My brother is staying with us for Thanksgiving and he is a terrible house guest. He is an immature 18 year old. Has the teenage arrogance and is oblivious to everyone else.
I don't know how to talk to him about this. He is only 2 years older than my step kids and I don't think I should treat him like my kids.
My H is willing to say something, but I don't think it is his responsibility.
Should I say something to him or wait until my mom is here tomorrow and have her talk to him?
I would treat him like you treat your kids if he’s that close in age to them. Maybe frame it as “we don’t allow x and we require y in this house, and it’s important that our boys see you model that behavior.” And totally tell your mom too.
Post by supertrooper1 on Nov 22, 2018 0:13:47 GMT -5
Treat him like the immature kid that he is and tell him exactly what needs to change. It's not parenting from you, it's acting like a bossy big sister, which it sounds like he needs.
ETA: bossy big sister probably isn't necessarily it either. More like a role model.
I wouldn’t necessarily “talk” to him - it won’t work. But as he does or doesn’t do stuff that you expect of others, call him out every time.
Actually, the one “talk” i would have is that if he gives me attitude or gets pissy about being told what to do, i might say “want to be treated like an adult? Then act like one. Certain behaviors are expected in this house. Contribute like an adult, you’ll be treated like one”.
My parents and older sister are terrible house guests. I’ve tried many things to make their visits more enjoyable for me. Nothing really works.
When I asked my sister (who was staying at a hotel while her young children stayed at my house) when she’d be back in the morning to get them ready for Easter mass (it was an Easter visit), it caused WWIII. My sister, mother and father all accused me of asking “inappropriate” questions.
The thing was, she had no intention of coming back in the morning and dealing with the hassle of getting two little kids ready for church. She was perfectly happy dumping that job on my parents and me. So, she was mad at ME for shining a light on her nonsense. My parents had their own dysfunctional reasons for being mad at me.
So, the thing is, I limit their visits and lower my expectations. In fairness, my parents are MUCH better. But mostly because nowadays it’s just the two of them and they have chilled out. And I have adusted my expectations at what to expect - and let a LOT go.
If your brother wants to be a dick, he’s going to be a dick. There isn’t much you or your husband can say to change him. He has to want to change himself. You can tell him how he makes you feel. That’s honest and part of a healthy, adult relationship, but it won’t change how he acts or what he does. At least, not in my experience.
You didn’t really give specifics so it’s hard to answer specifically. In general I would tell him what things are specifically expected (laundry goes here, take your dishes to the sink when done, etc), and ignore his “bad attitude”; at 18, that’s on him.
Specifically, doesn't leave his room until after noon, makes messes and doesn't clean them up. (Spilling syrup on the floor, leaving the bathroom floor soaking wet) Takes 30-45 min showers and uses all the hot water. (We have talked to him about this one) I will make dinner and instead of coming down to eat he skips dinner and then eats the snacks we have in the house.
I think part of it is that we are not close and we are awkward around each other.
I think we are just going to address individual issues as they come up and maybe slowly he will pick up on it.
Specifically, doesn't leave his room until after noon, makes messes and doesn't clean them up. (Spilling syrup on the floor, leaving the bathroom floor soaking wet) Takes 30-45 min showers and uses all the hot water. (We have talked to him about this one) I will make dinner and instead of coming down to eat he skips dinner and then eats the snacks we have in the house.
I think part of it is that we are not close and we are awkward around each other.
I think we are just going to address individual issues as they come up and maybe slowly he will pick up on it.
that’s a good approach. And with the shower? Don’t talk to him. 10 mins in, knock on the door and tell him to finish up. OR tell him he has to wait until everyone else is done.
Sounds like my 25 year old sister. Drives me and my brother nuts but we are at the family home so I leave it up to my parents to deal with. She is great at getting out of helping and only thinking about herself.