I'm a lurker here, but decided to post because I am so frustrated right now and could use your input. Would this bother you?
I have raised my niece at different points in time. She is currently 17 and a senior in high school. I pay for her cell phone, braces, car, ACT tests, and will be responsible for her college. This is all because her mom is not in the picture and her father (my brother) doesn't ever step up to the plate.
My cousin (and best friend) lives in the same small town as my niece. She knows all of the background, and knows that I typically act in a parental role to my niece. She recently called me to ask if I thought my niece could house sit for her, by herself, for a week while my cousin is on vacation. I explained that I thought that was a bad idea, that my niece is too young to house sit alone, and that it is just asking for trouble.
Today, my cousin texted me and asked for my niece's number. I asked her if this was about the house-sitting. She replied that it was, and that she doesn't have anyone else to do it, so she is going to ask neice's dad if it is o.k. My cousin knows that my niece's dad is extremely permissive and will say yes.
I feel like it was wrong of her to go "over my head" in this instance. Not only is the situation irresponsible under the circumstances (some of which I haven't gotten in to), but it is just disrespectful to me. Am I being overly sensitive here?
Post by shopgirl07 on Sept 18, 2012 19:37:38 GMT -5
No, I don't think you're being sensitive. A 17 year old housesitting alone for a week is a recipe for disaster. What is so important that she needs someone to be at her house while she's away?
There isn't really any need for a house sitter. She says she needs one because she wants her dog to stay "on schedule." Others have offered to come by and take care of the pets, but she wants someone to stay there. Also, this is homecoming weekend in the small town!
Post by dexteroni on Sept 18, 2012 19:39:30 GMT -5
I can't really comment as I've never been in a situation that was remotely similar. But if you didn't want your cousin to call your brother, I hope you declined to give her his number.
There isn't really any need for a house sitter. She says she needs one because she wants her dog to stay "on schedule." Others have offered to come by and take care of the pets, but she wants someone to stay there. Also, this is homecoming weekend in the small town!
Well I wouldn't want my dog to be home alone so it does make sense that she needs someone. But that someone should not be your niece.
There isn't really any need for a house sitter. She says she needs one because she wants her dog to stay "on schedule." Others have offered to come by and take care of the pets, but she wants someone to stay there. Also, this is homecoming weekend in the small town!
Well I wouldn't want my dog to be home alone so it does make sense that she needs someone. But that someone should not be your niece.
I agree. I wouldn't want my dogs left alone either. I only mentioned the other option because this is a very small town, and there are family members who offered to come by and sit with the dog for a couple of hours a day and let them our a couple times a day. It isn't what I would do, but it is more responsible than having a 17 year old girl alone in a house for a week, during the school year, on homecoming weekend.
Post by stingsharkruns on Sept 18, 2012 19:52:39 GMT -5
I just let a 17yr old house sit for 9 days. My dogs survived, and my house was in one piece. The girl did have a friend stay over with her.
However, you did say No, so I think it is wrong to go over your head when you pretty much the guardian of the girl. . Or are you? Does she live w/ you?
A week IS a long time, but in a few months, she's going to college presumably ... And if it's as small a town as you say, won't people find our about any mischief ?
On the other hand your friend should respect your wishes....
Post by GailGoldie on Sept 18, 2012 19:57:35 GMT -5
I'd be annoyed, yes.... but I spent time at home alone at 17, taking care of my family pets... so I don't think it's such a horrible thing.
doesn't matter that you pay for all that stuff for your niece though - what matters is that she asked your opinion and didn't seem to care about the answer.
I just let a 17yr old house sit for 9 days. My dogs survived, and my house was in one piece. The girl did have a friend stay over with her.
However, you did say No, so I think it is wrong to go over your head when you pretty much the guardian of the girl. . Or are you? Does she live w/ you?
No, I am not the legal guardian. It is a very complicated situation. She doesn't live with me now (she used to split her time between my mom's house and my house, but I had to move away for grad school so she moved in with her dad).
