If you’ve distanced yourself from your parent(s)

[thelurkylulu]

.

[mcmel]

I’m sorry

I feel this way a lot and worry about what will happen when one of my parents pass away leaving the other all alone.

I have talked to my therapist a few times about it. I honestly don’t know how I’ll handle it when it’s just one of them left.

[Leeham Rimes]

I honestly don’t feel guilty. I distanced myself from my parents bc the only person who will put me first, is me. And I’m worth that. I haven’t iced them out completely but I’m no longer bending over backwards to accommodate their bad choices. I distanced myself from them because of their actions and their choices, not my desire to be distant.

I know my situation is different from your though.

[flex]

It's okay to ask your mom to respect your wishes (like her not going to your procedure, etc.), and if she gets mad about it, it's on her--not you. You don't need to write your mom out of your life, but it's okay to stand up for yourself. No need to feel guilty about that.

[hopecounts]

I distanced myself from my dad because it wasn’t healthy for me to keep forcing a relationship that he put no effort into.
When he bailed on my daughter’s christening and 1st bday I was done.

But he’s always been a crap Dad so I don’t have much, if any guilt about it.
I need to do what’s healthy for me and the kids and that’s my priority and I don’t feel bad for that.

I’d recommend speaking with a therapist to work through your feelings.
It sounds like you are doing the healthiest thing but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
Talking to a neutral 3rd party may help you feel better about it.

[pixy0stix]

I don't have any guilt, which isn't helpful to your situation. I'm sorry. :/

[fivechickens]

I don’t have any guilt when it comes to mine and my dad’s relationship. He is makes zero effort to make our relationship better even after he tells me he wants a better relationship. Also, he is just an overall shitty person. Like Trump shitty.

In your situation, I would talk to a therapist. Is your mom a social person? Would she be willing to join some senior groups?

[ECB]

I do think therapy could help.

Past that - You need to work on realizing that she’s her own person who has made her own choices in life. You aren’t responsible for those choices or how negative she’s become because of those choices.

Just like you aren’t responsible for her feelings. It’s not your job to make sure she’s happy. ANd it sounds like no matter what you do - she isn’t going to be happy anyhow. So why strive for something that simply isn’t going to happen?

I’ll also say this - less is more. You don’t need to tell her everything that’s going on in your life. The procedure? If you don’t want/need her there, why tell her about it? Also, when she does get mad, don’t stumble over yourself to explain why you did/didn’t do whatever she’s mad at. She’s going to be upset anyhow. Just let her be mad - don’t try to make her un-mad.

[cabbagecabbage]

I don't feel guilty living my life for me. They don't live their lives for their kids so why would I live for them? If you can get some therapy, I'm sure it would help.

That advice is always given and I've never had the means to get therapy. I have to do it myself. I read/write/walk/listen and keep my life calm. I focus on boundaries. God, I love boundaries. It doesn't look like a beautiful meme to put yourself first. I am all I have at the most base level. If I don't advocate for myself, nobody will. I mention it only because if therapy was the only way, I'd be fucked. If you can't get it, you can still work on this. You must prioritize yourself.

Good luck. I used to worry about my mom and wonder how I would live life without anyone being mad at me. Now I say what I need and don't look back. It's glorious.

[joy]

Therapy is a good choice and it doesn’t need to be this enormous thing. A few sessions is really all you need - the person will offer ways to change your thinking, reframe the situation, tips for handling the guiltiest moments, and bolster your confidence that you aren’t wrong for wanting some space.

I knew I needed to put some space between me and a parent. I knew it was right for me but the guilt was immense. I think I had three sessions before I felt confident in how to navigate the situation day in and day out. I still remember some of the things she said during hard moments now five years later.

[Leeham Rimes]

Also, if I can give a piece of wisdom that I’ve learned over the years. People weaponize guilt so their needs can be met without having to change, without having to meet the needs of others.

[fivechickens]

Feb 15, 2019 9:31:35 GMT -5 Leeham Rimes said:

Also, if I can give a piece of wisdom that I’ve learned over the years. People weaponize guilt so their needs can be met without having to change, without having to meet the needs of others.

💯

[boiler717]

I’m sorry. My husband has stopped speaking to his parents following what happened around the birth of our child.
We (him solo and us together) went to a lot of therapy to help him make this decision. He was also diagnosed with PTSD after going through his interactions with his mom (which is not something either of us realized). He did EMDR therapy for treatment of that specifically.

