chchchia. I should have specified Muslim children being adopted.
Out of curiosity, which country did your family adopt from and how long ago?
Ah, I see your point now. Excuse my defensiveness, she is from Persia (modern day Iran) and it was mid 80’s. She was left in an orphanage and born to (what they can figure) an opiate addicted mother. She also was not an infant when she was adopted either. I don’t know if any of that makes a difference.
I find the title of the article misleading, but nothing was surprising to me. When I hear "anti-adoption" I think of people who don't think it should ever happen, at all, because they either think children should remain with biological relatives at all costs or from the perspective that you can't love a non-biological child as your own.
Regarding the article and the coercion and abuse in the adoption world, it's not new to me but it is still heart-breaking. I'm considering adoption myself and I'm nervous that my research, questions, etc. won't be thorough enough to make sure I work with an agency that is ethical. We are currently decided against international adoption for many of the reasons, including how "orphan" is defined (if at all) by other countries and the ethical issues arising as a result.
I don't have experience with the white savior complex situation. My brother is mixed race (also adopted) and neither of us (or our other adopted friends and relatives) have that experience as domestic, infant adoptions.
I do have mixed feelings about biological relatives being prioritized at seemingly all costs. Given my own birth family's circumstances that would have been very difficult, if not impossible. I have read that Primal Wound book referenced by OP and some parts resonated with me but many parts did not. I talked about it with other adopted friends and they didn't agree either. It's hard to look at the life I have today and think that I would have been better off with my birth family.
It's hard to know what is really in the best interest of the child v. the interests of adoptive or birth parents. It begs the question of what does it mean to be an adequate parent? How much do we take temporary circumstances into account when determining these things?
That's a lot of rambling, but I felt the need to contribute as an adoptee, if for no other reason than to have that voice shared here.
Re: bolded - so infertile couples are just fucked according to this movement?
Re: "savior" adoption - I totally agree. I saw this first hand with my fundamentalist aunt. Though the potential adopted child was white, the birth family was a different religion. My aunt said on a few occasions that she wanted to adopt this older child so she would "have a chance at a relationship with Christ" which I found deplorable. The adoption didn't work out for other reasons, though.
Exactly. Apparently that's our own problem. Oh well, I shouldn't have been infertile, I guess!
I get that an adopted child isn't a consolation prize, and it's something I'm trying to figure out now - if adopting would feel exactly the same to me as having a biological child. If not, I shouldn't do it. I know that. But I also know so many people who have successfully gone through adoption and it's been a really great experience for everyone involved.
Do you mean you are wondering if you will love them the same?
For me personally, as someone who has a biological child and am in the process of adopting my nephew, they do not feel exactly the same. The LOVE I have for both of my children is the same. But adoption brings many other thoughts and emotions into play that can't and shouldn't be dismissed.
This is hard because adoption is no nuanced, I don't think it can be painted in such a broad brush. Mandating open adoptions sticks out to me as something that would be very difficult to legislate.
I do have mixed feelings about biological relatives being prioritized at seemingly all costs.
Can you say more about this? Have you experienced this personally or are you meaning generally?
Overall generally but in my nephew's adoption out of foster care it went on much longer than normal and it gave me concern. Prior to his adoption, my SIL fostered several children who were reunited with their families (yay!) so I'm in support of that, but I was concerned in that particular situation.
I'm also just nervous about the perspective that biology and blood relation trumps all but my experience colors that for me. I'm really happy with my life and I love my (adoptive) family very much, and never knew anything else. To know that some people believe I would have been better off in the circumstances I was born into because of blood relation doesn't make sense. It makes sense that the birth mother/family should not experience that heart break, loss, grief, etc. and her life may have been better w/o adoption but mine? I don't agree.
Now, I say that as a domestic, infant, caucasian adoptee. I recognize that race and cultural issues come into play ex: white family adopting a non-white child and that child being able to experience their birth culture, having important figures in their life from their birth race or culture, etc.
Adoption is so complicated because while it is beautiful for a family to make this choice, it involves some kind of loss both for the birth mother/ family and for the child. There are groups of adult adoptees who take issue with the whole “savior” aspect of adoption culture. They didn’t ask to be saved and in fact don’t like being raised separately from their culture of origin. This is particularly true in transracial adoptions where the child physically looks different from their adoptive parents and has to deal with racism without the benefit of guidance from others from their culture.
