This is true for me. I hate giving direct feedback. Which is hilarious since one employee threatened to quit and another almost cried this year at his review because of my directness.
I was particularly struck by the “softening language” thing. I totally do that! And I’m going to stop. My employees deserve better and so does my company.
I’m very direct. With the example in the article, I have said things like “you were away from 10:05 to 10:35, 11:20-11:40 and 12:30-1:00. The expectation is eight hours of contiguous work, with a reasonable break for lunch or to grab water or visit the restroom. If there’s a medical concern we just need to shift expectations and make your schedule workable, because currently full attendance of meetings is required, but can be re-evaluated if needed - not all meetings are created equal.”
The feedback I get is I “hurt people’s feelings” and need to soften messages. I vehemently disagree. People don’t like rules and also don’t like to be told no. So for things like “we don’t support that line of business, but xyz does” it doesn’t make sense to me to write “oh gosh I wish I could work with you on that!” Followed by a ton more fluff. (Example was a literal suggestion).
I know I'm not great at it. I have employee that I repeatedly bring up the same issues with on her reviews, we map out a plan, including me asking her for her input, and then literally nothing changes. So clearly I'm not getting my message across well, but I don't know how to be more direct without micromanaging every piece of her desk, which would kill me.
I am excellent at giving direct, constructive feedback. A big part of my job now is to literally train managers on how to do the same thing and how to hold their employees accountable. It's not a hard skill to learn, but some people just don't have the personality for it. If you are not confident in how you speak to an employee, you will just never be an effective manager, and that's not fair to an employee - to be held accountable to standards that are not being communicated to them. It's incredibly frustrating for me to see managers that are just not willing to makes the changes necessary to drive the results of their teams.
Anyways, I love to talk about this kind of stuff. So if you think you need help as a manager, ask me questions, I'd love to try to help!
I know I'm not great at it. I have employee that I repeatedly bring up the same issues with on her reviews, we map out a plan, including me asking her for her input, and then literally nothing changes. So clearly I'm not getting my message across well, but I don't know how to be more direct without micromanaging every piece of her desk, which would kill me.
You don't need to micromanage every detail, instead create an action plan that you both agree on and then a follow up system. So for example:
Give her no more then 3 specific skills or areas you need her to improve on in the next 30 days. For each skill, give her a specific, realistic, measurable goal. Ask her how she can get to that goal and what 2 specific behaviors she will do to accomplish that. Ask her to give you at least 1 specific, measurable, realistic way you can help her reach that goal. Have her commit to the plan and you commit to it as well. Set a date midway through to check in. Is she on track to accomplish the goal? She she doing the specific behaviors she said she would? Is it helping? Does she need to change that behavior? Is what your doing to help her, working? Can she still confidently say she will reach the goal? At the end of the 30 days, meet again .Use language like, "Tell me about..." "Explain to me how..." "Show me..." Did she meet her goal? Celebrate! High five! Awesome. Talk about the behaviors she did differently to achieve those results. Repeat the plan again together one more month! Did it not work? Why? What needs to change? Commit to doing the plan one more month with the threat of corrective action if necessary.
Managers just HAVE to understand that some people need very specific instructions and to be held accountable to those tasks. Its the hardest part of being a manager - managing those people that are just "ok" but need your attention more then you feel like you can give them. But defined action plans, and committing to doing your part is going to lead to much easier conversations down the road. If an employee just doesn't improve you have the documentation necessary to have a very specific conversation about what you have done to help them improve and the results that show they just didn't execute the plan like they said they would.
I am pretty middle ground on a lot of things. I have one other manager that told me I was too direct, but she said the same things I did but just put uh and oh and a few other words in front of it- I guess to soften things. She also said lots of inappropriate comments about pregnancy and allowed bullying to occur with her staff, so I don't think she was an expert by any means.
I tend not to address staff at all unless I have to because they are usually pretty good. However, if I do have to address them then I am pretty direct because we are having this meeting for a reason, and then meeting is to tell you to stop doing XYZ.
I've only made one person cry in 10 years, and we smoothed it over. So I guess my style works for me.
I had one boss that prided herself on making everyone cry even 2 month seasonal help, so yeah that is just some women that are like I'm a bitch and proud of it. I am not a subscriber to that attitude. Was what she said accurate yes, but no need to be a bitch to someone who is 18 and has 2 hour breaks in 24 hour periods and was being paid below minimum wage (residential summer camp). There is common sense. A simple watch your tone of voice comment would have been sufficient or maybe not overworking people in the first place, paying properly, asking before promoting them, and providing proper training.
I've also had a boss that never said anything to anyone and allowed sexual, racial and transgender as well as regular harassment occur for 10 + years, so that is not the way to go either.
The feedback I get is I “hurt people’s feelings” and need to soften messages.
And I truly wonder how much of this is directed at female managers! Would you have been told that if you were a man??
Anyhow - I just officially became a manager a few months ago. And I'm struggling with this right now with my one direct report. Part of the problem is that we were equals for 2 years (although based on tenure in my dept, I was her pseudo boss) and formed a nice relationship. Now that I need to switch hats, it's hard. There are things that I realize now I have to be careful about sharing with her. Or gripes I have - I need to keep them to myself.
AND giving feedback - she's really pissed off right now at my boss and his boss, and it's hurting her on many levels, even in how she acts towards me. I like her as a person, but I'm also starting to think "yeah, so in your 30 years here, maybe I'm beginning to understand more why you moved around so many different divisions and departments....". I think she's lazy and gotten too complacent, but yet claims she's overworked.
I've tried to avoid managing anyone as best I can. I am a super direct person in my personal life, but I still have trouble with being direct when it comes to giving feedback to my analysts or admins on client teams.
My boss/our CEO says the only people who ever cry or have terrible reactions to the reviews he's given are men.
I have very much enjoyed not managing anyone while working, after being a manager for 10+ years. And for a long time, I had several layers of reports. So I wasn’t just dealing with my own issues - I had to coach managers and managers of managers. I liked some of it, but really disliked a lot of it.
The job I’m going for is an individual contributor. That’s what I want.