Dating someone in LT recovery

[sakoro]

Hi all, I could use some advice, insights and perspective on dating someone who has been in recovery for a number of years.

In January, I met a man on an online dating website who I really hit it off with. On our third date, he told me that he is a member of AA and got sober 20 years ago, relapsed 5 years ago and rejoined and recommitted right away after the relapse. He has a sponsor, goes to meetings regularly and even sponsors other people. I am a very light drinker (like one glass of wine on special occasions) and have never dated someone with addiction/alcoholism, nor do I have any family members with addiction/alcoholism. He reassured me that he is not likely to relapse but he needs to continue doing these activities in order to ensure he stays sober.

We really liked each other, but as time went on, it was very difficult to get together with him because he works a lot of hours (small business owner) and almost all of his free time is spent doing self-care stuff (gym, yoga) or AA related activities.  He also didn't want me interacting with his AA friends. After 3 months of dating, I was only seeing him every other week and it felt like a "friends with benefits" situation rather than something that would evolve into a relationship. So I broke up with him, saying that I wanted a relationship and didn't feel that he had the capacity for that right now. We had a very open conversation and parted ways on good terms.

I didn't hear anything for months, but last week he resurfaced and started texting me again. We are having dinner this week. I've done a little bit of background reading and internet searches about dating someone in longterm recovery. It seems that alcoholics have to prioritize their own recovery first, or else there is no possibility of a relationship. But what about me and my needs and expectations of a relationship? I am finding it a little tricky to find the fine line between accepting a relationship that leaves me kind of lonely and not respecting this guy's need to attend meetings and do AA service work.

Since his business is doing really well at the moment, he could afford to hire an additional staff member to take on some of his work, but I hesitate to tell him how to run his business. 

Is anyone the spouse of an AA or other 12 step recovery group member? How do you balance the needs of the relationship against the needs of a member to attend support groups and do service work? Any advice for me?

[Shreddingbetty]

sakoro ,I'm only a year out with my H and our marriage is in major trouble so I won't be able to really answer that question very much but maybe I can shed a little light on some stuff . My H got out of rehab early January and was going to meetings every single day, sometimes twice a day until I left to go visit my family for a month the end of July. Then I guess he didn't feel the need to go every day since I was gone and his stress level was down a bit. I have been back for almost a month and he apparently still goes to only 1-2 meetings a week. I think at some point and time he will want to sponsor someone but I don't think he can at this point since he is only a year sober and I'm not sure if he has completed his 12 steps yet (like I said we are having major issues and aren't talking much). He did get and AA tattoo while he was in rehab...anyway, I don't think you can really generalize about dating recovering alcoholics. Everyone's needs are different. I would think that 5 years out he would not go to several meeting a week anymore but I guess I don't know, I went to alanon for a few weeks and it wasn't for me but several,of the people there have been coming once a week for many many years, even once their spouse has passed away. I think for some people it just becomes their new life and purpose. I have not met any of my H's AA friends but I think that has more to do with the state of our relationship. AA is anonymous obviously but I doubt that means that you shouldn't meet his friends at some point. I imagine that is his personal choice. My hair dresser's wife went to rehab and then AA for a while and he finally told her he had to chose her or AA because it was taking up a lot of her time and it affected their relationship. She chose him. I think she still goes occasionally just not like she was before.
Self care is very important, really for everybody, not just the recovering alcoholic. But I think you're right that there needs to be a balance, especially after 5 years of sobriety. It may just be that he is very happy with being a big part of AA and helping others. He may have decided that that gives him purpose. I don't think you're wrong to expect more from him if you pursue a relationship. Again, I'm only a year out but it seems reasonable to me that after 5 years he should have more of a balance (they usually recommend against staring a new relationship the first year of sobriety because they need to do a lot,of self care). I don't think you should feel guilty about wanting your needs met. It may just be that he is not ready for a relationship. Like I said, every person is different. It doesn't sound like he is worried about you drinking (doesn't sound like you drink much anyway) but that he is just super involved in AA. It also sounds like you guys have been able to have good talks so I don't think it is unreasonable to bring up your concerns. I think you need to be honest with what you want out of the relationship. Maybe he hasn't really had a relationship since he got sober and maybe it scares him to let go of some of the AA things he is doing , maybe worrying that he could relapse. One of my friend's husbands is 20'years sober but will not got to a get together if there is alcohol present and their social circle really changed once he got sober. I guess I would discuss with him how he feels about you drinking occasionally and in his presence and then decide if you are ok with whatever his answer is. I guess one good thing is that you can figure a lot of these things out before you get into a serious relationship so that you know what to expect and what each of you is comfortable with.
Don't know if that helped at all but hopefully it gave you at least a little insight even though I'm only a year into this .

