Living near family?

[k3am]

For the sake of this post, consider "near" as within a 1 hour drive during non-commute hours. And for family, consider living near one or more family units (grandparent(s), siblings, cousins, whatever) on either your's or your SO's side. 

Is it important that you live near family? 
Do you live near family?
If no, did you move away from them or did they move away from you?
What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?)
Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown? 

[erbear]

How timely.


Is it important that you live near family? Extremely important. My kids have grown up with both sets of grandparents less than an hour away and it's been amazing.

Do you live near family? MIL yes. My parents moved across the country last week and it SUCKS

If no, did you move away from them or did they move away from you? They moved to be closer to my sister

What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?) Sister moved away for med school and never came back.

Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown? I hope so.,

[campermom]

Is it important that you live near family? Yes. We used to be nearly 3 hours away until my big kids were 2 and 4 and we moved back home.

Do you live near family? 10 mins from my parents.

What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?) my one sister w 4 kids has always stayed. They do a LOT together and my parents help her out a lot. Her kids are older than mine-college, junior and twins in middle school. Mine are 10, 7 and 3. She helps with more day to day things like fixing their computer, things like that.
My other sister lives 3 hours away and they have a farm near her house so they still see her somewhat.

Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown? I hope so.

Additional points:
We have a great relationship with them.
My parents have a pool and I’m off until in the summer. We spend a lot of time there.
My parents aren’t really able to babysit them to a large degree, bc physically my 3 year old is a bit much for them. They are 70 and 71. But if I need someone to pick them up from school they can do that. My husband is in the military and I’ve needed them sometimes (along with regular babysitters).
They can come to games and activities.
I’m also watching my best friend deal with her mother in laws slow decline, who is halfway across the country. I can’t imagine those difficulties-she is in hospice and they have gone it several times in the last month. They never know when the last days will be and are trying to be there but they are going unpaid at this point.

[waverly]

We do not live near family. After DH got his MBA we moved for his job. Come to find out if we had owned a house and “couldn’t sell it” we would have been able to stay in our home area. His job was mostly flying. But we didn’t know that nor did we own a house, so we moved.

Anyway so we moved to a larger city with much better public transit and a lot of different companies/ industries from our home area that pretty much only has 1 industry that he didn’t want to be in. We’ve decided to stay for now because it has better jobs here for DH and now I am 10 years vested in my pension. We are still open to moving back for the right job but an awesome in every way job hasn’t materialized.

We might still move back. It’s looking not great until retirement and even then we might not want to if our kids want to stay here. But I still figure we might have to move to care for ailing parents maybe.. I’m at the point in my life where I’m settled and change adverse so it would take a big push and a very stable job for DH for me to take the plunge but it’s the area that would be our second choice.

My sister still lives there. And DH’s brother but he is special needs so he’s not a ton of help to the parents but he helps a little. He’s never worked or gone to school and they pay for everything for him. DH’s sister moved away.

I hope to live near my kids but DH’s family is more push people out of the nest than my family is so I imagine that DH won’t care if he lives near them but I will.

[sdlaura]

We live 3,000 miles from family. We moved away from home (Maryland/DC/Virginia area). We’ve been here 11 years so obviously are fine with it.

My sister moved an hour from where we grew up and now my parents just sold their house and moved 5 minutes from her. They also bought a condo 5 minutes from me when they retired and they spend about a few months a year out here. It’s awesome to have the help when they’re here.

One thing I like about San Diego is that we don’t feel like the odd ones out for not living near family. There are plenty of people here with no family around, so we spend Thanksgiving with friends. We thought about staying in the Boston area near where DH went to b-school, but it definitely felt like we’d be weird there for not having extended family around.

I hope to be able to do what my parents have done when our kids have their own families. It’s great to have our parents visit for extended periods but not have to stay in our house.

[sdlaura]

This reminds me of a NYTimes article from a few years ago - the average American lives only 18 miles from their mother.

I attribute that to the cost of childcare. You need really high paying jobs to have multiple kids and no family help, in most places.

[k3am]

We sort of live near family. DH's parents are 90 minutes away on a good day.
I moved away for college and realized I really, really, really don't like LA/SFV, so once I graduated, I moved to where I knew DH would end up after he graduated. I don't think I could handle living that close to my family.
My oldest sister was pregnant at a young age and never left. My middle sister probably would have moved for college, but stayed local in order to take care of me when my mom couldn't/wouldn't. She's stayed in the area as well. All of DH's siblings have fled.
I would love to live near my children when they're grown. But based on the cost of living where we live, it is highly unlikely. I would not be averse to moving near where ever they end up, if they end up near the same place. This is honestly the part that gives me the biggest heartache.

