Post by sunflower17 on May 14, 2019 11:53:30 GMT -5
DD is 15 months in toddler room. There’s a boy “K” who is about 21 months old. He’s one of the bigger kids in the class. He has misbehaved daily in fri y of both me and H. Although he actually hung in H’s leg one evening at pick up. I witnessed him push a little girl twice yesterday and the second time she fell and cried. The teacher was walking over to intervene, but I couldn’t help to say No, we don’t hit! Probably not my place, but it’s not acceptable behavior. Anyway, several teachers and floaters have even called him a bully and commented that this is chronic behavior for him and his parents laugh it off. According to them he sits on other kids, pushes and doesn’t listen, stands on tables etc. At this time, would you say something to the office? Am I overreacting? I’m concerned for the other kids including dd.
First of all, kids at this age are not bullies. I do think it is inappropriate for the teachers to call him one, especially to other parents. They should not be talking to you at all about this child's behavior. Even when it directly affects your child, they should not mention which child it is. That would get a mention from me to the director.
Second of all, we did have a similar issue in E1's toddler class at his first daycare. We did not intervene with this child's behavior unless it was directly impacting E1 in front of us. The teachers are there, they are handling it, it is their job. Let them do it.
Post by countthestars on May 14, 2019 12:02:00 GMT -5
The worst part to me is that the teachers are telling you that the kid is a bully. What he's doing is developmentally appropriate and I wouldn't be happy if our daycare was talking about kids to other parents.
I'm not sure what else you want them to do? What would you even say? If the teachers are intervening it sounds like they know that he needs to work on this.
Yeah, that is super fucked up that the teachers not only called him a bully but did it in front of you and were shit talking a 21 month old and his parents. THAT is what I'd be mentioning to the director. Has he actually hurt another child? Of course, he shouldn't be pushing, but he's also a really little kid. I think you're being a little bit dramatic, to be honest. A kid threw a heavy puzzle piece at my kid's face last week at gymnastics. I wasn't pumped about it and that was a situation where he actually got hurt. But I also recognize that this was a barely 2 year old and didn't go demanding they pull the kid from gymnastics or anything. I'm sure the teachers are working on it and something would be done if this kid was an actual safety concern. I don't know, I'm feeling very defensive for this not even 2 year old and getting rambly about it.
Post by steamboat185 on May 14, 2019 12:24:01 GMT -5
He’s not even two. Kids push, throw things, and hit. It’s not great, but it’s pretty normal. The teachers should not be talking to you about another child.
Man, I feel bad for this kid. His teachers aren't on his team, they make it sound like his parents don't do much, and the teachers are talking in a way that they've given up on a TWENTY ONE MONTH OLD just because he's "difficult." My god at bad mouthing him to other parents because he "doesn't listen." OF COURSE HE DOESN'T! He's little!
Would you feel this way if it was a kid that was biting? That's also developmentally normal and kids come home with bite marks/scratches all the time.
First of all, kids at this age are not bullies. I do think it is inappropriate for the teachers to call him one, especially to other parents. They should not be talking to you at all about this child's behavior. Even when it directly affects your child, they should not mention which child it is. That would get a mention from me to the director.
Second of all, we did have a similar issue in E1's toddler class at his first daycare. We did not intervene with this child's behavior unless it was directly impacting E1 in front of us. The teachers are there, they are handling it, it is their job. Let them do it.
Yep. I reread the OP hoping that you were incensed about how the staff were acting so unprofessionally, but I'm pretty sure that’s not what you were posting to ask about.
I would definitely bring bring this up to the director - the staff clearly need some help here on both how to interact with parents, and maybe on how to help this kid. But unless it’s directly related to a specific incident/concern with your DD then butt out.
Ditto that I'd be more concerned about the teachers badmouthing him like this to you, and gossiping about his parents, than the actual behavior. That's really unprofessional. And pretty mean to boot.
I mean, yeah, it's not ideal what he's doing, but it's par for the course with that age. If they're stepping in and handling it IDK what else they're supposed to do.
As a parent to a 22 month year old who is the biggest in his class, both in size, age and abilities, I am often the one who is being told by the teacher that my kid is doing some of the stuff you described. His teachers do not say it in a way that makes me feel like he is a bully, but they do provide some help for us to help him while at home. We work on not hitting when he is upset (again, this behavior is normal), not kicking or sitting on kids that are smaller than him (again normal--he is not doing it out of malice, just for attention) etc. In the past he used to bite and we really worked on that a lot with him and the phase fortunately lasted a short while.
