Need support

[booknerd]

Jan 19, 2017 12:51:00 GMT -5 shoofly said:

booknerd - you have received so much great advice in this thread already. I just wanted to reiterate that you're definitely not alone in making this type of decision...I, too, married my high school sweetheart. We were together for 12 years (15-27). Nothing was more difficult than telling him I didn't think our marriage would work out. We had been married for about 2 years when that happened. In my case, he wasn't violent, so that fear didn't exacerbate leaving.

Please, please be careful. I have since been in a violent/abusive relationship and understand how scary it can truly be. Know that you have support here, even if it seems too difficult. You CAN do it. You CAN be happy. You deserve to be!

Thank you for sharing with me. I know what you mean, despite everything I don't want to hurt him.

[booknerd]

Jan 19, 2017 17:02:01 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I would urge you to contact a domestic violence service in your area. They have a lot of experience with getting women out of dangerous situations. Since you mentioned guns, I'm very concerned for your safety. I also worry that if you stay with a friend, he will find you there. I'm talking about worst case scenario, so hopefully that won't even be an issue, but I'd rather you be overly cautious rather than risk something happening to you.

I hope you are able to get out of there. IMO, involving guns has escalated the situation beyond repair.

I'm waiting to hear back from an apartment complex to see if I qualify
I definitely won't be telling him either way where I'll be staying.

[thedutchgirl]

You have gotten a lot of good advice from others, and I too just want to encourage you.

For safety reasons, I also didn't tell my XH where I moved (I moved out for 4 months and then kept the house and moved back in after he moved out). He made claims about it being ridiculous or having a right to know. He didn't. Don't get sucked into believing that from him. And remember, his feelings and reactions are NOT your fault and they are NOT your responsibility.

[statlerwaldorf]

He is abusive and you can't fix an abuser. I don't know if you've ever heard of gaslighting, but I would take a minute to google it. It is really common and can make you think things aren't as bad as they are. Also my XH attacked me in the middle of broad daylight in front of witnesses when I tried to leave. Please make a safety plan and don't go back. Abusers are very manipulative, so I really encourage you to cut all contact.

I started dating XH in high school and we were married for 8 years. It was so scary. I was scared of what he would do. I didn't have much of an identity outside of being XH's wife. I was never on my own. I ended up having to get a protection order and I've had some vandalism, but nowhere near all of the things he would threaten. I still have a good relationship with XSIL. It was weird for a little bit, but I think that was mostly in my own head. Once everything settled, we remained friends.

I had a lot of anxiety up until he moved out. I was completely dreading it, but I was surprised to feel mostly relief when the time actually came. It just got better from there. And I didn't fully realize how bad it was until I got out. It is a terrible feeling to not feel safe in your own home.

It ended up being very empowering for me. This might seem silly, but I was worried about owning my home and having to fix things. Then my dishwasher broke. And I was able to fix it on my own. It was just a turning point for me. Like hey, I got this. I have a confidence I never thought was possible. I almost felt like a different person without that stress weighing me down. And I realized I was always my own person and not just XH's wife. Just walking on eggshells and trying to take care of him made me feel that way.

Living alone can be pretty nice. It does get a little lonely sometimes, but not as lonely as being with someone who treats you that way. I liked being able to watch what I want on TV or eat whatever I want for dinner. I made new friends and had new experiences. I was able to put myself out there in a way I never thought I could do. You will be surprised at how capable you are once you are out on your own.

[statlerwaldorf]

Jan 19, 2017 18:30:10 GMT -5 booknerd said:

Jan 19, 2017 12:51:00 GMT -5 shoofly said:

booknerd - you have received so much great advice in this thread already. I just wanted to reiterate that you're definitely not alone in making this type of decision...I, too, married my high school sweetheart. We were together for 12 years (15-27). Nothing was more difficult than telling him I didn't think our marriage would work out. We had been married for about 2 years when that happened. In my case, he wasn't violent, so that fear didn't exacerbate leaving.

Please, please be careful. I have since been in a violent/abusive relationship and understand how scary it can truly be. Know that you have support here, even if it seems too difficult. You CAN do it. You CAN be happy. You deserve to be!