[sandandsea]

May 1, 2019 16:49:40 GMT -5 k3am said:

For the sake of this post, consider "near" as within a 1 hour drive during non-commute hours. And for family, consider living near one or more family units (grandparent(s), siblings, cousins, whatever) on either your's or your SO's side. 

Is it important that you live near family? 
Do you live near family?
If no, did you move away from them or did they move away from you?
What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?)
Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown? 

It’s not important for us to live near family. It may be nice but not important

We don’t live near any family. Closest is an 8+ hour drive.

We moved away for college and after college. I moved away. They haven’t moved.

My siblings live near my parents but BIL lives even further away from ILs.

I plan on following the boys to a lower cost area and helping with grandkids between travels! Haha

[sunbutter]

Is it important that you live near family? It is a nice to have for me, haven’t lived near family since 1994. I did choose to live on the east coast, within driving distance to them so that I can get to them if they need me. I had opportunities in CA but turned them down on multiple occasions for this reason.

Do you live near family? No, my parents are currently a 3.5 hour drive.

If no, did you move away from them or did they move away from you? I moved away first for school and stayed away because they live in rural PA and I can’t pursue my career there.

What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?) My brother lives near them. My husband has six siblings. One lives at home and the rest live about 5-8 hour drive from them up and down the east coast.

Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown? I have no idea. I would like to but my DS currently wants to work for LEGO and I’m not moving to Denmark.

[traveltheworld]

I'm an only child and my parents moved to be 5 minutes from us once DS came along. They sold their house in our home town (10 hour drive) and bought a condo there and go stay there a few weeks a year. DH's parents are about 2.5 hours away and we see them often. As my parents have gotten older, I've really appreciated having them close. They've both had a few health scares over the last few years, resulting in a large number of appointments and hospital visits, so it would have been incredibly hard for me to be there for those if they didn't move to be near us. My dad had always talked about moving back to our home town once our kids are older, but he hasn't mentioned it in a few years.

DH's one brother lives thousands of miles away. He doesn't have kids, but is incredibly close with my in laws so he comes back to visit often.

I think I'd like to live near my kids once they have kids of their own. I want to work overseas for a few years after my kids are in college, so I don't envision living near them at that point.

[erinshelley21]

Is it important that you live near family? Yes. I can't imagine our life being away from them. It comes with good and bad, but the good far outweighs the bad even if we take the mostly free childcare out of the equation. Our real life version of Four Christmases is exhausting but it's also sort of awesome. MIL makes our lives work.
Do you live near family? Yes. DH'S parents and siblings all live in the same town as us. My brother does as well and my mom is currently 45 minutes away but will be about 32 in the fall.
If no, did you move away from them or did they move away from you?
What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?) All here, except for a couple years for college. My brother was an hour away.
Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown? I hope so. MIL and my mom have done a ton for us in terms of babysitting. I hope I can be half as helpful as they have been if thats what my kids and their spouses want.

[mrspez07]

Is it important that you live near family?
I think I took it for granted until I had kids. Ow I would have a hard time not being near family. I never left the state.

Do you live near family?
Yes. 20-25 min from parents and brother, as well as aunts/uncles and cousins who haven’t gone too far. DH moved from CA to CO and I kept him here ;-) most of his extended family is still close to the same area.

What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?)
My brother moved across the state after college and marriage. He tried to stay there after divorce but so many friends were hers. He moved back close by and is just a bit further than my parents.

Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown?
I hope so. Picturing my boys as grownups it even teens is hard to get my head around these days. I hope they stay close or it makes sense to visit often.

[mommyatty]

May 1, 2019 16:49:40 GMT -5 k3am said:

For the sake of this post, consider "near" as within a 1 hour drive during non-commute hours. And for family, consider living near one or more family units (grandparent(s), siblings, cousins, whatever) on either your's or your SO's side. 

Is it important that you live near family? No. I would prefer we lived near no family, but my kids do adore my MIL and vice versa, so I wouldn’t take that away from them. Plus, my H is an utter mama’s boy, so there’s no way he would leave his mom. We moved away a couple of times, for me to go to law school and for my job. When we moved for my job, DH and his parents spent the whole time figuring out if we would move back or they would move to us.

Do you live near family? Yes. My MIL is less than a mile away. I have a brother and cousin who is more like a sister each about 45 min away from me and from each other. (We live sort of in a triangle.) I see my cousin once a year or so. I’ve seen my brother once in the past 7 years, at a family funeral out of state. My mother lives in the general area where she grew up.

