Mom Issues

[mellym]

This is a long vent but I have mom issues.

This past weekend, my brother and I were talking about how we can't wait to take an adult vacation without kids in 5 years and how we would go to a beach and just chill with a book and relax since life is so crazy right now with little kids. They have a 4yo and baby. Just kind of commiserating together that we don't have time to even eat, let alone think about reading a book most days because the kids are very young and at demanding ages. So my mom hears us and starts reprimanding us, like how dare you think that life is hard - at least you have an involved spouse while she raised us all on her own since my Dad was always working. Going on how she worked FT and still did everything around the house and for us kids. We don't have it hard at all and we should just be happy that we have kids and enjoy it now. Yes, I 100% agree that what you did was amazing and must have been difficult but are you really saying that this parenthood gig isn't hard for everyone?

I don't feel like I can ever be real about it with her or get support because she always throws those comments  in my face - your husband is around and helps you, how would you like to be like me? She gets angry at me that I don't want to take the kids (2 and 5) shopping with her, to restaurants, garage sales etc. "I took you kids everywhere by myself."  Good for you but that's not enjoyable to me, they'd rather be playing.  DH and I shouldn't need breaks or date nights, she didn't ever get a break. She never had that problem (name anything) with her kids, we were well behaved and listened. Basically makes me feel like I'm not doing anything right. If it's not me, then she's questioning my brother and SIL's parenting decisions and complaining about them to me (my brother should work more overtime, SIL works too late, eating habits, too many time outs, etc).  She has never once said that we're doing a good job, it's always but did you do x, y or z?  I just can't imagine not giving my kids all of my love and support, esp during the baby and toddler years.

So, is this normal behavior?  Any tips for me to let it go in one ear and out the other instead of always being upset after talking/seeing her?

[waverly]

Its not normal per se. But it is how her personality is, and I don't think that will change. So I think you need to realize that she is not the person to have those conversations with because she will not be helpful.

If however, she is mad you don't want to take the kids to garage sales, that is her problem not your fault. So as hard as it is not to be upset that she is angry, you have to just realize that you put out a boundary (don't want to take the kids shopping) and she is reacting unfavorably to that. But it is still a boundary that needs to be put out there by you. I for one detest shopping 99% of the time, so I get it and I am not even bringing the kids, and shopping with my mom is 10 times worse because she tries to guilt me into buying things and take care of me like I am still a child.

As far as the developmentally appropriate stuff that 99% of kids go through, I just assume that they have selective amnesia. I am pretty sure that you guys had temper tantrums and she just forgot. I mean some kids tantrum more than others, but even just crying and whining I am sure happened. So I usually go with the they forgot line.

I think for some people in that age group of culture, it was supposed to be a certain way and talked about a certain way. So they were supposed to have it hard with no help from the spouse and they were supposed to pretend that wasn't happening or that it was easy. If I ask some people with that kind of background, then I get those kinds of answers. Some other people will be real and honest with me, but the other ones are too busy pretending that everything was fine.

Does she provide childcare for you? I think parents who provide childcare tend to be a bit more involved in the family business/ issues than other Grandparents.

[saraml13]

Hugs and commiseration. I also feel like having kids, particularly right around when DS1 was born, has been a very tough time for my relationship with my mom. My mom isn't bitter/aggressive like your mom, but I don't feel like I get any empathy or support from her. Partly it's that she's forgotten a lot of the gory details of having young kids, partly it's that she's not a touchy-feely person. She also can't help offering her opinion, even when it isn't useful.

A quick sampling of the types of things she says that drive me nuts:
- Why does baby DS1 cry so much / loud? My sister and I hardly ever cried.
- Why do my boys wake up so much during the night? My sister and I were down to one wakeup after the first few weeks.
- She never let us cry.
- My sister and I were perfect little angels who sat quietly in church from birth.
- Newborn baby clothes are stupid and worthless and will never be worn. I should cut up any NB clothes I was given into burp cloths before baby is even born. (Note: I had to run out to Target the day I got home from the hospital to buy more NB clothes for my 8+lb baby)
- Bassinets are useless because baby will outgrown them in 2 weeks.
- Why do I need a double electric pump for pumping at work? She did just fine with a manual pump.
- There's no reason for me to buy a (used) double stroller for child #2 because they are too bulky.

