Post by minniemouse on Feb 14, 2019 8:40:43 GMT -5
We are lucky, both sets of grandparents are helpful. They each take the kids for sleepovers and whatever else we need. The styles are different, in that with my parents they tend to stay home and do activities there, where as my in laws take them out more.
We live close to my dad and step mom. They help when I need it with appointments (ones I can’t take one or both kids to, which was rare until recently where I have a lot coming up for DS1). My step mom also will watch them after bedtime so we can have a date. Neither are comfortable with both boys while solo (and sometimes even just one while solo...my dad is getting better though with taking DS2 on his own).
When they are here they interact with the boys and are hands on. We also go to Disneyland a handful of times per year and go to their house occasionally. My dad stops by often when he’s in the area for work (that’s another factor- they both work). My step mom comes by less frequently but for longer visits. My parents divorced when I was young and my step mom never raised little kids (never had her own, just us) so I think that plays a role and it will get better as the boys get older.
My ILs live 4.5 hours away but have a home 1.5 hours away they go to monthly. They visit about 3-4 times per year for about 4-6 hours. Both are very hands on with the kids and MIL will help with food and dishes. They aren’t the best though as in they don’t call and ask about the boys and pretend they are more important than they actually are. Most of this is due to huge dysfunction in their family- lots of drama- so it’s probably better this way.
My mom was an amazing grandma when DS1 was born. She just adored him and would have done anything for me and him. Sadly, she was also terminally ill and around 6 months needed to focus on her and we had a falling out. She passed away almost 2 years ago. If she hadn’t been so sick I know things would have been different (our falling out was because I couldn’t meet her needs, like be at the hospital 24/7 while caring for my son...I took her to the hospital appointments 2x/week for months when he was a newborn through 6 months and was at the hospital daily when she had her surgery)- she was the best with being engaged, hands on, nothing phased her and he was a hard newborn (colic, reflux), and she constantly brought us food to make my life easier.
My Mom would be an amazing Grandma but she has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t know who I am, let alone her grandkids. She is not in a position to be loving or helpful. It’s very sad because if she didn’t have the disease she would have been the very best Grandma.
My Dad and his wife live a few hours away in a different state. We see them a few times a year. When we see them, they interact wonderfully with DS. They aren’t proactive in the relationship (we always have to travel to them), but they are good grandparents when we are there.
My ILs live in India and we see them once or twice a year. We skype weekly. They are great grandparents and much younger than my parents, but due to distance are not helpful.
My MIL has mobility limitations. She loves to play with babyharpy but is not remotely helpful with house stuff.
My dad and stepmom are OK. They’ll do stuff but have to be asked.
My mom and stepdad should teach classes on being grandparents. My mom came up for my first week home from the hospital. She did laundry and cooked and would do whatever I needed. When she and my stepdad came up together a month later, they took babyharpy for a walk in her stroller every day the weather allowed so I could get a nap. They visited for her first birthday party and did stuff like finished painting our kitchen, picked up the birthday cake, etc. And then they kept her for five days so we could go on a real kid-free vacation. I would kill for them to live locally.
My mom died nearly 10 years ago. She was a labor and delivery nurse so very at ease around babies. She was a wonderful grandmother to my niece. However my mom was also s functioning alcoholic and her second husband is a terrible person. If she were still alive I don’t think I would have been comfortable having my kids at her house unsupervised very often.
My dad likes to play and spend time with his grandkids, but still works parting so can’t do a lot of daytime babysitting.
My in-laws live 3 hours away. So not helpful as far as babysitting. MIL likes to play with my son, but clearly has him at the bottom of her list of grandkids. She didn’t get him anything for Christmas, even though she was at my house on Christmas Eve. She had nothing for him. It made me sad. She’s also not helpful. When she visited after the baby was born, she didn’t help with any cleaning or cooking. In fact, she sat on the couch while I made dinner and bossed my H around to make her something different to eat. I only really tolerate my in-laws. I would never let my kids spend time with them alone without my husband or me there. I don’t trust the nonsense that they say.
I’m always envious of people who have very hands on grandparents. I could use that extra support.
I have unicorn ILs who cannot do enough for us. My MIL is having some memory loss issues and I’m very careful not to rely on them too much. Her doctor said being around DS right now is probably one of the best things she can be doing, though. They have DS pretty much everyday from 3:30-6:00 or so. They’ll watch him on the weekends if we need to get something done or have plans. They’ll call us and ask if he can come and play because they miss him. I’m very lucky.
My mom is a different story. She lives out of town, so there is just a different relationship. It’s not bad, just different. As she’s not constantly around DS, she’s not as aware of our routines and expectations. She’s very opinionated and not very tuned in to the realities of modern life with 2 parents working demanding jobs and always feeling like no one gets the best of them.