So fun fact, when my cousin’s kids were young, I would babysit them. I raised my brother’s kids for 2 years. I was the designated problem solver and savior for my entire family. But when I had kids, everyone acted like I had betrayed them by no longer being at their beck and call. I think family is highly overrated. 

If no, did you move away from them or did they move away from you?

What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?) My siblings never considered leaving the area. My brother left for the Army when he was young, but moved home in part because he had two kids my parents and I (mostly I even though I was in high school) raised while he was deployed for almost 2 years. He never wanted to leave. My mom moved away from him, and it broke his heart.

Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown? I don’t know. I would love to have a healthy relationship with them as adults, but I haven’t seen that up close. I definitely don’t want to be as over involved as my MIL but nor do I want to be completely absent like my own mom. I would like to find a happy medium. I would love to live close if I could do that without suffocating them.

[ilovelucyvv]

I live near H’s parents and brother, STBXW and their kids. Its been nice but the upcoming divorce has affected our whole family and it will definitely be different when BIL moves back in with his parents. One day H and I will likely move away, probably temporarily, so that he can advance in his career. I think that will be sad for the kids but it’s important enough to our family to pursue our dreams

[polecat8]

Is it important that you live near family? Yes. DH and I grew up close to our grandparents. My grandparents were always attending our parties, and school and sporting events. They also helped with childcare when needed. DH and I moved 6 hours away when we got married. It was good in that DH and I were able to build our relationship and learned to be self-sufficient. But we knew we would move back home when it was time to start a family. We couldn't imagine our kids not having their grandparents around.

Do you live near family? Yes. My parents are 30 mins away and FIL is 20 mins away. We relied on our parents for babysitting when DD and DS1 were born. There's no way we could have survived without them. Plus our parents have had their share of health problems, so it is good to be close by.

What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?) 2 of my brothers are close by (<20 mins away) while my other brother is about an hour away. I can always call them to help with something. We have traded babysitting duty, attended kids' sporting/school events, and got together at random times just to hang out. DH's sisters live out of state. SIL1 lives 3 hours away and comes in every other month. SIL2 lives 8 hours away and doesn't come up unless she has to.

Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown? Yes. I can't imagine not being a part of their kids' lives. I just hope they all live near each other or we'll be screwed.

[ilovelucyvv]

Re: hoping to live near our kids when they are grown. That would be nice but I’m going to put in the effort to be a part of their lives no matter what. If success means not living near us then I’m fine with it. H’s parents pushed him into buying a house nearish them when he was 20 and still in school. We still live in that house and I’m bitter about it. If they didn’t do that, he could have bought closer to work which would have made a lot more sense. The market tanked and I feel stuck where we are with the long commute. I would never do that to my kids. They meant well but in the end it was a horrible idea

[waverly]

May 2, 2019 7:02:22 GMT -5 ilovelucyvv said:

Re: hoping to live near our kids when they are grown. That would be nice but I’m going to put in the effort to be a part of their lives no matter what. If success means not living near us then I’m fine with it. H’s parents pushed him into buying a house nearish them when he was 20 and still in school. We still live in that house and I’m bitter about it. If they didn’t do that, he could have bought closer to work which would have made a lot more sense. The market tanked and I feel stuck where we are with the long commute. I would never do that to my kids. They meant well but in the end it was a horrible idea

My friend had that happen to them. They were forced to buy his brothers house and the brother (maybe I’m fuzzy in details) bought the parents house. Eventually they moved out, but I would be super pissed if someone forced me to buy a specific house. I hope you are able to move soon.

[twinmomma]

Is it important that you live near family? Yes, very. I bought a house in the same town where I grew up to be near family.

Do you live near family? Yup. Ex-in laws are down the street, my siblings live within 15-20 minutes, my parents used to be in town but moved 2 hours away recently. I also live close to my aunts, uncles, and extended family. My parents live in a neighborhood filled with other extended family - mom's cousins level extended. We're all about family.

If no, did you move away from them or did they move away from you? They all moved away from me, but no one really far. My folks retired to our family lake house, so even that is a place where I grew up. It's just not down the street from me anymore.

What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?) Siblings live locally, but not in the same town. Sister moved to be close to work, brother moved to a town with better apartment options.

Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown? Yes! I hope so!

I once worked with someone who told me that people in New England just don't leave home. He was from the midwest and was amazed that everyone around here would say they "moved away from home" but it was to the town next door or something. In my experience, he's right. People around here don't move far away like I hear about in other parts of the country.

ETA - it's really important to be close to family for me too because they help SO MUCH with childcare. My kids are the only grandkids for my parents and my mom isn't even 60 yet, so they are able to help us out a lot. Ex-in laws are the same. Their help is a pain in the ass sometimes, but they do a lot for us and are very young.