I have no real advice because I've basically just bit my tongue and stewed to myself. And commiserated with my sister. Just chiming in that this behavior, while super frustrating, isn't particularly uncommon.

[mae0111]

I agree with a lot of what waverly said. My mom is also very critical of a lot of things I do, but she can give helpful advice now and then. She's very judgy about almost everything, but I know she loves my kids.

Over the years, I've learned that she won't change, so I just have to let it roll off my back. She's 69 years old. She's not going to change - she is only getting worse as she gets older. So I have to adjust my thinking.

Selective amnesia is definitely a thing with my mother. For example, DD1 won't eat anything. I was picky too. My mom made me sit at the table until dinner was gone. We let DD1 leave, but dinner is dinner, and we don't accommodate much. Mom says, "Oh, come on, I always made you a PB&J when you didn't want dinner." Um... no, you didn't. You made me sit there until I ate it.

It will take time to change your mindset. It took me a while, and she still manages to upset me. My favorite line of hers is "If someone's going to keep working after having kids, why have them at all?... Oh, not you dear. I was thinking of someone else." That one still gets under my skin. But the rest of it? Meh... I just try to remind myself that I'll be sad when I don't have her to nag me anymore.

[ECB]

Waverly said what I was going to say - clearly you aren't going to be able to talk about raising youru kids with her. It sucks - she's your mom. The one person you'd really think you could talk to! But she clearly harbors a lot of resentment and/or jealousy and isn't in a place to be that person for you.

So- I'd pull back on talking about kid issues around her.

I'm sorry. It's hard. And I also agree - I feel that as people get older, they tend to only remember the good stuff about raising kids! You and your brother weren't perfect. You just weren't. AND really- if you HAD been perfect, she wouldn't be so angry about the circumstances she was in!!

[indyrowergirl]

Nothing more to add than commiseration. I could vent for days about my mother, her attitude towards me as a fellow parent, and her grand-parenting. Instead I'm channeling my inner Elsa and telling myself she's not worth my energy.

[rere]

I had to tell my mom very firmly to knock it off. I didn't speak to her for a week after she piped up that at least her kids didn't have flat heads because babies should sleep on their stomach. I finally had to tell her if she couldn't respect how I do it as a mother, then she may not be spending a lot of time with her grandchildren.

[traveltheworld]

My mom is like that too, but it extends to every aspect of life. As in, I can't complain about anything, ever. Admittedly, she had a tough life, but that doesn't give her the right to minimalize every challenge that I face. But, over the years, I've learned to just let it go and not complain in front of her. When she is being critical of my parenting, I just nodd and ignore. The truth is, she does think that we are good parents - I overheard her a few times telling her friends how dedicated DH and I are as parents, she just won't acknowledge it in front of me.

[2chatter]

Just take it with a grain of salt. I think lots of people in our parents' generation think we all have it too easy. At book club one night a woman in her 60s said that then said "except 2chatter because she works and her husband is never home, but the rest of you!" It is like they think it should be harder for us while swearing it was easy for them (implying we are fuck ups).

My mom is essentially my fourth child. So silver lining - we don't have these conversations -- ever. I can't imagine I wouldn't want to strangle her!

[mellym]

Thank you all! It makes me feel better to know that other people are hearing these same types of comments from their own mothers. I know I need to ignore her and not let it upset me but it's so hard because she's my mom. We talk almost every day and she usually has at least one negative comment for me. You're right that I'm not going to change her so I need to change how I deal with her instead. I'm going to try to put some distance there and only call a couple of times a week instead.

saraml13, those are the comments we get from both my mom and MIL. They both had perfect angels and did everything better without any help from anyone. I call BS in my head considering we and my DH spent a lot of the time with our grandparents. How often do you see/talk to your mom? I think this has been especially draining because my mom doesn't have many people in her life so she wants to complain to someone almost every day and be negative.

waverly, no our kids are in dc centers. She occasionally babysits on weekends, maybe once every couple of months.

[shakinros]

My mom is very good about never criticizing our parenting (a result of her being criticized and undercut by her own mom!) and I am super grateful for that. At the same time, she never ever tells me or DH that we're doing a good job. It's just not how she is.