I'm not sure I'm being clear about why I am upset - it's not because I don't think her dad has the legal authority here. It is that my cousin knows my niece's home situation, knows my role (which is too complicated to fully explain here), and chose to ignore my views on it. Surely she could have come up with someone else to watch her house.
I'm glad your house-sitting situation went well. I understand others may have different views about what age is appropriate for this sort of thing. I just think 17 is too young, under these circumstances.
doesn't matter that you pay for all that stuff for your niece though - what matters is that she asked your opinion and didn't seem to care about the answer.
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I only mentioned those things to help explain my role in niece's life. It's not just monetary. I am the one at the school events, talking out issues, etc.
You are right, though, my issues is that she didn't seem to care. The fact she called me, and not my niece's father, to originally ask permission shows that she understands the dynamic. She just chose to disregard it when the answer didn't fit her needs.
A week IS a long time, but in a few months, she's going to college presumably ... And if it's as small a town as you say, won't people find our about any mischief ?
I was torn at first for the same reasons. That's why I posted here. But the opposite is actually true of a small town (or this small town). Kids tend to get word that someone's parents are out of town, etc. and all heck breaks loose. There isn't a lot of oversight involved.
Again, I am most frustrated that my cousin disregarded my opinion.
Post by drloretta on Sept 18, 2012 20:10:40 GMT -5
Honestly, I wouldn't be that upset. Your cousin chose to do this, she gets to deal with the consequences. I'd figure I'd said my piece and she could make this decision, horrible as it *might* be.
Is there any way you could swing by the house to make sure your niece is OK?
Post by thatgirl2478 on Sept 18, 2012 20:11:08 GMT -5
I think I'd be annoyed that she went against my opinion.
However, I agree with the others that it assuming the 17yr old is trustworthy, I wouldn't have a problem letting her stay at my house to watch the dog etc. Especially if the 17 yr old in question was responsible and a family member.
I didn't say anything to my cousin, and I don't plan on it. I'm not interested in family drama. However, I just can't come up with an excuse for her doing this after I said no. Shouldn't she have just found someone else or made arrangement for the dog?
It ultimately doesn't matter whether it is o.k. to have a 17 year watch the house, it matters that I said it wasn't o.k. for this 17 year old to watch this house. Although I'm not the legal guardian, she understands that I am typically involved in these sorts of decisions - hence the original phone call.
I would be annoyed that she asked your opinion than disregared your response.
However, I also thing you are being a little over zealous by trying to set rules for your neice who doesn't even live with you. It isn't your house or your child so it's really none of your business, regardless of your relationship with your neice. If she does something wrong, it is your cousin on the hook and your brother that will be responsibe for disiplining her.
I would be annoyed that she asked your opinion than disregared your response.
However, I also thing you are being a little over zealous by trying to set rules for your neice who doesn't even live with you. It isn't your house or your child so it's really none of your business, regardless of your relationship with your neice. If she does something wrong, it is your cousin on the hook and your brother that will be responsibe for disiplining her.
I understand your response, but I have to say it is really overly simplistic. Unless you have been in these circumstances, it is very difficult to understand. I really don't want to get in to a more detailed background here, but suffice it to say, things aren't always that black and white.
My opinion might be unpopular, but since you aren't her legal guardian, I don't think you have a reason to be upset over this. If you really wanted to have the authority of a parent or have others feel that they need your permission for things like this, then you should have sought guardianship of the child. I don't think it's fair to expect people to treat you like you are the child's parent or guardian when you are not.
If this person was just your personal friend and didn't have a relationship with the child or her dad, I would think that it is rude of her to go over your head. However, the child's dad is the friend's cousin. Plus, he is the one who gets to make the decisions, whether you like them or not. If you really don't like his parenting decisions, again, you should have sought guardianship.
I also don't think it's a big deal to have a 17 year old housesit unless she has a tendency to get in trouble or make irresponsible choices.
My opinion might be unpopular, but since you aren't her legal guardian, I don't think you have a reason to be upset over this. If you really wanted to have the authority of a parent or have others feel that they need your permission for things like this, then you should have sought guardianship of the child. I don't think it's fair to expect people to treat you like you are the child's parent or guardian when you are not.