My mom is the most amazing grandma and I am so lucky to have her. She is our main source of babysitting outside of our traditional daycare/pre-school. She (unfortunately) doesn't have much of a social life, so is almost always available when we need back up care of some sort. She is the only person besides H and I who is authorized to and has picked our kids up from daycare. I never ask her to clean up or anything like that, but I do remember when I was postpartum and limited due to a C-section, she came over and vacuumed for me because she knew it was driving me nuts. She also strings my Christmas tree lights for me every year because I'm a tool and can't seem to do it well myself. lol Basically, she's the best.
My dad is a functioning alcoholic. He works full time, but spends the rest of his time drinking. I prefer that my kids not be around him when he's been drinking, so they usually only see him if we go to my parent's house on Sunday mornings for breakfast. He also has mobility issues, so his interaction with them is quite limited. I think he wants to be a good grandpa, but doesn't know how because his demons are more important.
I have a few sets of ILs due to H's parents divorcing and remarrying. H's mom is a great grandma in many ways, but she isn't super involved with us anymore after an incident when C was 1yo and she drank too much while babysitting. We called her out about his and rather than owning up to it, she's acting like a child so her interaction has been super limited since then. Basically birthdays and holidays.
H's ex-step-mom (his half-brother's mom) is an awesome grandma and we love her. H has never had much of a good relationship with his dad. We only seem him and his new wife on the kid's birthdays or holidays.
Both sets of grandparents live about 3 hours away, so they are not helpful in day to day stuff.
My parents just genuinely love their grandchildren. They love spending time with them. My mom changes diapers, makes food, entertains my kids, there is nothing she wouldn't do for them. My dad is the same, but he hasn't changed too many diapers. They took my kids twice for 5 days each time last year while my husband and I went on vacation. They do have mobility issues, so prefer to stay at the house instead of doing activities outside the house. The exception is two trips to Disney world they have taken us on because they love it and want to experience it with their grandkids. Iwish they lived closer.
My in-laws are fairly attentive to the kids when we see them. My FIL will take the baby on walks around the house/yard while we are trying to do something else. They will get down and plus with both children. They can also be very helpful with house projects, but don't help with "day to day" house chores. They can also go long periods of time without seeing or even talking to the kids. They have their own interests and when seeing us fits into their other interests fine, but they don't go out of their way. That has caused some resentment over the years, and the feeling of "Facebook grandparents", but the reality is that my 3 year old loves them and they are good with her when she is present, so I'm trying to appreciate that and let go of everything else.
Post by sunshine608 on Feb 14, 2019 11:49:42 GMT -5
Very. They are our childcare and keep them during the week while we work. I try not to use them for date nights and stuff but they ask/offer and really seem to enjoy it.
Last week I had to go out of town and DH had to work night shift ( one week only and due to the superbowl being here the week before it could not be changed) so they ended up spending the week at the grandparents.
I am so thankful my kids get to know them equally and to have this type of bond with them.
They were both amazing postpartum both times. My MIL was more reserved at first b/c she didn't want to overstep, but now we have a groove and its perfect.
My parents have always been great. When I had the triplets my Mom came from out of state and lived with us for a few months to help which was definitely needed and we were so lucky she could do that. Last year she had a major stroke so she is unable to help at all anymore. It makes me so sad because she really loves being a grandma. Her face still lights up when we go to visit her. My Dad bought a house down the street from us since they had to move to a one story so we see them frequently. My Dad will help here and there but I try not to ask him too much. He definitely isn't as keen on helping like my Mom used to be but he does his best and my kids have a great relationship with him. Now that they are 7 its a fairly easy gig too. We don't have a relationship with MIL.
My parents have been super helpful. They were absolute saviors when I was sick and couldn't care for DD myself for the 9 months when I can home from the hospital. DD was turning 3 at that time. My mom has always been DD's primary childcare since DD was about 8 weeks old. She still keeps DD at her house Monday through Thursday and does Kindergarten drop off & pickup. She cooks gourmet meals for DD. In exchange for this phenomal grandparent love, I have to put up with her constant criticism of me. Also we did have to buy a house 15 minutes away from them because they offer care at their house and hate coming to ours. DD feels she lives at both houses.
With DS, they're a little more hands off. He's quite a handful for all of us including me so he's better off at daycare. They still help me with him every weekday night and my mom cooks little special baby meals for him on weekdays. Keeping the both of them at home together is a bit much for them alone but in a pinch they will do it on the weekends.
My in-laws OTOH don't like childcare duties. They live 4 hours away. MIL did take total care of DD for the 3 months I was in the hospital when DD was 2.5 years old. She had just retired and that was an extreme emergency situation. Otherwise she would always tell my husband "oh call me whenever you need help, I'll definitely help you." So my husband would have her come for a week at a time and by the second or third day, she would be inventing excuses to go home. But my husband would never be home to witness this. He finally believed me after DS was born and as usual, she promised a long stay and ran away earlier than expected. We only have them come for weekend visits now. She comes Friday afternoon and is on the road Monday morning before the kids are even up. If FIL comes, their trips are even shorter because he still works full time.