Thank you for sharing with me. I know what you mean, despite everything I don't want to hurt him.

This right here is what you need to work on.  I hope I'm not coming off harsh.  This was my problem.  Has he been concerned about hurting you?  My guess is that he knows this and has been using it to manipulate you.  And doing what is right for you isn't hurting him.  Any pain that it does cause him is a consequence of his own behavior. You don't need to take responsibility for his actions.  Once you stop taking responsibility for him, it will make a huge difference.

[doglove]

Jan 20, 2017 13:50:19 GMT -5 statlerwaldorf said:

Jan 19, 2017 18:30:10 GMT -5 booknerd said:

Thank you for sharing with me. I know what you mean, despite everything I don't want to hurt him.

This right here is what you need to work on.  I hope I'm not coming off harsh.  This was my problem.  Has he been concerned about hurting you?  My guess is that he knows this and has been using it to manipulate you.  And doing what is right for you isn't hurting him.  Any pain that it does cause him is a consequence of his own behavior. You don't need to take responsibility for his actions.  Once you stop taking responsibility for him, it will make a huge difference.

This is so important because I believe they do use this tactic to manipulate us and our good nature. In my marriage, I was constantly worried about him, his feelings, how he'd react to things, etc. It was ALWAYS all about him and never about how I felt or how his actions were affecting me. It was when I finally realized he didn't care about how he was treating or hurting me that I had enough and found the courage to leave him. 

[booknerd]

Jan 20, 2017 13:50:19 GMT -5 statlerwaldorf said:

Jan 19, 2017 18:30:10 GMT -5 booknerd said:

Thank you for sharing with me. I know what you mean, despite everything I don't want to hurt him.

This right here is what you need to work on.  I hope I'm not coming off harsh.  This was my problem.  Has he been concerned about hurting you?  My guess is that he knows this and has been using it to manipulate you.  And doing what is right for you isn't hurting him.  Any pain that it does cause him is a consequence of his own behavior. You don't need to take responsibility for his actions.  Once you stop taking responsibility for him, it will make a huge difference.

Not harsh at all. And you're definitely right and thank you for the input. I think my problem is I'm too caught up in how it used to be. Then I start doubting myself and wondering if we can ever get back there.

[doriswe]

Jan 20, 2017 19:22:05 GMT -5 booknerd said:

Jan 20, 2017 13:50:19 GMT -5 statlerwaldorf said:

This right here is what you need to work on.  I hope I'm not coming off harsh.  This was my problem.  Has he been concerned about hurting you?  My guess is that he knows this and has been using it to manipulate you.  And doing what is right for you isn't hurting him.  Any pain that it does cause him is a consequence of his own behavior. You don't need to take responsibility for his actions.  Once you stop taking responsibility for him, it will make a huge difference.

Not harsh at all. And you're definitely right and thank you for the input. I think my problem is I'm too caught up in how it used to be. Then I start doubting myself and wondering if we can ever get back there.

I don't know how you could ever go back to the way it was and not have that voice in the back of your head asking you 'will he do it again?' And honestly, I cannot imagine trying to go back to a guy who could use A GUN to threaten me.

[booknerd]

Jan 20, 2017 19:37:46 GMT -5 doriswe said:

Jan 20, 2017 19:22:05 GMT -5 booknerd said:

Not harsh at all. And you're definitely right and thank you for the input. I think my problem is I'm too caught up in how it used to be. Then I start doubting myself and wondering if we can ever get back there.

I don't know how you could ever go back to the way it was and not have that voice in the back of your head asking you 'will he do it again?' And honestly, I cannot imagine trying to go back to a guy who could use A GUN to threaten me.

I know you're right. There's no going back. And I'm still just in such shock that he did that still. I'm hoping the therapist I see will help me process through that.

