Sex. To early in the week?

[leviosa]

Is it too early in the week to talk about sex?

I’ve been married twice. Never once was sex fun/enjoyable (even after pelvic floor PT to help it be comfortable.) . I thought maybe it was partner issues, but I had sex for the first time since my divorce over the weekend. It still was super non-exciting. I was in the mood, but it was just meh. Not pleasurable at all.

Guys. I just want to have good sex. There is no way its a myth that good sex exists. What can I do to help?

[ssmjlm]

Despite PT, are there any other medical reasons? Have you talked to your gyn? What about a sex therapist?

[cleo29]

Do you know what you actually like? what feels good? What, if anything, do you miss the most when not having sex? Any particular acts?

I feel like exploring these questions is a good first start. Also, have you had any traumatic sexual experience in your past? This can impact things even years later.

[circa1978]

Good sex definitely exists. Do you masturbate? I've had some kick-ass sex but my best and most reliable climaxes are with myself, LOL.

[sonrisa]

Did you see this article? Any chance it applies?

www.nytimes.com/2019/05/12/well/live/a-little-known-skin-disease-that-can-disrupt-peoples-sex-lives.html?action=click&module=Discovery&pgtype=Homepage

[lust2hart]

Is it painful for you? Or just boring?

[msmerymac]

Do you want to have good sex because you feel something is missing? Or because people say sex is good? Is there a possibility you are asexual? This is rhetorical, but maybe something to consider.

[downtoearth]

Never had enjoyable sex? Ever? How about oral sex, is that enjoyable? Is masturbation fun?

TMI warning - I don't know that I have the best advice, but I will say that I had sex, which was enjoyable, about 200 times (with my boyfriend) before I even realized how much I was missing out on not have orgasms. I mean, sometimes it's just okay b/c I don't orgasm from penetration, but I still enjoy it, it's just not amazing and feels a little more for my partner than for me. It helped to have a partner who wanted to help me orgasm and would talk to me about it.

And if you're into self-help or info books, my friend who has a really low libido/stress around sex has talked openly about how she really liked "Come As You Are" which focusing on the stigmas and science behind women's arousal. I haven't read it, but I swear she has quoted it to us girlfriends like 10 times in the last year.

[cleo29]

May 20, 2019 12:23:06 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

Never had enjoyable sex? Ever? How about oral sex, is that enjoyable? Is masturbation fun?

TMI warning - I don't know that I have the best advice, but I will say that I had sex, which was enjoyable, about 200 times (with my boyfriend) before I even realized how much I was missing out on not have orgasms. I mean, sometimes it's just okay b/c I don't orgasm from penetration, but I still enjoy it, it's just not amazing and feels a little more for my partner than for me. It helped to have a partner who wanted to help me orgasm and would talk to me about it.

And if you're into self-help or info books, my friend who has a really low libido/stress around sex has talked openly about how she really liked "Come As You Are" which focusing on the stigmas and science behind women's arousal. I haven't read it, but I swear she has quoted it to us girlfriends like 10 times in the last year.

I am going to look for that book. has it helped her?  I definitely have a complicated past with sex and while I enjoy it and miss aspects, I have rarely known what it is to just be horny (sorry, there is no other word really lol) whether single or with someone.

[downtoearth]

May 20, 2019 12:31:14 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

May 20, 2019 12:23:06 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

Never had enjoyable sex? Ever? How about oral sex, is that enjoyable? Is masturbation fun?

TMI warning - I don't know that I have the best advice, but I will say that I had sex, which was enjoyable, about 200 times (with my boyfriend) before I even realized how much I was missing out on not have orgasms. I mean, sometimes it's just okay b/c I don't orgasm from penetration, but I still enjoy it, it's just not amazing and feels a little more for my partner than for me. It helped to have a partner who wanted to help me orgasm and would talk to me about it.

And if you're into self-help or info books, my friend who has a really low libido/stress around sex has talked openly about how she really liked "Come As You Are" which focusing on the stigmas and science behind women's arousal. I haven't read it, but I swear she has quoted it to us girlfriends like 10 times in the last year.