My parents are amazing, but 3.5 hours away. They keep saying they want to move closer, but I know it's hard to leave their friends/village at "home." They regularly take E for a week in the summer and came and stayed to watch her while DH and I went on our cruise.
MIL has watched E like twice, but that's because of physical limitations and she really doesn't have a grandma personality. Now that E is older I think short spurts would be ok, but she really has no idea how to connect with a child. She also spends most of her time dealing with her step-daughter and her kids and basically doesn't give anyone else any attention.
FIL is useless. He's never been a fan of me and prefers to favor BIL the deadbeat. Fine by us.
All grandparents live 9+ hours away, so there isn’t any day to day help.
My mom and her H are awesome. I trust DD with them completely. Maybe a bit more spoiling and candy than I would like, but my mom feels like she has to be the super fun nana in order for dd to remember her. I get it and mostly don’t say anything. They cook and clean and take excellent care of DD when they are here.
My dad is another who likes the idea of being a grandpa, but he’s not willing to do any of the work for it. It is who he is. That’s the kind of dad he was, too. I would leave dd with him for a few hours, but not longer than that. He would cook if I asked him to, but not clean anything, and wouldn’t ever volunteer anything.
My ILs suck. MiL is constantly trying to get DD to play with toys too young for her, or she bribes DD with YouTube music videos to make DD sit near her for hours. I finally put my foot down on that and stopped it. She’s just... not good with children. She desperately wants to have a great grandma relationship, but she doesn’t know how. I do exactly nothing to encourage her relationship with DD because she has always been horrible to me. FiL is somewhat better with DD, but still a pretty bad person who loves to be mean to me. He’s like if you met a comments section in person. Neither of them are allowed to help clean our house and are flat out not permitted in my kitchen. Their house was absolutely disgusting when I last visited them several years ago. I haven’t been to their new house, but I’m sure they’ve allowed it to get just as bad. They will never, ever be allowed to babysit. They want Christmas at their house this year, but I will have a 3 month old. Idk.
My in laws live about an hour away. They are a minimal help. Rarely see the kids unless we bring them there. My MIL has done a weekend or two with DD, but once we had two, she wasn’t up for it anymore.
My parents are 4 hours away. My mom and stepdad used to be all about watching my kids, but my mom I think is going through something right now (I’m not sure what, I have a hunch she’s off her meds for depression) and has flaked out multiple times over the past year. My stepdad is amazing with my kids, and I actually trust him the most of anyone to handle both of them at once.
My dad and his fiancé have majorly stepped up over the past year. I think part of it is that my daughter is a little older and also that his fiancé is there to help (they’ve only been together for a few years).
It’s sucks not to have a parent around to help when I’m sick, or need a place to drop the kids off when I have doctors appointments or whatever. I’m jealous of people that do.
My dad and his gf (of like 35 years) live about 5 mins away. My dad is not a kid person, but I have been so, so impressed by how he has been with my 3-year-old. He picks her up twice a week from daycare, and often comes to play with her once on the weekend. They have babysat a couple of times in the evenings, but not a ton. My FIL and his gf live about 20 mins from us, and we see them maybe 3 times a year. My MIL lives 45 mins from us and doesn’t drive. She doesn’t help, but is great when we see her. My mother lives across the country and has only met my daughter once.
Post by notsopicky on Feb 15, 2019 15:32:18 GMT -5
Depends on which set. None are local, so it involves planning. When they (or we all) are together, they are super helpful--playing games, doing activities, talking, bath time, meals, going to the store or picking up dinner.
My parents live about 9 driving hours from us. They invite their 3 grandsons to their house once a year sans parents. As long as we can get them there, they all go. We spend a week with them in the summer, either at their place, or we go somewhere as a big group (my fam + bro's fam + them). They also come here for a weekend in the winter, to celebrate Christmas. They call, send cards, follow pics on FB. My mom sometimes comes for an additional weekend here or there, if there's a concert we want to go to, or if we're traveling somewhere, like NYC, for a girls' weekend.
H's Dad (his mom has been gone for 10 years now) lives in the midwest (3 hour flight). The only time we see him is when we go there, and we haven't been in 3 years (it's expensive--flights, car rental, hotel--his house is very small). He doesn't call or write, he's not on social media. He forgot Christmas for us this year; usually he sends checks (E actually likes it, he can go shopping for toys), but this year, nada. He says he keeps meaning to send an envelope, but so far, nada.
I feel bad for E, b/c he'll never know his Grandma b/c she's gone, and he really doesn't know his Grandpa either. We've invited H's dad for every holiday in the last 3 years, and during the summer, or during school breaks, and he always says he wants to come, but doesn't. It's especially weird--b/c of his lifelong job, he can travel for free anywhere in the country, so it's not like it's a money thing.
I hate to bring it up w/ H because I think deep down it's hurtful to see the disparity between the effort my parents put forth and the no effort his dad puts forth. We don't have a very big family, so I always do my best to get us together when I can. I can't make H's Dad come here, though, and I can't rub 2 rocks together to come up with money to send us all out there all the time either.