[xctsclrx]

Is it important that you live near family?
     No. I grew up a military brat and that was really never an issue

Do you live near family?
     My mom moved to be closer to me back in January, but that was for her and going through the divorce process

If no, did you move away from them or did they move away from you?
         I graduated and moved out 3 days later. My family moved even further away by the end of that summer. Again Military. Dad is now in Korea

What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?)
            Brother is in college now; not sure if that counts as grown up. 
            BILs both live close to their parents

Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown?

            With 4 children I really don't know. We already live 3 hours away from 2 of them and they both want to leave their area. Chances are they will want to branch out and we will             see if they come back. 

[librarychica]

May 1, 2019 16:49:40 GMT -5 k3am said:

 

Is it important that you live near family? 
Do you live near family?

I have prioritized living near my parents. I actually wanted to move after I finished college but H was established here already and didn’t want to leave close friends and relative proximity to his family (they’re 2/2.5 hours away). So while I briefly left, when we decided to marry I came back. Now he’s willing to move wherever but once we had the girls I found that I wanted to prioritize the relationship with their grandparents and now I like to be near for my own sake. They’re helpful with the kids (though they’re not close enough to do day-to-day stuff — 45 minutes) and I as they age I just generally like being near enough to see them regularly. I would not stay in the area for my brother or in-laws, if the situation was comparable. It is relationship dependent.


If no, did you move away from them or did they move away from you?
What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?)

My younger brother still lives with them. It isn’t ideal but he can’t afgord to live out comfortably and he helps them when needed, though they don’t need any real help.


]Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown? 

I have no idea. H and I are in a different financial position so I imagine that we will be able to more easily travel to visit. I’d like to think we would be close but I wouldn’t necessarily uproot to follow one or the other — that’s a lot to put on a kid, IMO.

[justcheckingin73]

I would love to live near my sister and her family or my parents. My in laws are great but can be too much in large doses. I suppose the same can be true for my parents but it’s easier when it’s your own family.

I don’t live near my family and never have. Growing up, I was a military brat that moved a lot but we would spend school vacations and summers visiting family. In terms of my parents and sister, we all moved to WI when my Dad retired from the military but after I graduated from college, I moved to the Chicago area and my sister moved to Boston (now in NH) and in 2003, my parents retired for good in TX.

I would love to live near my children when they’re grown but I also want them to be free to explore and find a place that feels like home to them. In fact I tell my daughter to go to college someplace warm so we can move there. I’m definitely not staying in IL for life.

[2chatter]

Wrong day for me to answer this probably as my mom wants to find a “more modern and spacious” senior living, spurred by my aunt. To do so she will have to move pretty far from me. Have at it - I could use those 3-5 days a week of errand running, medications, lunches, dinners, doctors appointments and doing nice things like buying flowers, back into my life.

When the kids were little we moved from the city to my (pretty ghetto) hometown as my parents were commuting into the city to help with childcare. We moved north, my Dad died and my mom eventually moved up here. DH’s parents live 30 minutes away and we see them at holidays - they are busy, so despite the fact that DH wants to stay in this area “for family” it makes no sense to me.

With DD’s medical issues at this point I would love to move to a really small lake community, but she needs the specialists we have locally. People drive hours to see them, and I don’t want to be those people. I also don’t want to start over as we have great friends and relationships. So honestly, our community trumps family for me at this stage of parenting.

[186momx]

Is it important that you live near family? Do you live near family? Me yes, my parents live 5 minutes away and I work with my dad. My siblings live about 45 minutes away. DD adores all of them. DH's parents choose to move away for better weather then divorced and now his dad has passed and his mom moved across the country and has no plans to ever come back. BIL lives about 3 hours away and we see him maybe twice a year. I will say BIL and DH get along much better now that their parents aren't involved.

Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown? I hope so

My extended family all live in the mid-west and we live on Pluto (OR). Big joke in the family that they will fly to AZ or CA but no one will come to OR. When we were kids we drove back every other year for two weeks to visit all the relatives for vacation. I don't have a close relationship with any of my cousins or aunts/uncles and there are tons of them. My sister has connected with some of them via Facebook and over everyone being giant Cubs fans. Funny note is DH's family also lives in the mid-west but he only saw extended family every 5 years or so and has no relationship at all. He has started to connect with them on Facebook since his dad passed.

[covergirl82]

Is it important that you live near family? Yes
Do you live near family? Yes (MIL is 10 minutes away, much of DH's extended family on his mom's side are within 20 minutes of us, and my parents live 45 minutes away.)
What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?) My sister (no kids, no SO) lives an hour away, but we're not very close. SIL and her fam have lived 6+ hours away for 7 years now.
Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown? I am hoping to. I would like to be able to help my kids out like my parents help me/us, and have a close relationship with my grandkids.