[sakoro]

Sept 24, 2017 23:53:01 GMT -5 Shreddingbetty said:

It also sounds like you guys have been able to have good talks so I don't think it is unreasonable to bring up your concerns. I think you need to be honest with what you want out of the relationship. Maybe he hasn't really had a relationship since he got sober and maybe it scares him to let go of some of the AA things he is doing , maybe worrying that he could relapse. One of my friend's husbands is 20'years sober but will not got to a get together if there is alcohol present and their social circle really changed once he got sober. I guess I would discuss with him how he feels about you drinking occasionally and in his presence and then decide if you are ok with whatever his answer is. I guess one good thing is that you can figure a lot of these things out before you get into a serious relationship so that you know what to expect and what each of you is comfortable with .

Thanks so much for replying Shreddingbetty. Big hugs to you and your husband as you sort through your relationship.

You are correct, he hasn't been in a relationship since the relapse five years ago and getting sober the second time. So I think you're right, if he steps away from some of his AA activities and outside of this social circle, he's worried about another relapse.

I would like to know more about what caused him to relapse after 15+ years of sobriety. I suspect it has something to do with his relationship at that time (which came to an end around then-- but not sure about the exact timing). Anyway, lots of food for thought. I would love to suggest a few sessions of couples counseling with someone specialized in addiction recovery so that I can feel more reassured that I'm not asking anything unreasonable and that I'm supporting his recovery.

One thing that I like about him is that he is much more able to open up about his feelings and emotions than other men I've dated. I think that's in large part due to him working through the 12 steps.

[Shreddingbetty]

Sept 25, 2017 8:57:18 GMT -5 sakoro said:

Sept 24, 2017 23:53:01 GMT -5 Shreddingbetty said:

It also sounds like you guys have been able to have good talks so I don't think it is unreasonable to bring up your concerns. I think you need to be honest with what you want out of the relationship. Maybe he hasn't really had a relationship since he got sober and maybe it scares him to let go of some of the AA things he is doing , maybe worrying that he could relapse. One of my friend's husbands is 20'years sober but will not got to a get together if there is alcohol present and their social circle really changed once he got sober. I guess I would discuss with him how he feels about you drinking occasionally and in his presence and then decide if you are ok with whatever his answer is. I guess one good thing is that you can figure a lot of these things out before you get into a serious relationship so that you know what to expect and what each of you is comfortable with .

Thanks so much for replying Shreddingbetty . Big hugs to you and your husband as you sort through your relationship.

You are correct, he hasn't been in a relationship since the relapse five years ago and getting sober the second time. So I think you're right, if he steps away from some of his AA activities and outside of this social circle, he's worried about another relapse.

I would like to know more about what caused him to relapse after 15+ years of sobriety. I suspect it has something to do with his relationship at that time (which came to an end around then-- but not sure about the exact timing). Anyway, lots of food for thought. I would love to suggest a few sessions of couples counseling with someone specialized in addiction recovery so that I can feel more reassured that I'm not asking anything unreasonable and that I'm supporting his recovery.

One thing that I like about him is that he is much more able to open up about his feelings and emotions than other men I've dated. I think that's in large part due to him working through the 12 steps.