Again, I certainly understand and respect this position. In fact, if I weren't in my own shoes, I would probably hold the same one. But as I said before, these things just aren't that clean cut.
For what it is worth, when I talk to my brother, he will likely listen to my opinion. - this isn't about he and I disagreeing. Although his inclination would be to say it's o.k., he will likely respect my opinion if different - we have been doing things this way her whole life. I'm just sad that my cousin made this an issue when it could have been avoided.
However, I just can't come up with an excuse for her doing this after I said no. Shouldn't she have just found someone else or made arrangement for the dog?
It ultimately doesn't matter whether it is o.k. to have a 17 year watch the house, it matters that I said it wasn't o.k. for this 17 year old to watch this house. Although I'm not the legal guardian, she understands that I am typically involved in these sorts of decisions - hence the original phone call.
Huh? This is bizarre to me - and trust me, I get complicated family relationships and am intimately familiar with parents who don't step up to the plate to take care of their kids. The thing is, this is common and there is a process (in fact, a number of different options) in these situations for family members or even just community members to do something about it if the parent doesn't properly parenting. Either you seek guardianship or a judge didn't find that the father shouldn't be making decisions for the child. No matter what the history, he's the one who gets to make the decisions and you have no authority to do so. I think it's weird to expect someone to defer to your judgment - especially when the child doesn't even live with you.
ETA: I just read your above post that your brother will likely listen to your opinion anyway, making this all a non-issue.
Post by dexteroni on Sept 18, 2012 20:43:18 GMT -5
OP, this is how your post is reading to me:
You: "Would this bother you if you were in my situation?" Some people: "No." You: "You're not in my situation! It's impossible for you to understand!"
I'm not really sure what you were seeking here other than validation that your opinion is the only correct one. That's what's upsetting you about your cousin - she didn't agree that your opinion was right, and you're overly offended. I hate to say it, but this issue sounds more like it's about your ego than about your niece or your cousin or your brother. You even said your brother will agree with you, so there's not really a chance your niece will be in harm's way. So it's really just about you.
However, I just can't come up with an excuse for her doing this after I said no. Shouldn't she have just found someone else or made arrangement for the dog?
It ultimately doesn't matter whether it is o.k. to have a 17 year watch the house, it matters that I said it wasn't o.k. for this 17 year old to watch this house. Although I'm not the legal guardian, she understands that I am typically involved in these sorts of decisions - hence the original phone call.
Huh? This is bizarre to me - and trust me, I get complicated family relationships and am intimately familiar with parents who don't step up to the plate to take care of their kids. The thing is, this is common and there is a process (in fact, a number of different options) in these situations for family members or even just community members to do something about it if the parent doesn't properly parenting. Either you seek guardianship or a judge didn't find that the father shouldn't be making decisions for the child. No matter what the history, he's the one who gets to make the decisions and you have no authority to do so. I think it's weird to expect someone to defer to your judgment - especially when the child doesn't even live with you.
This isn't about my brother and I disagreeing (see above). Children can have more than one person in their life looking out for them. I never asked her to over-rule my brother's decision (one hadn't been made yet). I simply asked her to find someone else because it wasn't a good idea (an opinion she solicited from me). She decided to do it anyway. That has nothing to do with parental rights or guardianship.
You: "Would this bother you if you were in my situation?" Some people: "No." You: "You're not in my situation! It's impossible for you to understand!"
I'm not really sure what you were seeking here other than validation that your opinion is the only correct one. That's what's upsetting you about your cousin - she didn't agree that your opinion was right, and you're overly offended. I hate to say it, but this issue sounds more like it's about your ego than about your niece or your cousin or your brother. You even said your brother will agree with you, so there's not really a chance your niece will be in harm's way. So it's really just about you.
Fair enough. I can see how it reads that way, but that really isn't the source of my frustration. I didn't mean to say it is impossible for people to understand, just that it isn't so easy as "just getting guardianship." Anyway, I appreciate the feedback.