[madringal]

Is it important that you live near family?
Yes, growing up we never had grandparents around and just one set of cousins that we weren't that close with.  I really wanted it to be different for my kids.  
Do you live near family?
Yes, our parents both live about 10 minutes away and my older sister and her family are about 20 minutes away.

What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?)
  My older sister stayed local, my younger sister (and DHs older sister) actually both moved out of state and live just 30 minutes from each other - but 4 hours from us. Neither one of them even plan to move home.
Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown? I would like to, yes.  But I have three girls, so it is unrealistic that they will all settle in the same part of the country.  I would also think DH and I would want to retire somewhere other then here (NW Indiana).

[hocus2]

May 1, 2019 19:08:09 GMT -5 sdlaura said:

This reminds me of a NYTimes article from a few years ago - the average American lives only 18 miles from their mother.

I attribute that to the cost of childcare. You need really high paying jobs to have multiple kids and no family help, in most places.

  I think it is more of an economic factor. If you go away to college you start to build a network else where but millions of Americans never go to college or go to local schools where you often end up with local jobs. Child care costs are real but I'd guess a huge % of folks have working parents when they start having kids themselves.

[sdlaura]

hocus2 , that makes sense - but given the responses on this thread, plenty of college educated people also live close to their parents.

Here's the piece:

www.nytimes.com/interactive/2015/12/24/upshot/24up-family.html

ETA: My parents wouldn't be doing full-time child care no matter how close I lived.  But for a lot of people I think the back-up care is huge.  Being able to help with pick-ups or drop-offs or whatever.  And I think a lot of people with non-normal hours (like nurse or firefighter or the like) can avoid paying for full-time childcare by staggering schedules and having the grandparents help here and there, even if the grandparents are still working.

[freezorburn]

Is it important that you live near family?
My parents are manipulative boundary-stompers, so having physical distance from them helps me to manage the relationship. However they are retired and are thinking of moving nearby, so things could get interesting.

Do you live near family?
My brother lives about 20 minutes away but we don't see much of him. Parents still live in my hometown back east.

If no, did you move away from them or did they move away from you?
I moved away. Left for college and never looked back.

What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?)
My brother is a doctor, sister is in healthcare management.

Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown?
My number one priority is to raise DS to live an independent and healthy life. I hope that includes having a healthy relationship with me. And I want to be able to provide for my own retirement. Who knows whether economic realities will mean that we live nearby or in different places.

[mellym]

This is timely as I had a dream last night that my brother and his family moved to Iowa last night. I was a crying mess begging them not to go in the dream.

Is it important that you live near family? Yes, my brother has always been one of my best friends and we hang out as families often. My parents and in laws help us out a lot with babysitting on weekends and with sick kids. Only my FIL is fully retired but he's in his 70s and not all there after his stroke so he never watches them alone. They don't help us with daily childcare since they're still working themselves. I can't wait for my Mom to retire in 2 years though.

Do you live near family? My parents and brother are 35 minutes away and In Laws are 20 minutes. Not close but not too far to make a day trip so it's perfect.
If no, did you move away from them or did they move away from you? We've talked about moving to a warmer climate but I don't think I could do it with kids and starting our network over at this stage of life.

What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?) My brother lives 3 minutes from my parents. BIL1 works construction and travels all over the US for months at a time but his parents' house is his home base in between projects. We see him a few times a year. BIL2 lived with his parents until 6 months ago. I think MIL would love it if we all lived with her in a compound.

Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown? I hope so but I wouldn't put pressure on them to stay.

[shakinros]

Is it important that you live near family?
Do you live near family?

It would be nice, but it’s not that important to us because it’s not what we’re used to. We moved to the east coast 5yrs ago to be closer, but it’s still far enough that a day trip is out of the question. My parents are a 3hr plane ride away. In-laws are a 2hr drive. Sometimes I wish any of them were close enough to help with the day-to-day but I don’t think it’s worth the trade off.

If no, did you move away from them or did they move away from you?

Moved away for college and never went back. Same for DH.

What have other people in your immediate family grown up do? (Did your siblings move? Stay? Something else?)

My brother and SIL are in the DC area. Still 2hr flight from my parents. DH’s sisters live in the town he grew up in, as do all his aunts and uncles and most of his cousins. We’re the black sheep in that respect and they remind us of that all the time.

Do you anticipate living near your children when they're grown?

I hope so. It’s up to her though! I guess we could consider moving near her when she’s settled but I don’t want to smother.