How helpful are the grandparents?

[mccallister84]

Neither set is local.

My mom is great with babies - just wants to snuggle them all day long. She’s also good with special events and playing baby dolls. Otherwise she’s not as engaging on the day to day things. My MIL will play with the girls all day long, no matter what mind numbing activities they want to get up to (I really admire my MIL here as I’m over some activities in like half a second). My FIL wants to be entertained constantly so he’s pretty useless. Like he’ll push them on the swing for 30 seconds and then try his best to convince them to come inside. My dad is great with outdoor stuff - playgrounds, walks, swings, chase, etc.

Both my MIL and mom will cook. My MIL will straighten up but I think she’s afraid of intruding too much in our space. My mom tends to leave a bigger mess than when she started but she’ll do laundry. My dad won’t crwate more work for us but isn’t particularly domestic. My FIL.... well when they came out after I had the baby and MIL was making meatballs to freeze for us, he was eating them. When they were going to grill for H’s birthday and it was raining, he made H grill. You get the picture.

[flygirl]

My parents are not involved at all. MIL has 12 grandkids and is/was sort of over little kids when DS was born (he’s the youngest)-he’s 25 yrs younger than the oldest grandchild. She would never offer to watch DS.

[whitemerlot]

My parents live 20 minutes away. My mother comes over every 3 months and drinks coffee and interacts with my kids a little bit. My kids have never been to her house because it’s so messy, it’s a safety issue. My dad comes over for Christmas and usually one other time in a year.

My FIL just died but my in-laws were more involved. We get together every few weeks. They have always played with my kids and will babysit. They don’t cook, other than putting in a frozen pizza or papa Murphy’s but will put their dishes in the dishwasher.

[hamster]

To answer my own post...

MIL is very hands on. When she is around C, she's on charge of him. She asks to keep him overnight at her house, and we've been comfortable doing so he was 5 months old I believe. She will be crucial when #2 arrives.

My dad wants to be helpful but isn't. He doesn't really know what to do with C, so I frustratingly put them both in front of Daniel Tiger this afternoon. He offers to help with house stuff, but he has a bad heart and a bad back so I really can't send him to go get a wheelbarrow full of firewood. Or if he volunteers to clean the bathroom, he wants to clean the actual tank of the toilet. Like, what? Look around! How is that even remotely on the top 1000 things that need done? He says he wants to come more than his EO week once #2 comes, but he's really just a schedule disrupter.

My mom is complicated. She hasn't sought out much of a relationship, which is good, because I wouldn't allow it anyway. But she also has no idea how to interact with C. She's also crazy and has a history of pill addiction, so she can never be alone with him anyhow. Meanwhile when I told her I was pregnant her exact words were "Keep trying for a girl. I'm so excited for us." WTF.

[mrssandro]

MIL is very hands on. She also takes care of my SN daughter on a daily. She is very involved with her OT/PT/ST and basically is skilled on many levels on how to care for her. A big part of our village and very supportive of me to. She now has a new granddaughter from my BIL and also does watch her a few a few times a week. Very loving and caring with out being judgmental. FIL is also pretty amazing and really loves is grandkids. They have a room dedicated to the grandkids with bunkbeds and a play area.

My mom sees the girls a few times a year. She will take DD#1 for weeks at a time. She doesn't do well with with DD#2 since she is SN and thinks she is a fragile flower. It's been one of the reasons we can't be close.

My dad has not visited me at all. Maybe once a year I go to see my Aunt and may see him as well. But he has not seen SN daughter since she was a infant. So 4 years. They do have a savings account set up for their college so that is nice.

[osulori]

My parents are amazing. They're there whenever we need them, including last minute child care, and are amazing with AJ.  My mom will straighten up at our house if I ask her to, but when I was freshly postpartum she'd jump in and do whatever needed to be done before I realized I needed it done.  Dad is more than happy to help out with house related stuff, and is a mix of needing me to ask and saying "hey I noticed XYZ, do you guys care if I come over on my day off and take care of that?".  He knows J is 1. not especially handy and 2. usually exhausted on his days off.  He will do what needs done but it's like pulling teeth, whereas my dad is like "a fart in a windstorm" (per my mom)...he always needs something to do, and if he runs out of stuff to do at their house he starts in on my house and my sister's house

MIL passed away when I was pregnant with AJ. I think she'd have been a great grandma, but more of the "spoil them rotten, never say no, and don't give many boundaries" type. She was so damn excited to be a grandma, but knowing how little boundaries she put on her dogs I'm pretty sure the same would have been the case (if not worse) with her beloved first grandbaby.