I am going to look for that book. has it helped her?  I definitely have a complicated past with sex and while I enjoy it and miss aspects, I have rarely known what it is to just be horny (sorry, there is no other word really lol) whether single or with someone.

Again, I haven't read it, but my friend wanted us to pick it as a book club book b/c it "made her feel normal" instead of weird. So I know she really has loved the book. As far as her sex life... it got better in many ways, but also I don't think it magically transformed her into a horny person from indifferent. It also helped her talk to her H about sex issues.

[followyourarrow]

Good sex does exist. Like others have said, have you done some self exploration and has that worked for you? If not, get some lube, different toys, and figure out what works for you. Have your partners tried multiple forms of sex and positions? I'd talk to your dr and possibly a sex therapist.

[leviosa]

I’ll try to answer some questions. Hopefully I don’t miss any.

I do fine on my own. I can climax. Just never with someone else.
And no. Not a single sexual encounter I’ve had (with another party). Has ever been good/fun. In the past sex was painfuL. I went to the physical therapist for this and she pretty much cured that problem. It is no longer painful.

PDQ: my first husband was my first partner. We waited until marriage to have sex due to the shame based purity culture. He did rape me multiple times throughout our marriage, but even before that happened, I did not find sex enjoyable. The rape is what causes severe vaginismus and made sex painful. I was hoping that working through that issue would help with my second husband. It did not. I find it boring. Even if I’m feeling aroused, sex is not really a fix for that.

All (now 3) people I’ve been with have sucked at all other forms of anything. And have been unresponsive to guidance. So that could be part of it. As for other positions, I’ve tried a few different ones. It’s not any better.

As for asexual. I am 150% naive about this, and don’t fully understand. Is it possible to feel aroused by someone, but then when it comes down to it be bored with the sex?

I have talked to my gynecologist. She says there isn’t any physical reason she can find that might cause the issue. I’m with a therapist, but we’ve only grazed the surface of this topic.

[cleo29]

I have also come to realize just how much kids tamp things down. I have one good sleeper and one who is not and who always gets out of bed, so the fear of that is always there and gets in the way of truly relaxing and enjoying things.

plus having to be quiet can be annoying. lol

[leviosa]

May 20, 2019 11:21:53 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Did you see this article? Any chance it applies?

www.nytimes.com/2019/05/12/well/live/a-little-known-skin-disease-that-can-disrupt-peoples-sex-lives.html?action=click&module=Discovery&pgtype=Homepage

It does not apply.

But this quote made me laugh a little bit. ‘Doctors often treat the vulva like a small Midwestern town that you drive through without noticing it.’

[leviosa]

May 20, 2019 13:07:18 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

I have also come to realize just how much kids tamp things down. I have one good sleeper and one who is not and who always gets out of bed, so the fear of that is always there and gets in the way of truly relaxing and enjoying things.

plus having to be quiet can be annoying. lol

Kids do cause issues. My last experience was at his place, and my kids were with their father. But they could have ruined the fun subconsciously? :-)

[wambam]

Do you think you could get off by masturbating during foreplay or after the PiV sex? I've never been able to orgasm any other way (not from lack of trying!)

[leviosa]

May 20, 2019 13:21:20 GMT -5 wambam said:

Do you think you could get off by masturbating during foreplay or after the PiV sex? I've never been able to orgasm any other way (not from lack of trying!)

Possibly during foreplay. But afterward probably not. cause it completely turns me off how bored I am. I should give that a shot.

[rubysoh0]

Honestly it sounds like you’ve just had shitty/selfish partners and nothing is wrong with you!

[Roc A Bee]

Are you just talking about penetration? I say find a partner who will help you climax via oral or using his hands first.

[ssmjlm]

I feel like we need more information, but that said, I would probably talk to someone if you have negative feelings about sex based on your post above.

Sex can be great, but you have to have partners that want the other to enjoy. If that means doing more than just penetration, so be it. Toys can be fun and make the experience more enjoyable.

[alleinesein]

How are you defining what good sex is supposed to be? What are your expectations? That could be part of the issue.