 I don't know that I would do couples counseling personally. It sounds like he is pretty good at talking about things so I would start with that. I think you need to be able to live your life the way you want to. You don't want to change you in order to accommodate his sobriety really. You already don't really drink and I think that could possibly be an issue if you did (although I still drink especially when with friends but I don't drink at home, or rarely so, because I just don't enjoy it that much by myself). I think you want to be supportive of his sobriety but not at your expense if you know what I mean. Personally I think it is a bit odd that he doesn't want you to meet his AA friends if they are also regular friends. And maybe he just wasn't ready for it at that point in your relationship. If he is super involved with AA to the point where there is no time for you I think it is fair to bring that up. I'm certainly no expert but after 5 years it seems like he shouldn't have to go to that many meetings anymore and if he really does then maybe he is not really ready for a relationship if he is still very dependent on AA. Don't get me wrong, I think it is great that he is sponsoring people and still involved but after 5 years it doesn't seem like the bulk of his time should be spent with AA. He may just be super paranoid about relapsing and can't let go of AA, in which case it would also seem a bit unlikely that he is ready to jump into a serious relationship. From what I understand some people really get very hardcore about their recovery, which if course is very important, but it can come at the cost of personal relationships. And if that's what they need to do to stay sober then that's what they need to do but that means that you will not come first and they should not be in a relationship. At some point they need to be a able to balance life and recovery and until they are ready for that (which obviously will have different time frames for everyone) they should not be seriously involved with someone. That said, this doesn't mean you should run from him by any means but I would go into this with your eyes wide open. Like I said, it sounds like he is able and willing to talk about stuff and so it seems like you can do this without professional help at this point. My H had a counselor who definitely put his recovery first and it ended up killing his marriage (they were obviously married before he got clean).
it is great that he is still going strong after 5 years and you will never have a guarantee that he won't ever relapse again but then again there are no guarantees in life for anything. And from the way you worded your initial msg he relapsed but then quickly got on top of things. He probably had stopped going to meetings and then relapsed after 15 years so I can see that he would be very concerned about not doing anything at all out of fear that he would relapse again at some point. Anyway there should be some sort of middle ground at some point and I think you just need to be open and honest with him and take it from there. Good luck!!

[flex]

Hi sakoro, I can weigh in as someone who has several years of sobriety and is involved in AA. However, I'm right in the middle of trying to get settled into my new house. Once I have a bit of time in the next couple days, I'll check in again and give you my two-cents worth.

: )

[flex]

Oct 2, 2017 16:31:15 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

I apologize for the delay in my reply.  This board has been incredibly helpful for me,  I hope I can provide something useful to you.  PDQ. I will delete personal details. 

Recovering addicts need to prioritize their own recovery in order to be available for a healthy relationship. This doesn't mean you need to accept not having your own needs met. If you feel that your needs from a partner or relationship expectations are not being met now, it probably won't change in the future.  Intimacy is tricky where addiction/recovery are involved.  My advice is to spend some time learning about your own boundaries and what you consider acceptable or unacceptable behavior. On all levels, big and small. 

Relapse can happen at any time after any period of sobriety.  It's reassuring that he is actively working to maintain sobriety.  However, if it takes a lot of his time and energy, he may not have much left to give to a relationship. It is okay for you to decide you want something different out of a partner.  

Deleted.

  

Addiction fucking sucks. It sucks for the addict and it sucks for those close to them.  I wish you the best with this.  If you have any questions, let us know.

What lucy said...she captures it perfectly.  The important thing is you do you.  It's up to this gentleman to determine what his needs are and the level of activity he has with AA, but it's up to you to decide what your own personal needs are.  If you want more time with a partner, then you may need to move on.  But that's entirely up to you.  : )  

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.  

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 2, 2017 16:31:15 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

I apologize for the delay in my reply.  This board has been incredibly helpful for me,  I hope I can provide something useful to you.  PDQ. I will delete personal details. 

Recovering addicts need to prioritize their own recovery in order to be available for a healthy relationship. This doesn't mean you need to accept not having your own needs met. If you feel that your needs from a partner or relationship expectations are not being met now, it probably won't change in the future.  Intimacy is tricky where addiction/recovery are involved.  My advice is to spend some time learning about your own boundaries and what you consider acceptable or unacceptable behavior. On all levels, big and small. 

Relapse can happen at any time after any period of sobriety.  It's reassuring that he is actively working to maintain sobriety.  However, if it takes a lot of his time and energy, he may not have much left to give to a relationship. It is okay for you to decide you want something different out of a partner.  

Deleted.

  

Addiction fucking sucks. It sucks for the addict and it sucks for those close to them.  I wish you the best with this.  If you have any questions, let us know.

word for word what Lucy said ... my now xh relapsed on a FIFTEEN year dormant meth habit, went to rehab and relapsed again 6 weeks later bc when he told me he 'needed' me for his recovery to stick I told him that his recovery is HIS responsibility and he needs to take ownership of it. He didn't want to and continues to live as a transient drug addict.

Me personally, if I see the words recovery, I RUN the other direction .... I don't have it in me ho deal w that on a relationship.