In many cases, birth mothers would otherwise like to raise their children but can’t due to the high cost of daycare, lack of health insurance and financial instability. If the US supported pregnant women and single mothers better, there would be fewer children available for adoption.
I understand that American Indian children can only be adopted by other American Indians due to a law passed in the 1970s. I knew someone who was transracially adopted from a Cherokee tribe into a white family just before this law was passed. I also know of people who adopted from Guatemala and later heard horrific stories about babies being taken forcibly and sold to adoption agencies. It’s unclear how widespread this was or whether this was true for their daughter.
That said, I also know of situations where the birth parents and adoptive parents went into the situation with their eyes wide open and have worked together in the best interest of the child. It is possible to adopt in a socially-responsible way and without isolating the child from their culture of origin.
The bolded is not true. My husband and I are white, and we adopted a Native American child 7 years ago. They try to place the child with someone in the tribe first, but in our case this wasn't an issue. The birth mother chose adoption and chose us, knowing we were not Native. She (and we) had many more hoops to jump through in order to finalize the adoption, including going to court to terminate her rights as opposed to just signing a form. She was not coerced in any way, and didn't even contact the agency until the day before she was induced. They had never heard from her before.
We have an open adoption, but she has chosen to not keep in touch right now. We've let her have total control in regards to updates, etc. Our adoption was expensive, at first, but the government offers a tax rebate that covered most of our expenses. We specifically chose an agency that wasn't religiously-based and puts the birth mom's needs first. One specific item that we were really happy with is that the agency offers the birth parents lifetime, free counseling whenever they need it.
Not for one minute do we think that we somehow 'saved' him from a life of...whatever. We get comments quite a bit on 'what a lucky boy - you saved him from growing up on a reservation' or 'his life is so much better than it would have been'. No, you dipshits - adoption is not about 'saving' anyone. We feel honored that his birth mom chose us to raise him and every day we strive to be the parents she wished for him. No one knows what his future 'would have been'. The 'saviors' and the agencies with that agenda are the ones that give the rest a bad rap.
Exactly. Apparently that's our own problem. Oh well, I shouldn't have been infertile, I guess!
I get that an adopted child isn't a consolation prize, and it's something I'm trying to figure out now - if adopting would feel exactly the same to me as having a biological child. If not, I shouldn't do it. I know that. But I also know so many people who have successfully gone through adoption and it's been a really great experience for everyone involved.
Do you mean you are wondering if you will love them the same?
For me personally, as someone who has a biological child and am in the process of adopting my nephew, they do not feel exactly the same. The LOVE I have for both of my children is the same. But adoption brings many other thoughts and emotions into play that can't and shouldn't be dismissed.
This is hard because adoption is no nuanced, I don't think it can be painted in such a broad brush. Mandating open adoptions sticks out to me as something that would be very difficult to legislate.
Literally, since I was child I've thought I'd be open to adoption. Maybe have one child of my own and then foster or foster-to-adopt older children, maybe even a sibling set. My mom currently works with an agency that works with the foster care system (she basically does home visits, she just doesn't work directly for the state - anymore).
But I'm probably dealing with the decision head-on soon. I've been going through IVF treatments. My insurance, which is very generous, runs out in August, so then it will really be time to decide if we continue with treatment out of pocket or switch to adoption, either private infant adoption or fostering. Fostering an older child feels really difficult, because I've never been a parent before and they'll be old enough to figure out if I mess up, so that's terrifying!
I guess nature vs. nurture is rolling through my head. I have no doubt I'd love any child, adopted or biological, and I would never want my adopted child to feel like they were a consolation prize. I don't feel like I NEED to be pregnant. But I think when you attempt to have your own child, you think about things in your family. My husband's family, every single one of them, is good at math. So would my child be some kind of math prodigy? Would he or she inherit the musical talent from my mom's family that seems to have skipped me? How much of that is innate - mannerisms, interests, talents - vs based on what we would provide our child? Then I feel like I'm being really selfish and it comes off as if I'm not getting a "perfect" child or something, when I don't feel that way at all. I think it's just about adjusting expectations in a way? That still sounds kind of negative. And it's not. But like I said, I'm still mulling it over.
This is all very interesting. My good friend adopted her son from South Korea two years ago. He has done well and they took time to visit him before the adoption went through. There it is interesting in that you cannot adopt the child until 18 months of age and they live in one foster home from the time of infancy to adoption. SO far he has done really well here.