[Shreddingbetty]

booknerd
Sounds like you really just need to get the hell out since he is being abusive. That said I would like to share a couple of things. First of all read codependent no more, even if/when you get out of this marriage I think it will be helpful.
MH just went through 90 days of rehab for alcoholism. This has been a long standing problem for him and he had quit several times but never lasted. The longest run was 13 months sober. But he just quit and never sought any kind of treatment. Since his stint in rehab I have learned a lot about addiction and how evil of a disease it really is. I also learned that MH was just a dry drunk when he quit last time. He wasn't drinking but basically his behaviors were still those of an alcoholic. I realized that alcohol is only a small part of the problem....manipulation, poor coping skills and lots of behavioral issues that were lifelong and very challenging for both of us to deal with. It has been really hard but he was nowhere near ready to be home after 30 days. His behaviors didn't start changing until about week 7! It sounds like your husband is a dry drunk. Fortunately for me MH has never been an abusive drunk (I would've left a long time ago) but not every drunk is non violent.
Lastly, cross addiction rates are very high (stopping one addiction and switching to something else) and sounds like that is exactly what happened to your husband.
I know people quit without rehab or outpatient treatment or AA but I think the majority of addicts need intense rehab in order to deal with the underlying behaviors. Substance is only small part of the addiction.
Be grateful that you don't have any kids and get out. I understand your concern about your MIL but ultimately you need to take care of you. You ant stay with your H because you like your MiL a lot. Chances are that is she is aware of what's going on she will not take his side and you may be able to maintain a relationship with her.
You may also want to consider checking out alanon. I don't love it but you realize that you're not alone and that you have absolutely no control over your H addiction and that it is not your fault.
And counseling, I hate that I have to go because of MH problem but it has been very helpful to work through things even though we are still in a rough spot marriage wise. I obviously have codependent issues that I need to work in regardless of what happens to our marriage.
I wish you all the best and hope you get out quickly and safely!

[booknerd]

Jan 23, 2017 1:33:21 GMT -5 Shreddingbetty said:

booknerd
Sounds like you really just need to get the hell out since he is being abusive. That said I would like to share a couple of things. First of all read codependent no more, even if/when you get out of this marriage I think it will be helpful.
MH just went through 90 days of rehab for alcoholism. This has been a long standing problem for him and he had quit several times but never lasted. The longest run was 13 months sober. But he just quit and never sought any kind of treatment. Since his stint in rehab I have learned a lot about addiction and how evil of a disease it really is. I also learned that MH was just a dry drunk when he quit last time. He wasn't drinking but basically his behaviors were still those of an alcoholic. I realized that alcohol is only a small part of the problem....manipulation, poor coping skills and lots of behavioral issues that were lifelong and very challenging for both of us to deal with. It has been really hard but he was nowhere near ready to be home after 30 days. His behaviors didn't start changing until about week 7! It sounds like your husband is a dry drunk. Fortunately for me MH has never been an abusive drunk (I would've left a long time ago) but not every drunk is non violent.
Lastly, cross addiction rates are very high (stopping one addiction and switching to something else) and sounds like that is exactly what happened to your husband.
I know people quit without rehab or outpatient treatment or AA but I think the majority of addicts need intense rehab in order to deal with the underlying behaviors. Substance is only small part of the addiction.
Be grateful that you don't have any kids and get out. I understand your concern about your MIL but ultimately you need to take care of you. You ant stay with your H because you like your MiL a lot. Chances are that is she is aware of what's going on she will not take his side and you may be able to maintain a relationship with her.
You may also want to consider checking out alanon. I don't love it but you realize that you're not alone and that you have absolutely no control over your H addiction and that it is not your fault.
And counseling, I hate that I have to go because of MH problem but it has been very helpful to work through things even though we are still in a rough spot marriage wise. I obviously have codependent issues that I need to work in regardless of what happens to our marriage.
I wish you all the best and hope you get out quickly and safely!

Thank you for your response, and thank you for the book rec, I will check that out.

I've never heard of dry drunk, but from what I'm reading it fits him pretty well. I'll be reading more about that today.