FIL is...fine. He's never been super hands on, and didn't really know what to do with AJ for more than a couple minutes when he was a baby and young toddler. Now that's AJ is older, active, and plays sports FIL is considerably more comfortable with him but even then he doesn't always take into consideration how things have to be tweaked with a kid in tow (what time we eat dinner, how long we linger after dinner, etc.) I would absolutely trust FIL to babysit now, but when he was a baby not so much. Not because I don't trust him to keep my kid safe but because I know he wouldn't really know what to do and would be internally flipping out the whole time. Plus his wife at the time was/is a raging alcoholic so there's that. Things may be different with 2.0 because his roommate/maybe girlfriend/long time family friend is amazing and would have zero issue watching a baby.  He is NOT a handy person in the least and is not one to help out with stuff at the house until explicitly asked (and even then it would depend on the task).

[cabbagecabbage]

My mom: 3 hours away. Very hands-on when she visits. Babysits (although we have to ask. She always casually says she'll watch the kids and give us a night out but unless we suggest a time and remind her, she doesn't follow through). She reads to them for hours and spools them.

My dad: 45 minutes away. Has never babysat, never offered. He doesn't suggest visits or make any effort to see them.

My MIL: across the country. Visits once or twice a year and is quite hands-on when shes here. She always plans an excursion with DD to see a movie and get dinner.

I am painfully jealous of people with family help but my kids have two loving grandmas and so we are lucky there.

[goldengirlz]

We live a plane ride away from both sets of grandparents so we don’t get any day-to-day help. And it’s pretty rare for them to come out to us to babysit. Like when we had a wedding last year in our state, we had to fly DD halfway across the counry to drop her off with my ILs and then fly BACK home for the wedding and then fly BACK to pick her up just so we could have a kid-free weekend.

It annoys me because H’s parents are relatively young, well-off, retired and healthy — not to mention that DD is the ONLY grandchild on his side and likely always will be — and they only come to visit when it suits them, never to help.

My parents at least have the excuse of being farther away, still working, not healthy and not particularly well-off. However, my mom recently watched DD for a week while H and I were out of the country (we dropped DD off and flew through that airport) so she is certainly helpful when she can be. My sister, who lives closer, gets a lot more help.

I trust both sets of parents completely though and they’re great with DD (especially my mom. MIL seems to have forgotten what it’s like to have young kids.)

[Blue Moon]

My in-laws live locally and they’re very helpful. My FIL is very handy and has helped H do a ton of stuff around our house, including redoing our bathrooms, building our massive fence, HVAC stuff, and a lot of little handy man type things. He also will help out with things like waiting at our house for a repairman so H and I don’t have to take off work, or will watch the kids in a pinch for a quick errand. He takes my 4 year old on occasion to the park and will meet the kids and I at the park often when we’re all home in the summer. He would happily do more with my kids but the two together are a lot to manage at this stage (almost 2 and 4) and he’s in his mid 70s so I worry it’s too much to ask of him.

My MIL is also amazing. She is 11 years younger than FIL and still works full time so she’s not as available as he is, but she does a lot for us/the kids too. Her biggest help is offering to take the kids on occasion for an overnight so H and I have a night off. She also often feeds us all and entertains the kids while we visit on Saturday or Sunday, keeps toys snacks and foods the kids prefer on hand, and often buys thoughtful “just because” gifts for everyone. For instance, she dropped off a new mixing bowl for me the other day after I admired hers. She’s super thoughtful! Sometimes she’s a little much for me- wanting to spend TOO much time as a family and wanting to plan too many events with the whole extended family but that’s easy for me to overlook. MIL and FIL have 6 kids local-ish and now that everyone but one is married with young kids they are always bouncing around helping us all.