[flex]

Feb 15, 2019 9:31:35 GMT -5 Leeham Rimes said:

Also, if I can give a piece of wisdom that I’ve learned over the years. People weaponize guilt so their needs can be met without having to change, without having to meet the needs of others.

Well said!!!

[followyourarrow]

My situation is different and I honestly don't feel guilt. I keep reminding myself that he's an adult and has made his choices.

[flygirl]

Feb 15, 2019 9:31:35 GMT -5 Leeham Rimes said:

Also, if I can give a piece of wisdom that I’ve learned over the years. People weaponize guilt so their needs can be met without having to change, without having to meet the needs of others.

This is so true.  My mother likes to send nasty letters in the mail telling me she never gets to see her grandchildren, I’ve misrepresented what has happened and it’s my ego that is the problem.  She has no intention of apologizing or changing her behavior.  Honestly the worse thing for me is when people talk about how wonderful their parents are..and especially when someone has lost a parent and is heartbroken.  My parents are alive and want nothing to do with me or my kid.  The sadness lessens over time and I’ve realized that I have to mourn what I wish I had vs reality.  Very concrete boundaries help a lot...if you keep giving in, they have leverage to guilt you in the future. 

[felicity]

I struggle with the guilt too of distancing from my mom, and it is compounded by my mom putting all blame on me for any issues we have. I have found the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents to be very helpful, along with therapy.

[lust2hart]

I recommend the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. It really drives home the idea that when you set a boundary, how a person chooses to react to that is on them. It also gives some practical tips for how to actually have conversations - both boundary-setting conversations, and conversations around the guilt trips that happen once you start enforcing your boundary.

[litskispeciality]

I don't really have a lot of advice as I feel guilt for not spending a lot of time with my nieces and nephew because of their mother (my husband's sister). Unfortunately people need to be adults an understand they caused it, but often when they are the reason they blame you. Al-Anon may have some open resources as a lot of adult children of alcoholics experience detachment. You have to detach from the parent (or other addict) for your own sanity.

Speaking of that, my brother moved accross the country for a few years. He didn't call, or visit or whatever. My mom was too out of it to get that he was doing this on purpose. I guess the only thing I can say is just ignore or block the numbers, emails and social media for more of an out of site out of mind. (((HUGS)))

[lurkydoodle]

I don't know if it's guilt, but I feel honestly bad for my mother. For me, the balance has been giving her SOMETHING of a relationship, without giving her anything that's valuable to me. So I take her calls and I "uh huh" and "oh yep, sure" the crap out of it without really listening. When she asks about me or my life (which is RARE) I just say "everything is fine". I could be in a full body cast and I'd still say that. I live several states away, so having to actually see her is not a problem.

[boxertdog]

Feb 14, 2019 22:08:50 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

I don't have any guilt, which isn't helpful to your situation. I'm sorry. :/

Me too.

[fumbalina]

I had a hard time with it for a long time. I pulled away from my parents even before my mother died. I do not regret spending so little time with her honestly. Someone at church helped me to get through the not guilt, but desire to feel guilt by asking me a simple question. It was how would you feel if he passed away today. For me the answer was relieved. After I went through that thought process I was less driven to feel guilty.

My father has recently attempted to reach out more and that has started the guilty feelings again, but I remember all my entire previous life. He has always been happy to show off his wealth, but that is really all he has ever given and I have no desire to have a human piggy bank.

I decided a while back that I will visit him a handful of times a year, including saving days near holidays, but that is what I have the emotional bandwidth for, and that is where it is staying.

[thelurkylulu]

Thank you all for the advice. She sent me a text tonight about me that “wasn’t meant for me” but she “didn’t feel badly about it”. I really feel like it was the last straw. I wasn’t angry or even hurt by her words, just sad because I miss my old mom. I just told her how petty I felt the whole thing was. I feel sad (but not guilty) for telling her how I felt. I do believe she’s lonely and spends way too much time home alone. I have suggested she volunteer or get a part time job where she can get out and have some social interaction. I just don’t have a desire to be around her when she’s always complaining, looking for drama, etc.

[🍍🍊pineappleorange🍍🍊]

I have my father on time out. it was the best decision for me. looking back I realized he is a horrible father and person. And I am trying to make peace with some disturbing things I have learned about him.