[followyourarrow]

So it sounds like maybe you haven't had good partners. A good partner should use their hands and mouth. PnV should be a very small percentage of sex, because yep, it's boring unless the position and angles are just right, and ideally after I'm shall we say, satisfied from everything else.

I do think given your background talking to your therapist about it would be helpful.

[waverly]

It sounds like a combo of the past stuff which you could try mentioning to your therapist or a sex therapist. And partners who were not trying to help you out that much.

Sex can be boring and I don’t think there is anything wrong with saying that or admitting it. But it shouldn’t be boring the entire time. Typically I think most people find it boring after orgasm, so if you aren’t having one and don’t think it will happen I can see how it would be boring the entire time because you aren’t really getting anything out of it.

[downtoearth]

It does sound like the second husband and recent partner might have been selfish or naïve (first husband was NOT naïve and is a horrible fucked-up person - sorry to say that, but I want to hit him for you).

I don't have good advice on finding an exploratory sex partner (I'm without a partner right now and have no idea how to find an unattached buddy who would help you explore this more). But if you could, that would be a great to have someone who was willing to try different things out without expecting much in return for a bit. It's hard on someone's ego to not be able to orgasm/enjoy sex or to not help someone else orgasm/enjoy sex, so it takes a lot of trust and laughter to get through this crap and wants to try different things to see why. I know it was humbling for me and my H when I was frustrated with sex about a year after we started having it. Without a partner, I would just try things out on my own with different techniques and vibrators - oh and read erotic stories or something (porn doesn't do it for me... I need lust, love, and backstory).

Obviously all of this in addition to you also talking with your therapist about the mental hesitations you might still have.

[leviosa]

May 20, 2019 14:16:34 GMT -5 Roc A Bee said:

Are you just talking about penetration? I say find a partner who will help you climax via oral or using his hands first.

I’m talking about any sort of sex. Oral, hands, penetration. The build up is fun. But once we’re actually in it, it is boring/doesn’t feel good. None of it. It doesn’t feel bad, it’s just not pleasurable.

I suppose it’s possible I have had shitty partners all along. Maybe I need to experiment more. 3 partners isn’t exactly a good pool to judge from. I’m not in any sort of relationship. I’ve seen this guy a couple times. Nothing super serious.

I have admittedly never tried toys. My ex’s were kind of prudes. But I wouldn’t know even where to start. So does anyone have recommendations? Am I allowed to ask for recommendations for sex toys?

[leviosa]

May 20, 2019 14:24:20 GMT -5 alleinesein said:

How are you defining what good sex is supposed to be? What are your expectations? That could be part of the issue.

At this point I’m just thinking something should feel good? I just want it to feel good. I don’t even care how. . That is my expectation. I don’t even care if I orgasm. Okay, i would like that, but I also just want to know I can enjoy doing it with someone. I just want some part of the process to feel good.

[steph96]

Do you enjoy masturbation?

[circa1978]

No. 8

www.buzzfeed.com/ignaciafulcher/sex-toys-you-can-get-on-sale-right-now-april-5-2018-1?origin=nofil

Worth every penny.

[steph96]

May 20, 2019 16:07:57 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

No. 8

www.buzzfeed.com/ignaciafulcher/sex-toys-you-can-get-on-sale-right-now-april-5-2018-1?origin=nofil

Worth every penny.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Lol
That you was the first toy I bought for myself. It is fantastic! I’m a little embarrassed to say that I had my very first orgasm at age 28 thanks to this toy.

[cleo29]

leviosa, First i am so sorry about your first husband. And i do think that can cause long running psychological issues, even if you are not aware... I think it can change how you feel about sex once it has been used as a weapon, really. Have you worked with a therapist regarding what happened? NOt just the physical part, but the mental.

Last, you mention your partners have been prudish, but how comfortable are you in that? Is it easy to talk with your partners openly? say what you like? etc.

When you first had sex for the first time, did you feel this way or was it a gradual change for you? (not really the ability to orgasm because a lot people experience that, but the boredom)