Some days I would love nothing more than to just get up and go to work like the old days. I finallu had a job I loved, and frankly I was good at it. I cried when I have my notice. Plus all that adult conversation and friendship.
Most days though, I think life is pretty good. I do imagine it will get easier as the children are older and better entertain themselves. It's pretty mundane right now with an 18m old and a newborn anyday.
If the job is sucking the life out of you, whether it is cushy or not doesn’t really matter.
How old are your kids? I SAHed for the first year after DD1 was born and it was not for me, but I think it would be way different if kids are older vs a baby. Especially if they are school age. So while I didn’t regret it, I went back pretty fast. I’m working part time now and I like it, but I do sometimes feel sad that I lost any career trajectory I had. I’m now on a much different path since I took a role well below my skills. I’ll also say that I didn’t realize how much of my ego was based on my career success until I gave it up. It has done a number on my confidence and I still struggle with it.
But, if you are unhappy and thinking about SAH, I’d go for it. It can always be temporary. I was out of the workforce for a year and went back pretty easily. I’ve seen a lot of other moms in my area do it as well. It’s very different to go back after a year or two than like 10 years out of the workforce. At the same time, my boss’s wife just went back to work as an engineer after 18 years at home. Just because you take some time off now doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind later.
No. I don't regret it. I only regret that I was so isolated during DS' first year. Once DS hit 16 months old I found mom friends, he was napping better, and I started doing activities for DS & myself it became pretty ok and even fun most days. I'm currently in threenager throwing sippy cups, dumping water and rough play hell so right now is kind of miserable in those regards. But there are so many sweet moments to even that out. I did go back to work very PT when DS was 16 months old. I substitute for my school district as a para. I was a preschool teacher for my school district before DS was born and plan to jump back in full time when DS goes to kinder in August 2021. Not in preschool like before, but at the elementary school level where I currently sub.
Not for one second. Oh my gosh, I have so many feelings about this, but will try to keep it short.
I wanted to SAH really since my oldest was born but kept working for 4.5 more years, until my third baby was just over a year old. I felt like I was just sticking it out for so long. I feel guilty sometimes b/c there is so much emphasis now on how women can do everything/working is great/you should not quit your job. I felt like I "should" want to work, but I didn't enjoy it. I did not really feel like myself at my job and resented the restrictions on my time and the stress of being pulled in different directions. I also have a DH who has long and unpredictable hours so many things were getting harder and harder for me to handle on my own.
I love being at home. I don't know how we'd do half the things we do if I were still working. I like being here when my kids get on & off the bus. On nice days, my kids can play outside after school. I can take them to all the crazy activities that start well before I would have gotten home from work. We can do a lot of fun things in summer, and they can all be home together.
I don't regret it for a second. My youngest is 4 now, and it makes me sad how fast the time is going, and I am so very happy I've had this time with her, and with all the kids. My bigs are getting so big. As I get older myself (44), I feel more and more how fleeting this time in my life is and I want to make the most of it. My only regret is that I didn't leave sooner. Sometimes I have dreams that I am back at work, but then in the dream I realize that I'm just volunteering and can leave at any time, and I feel relieved!
There are definitely challenges to SAH, but it's a great choice for me. I guess my point is you really have to know yourself as you think about how you'd react to being home.
I enjoy being a SAHM about 80% of the time. The other 20% of the time, being a SAHM is boring, isolating and lonely - but when I had a career, I was overworked and stressed. Being bored is better for me than stressed, so I'll be a SAHM for the foreseeable future.
Post by mccallister84 on May 17, 2019 14:51:21 GMT -5
1000% no. Honestly I’m in awe of working moms.
Now, do I love it 100% of the time? Absolutely not but I can’t imagine juggling the girls and work. I can’t imagine working the way I used to before I had the girls.
And I’m not going to lie it is pretty nice being at the playground with friends on a beautiful spring day rather than at work.
Financially, I am not sure we would be much better off if I worked between daycare, outsourcing and my additional needs.
Post by timorousbeastie on May 17, 2019 15:10:21 GMT -5
Throughout childhood/adulthood pre-kids, I never wanted to be a SAHM. But by the time I got pregnant with DD, I was so horribly burnt out with my job that I decided to give it a shot. I worked up until a week before she was born. 5 years later, I still am so much happier that I’m not at that job any more. There are definitely bad days that I really wish I could just get a break, but never enough that I want to go back to work. If/when I go back to work, it will have to be an entirely different field - the thought of going back to the soul crushing work I was doing before gives me nightmares.
I have never regretted it, and I think our lives have been so much better and less stressful because of it. (My husband has a long commute and is gone 11+ hours a day) It was a difficult transition because there are no bonuses, raises, or stellar performance reviews that I used to get at work. In fact, as mother, you're not allowed to be better at it than anyone else! I've been home for almost 9 years and this year is the first time I started feeling like I needed something else, something I do unrelated to this family. I don't feel like I've lost something, just like I'm ready for something different. So even at this point - no, no regrets.