And totally agree with the parenting amnesia. I was saying recently how difficult it is to comb DD's hair because of the knots underneath. Seriously, this kid turns her head to look in another direction and her hair becomes one big tangle. My mom remembers how much she hated having her hair combed as a kid for the same reason then says how glad she was that my hair wasn't such an issue. Um, no. We had truly epic hair combing battles.

[saraml13]

Jul 27, 2017 7:23:12 GMT -5 mellym said:

Thank you all! It makes me feel better to know that other people are hearing these same types of comments from their own mothers. I know I need to ignore her and not let it upset me but it's so hard because she's my mom. We talk almost every day and she usually has at least one negative comment for me. You're right that I'm not going to change her so I need to change how I deal with her instead. I'm going to try to put some distance there and only call a couple of times a week instead.

saraml13, those are the comments we get from both my mom and MIL. They both had perfect angels and did everything better without any help from anyone. I call BS in my head considering we and my DH spent a lot of the time with our grandparents. How often do you see/talk to your mom? I think this has been especially draining because my mom doesn't have many people in her life so she wants to complain to someone almost every day and be negative.

waverly, no our kids are in dc centers. She occasionally babysits on weekends, maybe once every couple of months.

My parents live 10 minutes away and I see them a lot. I see my mom usually 2 times a week for quick exchanges (drop off kids to play, borrow/lend a tool) and we probably have dinner every other week. We don't talk much on the phone. At least my Mom's not an active complainer. I've just learned the types of things that trigger unsolicited advice and try to avoid bringing them up. We're in an ok state now. With both boys, it was toughest right after they were born. I think my mom and I both had visions of lots of grandmotherly visits during maternity leave, but I didn't particularly enjoy having my mom around and I think she could sense it and stayed away.

[erinshelley21]

My mom doesn't make me feel bad about my parenting because she is like the least judgmental person I've ever met and she is extremely supportive. She does, however, make it a little bit harder for me to parent my kids. Sometimes she thinks we are too hard on DS, but that's just because she doesn't like to see him upset. I'm not going to let him act like a heathen just to keep her from being uncomfortable. She also insists on buying him something every time we are out together or having little surprises for him nearly every single time she sees him. She sees him once a week so its not like its every couple months or something. Sometimes being around her with my kids overwhelms me. I just have to avoid her. I don't tell her why, I just don't call her for a couple days. She's too sensitive to know the truth.

When my grandmother was alive, I had to stop talking to her about certain topics because she just did not give a shit about how I felt. It sucks, but sometimes that's the only way to deal.

[xctsclrx]

This thread makes me very grateful for my family. I think it helps that my parents had me at 20 and then my brother at 31. When I was little they both worked active duty military and they were overwhelmed. When my brother was little my mom was a SAHM and my dad was active duty military. My mom has truly had the best and worst of both worlds so when I complain to her she lets me. She knows and still remembers the struggle. I am very thankful for that now.

My grandmother, I think whishes I could be a SAHM, but she understands my personality and that I am not cut out for that. She will make little remarks here and there about how she got to stay at home with her kids and how DS doesn't get to do that. I have had to remind her that she worked when my dad was little. I think she forgets about that time a lot.

[mustardseed2007]

"that is her problem not your fault" is going to be something I have as my new mantra when dealing with all the times when my MIL is annoyed about something we're doing. It's absolutely true.

[judyblume14]

I'm very thankful that my MIL is respectful of boundaries, is super supportive of my H and I as parents, only offers unsolicited advice from the bottom of her heart, and reminds us that we're doing a good job. She was a SAHM and often comments that she doesn't know how we do it - and still do so much "fun" stuff with the girls on the weekends, etc.

But evvvery once in a while, there just this underlying tone (and sometimes actual comments) about houw it's a shame I can't SAH. It's one of the only things that gets under my skin about her, and it leaves me steaming mad. I can't imagine having to put up with some of the crap some of you have to put up with.

My mom passed away before I had kids. But I remember that when my niece was born, though it brought my sister and mom closer together, it caused some explosive battles when my mom would overstep. I miss her sorely and would do anything to have her in my life. But I'm quietly relieved sometime to not have the change to argue about these things with her.

[dglvrk2]

mellym, I'm sorry you're going through this with your mom. I agree with PP's that much of what she says and how she reacts are her personality and, thus, not likely to change. I'd take time - as much as you feel necessary - to establish clear boundaries and change your mind-set so she does not upset you to the extent she currently does.