My parents live 2 hours away. We see them usually once a month for an overnight visit, alternating who travels. They are doting grandparents, my kids are they’re only grandkids, and they pride themselves on spoiling them. My mom’s love language is 100% gifts. We can’t leave a visit with them without the kids getting gifts and/or special treats. We speak to them on FaceTime almost daily and despite the distance, my kids are surprisingly close to them. My mom frequently laments the fact that tbey don’t live closer because she wants to do the things she sees my MIL doing for us. I think there’s a little bit of jealousy because we live in H’s hometown. My mom is off in the summer like me, so during the summer we aim to see each other once a week and we do a lot of fun day trips together with the kids. My parents have watched the kids overnight a couple of times when H and I have gone out with my hometown friends or attended weddings in their part of the state. The biggest is that they volunteered to watch our kids this summer so H and I can go to Mexico for our anniversary.

My dad loves playing and snuggling the kids, but I seriously doubt if he’s survive any amount of time alone with them without my mom. He has no concept how to change a diaper and no have no idea how to get them asleep etc. But he adores them and they adore him.

[tacom]

My mom stayed with me when I was 2-4 weeks post partum and recovering from an unplanned cesarean. She cooked one meal, otherwise I did it all - childcare, cooking and cleaning (my husband was in Europe for work). I started looking for an earlier flight for her to leave on day 3 but allowed her to stay to bond with her grandson, since she had used all her PTO for the year.

My dad visited for a few days when my son was a week old. He ignored all my requests for timing (no, don’t come over during his fucking witching hour). And he didn’t pick up on my hints to bring me food... but otherwise he stayed in a hotel and out of my hair. He seemed afraid to hurt the baby so only held him briefly and while seated which meant I had to bring him to him / get him from him.

My in laws visited for a long weekend when he was about 5 weeks old. MIL was good at soothing my colicky baby but didn’t handle diaper changes or anything like that. She pitched in equally for housework (if I cooked, she cleaned).

So a mixed bag. No idea how they’ll do with an older baby / toddler one day.

[boiler717]

My parents are 💯. So far this week they have:
- played with him for 3 hours Saturday at our house while my husband and I worked on projects
- dropped everything Sunday night at the last min to come over to entertain my son for 2 hours and feed him dinner because we had a mini-emergency at home
- picked my son up from school 3 times (out of 3 days)
- took my son once to school
- fed him lunch 2x and dinner once
- took my son to swim lessons
- watched my son for another 6 hours while we were working (total of 11 child care hours in 5 days)
This is an abnormal week. Normally in a given week they do 2 drop-offs, 2 pick-ups (usually involving lunch since he’s half day), take to swim lesson 50% of the time, see him to play/watch 4ish hours a week, and keep my son overnight (usually around 20 hours) 1-2x a month. They are awesome. We pay for their home to be cleaning biweekly in exchange for the help they give us. My mom works FT and my dad is retired. My dad does most of the child care hours and pick up and my mom helps with drop off.

[lillaguma]

Neither set of grandparents live local to us, both are about a 5 hour plane ride (they live in the same town).

My parents are much younger than my ILs, and much more active so I think it's a little unfair to compare them. Maybe. My parents are great. When we go visit them my mom wants to plan outings to the zoo, aquarium, aviary, etc. She likes to play games with DD. My dad always wants us to come visit him at work, and then go out to lunch or things like that. My dad came and visited us for a week last fall and he and DD did so much together, I had to work a few days of his trip and he took her bowling, to the arcade, McDonalds, out on walks, we all went to a farm together - we did a ton and DD looooved it.

ILs are different. It actually drives me nuts. Because they are in the same town as my parents it is always a battle over who we will stay with when we go visit, and since it is usually just DD and I (with no DH) we usually just stay at my parents, but this last time we split the trip evenly. I hate staying at my ILs. We do not leave the house. They have some toys for the grandkids, including a play kitchen they purchased especially for DD, and they sort of just expect her to play with all of that by herself, or want to turn on a show for her. Then they want us to sit and play cribbage with them. I feel like I am always trying to push to get us to do some sort of interactive activity all together, because I think that would really help DD's relationship with them (she tends to be a little wary) but it is like pulling teeth. I suggested we play a kids game because she loves playing games, and MIL looked at me blankly and said they didn't have any. I brought some over from my parents house and it ended up just being me sitting there playing with DD, until one day my mom came over and started playing and suddenly MIL wanted to play (she gets competitive over grandma stuff). But I really wish they would just interact with her more.