IT is mortifying to know your kid is hurting other kids. It would be even more mortifying to know my son's teachers were talking about him to other parents. Even in the past if my kid was bit, hurt, etc, I was never allowed to know what child did it for privacy reasons. The fact that your daycare teachers said any of this to you is inappropriate.
Kids cannot be bullies at that age, they are just testing their limits and exploring new ways to communicate and use their bodies. Sometimes it is aggressive and that needs to be worked on, but unless your kid is actually being hurt on a regular basis, I would not at all be concerned.
Yeah, the parents probably "laugh it off" because they realize their child is acting like a normal 21 month old and aren't overly concerned.
I have a friend who's son is very mild, well behaved, etc etc etc. Then their DD... they've both commented on how she's just her own brand of energy. I've seen them correct her, deflect, even punish her - but damn, the girl is a spitfire and lives life with a huge grin on her face.
Some kids are just more physical and active than other kids. And yes, at 21 months they are going to hit and push. OF COURSE teachers and parents should be correcting and working on teaching the child what is and isn't acceptable. BUT IT"S STILL GOING TO HAPPEN!!
Yeah, the parents probably "laugh it off" because they realize their child is acting like a normal 21 month old and aren't overly concerned.
I have a friend who's son is very mild, well behaved, etc etc etc. Then their DD... they've both commented on how she's just her own brand of energy. I've seen them correct her, deflect, even punish her - but damn, the girl is a spitfire and lives life with a huge grin on her face.
Some kids are just more physical and active than other kids. And yes, at 21 months they are going to hit and push. OF COURSE teachers and parents should be correcting and working on teaching the child what is and isn't acceptable. BUT IT"S STILL GOING TO HAPPEN!!
Yep. My kid went through a hitting phase. He would get mad and hit, would sometimes just walk up and hit me just to test his limits. I corrected him every time. Doesn't mean it stopped. Eventually he just randomly stopped doing it.
I think the saying "if they'll say it to you, they'll say it about you" really applies here. If it doesn't bother you that they're badmouthing and have given up on a 21 month old in their care, you should start thinking about the fact that they are definitely saying stuff about you and your daughter to other parents. That's the issue I would address here.
Yeah, this is pissing me right off because this is 100% my son. He is physical, he is impulsive, he is loud. He was like that at 21 months and still is, as a 5 year old with an ADHD diagnosis. It is inappropriate and completely out of line for the teacher to be discussing his behavior with you.
Trust - the parents of this child already knows all of this about their own kid - the good, the bad, the ugly (and if the daycare is already calling him a bully to you, they likely only tell the parents the terrible things about their child's day. We had stretches of days/weeks where I never heard one good comment about DS, only terrible things. It's horrible). They likely hear about it daily. They likely feel really badly. They're likely trying everything they can.
When we received a not good report, we acknowledged the concerns. We tried to be on the same page with daycare for methods or techniques for redirecting and reinforcing good behavior.
But in reality, if you hear your kid threw a book at a friend at 11am... there's not much to do with a 21 month old. You can't disapline a 21 month old hours later. They don't understand or make the connection to the previous past behavior. We had reminders and made sure DS knew the rules to the best of our ability, sang songs about hands are not for hitting and read books about being a safe & responsible friend. But there's only so much we could do when we weren't with him for that 8-9hr stretch of time while he was at daycare.
Oooh I'm heated. WTF.
ETA: ALSO THIS IS ALL AGE APPROPRIATE. It gets better as language skills improve and impulse control improves.
SERIOUSLY! I am so angry about this and I have a kid who's pretty mild mannered and always on the RECEIVING end of others being physical. I still know that it's not because a 2 year old is a "bad kid." I AM VERY MAD.
Post by sunflower17 on May 14, 2019 13:11:56 GMT -5
Thanks for the input. Yes I did think it was a bit unusual for them to speak like this to me, but I guess I didn’t really dwell on it. You’ve made some good points here that it really is not professional to do so. I know this and I’m not sure why it didn’t really raise a flag for me, so thank you. This is why I post here. My daughter was bitten when she was in a younger room at daycare and I don’t know which child did it for privacy reasons. I was upset about it, but I know these things can happen. We all want our children in a safe environment. I worry about her, as all parents worry about their children. As a FTM, navigating these scenarios is new to me.