My mother and I don't agree on much, but parenting is one aspect of life where we stand on fairly common ground. In general, I really appreciate her and my father for raising me and my sister the way they did.

My MIL has a lot of excellent grandma qualities too, but can make comments that are less than nice.

I got some good perspective recently.....We just spent two weeks with her and FIL (vacation to see H's family). She made several comments about DD1's (6 yrs old) emotional outbursts - how it's not normal for a six year old to behave this way. Her kindergarten teacher, H and I were/are consistently working with her on asking for help BEFORE she gets frustrated and remaining calm when she gets a minor injury. She's come a long way this year, especially in school, but MIL isn't around enough to see this.

Along with voicing her opinions, MIL compared her in detail to H's cousin's daughter - we'll call her Casey - who is the same age, saying Casey NEVER cries, complains, or gets frustrated. We hadn't seen Casey in over a year, so I took MIL's word for it until we met up with Casey, H's cousin and Casey's grandmother for a few days. Casey WAS very nice. She and DD1 played really well together etc. I mentioned how well behaved MIL thought Casey was to her mother and grandmother. The mother (H's cousin) laughed so hard coffee came out her nose and the grandmother (MIL's sister) smiled and told me the my MIL clearly hadn't been around the Casey enough. Yes, Casey has a mild temper, but has as much to work on as any other child.

H and I have been together for over 15 years. I've seen some wonderful sides of both MIL and FIL in this time. I've also realized how they hold everyone the love to tremendously high expectations. In terms of mind-set, I have to frequently remind myself of this in order not get down on myself around them....hard but worth it.

[billie]

My mom is great at overstepping so soon after DD was born I had to have some conversations about boundaries to her.

We don't have the same issues as you exactly but she sometimes makes passive aggressive comments in a sweet/joking voice. I now straight up tell her "that's hurtful, knock it off".

Hugs, moms are hard!

[186momx]

Hugs mellym, moms can be the hardest. Mine has gotten a lot more negative the last 4 years or so and very controlling. A lot has to do with having a total empty nest and not having anyone to keep track of and since I'm the only one in town still I get most of it. The thing that I've found to work the best is having my siblings and I on the same page when dealing with mom. Also since she started texting things have gotten a lot better as I can send a text for a question vs a 30+ minute phone call where she goes off on tangents.

[2chatter]

I am
Super jealous of people with parents who text! I'd communicate SO much more with my mom!

[mellym]

Jul 27, 2017 12:42:45 GMT -5 dglvrk2 said:

  I've also realized how they hold everyone the love to tremendously high expectations. In terms of mind-set, I have to frequently remind myself of this in order not get down on myself around them....hard but worth it.

This. Why do you put down the people you love and always see the negative in them but never comment on the positive?  I'm swearing up and down that I will be my kids' biggest cheerleader as they grow.

[mellym]

Jul 27, 2017 14:09:56 GMT -5 186momx said:

Hugs mellym , moms can be the hardest. Mine has gotten a lot more negative the last 4 years or so and very controlling. A lot has to do with having a total empty nest and not having anyone to keep track of and since I'm the only one in town still I get most of it. The thing that I've found to work the best is having my siblings and I on the same page when dealing with mom. Also since she started texting things have gotten a lot better as I can send a text for a question vs a 30+ minute phone call where she goes off on tangents.

Thanks, I think this is a lot of my mom's issue too. Her whole life was about us kids and she's having a hard time not being in control of us (and how her grandkids are raised) and hasn't replaced all that time with something else so she just spirals into negativity.

[erinshelley21]

Jul 27, 2017 15:29:01 GMT -5 2chatter said:

I am
Super jealous of people with parents who text! I'd communicate SO much more with my mom!

DH's 92 year old grandpa got an iPhone just so he could text. He is very hard of hearing, even with hearing aids, so it's vital to him staying in the loop.

[freezorburn]

Sorry the dynamic with your mom is so tough and awkward. Was it like this before you had kids, too?

My parents are also very judgy and do not know where they end and I begin. Working on establishing and maintaining boundaries with them has helped a lot. It's an ongoing effort, and I've been doing it ever since their toxicity led me to seeking out counseling in college. That was over 2 decades ago. My mom still thinks it's okay to finish my sentences for me.