I also have three adopted cousins, the one who is close to me in age has had some tough times. Definitely wishes she knew more about her birth mother, but there was a lot of damage done by the foster family who had her just before my Aunt and Uncle adopted her. They had children of their own and kept telling her they were going to adopt her. Well, the wife got pregnant and my cousin was turned back into the system. She was 4. THe dad would also do things like have her watch scary/horror movies and then would hide behind things days later to scare her.
My friend is in this loop. She's got a 5 year plan to adopt given infertility issues, but she's in her mid-30's so by the time she saves enough (both her and her husband work good jobs) she'll be "way too old" to adopt according to the agencies. She said that $30K or more is the minimum to discuss adoption. Never mind all the money you need to keep the baby alive once they're in your home. In that sense in breaks my heart how many people who would be amazing parents but face infertility can't adopt. I wasn't aware of a lot of the issues brought up here, that's a lot worse.
WTF is this nonsense?
very true nonsense ... my cousin was 44 when she adopted her dd from Pakistan. Then h wondered why they didn't adopted domestically - I had to explain to him that very few US agencies would be willing to place an infant with a married couple in their 40's.
very true nonsense ... my cousin was 44 when she adopted her dd from Pakistan. Then h wondered why they didn't adopted domestically - I had to explain to him that very few US agencies would be willing to place an infant with a married couple in their 40's.
very true nonsense ... my cousin was 44 when she adopted her dd from Pakistan. Then h wondered why they didn't adopted domestically - I had to explain to him that very few US agencies would be willing to place an infant with a married couple in their 40's.
There is some stuff in this post that is inaccurate.
My h and I are looking into adoption. He is in his 40s and I am late 30s. A lot of agencies have a cut off of 50.
Earlier there was mention that the high cost doesn't go to help the birth mothers. In every agency we looked at, that was a majority cost. Housing, medical, food, clothing, and counseling were all included in each agency we have explored.
Adoption is so complex. There is loss on many sides, for us there is a lot of fear of coercion and ethics (ethics is rarely black and white but shades of grey) as well as honestly risk to the potential parents as well. The hardest thing is understanding that suddenly you are going into an industry of children and reconciling that. 😞
I'm an adoption counselor, and completely agree with "complex" label. I landed this job right out of grad school, and had almost no experience with adoption prior taking the job. After seven years in the field, I often reflect on how lucky I am to have landed at an ethical agency in a strict, pro-birth parent state, because there is definitely a "shady underbelly" to the adoption world. More than half the women we work with chose to parent, and our philosophy is that we are NOT in the business of taking children from people who want to parent. If a woman comes to us and after counseling decides to parent, we do everything we can to set her up with resources to help her succeed. I know MANY agencies out there do not take that approach, and I get super pissed hearing experiences of birth mothers who were coerced or pressured into placing.
ETA: OR! Who were dropped the minute they decided to parent. We promise to support them in their decision, but then stop that support the minute they choose something besides placing? Bullshit.
There is so much in this post that highlights the complexities of adoption and how as a society we still don’t value the agency of women, so much of the savior complex and pro-life movement -saving children- is how we get to this complex system that doesn’t work for children, birth families, or those wanting to adopt, and the inability to acknowledge these complexities and that one path doesn’t fit all or is even best for all makes it so difficult to fix the system.
I am an adopted child from the 1970s era of closed adoptions. I don’t know anything about my birth mother/family other than what is in the pretty scant adoption file. I also have no desire to find out more. I honestly feel nothing but gratitude for the family I have and have always felt that way. I’ve also known I was adopted sincebegore I understood what the word meant and that if I EVER wanted to find out more about my birth family that my parents would help and support me every step of the way. My little sister is my parents' biological child and while we dealt with jealousy and sibling rivalry growing up that did not stem from how we entered the family. (I'd say it stemmed from her being "perfect" and sneaky and the baby. She’d say it’s because I was bossy, sneaky, and the oldest. But, what does she know - I wasn’t bossy, I was right, so there)
That said, I know being adopted shaped me in ways that aren’t as tangible as feeling accepted. The book on the first page "Primal Wound" and its follow up '"Coming Home to Self" we’re very interesting reads. I don’t necessarily agree with the author 100% as she is pretty adamant that everyone should find their biological families, and while I get how she got there I just don’t think everyone NEEDS to do that, but I think the information was really good and recommend the first one to adoptive and adopting parents when I’m asked.