I've been out of full time work since 2009 and there are times I wish we had more money to travel more or to remodel our home, but overall I'm glad this is the life we chose. I occasionally do freelance work so it's not like I've given up that side of me completely and I can jump back into a position if necessary. I am super glad I'm there for the kids after school and for them to be able to do all the activities that they want to do. I volunteer at school, know their teacher's well, and let them have lots of playdates. It's also nice to take some of the homefront/child burden off of DH so he can focus on work. But I should probably preface this to say that I've never been terribly ambitious and that most of the home front duties would have fallen on me anyway due to DH's work-a-holic nature. I did have a good job as a corporate accountant/CPA, but I never liked it much.
My girls are now 10 and 7 and to be honest I think it's even more important to be home in the next several years. I may try to ramp up my freelance/part-time gigs, but having to be in an office everyday sounds dreadful.
No. I regret not getting my kids into classes/play groups more when they were little. I was overwhelmed (because twins and FTM and all that). I don’t regret quitting my FT job though. That said, after 3y I started freelancing PT and that was a big help when I decided to go back to work (after 5y of freelancing). I think if I had not worked at all for 8y I would have had a very difficult time finding a job and that may have caused me to regret quitting.
Post by scribellesam on May 17, 2019 15:40:27 GMT -5
I left my job seven years ago when my first son was born, and I’ve never once wanted to go back to work, even on my hardest SAHM day. I hated my career (lawyer) and working in general, though - I can’t stand being in an office all day, it made me miserable.
Getting to make my own schedule, spend a lot of time outside and keep the household in order is very satisfying for me. I also have an autistic son with extra support needs, so it’s nice to have the time and mental bandwidth to deal with that. We’re very lucky that we don’t need two parents to financially support our family, so I can continue staying at home. I’d like to do more volunteer work once both kids are in elementary school but I don’t see myself returning to regular work hours barring some catastrophic event.
12 years in and we're still very happy with our decision. We have a slightly atypical situation- H started working from home exclusively when our eldest was 3mo, so I have always had extra hands around when I needed them- and he's never doubted how exhausting my days were, because he was here (even if the vast majority of the workload fell on me).
It was a good time to leave my previous career (DoD), almost everyone I cared about left shortly after and I most definitely would not want to be working for this shitshow. I volunteer in my community a LOT these days, am active in the kid's schools, and have had lots of selfish time to develop hobbies and learn new things. The volunteer hours keep me busy and keep my soul happy, help me feel connected to our greater community and may eventually point towards future work- but, no plans for the immediate future.
Post by imojoebunny on May 17, 2019 16:09:23 GMT -5
Been home for 13 years. Do not regret it. DH and I did the same thing, at similar levels, both jobs with no flexibility, and frequent 50, and occasionally, 60 hour weeks. We made the choice, while I was on maternity leave. DH got a new job that paid better. My 1st was a sickly kid, and it was recommended she not go to daycare, at least in the short term. DH was capable of moving up quickly, and wanted to do so. He makes a lot more now, than we both made together, and has had a number of opportunities to take on roles he would not have been able to do, if I was working, too, and he had to carry a more equal part of the home/kid load. I have plenty of friends who have gone back to work after 10 or 12 years home, maybe not to where they would be, had they kept working, but not entry level either. I, also, know men who have made the same choice to SAH, and their wives are the ones going to work, and they, too, have been happy with their situations.
My cavot to this, is that we mutually agreed to early on to save/invest a pretty high percentage of our income. After we had kids, early on, it was hard, since we were making less than we made before, but as DH moved up and made more, it is no longer a struggle. Had he not moved up or followed through with the financial security aspect that I wanted, I would most likely be writing a different post.
Post by humpforfree on May 17, 2019 16:24:43 GMT -5
No. No. Nope.
I’ve had times where I’m at the end of my rope and just like OMG, occasionally I miss the actual work that I did, but I have no desire to go back to interacting with a boss or clients, or doing PM stuff. It would be nice to have more disposable income and not worry/feel guilty about spending as much, but the flexibility right now is invaluable.
If I was working I’d be so stressed out with commuting and clients, etc. I wouldn’t have the time to coordinate family stuff (that all falls to me, other stuff is H’s territory, but coordination, scheduling, medical calls, etc are all me). I take the kids on field trips during the week when I don’t have to worry as much about crowds, I’ll be able to help as much as I want in their classes.... Plus I’m just peacing out and taking them to my parents lake house for a couple of weeks this summer. I’d never have enough vacation time ever to do that. (All of my jobs ive only ever had 2 weeks of vacation-maybe go to 3 weeks after 5-10 years, which is pretty hard to get to in my field/area, plus only 3 days sick- impossible to deal with kids with that.)