Post by undecidedowl on May 14, 2019 13:29:17 GMT -5
So a toddler is acting like a toddler? Yes, you are over-reacting in the wrong direction. The child is the least of the problems here. The teachers should not be reporting his behavior to you, calling him names, or gossiping about the parents reactions. Hell, maybe the parents were laughing in the faces of teachers who don't know how to handle a toddler. This poor kid has been fast tracked as a bully before he can even say the word bully-that is the real concern.
As the mom of a boy with ADHD, I do get super eye-rolly about all the posts here where parents are so worried about their kids safety because of "the impulsive kid who always bites", "the big kid in the room" or "the very aggressive boy." If it's a real danger, then you should obviously be talking to the center, not asking people here. But in most cases, the center is handling it appropriately, the parents are doing everything they can, and your child is going to live through a bite or bruise or the threat of one. Quit labeling these poor kids as "bullies" and let the appropriate adults do their jobs. End rant.
Thanks for the input. Yes I did think it was a bit unusual for them to speak like this to me, but I guess I didn’t really dwell on it. You’ve made some good points here that it really is not professional to do so. I know this and I’m not sure why it didn’t really raise a flag for me, so thank you. This is why I post here. My daughter was bitten when she was in a younger room at daycare and I don’t know which child did it for privacy reasons. I was upset about it, but I know these things can happen. We all want our children in a safe environment. I worry about her, as all parents worry about their children. As a FTM, navigating these scenarios is new to me.
I get that, but it sounds like a bunch of teachers unprofessionally complaining over a *GASP* 21 month old that doesn't listen. Just take a second and imagine what you'd feel like if they were doing that to your kid who, even if she "acts up" or is physical sometimes certainly isn't a problem child. A kid being pushed does not mean that they're in an unsafe environment.
Also, there's a guy at my work who had his kid kicked out of daycare. I can only imagine it was for aggressive behavior (because what else would you kick a kid out of daycare for?). So I'm sure that if this were an actual problem and not just making the teachers' day a little more difficult, they would be doing something about it. If you don't think they're capable of keeping your kid safe, then there are bigger issues with this daycare.
I'm a FTM of a toddler too. There's a lot of things that I don't know, and things I probably worry about unnecessarily. But my kid getting pushed or hit or bitten from time to time at daycare is just not one of them. It's going to happen. It's normal. Your kid might do it to others from time to time too, especially as she gets a bit older. (Mine definitely does, even though we talk to him about being kind and not hitting literally every single day, multiple times a day.) I think this is one of those things you should try to shrug off, because it's bound to cause you a lot of anxiety otherwise.
It feels like almost every day either my two year old bit someone or someone bit him. There is one girl in there who bites and sometimes my kid bites back. Sometimes he bites her because she took a toy or whatever. They generally do not get along and they don't know understand enough to know what to do about it. Rinse. Repeat.
Every day I have a version of this conversation with him: Me: Did you bite Friend? DS: Yes. Me: Are you supposed to bite? DS: Yes! Me: No. No biting. It's not nice. It hurts our friends. Should we hurt our friends? DS: No. Biting not nice! Me: That's right! What are you going to do if Friend takes a toy tomorrow? DS: BITE! Me: No! No bite! DS: Bite.
..............
There is no actual danger here. I'd always rather my kid GET bitten than be the biter. DS1 was never a biter. Kids are different.
It feels like almost every day either my two year old bit someone or someone bit him. There is one girl in there who bites and sometimes my kid bites back. Sometimes he bites her because she took a toy or whatever. They generally do not get along and they don't know understand enough to know what to do about it. Rinse. Repeat.
Every day I have a version of this conversation with him: Me: Did you bite Friend? DS: Yes. Me: Are you supposed to bite? DS: Yes! Me: No. No biting. It's not nice. It hurts our friends. Should we hurt our friends? DS: No. Biting not nice! Me: That's right! What are you going to do if Friend takes a toy tomorrow? DS: BITE! Me: No! No bite! DS: Bite.
..............
There is no actual danger here. I'd always rather my kid GET bitten than be the biter. DS1 was never a biter. Kids are different.
I'm sorry I snorted at this, but it's kind of hilarious.
