapist agreed that I'm just done. BUT, I have painted this picture perfect marriage to everyone and he has tried extra hard to "make friends" and be a great guy to my family and the ball team families, etc. since last summer so now NO ONE is going to understand why I would want to leave him. Am I wrong? What do I do?? And we have a child who adores us both.

[blistex]

Lucky2b - I feel your pain. Only difference is, he's been the nice, helpful guy to everyone else (except me) for 11 years. Which made it even harder - because I couldnt warrant leaving him. Everyone thought he was gods gift to the world.

Well, last week I found out Mr Nice Guy is actually a cheater/liar (emotional confirmed, but not phyiscal) for 11 years. You'd think that would be my out - but Im still making excuses for him (in my mind). He's been super nice since he has realized that Ive learned about his relationship(I havent told him I know but I told her I know). So now he's being super nice and I fucking feel bad bringing it up!

Moral of the story. We are making excuses. We will always find another reason to avoid facing our fears. So what if people judge you. In a year, it'll be old news and in 5 years no one will even remember.

My mother left my father 15 years ago. Im Eastern European and that shit was unheard of back then. People judged my mother - harshly! But the same people who judged my mother - followed in her footsteps not too long after. Now my mother and father are BFF's - happier apart than some of the miserable hags who judged her and stayed married.

[lucky2b]

Thanks blistex...so are you leaving him? And do the rest of you worry about what everybody else thinks as bad as I do? I worry about what everyone in town will think, our families, co-workers, etc. It's so stupid and other than his feeling being hurt that's the only reason I'm still there! I know it will be hard on our daughter (and even my other daughter b/c he's been in her life so long) but is that a reason to stay? I feel like I'm waiting for someone to give me "permission" to be happy...

[Deleted]

Why did this post get dug up?  It's been buried for almost a year.  I was reading responses and saw one from myself, I was like "That's weird I don't remember responding to this."  Then I looked and realized it is because it's a year old.

OP: What happened in your situation?  I hope everything is well.

[hurting]

I dug it up..going through a similiar situtaion.
THIS IS TORTURE.
He's very good to me, but I'm just not happy. The bedroom doesn't work, I fantasize about others constantly. I won't cheat, it's not about that. I feel like I am cheating him by not loving him the way a wife should love her husband. But then again, how do you explain your feelings?? He's really done nothing wrong, but I just need MORE. I keep chickening out due to fear of the unknown.
"what if, I never get better and I make a mistake"
"What if I end up alone"
"What if I am unhappy without him"

But whats the alternative?

[hurting]

Mar 14, 2013 12:08:36 GMT -5 lucky2b said:

Thanks blistex...so are you leaving him? And do the rest of you worry about what everybody else thinks as bad as I do? I worry about what everyone in town will think, our families, co-workers, etc. It's so stupid and other than his feeling being hurt that's the only reason I'm still there! I know it will be hard on our daughter (and even my other daughter b/c he's been in her life so long) but is that a reason to stay? I feel like I'm waiting for someone to give me "permission" to be happy...

I'm here and in the same boat, although no children.
To be perfectly honest, I feel like I was never "all in".  I'm not living to my true self, but what is that?  I do worry what everyone  else will think.  Everyone LOVES my husband.. but nobody knows what's in my heart.
I'm here for you...this is not easy.  (((HUGS)))

I too, am waiting for permission to be unhappy with him, or happy without...
I am going to couseling solo.  It has helped a lot....I highly reccomend if you haven't yet..

[hurting]

Mar 15, 2013 12:28:24 GMT -5 mp said:

Uh, well - the OP was me. I didn't wanna out myself but if you look through the post history you'll see it was obvious. This was perhaps the very worst day I'd had last year. I'd already made the decision months before but was wrestling with it in my head. Mostly because of how people may view me. Because he was so nice and perfect in everyone elses eyes. I posted here for validation - to validate a decision that had already been made, but I needed to hear it.

In May I was only about a month or so into my therapy.

Through therapy - I realized that not only was he not the "nice guy" that I thought he was - but that I made the right choice. He wasn't right for me - and so yes, while everyone else struggled to understand why we split, I have ZERO doubt in my mind that I made the right call. And fuck everyone else.