I don’t regret it but now that my kids are 7 and 3 I feel like it’s time to go back to work. I quit when my oldest turned 1. Going back is going to be pretty difficult I imagine and i have no clue who to use as references. I have zero desire to SAH when they’re both in full time school so sometimes I wish I powered through and kept working so I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Post by expectantsteelerfan on May 17, 2019 16:42:21 GMT -5
I don't regret it, because I know it was the best choice for our family and circumstances (dh was active duty military from the time ds was born till when ds was 5 and dd was 3). But I also didn't really enjoy it.
For me, I was in a career I didn't enjoy and knew I didn't want to go back to full time (teaching). I now have balance and flexibility by substituting 1 or 2 days a week, and I really enjoy this, but this was also the first year that both my kids were in school all day.
So overall, I think it was good for my kids, and it wasn't detrimental to my career because I wasn't going back to work full-time in that field anyway, but it was rough on me and if I did have a job I liked or wanted to return to that taking a long hiatus from would have hurt, I might have thought differently.
NOPE. In fact, every time I take a consulting gig , I’m relieved when it ends. It’s not the work, just the stress of always being busy and managing the logistics of it all.
I quit my job and took a year off, heading back part time now at the end of this month.
I don’t regret it at all and am incredibly grateful for the opportunity. But I always planned to return to the workforce in some capacity. I very much want to protect my career and have mixed feelings about the actual work part right now. Going part time is really helping me feel comfortable with the separation.
Is it an option for you to take time off, explore what it is you want, and return to the workforce if you do end up missing it?
No. Some days are certainly better than others, some days, I counted the minutes until bedtime, and many days, I still miss my old job, but I do not regret it. (I was in a career and job that I loved and was never one who dreamed of being a SAHM.) I left a great job with a good salary, but I chose the field partially because it’s so open to people taking time off for family and then returning to the workforce. I always knew that I could change my mind at any point and have a full-time job almost immediately (in the field, though not guaranteed to be an area that I love).
My youngest is in his last week of preschool, and all I can feel is gratitude. I am so, so thankful I’ve had this extra time with them. It went way too fast. Those first few years were so very hard at times, but the best thing I did was immerse myself in MOPS and other mom groups...for my sanity and theirs! I would have been miserable without the mom community that I formed around myself. My H and I joke that I’m a “SAHM” by name only. We’re rarely home. But we’re not out at expensive lessons and activities, we’re meeting friends other places or we’re at one of the local libraries or something else free like that. (And 2x/week, that has always involved me having adult conversations while my kids were in another room being watched/taught by others...plus preschool days once they were old enough.)
I love that staying at home has given me the opportunity to volunteer for a lot of different stuff, make meals for friends, drop everything and go help someone who needs it, watch a friend’s kid, make the stupid cut-out sugar cookies for school that most people don’t have the time to do, etc. After my youngest turned about 2, I found myself saying “I have the time” often. I love being able to help friends, schools, and organizations that I love. Next year, when DS2 is in school full-time, I look forward to being a “100+ hour volunteer” at their school again. It’s a big school, but being there often makes it feel a whole lot smaller!
The stress level at our home is generally very comfortable and we are rarely rushed anywhere. My H has been working lots of crazy hours the last 2 months, and it hasn’t been a huge issue. He normally does a lot around the house, too, so I’ve had to pick up more of that, but it’s not in addition to working a bunch of hours myself. (I do work PT now, but I’m only in the office when DS2 is in school and the rest I can do wherever, whenever, so I still consider myself a SAHM.)
I think a HUGE part of all of this is having the full support of my H. He respects me so much for what I do and what I gave up for our family. He reminds me that I am smart, talented, and have so much to offer this world, not just my family. He credits me for a lot of his success at work (since me being home means he almost never needs to miss work for sick kids, appointments, etc., he can work late on occasion, if needed, my decreased stress level means there’s lower stress in our home, and more). He still does a lot of stuff around the house and never expects a clean house and a meal on the table when he gets home. He encourages me to do things for myself (whether it’s time away by myself, with friends, or a little retail therapy). Without all of that, my response to this question would be very different!
I wouldn’t have answered so confidently at other times in this SAHM journey, but as I’m finishing up this chapter in life, I can look back and say with full confidence that this was the best decision for my family. Financially the best? No. But we are lucky that my H has a job that allows us to live as comfortably as we desire (which is not at all fancy). Yes, we could have MORE money in savings, but we’re comfortable with what we have. The trade-off was worth it for us.
There have been many times that I have thought, “I am looking forward to my kids both being in school.” But now that time has come...and I’m not ready. This has been a challenging, but overall fun and amazing chapter of my life.