I should clarify that we don't even need to be going and doing the whole time, because I get that ILs have a harder time with that (FIL especially has a rougher time health-wise). I just wish they would play a game with her, or sit and "do art" with her like she loves, or something like that. I think part of it may be that my nephews live local to them, are about the same age (DD is right between them) and they are crazy and never sit still for anything, so I think they just assume DD will be that way when she comes. This comes out in other things too - neither of my nephews can speak very well and MIL always wants to talk on the phone or video chat with DD, but then doesn't actually listen to her at all, and DD is very articulate. It drives me crazy, but I think she just assumes she won't be able to understand her and doesn't bother trying.

[gt7301b]

My mom is a plane flight away, but we see my see her every two months or so. She will help around the house, but she really LOVES playing with DS. She will do whatever we ask her to do, but she is happiest in his play room playing with him. She was a 1-3rd grade teacher and is super with DS. She will also keep DS overnight if we ask.

We don't see my step-father as much as my mom cause he travels a lot for work. When he does visit he is very engaged with DS. He will also help with whatever projects we have around the house.Both of my parents enjoy doing things outdoors with DS and helping him run out his energy.

My ILs mean well, but they are particular about everything and stress me out when they visit. When they visited after DS was born they helped with a lot of home projects, but each one came with 30 questions and required extra work on our part. They will watch DS so we can go on a date when we visit.

DH's Aunt used to stay with us once a month and was one of DS's favorite babysitters. I am so sad that she moved away and we don't get to see her as much anymore.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Considering that they live in WA state and MI and I’m in CA I’m lucky if I see them once a year. I send dd to my mom’s in WA for a long weekend once a year and this year my dad in MI is taking her for a week *happy dance* but other than that not much help.

Before my mom moved to WA she would stop by once a week.

[aprilsails]

All three sets of parents live very close by (12-20 minute drives). None of them help with cleaning my house but they did bring food after DD was born so that was nice. We mostly go to them though, our house is too small and messy to entertain often.

My Mom and Stepdad are the most involved. They see her weekly and my Mom will take her on field trips some days from daycare. They also take her overnight every other month and will take her for a weekend at the cottage a couple of times in the summer.

My Dad and Stepmom are also great with DD (stepmom runs a home daycare). They don’t see her as often though because they both work full time still and are more socially busy. They also provide a lot of care for my nephews too. DD loves going to their house because of all the toys and other kids around!

ILs live closest and will watch DD occasionally. They’ve put together a toy chest for her and will watch her for a couple of hours every other month. They are older and have more health issues so we don’t like to push them. They took her overnight once this fall now that she can get in and out of bed herself. They are super strict though and MIL is constantly telling DD what to do and how to do it and DD really doesn’t like visiting them right now. MIL is super honest that she dislikes toddlers and babies. To be honest, they are better with her than I expected.

[redheadbaker]

My parents are helpful. My mom watches him on his days off from school, they have him sleep over about every other month so H and I can go out alone, and last summer, they even took him for a week.

H's dad and step-mom ... we only see them once a year. H is not close with his dad.

H's mom is cut out of our lives. Prior to that, we never trusted her to care for DS anyway.

[cricketwife]

My MIL lives in a the dementia unit of a nursing home across the ocean, so not helpful. But we call her weekly and she speaks to the boys by phone and loves them very much.

FIL and stepmother in law also live across the ocean. However, they wouldn’t be helpful regardless. I discovered very quickly on our first visit with DS1 that FIL loves the idea of a grandchild, but not the realities of babies/children.

My father doesn’t have a very good relationship with me, and lives far from us, but to his credit he visits one weekend every year. For that time, he is very interactive with the kids, gives them a lot of attention.