Good for you!  Are you open to talking about it?
Just curious...are you happier now?  My fear is if I'm unhappy with him, I will be unhappy without him...

[blistex]

I used to be at that place where I cared what other people would think but Im over that now.

Now Im at the point where anxiety hits me when I realize that the minute I have this convo with him, shit's going to get real. I start to panic at the thought of the next steps. See, like now. Starting to panic.

[lucky2b]

Wow I wish I had y'alls courage! LOL Did your XH's do things to make you feel guilty? Mine has started constantly wanting to hold me, saying nice things (the same stupid crap over and over), all in my face, DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! Where do I start? He has no intention of leaving. It's kind of to the point that I feel like he's "bullying" me into staying with him. Is that my conscience or what?? And one of my good friends thinks I'm crazy and says that every guy has his own faults so the next one won't be any better and that I'm just not "letting" myself desire him anymore...? WTH??

[hurting]

Mar 15, 2013 14:53:22 GMT -5 lucky2b said:

Wow I wish I had y'alls courage! LOL Did your XH's do things to make you feel guilty? Mine has started constantly wanting to hold me, saying nice things (the same stupid crap over and over), all in my face, DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! Where do I start? He has no intention of leaving. It's kind of to the point that I feel like he's "bullying" me into staying with him. Is that my conscience or what?? And one of my good friends thinks I'm crazy and says that every guy has his own faults so the next one won't be any better and that I'm just not "letting" myself desire him anymore...? WTH??

WOW.  This is my life...and then you start to think "am I THE CRAZY ONE"??

NO we are not crazy.  YES, a new guy will come with a new & different set of problems...but as for my situation, I am in a completely passionless marriage.  YES, he loves me as much as he knows how, YES he treats me well and provides for me.  BUT....I don't feel it
It's not fair to either one of us....my closest friends have been very supportive....they are cheering me on.  I don't know whats on the other side, fear of the unknown I believe, is whats stopping me.  That, and a comfortable life.

Comfortable, but passionless.  My Husband is pulling the same antics....except he goes back & forth between being nice & being an a**hole.  (Well I know that's because he knows I'm unhappy, and he can't understand why)

[mollymoe]

I think my husband and I would have made better friends. I'm going to stay with my parents tomorrow for undetermined amount of time. And even though my husband has been ass, I still feel really fucking sad. I know we have to divorce but I just don't want to accept it right now. I'm trying to think of all the positives this move will bring but I can't help thinking about all the stuff I'm losing--the house, a fenced in yard for the dogs, a second income.

[lucky2b]

That's another thing that makes me feel guilty...I'm the bread winner and he doesn't make enough to support himself (or certainly not the lifestyle we live). So it's like I'm throwing him out with NOTHING!? SOOOO frustrating...but still just another "excuse" I have used for not divorcing him even though I'm miserable and have no desire form.

[hurting]

Hi everyone,
I'm still here...finally, after walking on eggshells for the past two weeks with hubby, we sat down and REALLY talked. I told him, in a nutshell, that I love him more than anything as a person/friend (truth), BUT basically, I can't sleep with my friend. I was as honest possilbe without saying "I am not attracted to you"...but he got the message.....

Now, he took it pretty well. We both cried, he agreed to a seperation if that;'s what I want, but financially, I'm scared s*itless....he's the sole breadwinner, and a great provider...so now I am panicking...he wants to go to therapy with me, so I agreed. I figure I won't exit hastily, and in the meantime, I will try to get my finacial affairs in order....I'm so torn....I've wanted out for so long, and now I'm scared.

[lucky2b]

At Hurting....do you think therapy will help? As far as you having a desire for him? Just curious. Has anyone else tried therapy for our situation and did it help? I have tried to think about all of the good times in the beginning that I did desire my husband and I still can't gain a desire for him anymore...

[hurting]

Lucky-
I have been going to therapy. There is still no desire from my end towards him. IT's dead, physically.....He & I both acknowledge that our relationship lacked passion from the get go, and that was OK for me, at that time. Now, I want more...I know what you mean about gaining desire..not sure if that can happen. Especially since I feel desire towards others, just not him...