ALL THAT SAID...staying at home is NOT the best choice for every family. There are many small pieces to my SAHM puzzle that, had they not been there, I would have not been nearly as happy with the decision. I have all the respect for working moms. The absolute truth is that I don’t think I have what it takes to do it successfully.
Good luck figuring out what’s best for your family! Know that regardless of what you decide to do, there will ALWAYS be days that you second guess your decision. Everyone does. It’s normal and does NOT mean that you made the wrong decision...it just means that you’re always re-evaluating your situation.
I realized today that I have no desire to go back and no regrets, because the gal who replaced me just recently left the position. A few people have reached out to me and suggested I come back, and I was telling H today how I feel like, no way, or at least they'd have to pay me a lot more. H asked what price I'd do it for, and I thought for a minute and decided that nope, there was no price that would make me want to go back.
I do freelance work now, and I do have a few times of the year that are quite busy and everything with routine/meals/clean house just flies out the window, and I'm really stressed for a few weeks. The rest of the time it's very part-time work for me, most days I am home.
I like the routine my daughter and I found. We do a lot of activities, I've found fun classes and library events, etc. Most days we have something on our agenda, so I'm definitely not the type of SAHM that is always at home, and I think that's why I've never found it lonely or isolating. We'll see how everything develops now that baby #2 is here..
DD is 8. I have no regrets at all. Talk to me when she’s 18 and headed to college but staying home has been the best thing for our family. I always thought I’d go back when she started school full time but turns out parenting just gets harder and nope.
Not one bit. I worked up until DS3 was born and was just done. It was so draining dealing with work crap on top of kid crap, and it’s so much nicer to just focus on my personal life now. I was worried I would hate it and be lonely because I’m an introvert, but I actually love not having to be around people when I don’t want to be. It was 100% the right decision for me. The only thing I miss is the work friends I had, but it’s easy enough to meet up with them every once in awhile.
Post by wesleycrusher on May 17, 2019 21:10:03 GMT -5
I stayed at home starting when I was pregnant with DD until she turned 2 (she's 6 now). I don't regret that I tried it- I was burnt out at my job, I had always thought I would really enjoy it and DH and I had always planned that I stay at home...but I ended up hating it. I went back to work in a job that pays less than I had been making, but is way easier and works better for our family.
Nope, not at all. Don’t get me wrong, I miss that part of my life. I truly do. I had a job I was good at, a company I had been with for a long time, and coworkers I loved. I brainstorm from time to time to figure out how I can fill the void (maybe project based stuff? Maybe volunteering?) while I stay at home. We’ll see. I definitely plan to return to work in some capacity when kid#2 (currently 11 wks pregnant) is two-ish .
The flip side is that if I was at work, I’d be missing all of this time with dd. I went back for a year after she was born. (Literally. My last day was the same week I returned from ML the previous year.) I had a chance to see both sides of it, and that helps me feel like this was the right call. I never imagined I would be a SAHM. This is not a dream come true for me. In my mind, both choices come with sacrifices, but I am more ok with sacrificing my career for awhile than I am with sacrificing this time with dd. I am never going to look back and say that I wish I had spent less time with my kid. I feel so fortunate to have this time with her.
It has also helped a ton with life balance for us. We get to eat dinner together as a family. DH gets to spend more time with dd because we’re not doing the daycare shuffle. When he travels, we can go with him. DH was 100% supportive with whatever I decided, but this was a good call for our family.
I’ve been a SAHM for 9 years now - since I got pregnant with DS1. I miss work but I love being able to be so involved in my kids lives and volunteer at school. I left work because DH and I agreed I needed to stay home - his job is just to demanding for both of us to work and have a family. I do most evenings and mornings alone. I loved my job but financially DH out earned me that my salary didn’t really contribute in a meaningful way.
I also have a lot of help around the house which make my “job” less stressful. I think I would go mad if every household thing like cleaning, cooking, minding the kids fell on me. My parents help a ton with driving my kids to activities and my mom does dinner for us at least once a week. My DH works a lot and fully supports me staying at home and hiring help when needed. Without that support and help I’m not sure I would cut it as a SAHM.
I guess if I were you I’d want to make sure wanting to stay home with the kids was the major factor for leaving the workforce. I’m not sure SAHM solves how you are feeling in the long term.
Post by sillygoosegirl on May 18, 2019 0:05:52 GMT -5
I'm not a SAHM, and I know this isn't the question you asked, but you say your current role is cushy, but also soul sucking. Even though it seems like a job shouldn't be both at once, I get how that can happen (mine often feels that way too). I'm guessing it also means you are valued where you are, and may have some ability to negotiate for the job to become less soul sucking. If you think that might be possible, it could be a middle road worth pursuing, rather than quitting. I know for me it helps to sometimes take a step back and remind myself I don't NEED to be there, and take some time to prioritize the aspects of my job that make me WANT to be there.