My mom and stepdad are the closest to being helpful. They are also far from us. We visit them 1-2 times/year. They are very interactive with the kids so it gives me a bit of a break. We can also leave the boys for a couple hours in the evening and go to dinner which is nice. When we visit, my mom helps with our laundry and things like that to make things easier on me. I feel like she is as helpful as her age/health and distance allow. Sometimes when I’m really struggling, I Facetime her and give the boys the iPad. So she kind of virtually babysits occasionally to give me some peace.

All of our parents are aging and wouldn’t be able to care for a baby /toddler in our absence for any stretch of time.

[pinkplasticdoll]

Lololol. Sorry helpful grandparents are funny. We receive no help at all. If we go to dinner they sit there and they talk to her while waiting for food but as soon as food comes she is ignored. We have not had a meal alone since she came along, the 1 time my mil babysat dd we came home and she hadn't fed, bathed or changed her into her pj's and that was at 830 when her bedtime was 630-7. Needless to say it's been difficult having no support despite our parents living within 35 minutes of us.

[humpforfree]

Mil is great- they are about 30m away and she will ask to come over and hang out with the kids for a few hours once or twice a month so I can go out and do whatever on my own. If we ask they are open to evening or weekend babysitting, but they vacation a lot and have events, so it’s harder to catch an opening. Also FIL, while he loves the kids and has fun playing with them, is not a kid person. It’s very obvious he’s annoyed by them in his space for too long (and MIL makes comments about how he is grumpy after awhile). If it’s an extended care situation or evening/weekend, MIL prefers to have them at her house, so I try to avoid doing that too frequently so the kids don’t bother FIL and we dont overstay that welcome. But they are always available and helpful in an emergency, etc. (mil does not help around our house- I’m guessing she’s worried about stepping on toes and honestly I’d feel weird with her doing my laundry or whatever 😂)

My parents... live 5ish hours away. They are on a lake, so we spend a decent amount of time there during the summer. They love the kids, but my mom is not helpful usually. She actually stresses me out with them. She is always trying to correct them, and just seems so anxious around them. She also really always pushes them to eat which is not my food philosophy at all (I clearly have food issues from the way I grew up). My dad loves playing with them and has a ton of fun with them, now that they are older especially. I’d be fine with sending my kids to stay with them for a week during the summer or something, maybe in a year or two when they are a tiny bit more mature. I trust my parents, just not as on board with the way my mom acts around them. Also not helpful at my house- my mom tries to but mostly gets in the way and complains about how I have stuff or whatever.

Also... when my second was born I strongly hinted, pretty much straight up asked, my mom to come after she was born for at least a few days. I was expecting to have a cs, and also had a 19m old. I wanted her to come and hang out and help with him bc H was having a busy time at work. Nope she knew when I was due and scheduled a trip to stay with/help her brother then instead (he is paralyzed and needs in home help when his SO needs a break. But that trip could have been at a different time...)

[jnibean]

Both my parents and my ILs live 3 hours away in our hometown. My mom runs an in home daycare, and has for as long as I can remember, so she's awesome with kids. My dad is a great dad and grandpa. He says he won't change diapers, but would in an emergency. In fact, when we were home for my sister's bridal shower last summer, I left DS with him and wouldn't you know, not only did he have to change a diaper, but it was a blowout, too! They both get down on the floor and play with DS, and don't get offended if he doesn't want to cuddle, but they're not great at sticking to DS' schedule. My parents would come visit every other weekend if we would let them (my dad works every other weekend), but they're exhausting to have visit-we constantly have to clean up after them and beg them to wash hands. Literally every time they've come here or we've gone there, DS is sick within 24 hours. We don't ask them to do any cleaning, because we'd just redo it anyway. My mom also does nothing but complain when she's not playing with DS, so we don't invite them often...

My ILs are retired, and would move here to be our daycare providers if we asked. We don't want to ask though, because I feel strongly about DS being in an environment with other kids, especially since he won't have a sibling. They do come down to watch him if our provider is unavailable, and are amazing at sticking to our schedule with DS. Like my parents, they also get down on the floor and play with DS and don't get offended at lack of cuddles. My MIL washes the dishes that she and FIL use, and washes DS's dishes, but doesn't do any other housework, which is fine with me. They are religious about their hand washing, and we just generally get along better, so their visits are less stressful, and don't usually end in illness lol.