I think I recently ranted in another thread about how I hate parenting my parents. Which is essentially my approach when I have to spend time with them in person. I try (and frequently fail) to employ the same patience with them that I use with DS. I try to "catch them being good." (This is very hard). I try to explain to them calmly why certain behaviors and ways of speaking are hurtful rather than helpful. And maybe we could look for ways to do things better. It is exhausting. Because I'm working against a lifetime of established behavior patterns. But I feel that this is my only hope for any kind of manageable relationship with them, given our history.

It sounds like you have a healthy relationship with your brother ... I hope you are able to be sources of support for one another in dealing with your mom.

[billie]

I thought of this thread today. Spent the afternoon with my mom and the kids and it was... exhausting. Trying to release it.

[erinshelley21]

Jul 28, 2017 17:37:15 GMT -5 billie said:

I thought of this thread today. Spent the afternoon with my mom and the kids and it was... exhausting. Trying to release it.

This is me whenever I go out with mine and my kids. You'd think it would be relaxing having an extra set of hands. It is not.

[mellym]

erinshelley21 and billie, thank you for sharing. It helps to know that other people get exhausted from it too.

[rere]

Jul 27, 2017 18:03:17 GMT -5 erinshelley21 said:

Jul 27, 2017 15:29:01 GMT -5 2chatter said:

I am
Super jealous of people with parents who text! I'd communicate SO much more with my mom!

DH's 92 year old grandpa got an iPhone just so he could text. He is very hard of hearing, even with hearing aids, so it's vital to him staying in the loop.

Same! I txt my mom all of the time to keep her up to speed on events or ask for babysitting. It helps so much with communication. I always have to have Dh call his parents. Sometimes, I just skip it all together because we don't have time for the hour conversation it takes when you call them.

[vvvvvfee]

Jul 27, 2017 15:44:53 GMT -5 mellym said:

This. Why do you put down the people you love and always see the negative in them but never comment on the positive?  I'm swearing up and down that I will be my kids' biggest cheerleader as they grow.

late to the party here, but yes, i have similar mom issues. she is hypercritical of me and often impatient with the kids. for the first couple of years after DS1 was born, there was lots of comparing him (very high-needs and high-energy) to me as a kid (obedient only child who entertained herself)-- how *i* never did x/y/z. although that has gotten better i guess since we had DS2 who has a totally different personality from DS2. there was also a lot of judging RE the state of cleanliness/upkeep to her own household even though she stayed at home with me until i was in school and then only worked p/t after that.

it's weird, because she's very supportive in deeds (like she picks up both kids every day from daycare and brings them to our house, and helps us with a lot of other things), but she seems miserable doing it most of the time and i get the impression that she's doing it more as a personal favor to me rather than bc she actually is enjoying the time with her grandkids.

my dad was a textbook narcissist and really not involved in child-rearing at ALL, so i think she has a similar perspective to your mom- where it's like, oh, i did it all myself so it should be 2x easier for you since you have a hands-on devoted husband-- while at the same time conveniently forgetting that i have 2 kids, not 1, and that both of us work f/t.

i should be more direct about challenging her when she's critical. i know there are lots of books on the subject (see also the "customers who bought this item also bought" section)- even though some of these may be too extreme, they should all have some helpful info about boundary-setting and responding to criticism.

anyway, my commiseration and hugs to you.

[mellym]

Thanks vvvvvfee, I will check the book out. This comment in a review for it really resonated with me. I need to change my response/thinking because she will never change.

What I like about this book, in particular, is that is reveals the systematic nature of emotionally immature thinking, which underlies the behavior of parents, lovers, friends, and public figures. By revealing the pattern and then explaining the cause (self-protection), it allows the reader to depersonalize the behavior and the damage it has done. For the first time, I can feel "It wasn't me. It was never me. And, it's still not me." And, for the first time, I truly understand that it's a fools errand to try to make someone more emotionally mature. It's their path. I need to accept them as they are and decide how I want them in my life, if at all.

I've tried the direct route with my mom and it hasn't gone well. She gets very defensive, doesn't want to hear what I have to say, will throw it back at me about something I complained about, and then changes the subject or hangs up. One thing I have going for me is that my Dad sees it and will challenge her sometimes but then she gets all huffy with him. He tells me to just ignore her, that's what he does.