How to say you want a divorce?

[gelsey]

Lurker here. I hope it’s okay my first post is asking for some advice!!

I have spent the last few months struggling with my marriage and yesterday decided I was done. MH was out of town but after consulting with my friends I decided it was in my best interest to text him, because often when we are together he ends up totally missing the point of what I’m saying and gaslighting me.

Today he came home and when I got home from work he asked to talk and said he wanted to keep trying. We’ve been around this block, I know how this works. I want off the merry go round. But yet whenever he’s physically in front of me I can’t actually say those words “I want a divorce” - and I can’t figure out why, to the point where it’s frustrating me.

Any advice?

[freezorburn]

Can you seek help from a couples counselor or family counselor? Can be helpful, particularly if there are children involved.

The point of counseling isn't necessarily to save the relationship, but to clarify for each party, what is next and why. A good counselor will help facilitate accountability in your communications. He won't get to gaslight you. And he will have to acknowledge that he hears what you are saying. They can also help to minimize or de-escalate conflict during the divorce process. 

We worked with a collaborative divorce coach who was also a LMHC who had extensive experience in family counseling, substance abuse, DV, and other high conflict situations. We brought him into our process after my ex blindsided me with his affair and wanting a divorce. For us it was well worth it to have this person as part of our divorce team.

[gelsey]

We can absolutely go to counseling. Its something we have been talking about doing. Though he wants to do it to save us.

My gut reaction is that that process will take too long though. I want out now. Why cant I follow through.

Luckily there are no children involved. Our only shared asset is our house.

I just feel so weak when it comes to holding strong with him. But you are right on thaf a counslor would help with that. I am in my own individual therapy and i always feel like I have a game plan in there. But then MH and i are in the same room discussing all of this and I crumble.

[mysterons]

I think it's understandable that you don't want to tell your husband you want a divorce. It's a tough thing to tell your spouse and it's going to change your life. I agree with the previous poster that you could go to couple's counseling in order to help you two amicably split up. Another option would be to spend some sessions with your individual therapist exploring why you can't seem to get the words out. Maybe you could journal about it or write your husband a letter (that you don't have to send) just to articulate your feelings and reasons so you're prepared once you do tell him. Best of luck.

[kanga1]

When I went to couple's counseling the counselor said she has had some people come to counseling strictly to tell their spouse that they want a divorce. So maybe counseling is the way to go but give the counselor a heads up that you want to tell your H you want a divorce and the counselor can help the two of you process things

[freezorburn]

About the counseling process, and how long it takes, if you decide to go that route. I'm a big believer in that it's better to get something done right than to get it done fast. I know you are struggling and I hear you saying you are in pain and want it to stop. Try to look at the big picture and think about how you want to feel in the future, about how you went about this when it is all behind you. How can you go about asking for a divorce in a way that gives you peace in the future? So that you are not second guessing yourself when you look back. And I'm not talking about the fact that you asked for divorce, but how you went about it. There are no easy answers to this, and the right answer for you is as unique as your situation.

[gelsey]

Thanks guys for the idea. It's honestly not something I had considered, since I'm hurting now and just want to not be hurting anymore and move on. freezorburn, you make some really really good points, so I'll suggest we set up an appointment with a counselor. and in the meantime I'll keep thinking about myself. I've been reaching out to friends who have been through this and also reading books to try to help myself through this and be knowledgeable and smart about it (To bad to stay, Too good to leave was the book that sealed it for me. Also reading Attached as a recc from a friend.) If you all have any other resources you recommend, definitely let me know! Thank you again.

[pinkdutchtulips]

late to the party ... i told now xh over the phone we were divorcing. there was no discussion, i was DONE. we had been separated for 9 months at that point.