Post by doctoranda on Nov 13, 2017 22:08:33 GMT -5
Since I last created a thread on here about having a really hard time I have sought help and been working on beating this depression. It was going pretty well. Since then I have been seeing a therapist, doing CBT exercises, enjoying life a bit more, volunteering, and also started to care for my appearance again. But oh boy I had a hard hard day. Where I live now I don't really have a friend that I can call or see to talk about it. Sooo I put it on here. Hope you all don't mind.
I am in the last 3 days before the deadline for submitting a book chapter for an edited volume. I was about to sit down to write when the mail came. In it was my new photo ID that I just had made so I have something to fly with once I renew my Dutch passport (which takes 3 weeks). I don't have a US Drivers License and I am in the middle of green card procedures. The photo ID has a banner on it that says you can't use it for federal identification (this includes boarding a commercial aircraft). Getting my passport renewed has to happen in another state and it takes 3 weeks to get my new one. I panicked a bit but learned while wildly googling that I can use my employment authorization card to fly. However, the whole situation directed my attention to still not having a green card and also of how hard it can be to be a foreigner, and that for some reason all my documents (social security card, ID, etc.) always have to point out on the front that I am a foreigner (it sometimes makes me feel so out of place). I cried. Then I panicked because I was spending time on these thought and feeling sorry for myself whereas I had to write my chapter. I did my GBT exercises and gained some perspective but I was still sad (although not anxious or overwhelmed). I managed to write until it was time to cook dinner. After finishing this draft around dinner time I gave the draft to DH to edit since I am not a native English speaker and the volume is in English. He is a great editor and very precise (catches mistakes in citations etc.) but he had to comment on everything that I wrote weird or wrong. Sometimes this was to clarify but at times not at all. I said to him that I thought that maybe I did a shit job on my writing today and that might have made the draft worse. Then DH said "well why would you make it worse? Why do you do that?" and some other things that are truly unhelpful to say to a persion suffering from depression and a very strong sense of failing at her job. So I had a anxiety attack. I cried so hard. I am so scared the chapter isn't good enough. I wanted to see a friend but there is no one here with whom I have a relationship like that. I am exhausted right now and I guess am just looking for someone that will listen. I know if I keep redirecting my thoughts I will be alright and that tomorrow will most likely be much better but it is a struggle sometimes.
Post by crimsonandclover on Nov 14, 2017 1:46:20 GMT -5
I'm currently proofreading chapters submitted to an academic book by non-native English speakers. I assure you that you're fine. That doesn't address the underlying anxiety, but remember that even native speakers don't write perfectly. My spoken German is near native, but I am so insecure about my writing and get very defensive when DH corrects my work too much even though I'm the one asking him to proofread it! So I get that. Have you considered having a professional do it? I think that takes a bit of emotion out of it, and you know they're not going to judge you. You could ask your dept if there's some $ available for proofreading. Often there is. Hang in there. It sounds like you're making progress on the green card front, even if it is slow.
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Post by rupertpenny on Nov 14, 2017 7:01:36 GMT -5
I’m sorry, that sounds really rough. Im sorry your H isn’t more understanding. Even in the best of times I can’t handle excessive critiques on my writing.
I also wanted to say that your written English is very good! Much better than most of what I read from most non native speakers.
crimsonandclover thank you. I am also anxious about the content of my chapter not just the English. I am not officially in any department right now and so no money for a professional (academic precarity). Maybe in the future though!
rupertpenny yes the critiques can be so hard especially when you aren't confident of the whole thing to begin with.
Post by mrsukyankee on Nov 15, 2017 13:00:47 GMT -5
Hugs. Sounds like you are applying your work in therapy well - it's not going to always go perfectly but it will work better and better over time. I do bet that your inner critic is a lot stronger than you imagine and your H fed into it a bit too much. Perhaps, when things have calmed down, you could talk to him about it a bit so he can be a bit more cognisant in the moment. If you ever need any support, do PM me!
I'm sorry. That sounds really rough. I agree with pps that your English is excellent. I write and edit for a living, and I've seen articles published in academic journals that are more poorly written than what you've just put on here (many of them from native speakers).
I'm sorry. That sounds really rough. I agree with pps that your English is excellent. I write and edit for a living, and I've seen articles published in academic journals that are more poorly written than what you've just put on here (many of them from native speakers).
That makes me feel good because that was written in an emotional upheaval and is not how I write my academic pieces ;-) Or maybe the emotional upheaval makes things better hahaha.