I have that kid. He's 3 now and still is very physical. His current favorite is dumping any and all water he finds. And throwing his sippy cup. And playing rough with other kids. We've been working on it at age appropriate levels for the last 1.5 years. It's getting better... some days. I mentioned it to his pedi at his 3 yr appt. He reassured me my DS is a normal threenager with little to no impulse control.
Yes, you are overreacting and much like everyone else in this thread, this entire thing is pissing me off. I would be LIVID with those teachers. How would you feel if (& it’s more like WHEN) your child does this, they point her out to other parents and say, “Yeah, she’s a real problem”?
We all want our children in a safe environment. I worry about her, as all parents worry about their children. As a FTM, navigating these scenarios is new to me.
I get it. From my perspective, I feel it’s easy to see that you’re overreacting (well, really just overreacting to the wrong problem)...but sometimes that’s hard to see when you’re in the midst of it.
She’s not in an unsafe environment. It sounds like she’s in a safe, fairly controlled environment with other toddlers who do toddler things. As much as we’d like to think we’d like to keep our little ones in a bubble so nothing ever happens to them, that’s not what’s best for them. I’m not saying I want any child to be pushed, bitten, hit, or sat on...but it’s just going to happen. We can’t protect them, but we can place them with people who we trust to handle those inevitable situations appropriately and start teaching our kids how to deal with tough situations. She’s not too little to start learning to say “no”, remove herself from situations, or get help from an adult. (And if she’s too young for that, then the 21 month old is also too young to be expected to exercise impulse control at any level.)
Also, the parents may not be able to address it at home. Sometimes kids do things in groups of kids that they’d never do at home. And if it’s an only child with parents who don’t actively seek out play dates during their limited non-work awake hours, parents don’t have a chance to address it. And if you know your child has already been labeled “that kid” by the teachers, do you really want to seek out MORE challenging situations on the weekends when you just want to enjoy time with your family. Being a parent is HARD. Please try to give them the benefit of the doubt.
I’d be extremely unhappy with a teacher of ANY age using the word “bully” about another child in the class, especially by name. I don’t care if they’re in high school...it’s not appropriate. And a toddler?!? Infuriating. If we’re calling essentially babies “bullies” 1) how do we expect them to grow up to be anything other than that? and 2) What do we call behaviors that are targeted and purposeful when they’re older to distinguish from developmentally appropriate, albeit undesirable, behavior?
I have that kid. He's 3 now and still is very physical. His current favorite is dumping any and all water he finds. And throwing his sippy cup. And playing rough with other kids. We've been working on it at age appropriate levels for the last 1.5 years. It's getting better... some days. I mentioned it to his pedi at his 3 yr appt. He reassured me my DS is a normal threenager with little to no impulse control.
Yep, been there.
Smug moms (usually of daughters*) who think they are better parents because their children are of different temperaments are the worst**
*not always, obviously
**not really but kind of, and in the same vein as a daycare teacher who would call a 21 month old a bully.
I have that kid. He's 3 now and still is very physical. His current favorite is dumping any and all water he finds. And throwing his sippy cup. And playing rough with other kids. We've been working on it at age appropriate levels for the last 1.5 years. It's getting better... some days. I mentioned it to his pedi at his 3 yr appt. He reassured me my DS is a normal threenager with little to no impulse control.
Yep, mine too. And he's one of the smallest in his class. We talk about it all the time, it's not nice to hit or push our friends. But that does not make my child a bully.
First of all, kids at this age are not bullies. I do think it is inappropriate for the teachers to call him one, especially to other parents. They should not be talking to you at all about this child's behavior. Even when it directly affects your child, they should not mention which child it is. That would get a mention from me to the director.
Second of all, we did have a similar issue in E1's toddler class at his first daycare. We did not intervene with this child's behavior unless it was directly impacting E1 in front of us. The teachers are there, they are handling it, it is their job. Let them do it.
I completely agree with this and it really bothers me that they have labeled this child a bully and are discussing his behavior in front of parents.
Any time anything has happened to one of my kids at school, the teacher tells me "DS1 was bitten by a friend today" or "a friend pushed DS2 and he got a scratch on his hand." They never provide even the gender of the child. The language is also generally quite forgiving. I.e. "One of our friends was having a hard time today and pushed DS1." These things are only told to us when it requires an incident report because there was some sort of physical mark left on my kid. This alone would cause me to have a conversation with the director. I don't want them talking about my kid to other parents, so they shouldn't be talking about this kid.