Private message me if you want to talk...we can exchange emails..

[marriedtoaniceguy]

hurting

I am new here and I am married to the same guy! Super amazing man but I don't want to sleep with him, I thought I could live with it but after 15 years and then I met someone that lit a fire in me. I have started counselling and my marriage therapist told me to leave. My DH is planning on going to him too so we an go as a couple. He knows he said this but he is scrambling to make it right. I feel so shitty that it REALLY isn't him, it's me. It's so cliche. He'll be an amazing husband for someone. We have 2 beautiful daughters (6 & 4) and I hope this doesn't screw them up but I've been thinking about this for years. I'm finally feeling ok about it except I haven't told him. I asked for a separation and we agreed to try & do therapy. We talked about it again last week & I told him I think I need to separate to figure it out. He's been acting like we never had the conversation & going overboard trying to be nice and helpful. I just want to run away. He doesn't deserve this.

[martygras]

Mar 15, 2013 14:53:22 GMT -5 lucky2b said:

Wow I wish I had y'alls courage! LOL Did your XH's do things to make you feel guilty? Mine has started constantly wanting to hold me, saying nice things (the same stupid crap over and over), all in my face, DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! Where do I start? He has no intention of leaving. It's kind of to the point that I feel like he's "bullying" me into staying with him. Is that my conscience or what?? And one of my good friends thinks I'm crazy and says that every guy has his own faults so the next one won't be any better and that I'm just not "letting" myself desire him anymore...? WTH??

This bolded part is my situation almost word for word.  We start counseling tomorrow but I feel so smothered that I can't even figure out what I really want right now. 

He's a really nice guy, just really co-dependent and really controlling.  I just don't know how I feel anymore, I'm in therapy independently and I've discussed it with my therapist.  It makes me feel like a failure, but honestly his family hates me and I'm just not happy.  Ugh. 

[lucky2b]

Pip -
What has your therapist said? We never went as a couple but mine told me she thought I was "done." And, yes, smothered is exactly how I feel too. I feel like he is sucking the life out of me! He keeps saying "Don't give up you will come back to me one day and we will be better than we ever were before." Ughhhhh!!! :/

[martygras]

My therapist is just giving me a safe space to explore the possibility of divorce, we're still discussing though and I'm just trying to get comfortable with the thought of divorce.

We're still sleeping in the same bed because that's what he says he needs, but he clings to me so tightly at night that I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm just glad we're starting therapy tomorrow, but at the same point I feel like I'm mentally done.

[bowies]

This is the thread that doesn't end, yes it goes on and on my friends...

[bowies]

Apr 8, 2013 13:31:18 GMT -5 mp said:

Apr 8, 2013 13:30:17 GMT -5 bowies said:

This is the thread that doesn't end, yes it goes on and on my friends...

And because it's my thread under an AE makes me want to poke my eyes out every time I see it. I keep wanting to delete it, but obviously people keep finding something in here to come back to...

TIP had one of these for a while - back on The Former Place.  I think there was a link to it somewhere and it would constantly get bumped for YEARS.  Eventually we just GIF bombed it. 

[martygras]

Apparently it's a common issue then?

I appreciate the thread though, sorry to keep it going.

[kaneen]

Apr 8, 2013 13:40:48 GMT -5 bowies said:

Apr 8, 2013 13:31:18 GMT -5 mp said:

And because it's my thread under an AE makes me want to poke my eyes out every time I see it. I keep wanting to delete it, but obviously people keep finding something in here to come back to...

TIP had one of these for a while - back on The Former Place.  I think there was a link to it somewhere and it would constantly get bumped for YEARS.  Eventually we just GIF bombed it. 

haha...I remember that!

[kaneen]

Apr 8, 2013 13:42:27 GMT -5 martygras said:

Apparently it's a common issue then?

I appreciate the thread though, sorry to keep it going.

Might I suggest a new thread?  I'm not trying to be bitchy but if you lurked a bit around here, you'd figure out that's the way to go.