[badgergrl]

Neither my mom nor my in-laws are any help at all with the kids.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Feb 13, 2019 16:14:11 GMT -5 konapoppy said:

My MIL has yet to meet her grandkids 🤷🏻‍♀️There would be too many political comments for me to handle without exploding.

My parents are very helpful though. My mom is totally fine with doing everything with them. My dad won’t change diapers. They spend alone time with the girls almost every week (their choice - we are at work).

Miss R was nearly
3 YEARS OLD when my dad and stepmom met her ... I feel you

[pinkdutchtulips]

Feb 13, 2019 18:07:03 GMT -5 goldengirlz said:

We live a plane ride away from both sets of grandparents so we don’t get any day-to-day help. And it’s pretty rare for them to come out to us to babysit. Like when we had a wedding last year in our state, we had to fly DD halfway across the counry to drop her off with my ILs and then fly BACK home for the wedding and then fly BACK to pick her up just so we could have a kid-free weekend.

It annoys me because H’s parents are relatively young, well-off, retired and healthy — not to mention that DD is the ONLY grandchild on his side and likely always will be — and they only come to visit when it suits them, never to help.

My parents at least have the excuse of being farther away, still working, not healthy and not particularly well-off. However, my mom recently watched DD for a week while H and I were out of the country (we dropped DD off and flew through that airport) so she is certainly helpful when she can be. My sister, who lives closer, gets a lot more help.

I trust both sets of parents completely though and they’re great with DD (especially my mom. MIL seems to have forgotten what it’s like to have young kids.)

like for solidarity only ... dd went on a plane to Seattle so J and I could have a kid free weekend in Vegas

[isabel]

My mom visits every 1-2 months and is very hands on when she is here. She'll watch them during the day and generally attend to all of their needs. She basically plays with them non-stop when she is here, which is great because it means I can sit my ass on the couch (which I do anyway...) without them bothering me.

MIL is local and probably sees them once a week or maybe every other week. She occasionally picks them up from daycare on a Friday, sometimes keeps DS1 at her house overnight. She will babysit if we ask her to. When she's with them, she's pretty involved and will play with them. If she has them at her house, she generally does her normal routine of cleaning and what not, but will take breaks to engage with them, make them meals, put them down for naps, etc.

[melsbels]

My parents are amazing! My Mom is the most helpful because she’s semi-retired and has more time, but my Dad is super hands on when he can be. He is very involved with my niece’s hockey in the winter which is also awesome. But yeah they babysit for us on date nights including overnights from time to time, they often help us out with stuff like clothing/shoes/jackets for the twins, and they stock our pantry and fridge all the time lol. My Mom also comes to most doctors appointments because it’s hard to wrangle two toddlers alone. But the best thing of all is that she babysits them every Monday to cut down on child care costs for us. It’s a one year agreement (she did the same for my sister when she went back to work after mat leave) so sadly it’s up in July, but we’re all appreciating it so much right now!

My FIL is great, but we only get to see him a few times a year unfortunately. He was here for a week at Christmas and he sat on the floor with the boys and just played with them and read to them the entire. time. It was so sweet. We FaceTime him every weekend which is awesome.

My MIL lives 20 mins away and she’s zero help, but we don’t really ask her either. We see her maybe once a month for lunch or dinner and that’s about it. I have a feeling she may be a bit more engaged when the boys are a bit older. She’s very artistic and creative so I’d love for her to help foster that in them one day. My H isn’t super close with her so it’s hard sometimes, but I always make sure to include her in the big stuff.

[hbomdiggity]

All 4 grandparents live across the country, so none really have an opportunity to be super hands on.

My parents are 74/75. I don't think my dad ever held DS as a baby. I've left the house for short periods when they visit, but they do not have the patience or energy to deal with 3.5 yo DS. My mom is super helpful around the house though.

MIL/FIL are 61. We just flew MIL out to stay with DS for 3 days as both H and I had to travel for work. But she also wants to cuddle with a 3.5yo and you can guess how well that goes over. FIL is pretty good with engaging DS though it helps that DS basically loves everything sport related.