[Shreddingbetty]

Jan 23, 2017 10:52:59 GMT -5 booknerd said:

Jan 23, 2017 1:33:21 GMT -5 Shreddingbetty said:

booknerd
Sounds like you really just need to get the hell out since he is being abusive. That said I would like to share a couple of things. First of all read codependent no more, even if/when you get out of this marriage I think it will be helpful.
MH just went through 90 days of rehab for alcoholism. This has been a long standing problem for him and he had quit several times but never lasted. The longest run was 13 months sober. But he just quit and never sought any kind of treatment. Since his stint in rehab I have learned a lot about addiction and how evil of a disease it really is. I also learned that MH was just a dry drunk when he quit last time. He wasn't drinking but basically his behaviors were still those of an alcoholic. I realized that alcohol is only a small part of the problem....manipulation, poor coping skills and lots of behavioral issues that were lifelong and very challenging for both of us to deal with. It has been really hard but he was nowhere near ready to be home after 30 days. His behaviors didn't start changing until about week 7! It sounds like your husband is a dry drunk. Fortunately for me MH has never been an abusive drunk (I would've left a long time ago) but not every drunk is non violent.
Lastly, cross addiction rates are very high (stopping one addiction and switching to something else) and sounds like that is exactly what happened to your husband.
I know people quit without rehab or outpatient treatment or AA but I think the majority of addicts need intense rehab in order to deal with the underlying behaviors. Substance is only small part of the addiction.
Be grateful that you don't have any kids and get out. I understand your concern about your MIL but ultimately you need to take care of you. You ant stay with your H because you like your MiL a lot. Chances are that is she is aware of what's going on she will not take his side and you may be able to maintain a relationship with her.
You may also want to consider checking out alanon. I don't love it but you realize that you're not alone and that you have absolutely no control over your H addiction and that it is not your fault.
And counseling, I hate that I have to go because of MH problem but it has been very helpful to work through things even though we are still in a rough spot marriage wise. I obviously have codependent issues that I need to work in regardless of what happens to our marriage.
I wish you all the best and hope you get out quickly and safely!

Thank you for your response, and thank you for the book rec, I will check that out.

I've never heard of dry drunk, but from what I'm reading it fits him pretty well. I'll be reading more about that today.

I had never heard of that term either before rehab.  Like I said, I learned a lot these last 4 months, rehab was a real eye opener for me. I am a medical provider and always just naively though that quitting drinking would fix the problem (as do most people that are not in this themselves). I always recommended AA to my patients and even though that may work for some people, I think the large majority would really need rehab (which most people cannot really afford unfortunately). MH didn't really have a choice in his 90 days inpatient rehab ( I guess ultimately he did, he could have left but he would have probably lost his job or be severely restricted but he was ordered rehab because of the type of work he does) but he really thought he was ready to go home after 30 days and was pissed when they made him stay.  I think he does genuinely understand now that 30 days was not enough for him. I am not sure I would still be at home if he had come home after 30 days. Things were really ugly between us while he was in rehab and got worse rather than better.  It is still a struggle now (because I really detached from him in the past 3 years) but it has improved some. It won't be an easy road because our whole lives have basically changed and even though he is sober and his behaviors have changed for the better it is very different.

One of the things I am learning is that I need to take care of me. Easier said than done but in the last 2-3 years I did start doing a lot more for me but that was really mostly because I did not want to be home and he was rarely interested in doing anything so DD and I did a lot on our own. But codependence is a real thing and it is like I need to learn who I am and what I need. It is a strange concept especially when you're in your 40s. You would think you know who you are

Pleasure unwoven is a really good documentary about addiction that we watched during family week at rehab. Not sure if you can find the whole thing on youtube but maybe your library has it.  it really is a disease but I have not found that knowing that makes it easier to deal with, I think a lot of that has to do with that the disease really did a number on our relationship before he went to rehab which is usually not the case when someone gets diagnosed with diabetes or cancer. As you can tell I'm still really struggling with this but I am giving it a chance because he is a good person and we have a DD together. Had I not had a kid I am not sure I would have stuck around honestly.  

And presuming you are not staying in the marriage I think it would still be helpful to learn about addiction and codependence because from what I have seen in my alanon meetings a lot of these people may leave one relationship but then end up being drawn to the same type of person if that makes sense and end up in similar situations ( I have only had my two marriages as relationships which is why I mostly refer to other people).

Addiction is a very ugly thing and I don't think anyone that has not lived it really gets it. I guess I have lived it for several years but did not really get it until it was properly addressed (it had always been a secret) and he went to rehab.