[knx9211]

My parents are amaaaaazing. Drive from our door to theirs is about 30 minutes. My mom watches DS twice a week when I go to work. They watch him any other time we want to go somewhere. Watch him for my doctors appointments. Come over just to help because I’m first tri tired. And she cleans my house while she’s here! My dad is good too. He can’t really be left alone too long but for a few hours he’s ok. DS’ diaper is the first he ever changed. Sorry, Mom!

My ILs are fine. They’re about a 5 hour drive away. So we don’t make it down there a ton now that DS is getting bigger. They’re helpfulish when they’re here. They’ll play with him a while but.. I don’t want to say they get bored with it quickly but they just kinda play for a little then go back to talking to DH and not really paying attention to DS. But they’re largely harmless and love him so it’s fine.

I just wish they’d get that things necessarily have to be different now. You need to make an effort to be quiet when he’s napping, especially in their small split level when we come to visit. Also you can’t take forever to get moving in the morning and then want to leave somewhere for breakfast at 11am when he’s necessarily already eaten and needs to nap soon. Think it through.

[cherryvalance]

Feb 14, 2019 7:02:33 GMT -5 knx9211 said:

I just wish they’d get that things necessarily have to be different now. You need to make an effort to be quiet when he’s napping, especially in their small split level when we come to visit. Also you can’t take forever to get moving in the morning and then want to leave somewhere for breakfast at 11am when he’s necessarily already eaten and needs to nap soon. Think it through.

This drives me crazy! My mom and stepfather are DS's full time caregivers, so I really can't complain, but they drive me crazy with schedules.  I have typed everything out approximately 2 million times and they're still confused about what happens when or that they need to be quiet during certain times.  My mom kept insisting that DS wouldn't stay asleep at her house, no matter what.  Turns out all the curtains are open, so it's bright as hell, they didn't sue his sound machine, the tv was on, my mom talks on the phone, etc. Yeah, I'd think it was hard to sleep in that environment, too.  Common sense stuff like that pisses me off, but they definitely love and engage him (and they're free), so it is what it is. 

[expectantsteelerfan]

My kids are older, and I feel like that makes a difference, but overall both my mom and my inlaws have always been helpful to the extent that someone who doesn't necessarily do things the exact same way you would want them to could be, especially if you are a bit of a control freak like me.
When ds was born, we lived hours away, and I had a rough time transitioning to being a 1st time mom, so I didn't let them do much when they visited when he was first born. Everyone who visited later (including my dad and my brother and dh's siblings) were good about respecting ds's schedule and playing with him when he was awake.
When dd was born, we still lived hours away, and when anyone came to visit, they were awesome about taking ds and entertaining him while I nursed dd or slept with her or whatever. And when she was fussy, I remember MIL walking her around for hours trying to settle her for me.
No one was particularly helpful around the house other than just helping to pick up kids' toys and whatnot, but that is mainly on me not wanting others to do my laundry or dishes or anything.
NOW, we live close to everyone, and my mom and inlaws are super involved: come to almost all sporting events, school stuff, etc., take the kids to the movies, offer to watch them for a date night or overnight occasionally, and I can ask them to watch one while I take the other to important things if needed (mil also watched both kids in the morning for me once a week so i could go to work for 3 years).
My dad lives nearby as well, but he is not involved, and we only see him like 4x a year because he is always working.
But even though they are super involved and willing to help, there is a limit to how actually 'helpful' they are because grandparents have their own way of doing things. I've tried to let go of wanting everything done as I would when they aren't with me now that they are older, but it still bugs the crap out of me to know that if my mom takes the kids, she will only feed them junk food, let them do whatever they want, and bring them home later than I request, and they will be insane when they do get home. And if my inlaws take them, they will buy them all sort of junk and also give them junk food. It's stuff that wouldn't bother me if we were only seeing them a few times a year like we used to, but now we see them almost every week, so it gets old fast and limits how much I ask them to help.

[ECB]

Feb 13, 2019 21:03:40 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

 I discovered very quickly on our first visit with DS1 that FIL loves the idea of a grandchild, but not the realities of babies/children.

This is my FIL.  he loves DS very much but for what he SAYS he wants in a relationship with DS, he follows none of it up with action.  And it's fine.  we're 10 years into this now- it is what it is.  But we've had our frustrations along the way.